“This is a species known as a Valley Girl; we’ll call her Tiffany. The fact that Tiffany is a girl that lives in the Valley is not enough to make her a Valley Girl. Valley Girls, or a “Vals” — as they are more commonly referred to — are a highly complex breed made up of definable attitudes, speech patterns and dress. Let’s start with the packaging…”
Tonight, at Debi‘s suggestion, we talked about San Fernando Valley Girls, a Louis Lewis production from 1983.
Jamie Gillis narrates this look at the girls who populate and fornicate in the San Fernando Valley in porn’s cash-in off of Frank Zappa’s 1982 novelty-hit, Valley Girl. The film is structured like a documentary, with Jamie giving us a history of the region, it’s transformation from small town to bustling suburb due to movie money.
The narrator then turns his sights onto Val, played by Debi Diamond, here credited as Shelley Rey, standing naked, alone in what looks like a restaurant. The narrator describes her and she adds elements to her costume along the way — the greatest perhaps, being when she pulls opaque purple pantyhose up over her naturally furry nether regions.
The narrator asks Tiffany about a “cool dude… meaning a nice young man?”
“Geez, like you can be so lame. Like, OK, so this blue Excalibur pulls up next to me, and like this waaay gnarly dude is like feeling me up with his eyes, and like I can totally swear its Rick Springfield. Like DUDE!”
So the Narrator conjures up Arnold, a nerd played briefly by Jim Malibu as a nerd, who says “You must be one of those New Waver girls I read about in my Dad’s Reader’s Digest!” which causes Tiffany to recoil in disgust. “Ohmygod! Like! This is like totally grody! Totally! Gag me with a spoon! Slimeball! Like I’m not into Aqua Velva and, like, no dude is named Arnold!”
“So what is a ‘Dude’ Tiffany?”
“Well, like, pick up this month’s GQ and like send me something that looks like it stepped off the page!”
A bell rings, and there’s Mike Horner in a sports jacket, black collared shirt buttoned to the neck, white belt and slacks.
“Like, my name’s Brian. I have two tickets to tonight’s AC/DC concert… it’s like gonna crank… TO THE MAX! You wanna go with me?”
She seems impressed by this. He runs down some more of their night’s festivities and ends with “… and if you’d like, you could give me some durrs… like, right now!”
And she starts to go down on him, and upon looking in his fly she exclaims, “Awesome! Like totally awesome!”
The Narrator starts to get flustered — “What are you doing? Whar does the expression “Giving Durrs” mean?”
“I’m sure you can figure it out!” and we’re off to the races, and she proceeds to suck Mike off to a nice facial finish.
We next go to a bar for what is, we come to figure out in a Tarantino-esque flashback later on, Sharon Mitchell’s birthday party, headlined by a live performance by one of LA’s endless leather-pants-clad female-who-looks-like-Rosanna-Arquette fronted bands… and come to find the bar is owned by Max (Jamie Gillis) and Rosie (Juliet “Aunt Peg” Anderson). Rosie wears a black wig and is trying to live vicariously through the girls by asking Max “So, what do you think of all this ValTalk?” and he says “Well, it’s good for business” and she says “I think it’s neat; I mean; totally rad, uh, to the max.”
The singer then announces “the moment you guys have all been waiting for — (we have?)– the big Valley Girl contest!” and pulls Janet (Gina Martell) up on stage to monologue how hard her life is since Daddy won’t pay for her nose job if her grades don’t improve… and we flashback to Stephanie (Janey Robbins) picking up her princess phone to speak with her best friend Tammy (Sharon Mitchell):
“Like, my electronic answering device is like totally in Repair City, so like, this is Stephanie, coming to you, like, all the way, live!”
“Oh my god! This is, like, too rad to be true! Steph, this is Tammy. Can you talk?”
“Fer shurr, like my orthodontinst totally removed my retainer last week.”
(Get it? I’m not so sure Janey did, but I digress…)
We come to find out that Uncle Max is throwing Tammy a birthday party, but if he was in charge of it, it’d be “all jonesy” so Tammy wants Stephanie to help her plan it, the centerpiece of which will be a contest to see who does the best ValSpeak…
After she hangs up, we pull back to see she’s been sitting on Eric Edwards’ face the whole time… so he eats her a bit more, then she sucks him off, and the whole time, they’re talking to each other in these nice little affirmations – how good the other one feels and the like … it’s almost kinda sweet. They tit fuck for a bit, then she mounts him and they fuck fuck for a bit more, he flips her over, cums and keeps on strokin…
Then we cut to traffic on the 101 and a black VW Rabbit convertible drives along into the Valley and then we cut to more Valley Monologues (“Andrea, you’re not wearing that miniskirt and metallic shoes to your grandmother’s funeral!”) and we flashback to Tammy visiting Bobby (an effeminate Jon Martin) at his aerobics studio (Hello, Jane Fonda!) where a bunch of girls are gyrating, er, working out, and Tammy invites him to the party and let’s him know there’s a contest and the door prize is “A new Betamax for the Best Val!”
Bobby berates his students a little more with some tough love (“Work off those bagels and cream cheese, girls!”) and we’re back in Tammy’s room smoking pot with Tammy telling Janet a story about her sister Pam (Laurie Smith) and drug connection Raoul (Herschel Savage). Pam won’t give Raoul “durrs” so she just offers him a handjob and it “keeps her in Bombay for another week.” But, she does give him durrs after all, in fact, she gives him the fucky fucky. (A quick side note: Laurie Smith is FUCKING HOT. Almost like a young Honey Wilder… Moving on….)
Tammy and Janet then get turned on by the pot and the story and go to town on each other while the other scene goes on. There’s a nice bit of the two girls kissing, and it’s fun to remember that Sharon Mitchell used to be famous for something other than being a health care professional. Some of the footage between the girls is a little dark, but it is paced rather well.
The Laurie/Herschel scene ends with Laurie getting bonus points for jerking Herschel to pop on her bush, as opposed to him pulling out and taking care of himself. The Gina/Sharon scenes ends with some 69 and scissoring.
Another Val Monologue which I couldn’t really understand, and we flashback to Tiffany driving to Lance’s (Paul Thomas) hair salon looking for a full beauty work up. Debi has a voiceover on the drive and we find that she, too, is Max’s niece — not sure if that makes her Sharon’s sister or not…
She gets to the salon to find out, much to her dismay, that the girl who does the bikini waxes won’t be in for a few days, but Debi offers to show Paul how to do it. Quick note: Paul Thomas plays Lance with an insane Italian accent.
They discuss the waxing, and Paul preps the area with his tongue, eating Debi out in the salon chair. She returns the favor by blowing him. (“You do that well. Look at my cock; big and hard, eh? Tell me about it…” he says. “I love it. Totally.”) So they fuck, and Joey Silvera walks in with an equally insane Italian accent — and then it becomes clear, they’re doing Ayckroyd and Martin. As PT is fucking Debi, Joey hugs him prompting Debi to ask “Are you guy Frou-frou?” to which they respond in unison “No, we’re from Milan!” (I think there’s a very real chance that “No, I’m from Milan!” may be sneaking into my conversation in the not-too-distant future…) And of course, when a guy walks in on another guy fucking, no one is embarrassed, rather, they get generous and share… so PT sits down and Joey picks up right where PT left off, then PT sits back and critiques Joey’s fucking. Life imitates art! Then PT comes over and has Debi blow him while Joey keeps plugging away. It ends with Debi in the chair, a guy on each side, cock in each hand saying “Like, I want you both to come all over me!” It’s pretty hot. PT says “We’re brothers, eh! Do everything together!” and Joey nods and they cum in unison and Debi cleans them off for good measure as Joey sings “I like-a it like that!”
Back to the bar…
Janey scoffs as Aunt Peg calls Jamie “Maxie” and says “Yuck! Sounds like a feminine napkin!” to which Aunt Peg retorts “Well, there is a similarity, no pins, no annoying tapes and Maxie here stays just as snug as a bug in a rug.” “Like, wow, I could throw away my appetite suppressants!” Janey says. And then a small catfight breaks out between Janey and Aunt Peg, which of course leads to sex. Aunt Peg is costumed perfectly, in garters and granny panties, and she and Janey share Max’s cock… he fucks Aunt Peg while Janey sits on her belly and Jamie violently plays with Janey’s tits until he turns her over and fucks her while she eats out Aunt Peg. He breaks the “guys don’t touch their own dicks” trend and jerks himself off onto Janey’s ass.
Finally, after some more Valley Monologues (which — SPOILER ALERT — Jon Martin wins in drag!), they all sing Happy Birthday to Tammy (some call Mildred and Patty Hill!) and then Billy Dee comes out as a stripper, and he ends up fucking her — while she keeps her leg warmers on — in the back room of the bar. She pulls his cock out and he cums on her bush.
“And so, when all is said and done, Valley Girls are not all that different than other girls, I mean, like, all they really want is Valley Boys. For sure. For sure.”
So, this is a little time capsule of 1983, and it may best be watched in a room full of guys with a case of beer. This is a movie to laugh at on some level because it’s just so dated… tho you may find yourself laughing with it as well… and the sex is pretty hot, so you might want to watch when you’re by yourself too. :-) (Disclaimer: The sex is hot in a 1983 way, which is to say there are no 45 minute feats of endurance here; these are short scenes, the girls are hairy downstairs, but they really enjoy themselves as opposed to so much of post-1990 porn where there is at best tolerance for the sex partner and sex acts and at the worst laying there until they can cash the check.)
I will leave you with this unrelated gem — but relating to the whole Valley Girl “craze” — an uber-awkward interview with Frank and Moon-Unit Zappa stonewalling Joan Lunden on Good Morning America in September, 1982. (Joan seems to want Moon to tell her what awful people the kids she goes to school with are, and Moon, understandably, is not interested in committing social suicide.)