[UPDATE: I had mentioned a Facebook group on the show, Adult Movies 1968-1988 that has a lot of presence from the talent from back then. Join us.]
Tonight on Playboy Radio’s Night Calls (SiriusXM 102) we’ll be talking about Bob Chinn’s 1977 classic Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls. ¬†(Due to a pre-existing obligation on my end, we’ll be starting a little earlier than usual — 7pm Eastern, 4 pm Pacific.)
At the Club 90 panel discussion the other night, the panel was asked what their most favorite moment was during their time in the industry.¬†Candida Royalle¬†wasted no time and said her happiest memory was learning to ride a skateboard with¬†Desiree Cousteau¬†and¬†Laurien Dominique¬†for this movie. ¬†So, I figured that was as good a reason as any to re-visit it. ¬†And, boy, I wasn’t disappointed. ¬†What a fun movie this is! ¬†It just exudes charm and good times out of every frame.
VCX’s blurb does it justice: ¬†“This is a comic look at the fast food business and rates one of the best films ever. John Holmes operates a pizza delivery service that adds very special toppings provided by the delivery girls – Desiree, Candida, Chris and Laurien. But Paul Thomas and the fried chicken people enlist the aid of the infamous San Francisco Night Chicken to drive the pizza operation out of business. The sex scenes are exceptionally ludicrous in the very entertaining adult movie.”
The script is jokey but not in an eye-rolling way. ¬†The movie opens with Desiree (playing a character named Ann Chovy) interviewing for a job at the Country Girl Pizza Parlor, and¬†John Holmes¬†is having a hard time reading her application. ¬†The writing is very small in the box marked “sex” because she wrote “only once, in Alabama” in an effort to be completely honest and forthcoming, because this pizza place doesn’t just serve pizza, they serve a little sex with their pies, and Desiree is looking to be hired as a delivery girl.
This interview leads into our first sex scene, where John buries himself in her bush, both orally and then (um) dick-ily. ¬†After a little fucking, he has her drop to her knees and blow him (“We don’t have all day!” he says) as he blows a great shot into her mouth and down her chin.
SPOILER ALERT: She gets the job.
Next up, we see the bumbling Inspector Blackie spying on the girls as they leave for their delivieries; he’s accompanied by something that sounds eerily like The Pink Panther theme. ¬†He reminds me of my friend Alan.
Next up, we get three scenes intercut of the girls making their deliveries.
First up,¬†Candida Royalle¬†(who could really pass for iCarly’s older slutty sister here) hooking up with¬†Richard Pacheco. ¬†Next,¬†Laurien Dominique¬†hooks up with¬†Paul Thomas¬†until he gets his friend¬†Spender Travis¬†to join in. ¬†And finally,¬†Desiree Cousteau¬†talk and talks and talks to¬†Carl Regal¬†who is having a real hard time eating her out with all the talking she’s doing about how¬†cunnilingus¬†is illegal in Alabama.
We don’t spend too much time on any of the couplings, and they’re all pretty standard. ¬†Candida and Richard go at missionary; Lauren has PT under her as she blows Spender, (who cums on her chin; ans PT on her ass).
We then cut to¬†Vicky Lindsay¬†as an old horny housewife, whom we meet as she masturbates with a carrot while she’s waiting for¬†Christine DeShaffer¬†to show up. ¬†And Chistine walks in, drops the pizza box on the ground, confirms the order and vigorously eats her out for all of 20 seconds and then leaves. ¬†I think the whole sequence was 90 seconds long.
Then we’re back and forth between Desiree getting eaten out and Pacheco humping away until Desiree finally gets to her knees and blows Mr. Regal. ¬†Cut to Pacheco banging away doggy style, but we don’t stay with it very long so we can cut back to Regal’s blowjob which ends with him jerking off onto her tits and she cleans him off. ¬†(The reaction shots “cross the axis” in their pairing, which is visually a bit jarring.). ¬†Finally, Candida tells her customer “Hey, cowboy! ¬†Time for the round up!” and after a spirited round of pumping and chorus of She’s Coming Round The Mountain, he pulls out and cums on her ass as she rolls her eyes.
The whole sequence, scenes 2-6 on the IAFD listing was 13 minutes long. ¬†The one thing you could count on about classic porn, there was no time to be bored. ¬†On the other hand, there was no time to really build up a rhythm and linger on a pairing you might really like.
More slapstick from Inspector Blackie, who is unable to close the antenna on his walkie-talkie, and he chases Candida and Christine down on his own skateboard with a hand-held siren/megaphone. ¬†They talk their way out of it (“You need to catch us on the way out, not on the way back in. ¬†We already delvered our ‘pizzas!’)
Lauren gets paid by PT and Spender who sit and chat with Pacheco about their failing Fried Chicken franchise; so they hatch a plan to get the girls off the street (“Cheap, hot pussy… how are you going to compete with thaaaaat?”) and protect their investment. So, they hatch a plan to call in the “Night Chicken” some sort of rapist… because rape is funny….
So, as Christine is skateboarding at night, we hear some ominous music and chicken clucks. ¬†As she goes to investigate, she is pulled inside an alcove and feathers¬†literally start to fly…
The next day, John and his partner (played by director Bob Chinn under the alias Danny Hussong) are making pizzas and taking orders when there’s a scream in the back and Christine cops to being raped by the Night Chicken. ¬†John and Danny explain that they’ve been after the Night Chicken for 10 years and they want their revenge.
Cut to Christine, Candida and John sitting naked and talking about the Chicken, and then Christine starts sucking John’s cock, but Candida is pissed by this, so she rips Christine off of John’s cock, and spins her around to force her to give HER head while John fucks her… the girls move to a 69 so John can take Candida from the rear, and then John pulls out and cums on Christine’s mouth and chin.
PT gets off the phone with the Chicken who assures him that the girls will be off the street before the next day… but the boys are thinking they might want to fuck them one more time before they’re out of business…
Next up, Desiree runs into her neighbor — who just happens to be Inspector Blackie! ¬†(and he has an awful feminine headboard on his bed…) After some discussion about how he’s never had pizza, ¬†they strip, she blows him then rides him. ¬†She is a cute little thing with really great tits (that may or not be fake…) ¬†They go at it doggie style, then missionary and finally he cums on her bush.
So PT ordered a pizza and Christine delivers it. ¬†When no one answers the door, she lets herself in and we cut to PT verifying his order (“You must be the special stuffed mushroom, deep dish surprise!”) while she’s sucking his cock. ¬†From there, they go to doggie and she gives up the ass, which he cums on 5 minutes later.
Skating around at night, Laurien hears the clucking down the alley, and again there’s feathers flying.
Laurien goes back to the pizza place and bitches that John didn’t offer any protection at all, and he starts to apologize when Christine walks in, spitting feathers out of her mouth. ¬†John and Bob go looking for the Chicken, but come up empty.
Another pizza order comes in from Vickie, so Christine goes out and once again attacks her, this time with a giant dildo that has a crank on it. ¬†This scene is just as short as their other pairing.
So, now, it’s all over except for the plot. ¬†Inspector Blackie stumbles around in the dark and Desiree, walking down the street, hears the clucking but luckily her neighbor, Inspector Blackie is there to save her; so they run off to Niagra Falls as John and Bob run in to the alley to confront the Chicken.
The end is silly, as they come out of the alley with a tape recorder, and you can pretty much see the wink, Bob says “You don’t think it was Inspector Blackie, do you?” and we cut to his car driving away, with the license plate BAHK.
This is a movie that doesn’t ask anything of you, other than to sit back, relax, and let it play over you like a school play. ¬†There’s an genial easiness to the whole endeavor that you can’t take it seriously. ¬†There’s some fine sex in it. ¬†It’s not modern day porno sex, it’s classic porno sex. ¬†Just like ¬†rock music today isn’t much like rock music from 1977, same goes for porno.