Author: vanzetti

Site Tweak: Number of Partners

We were reading Ed Powers‘ Facebook page (don’t judge us!) and someone was trying to determine how many girls Ed had been with, and they had to count the number of performers on his scene pairing list.

That seemed like a silly task to make someone do, so we’ve now added a counter at the end of each section, telling you how many performers are in that section… so here we go.

Ed’s been 1416 gals, as far as we know.  The data is glommed from our scene breakdown data which is incomplete, but what’s there is generally pretty reliable… so we’ll almost always understate the numbers; but never by a predictable amount.

Today on Spice Radio: Stud Hunters (1984)

POST-SHOW UPDATE: A caller asked about a movie of Christy’s where she “and another girl are wearing white t-shirt and jeans…” and I stop him and say “Wild Things!” and I was right.  The other girl was Ali Moore. (Who also might have been underage for a bit of her career…)  I am lucky to do a show with and about people I’ve grown up watching.  (If the caller asked about a movie Gina Carrera was in a white T-Shirt, I do not think I could answer.

There was an earlier version of Wild Things with Traci Lords, but it was recut in the wake of her scandal, and her scene was replaced with one feature Brazilian bombshell Elle Rio.

So, Suze Randall is the guest on today’s Legend’s show over at Spice YouPorn, and at 2:30 Eastern/11:30 Pacific we’ll be talking about her 1984 movie Stud Hunters.  Her website claims that Victor Nye directed it, but we think she did; so hopefully she’ll be able to confirm or deny when she talks with Christy and Ginger.

The movie opens with Misty Regan sitting pantless on a desk looking at slides and playing with herself as the voiceover intones:

“It seems like just another day to ace centerfold photographer Randi Foxx as she slaves in her studio loft, as her assistant Wimpy (Marc Wallice) dresses the set below.  Little does she realize that the call she won’t answer is the call of destiny.”

She picks up the phone and it’s publisher Howard Huge (Michael Morrison) telling her he needs less g/g photoshoots and more b/g.  They flirt on the phone a little, and the camera reveals Desiree Lane sucking his cock.  Morrison is a middle aged paunchy fellow and his sex scene with Desiree is intercut with Randi lining up male models.  Desiree looks great in her RC and Suze really knows how to capture the beauty of the female form.  There’s a limited amount of gyno close-ups, usually just as brief cutaways between wide shots.  Her dirty talk is pretty generic, but she really grinds on his cock.  She lifts herself off for a moment, and it’s pretty cool moment of hovering before she re-impales herself.  They finally move to missionary and then scissoring when he pulls out and cums on her bush and belly.  After he finishes spilling his seed, she asks “Mr. Huge?  Now do I become a centerfold?” and he answers with a leer “Only if I get to fuck you in the ass again!” and she agrees “OK, I guess” and he thrusts into her and he lets out a big squeal.  We’re supposed to think he’s buggering her, I guess…

Next up, Wimpy is watching as Randi is taking pictures of Pipi Anderson and Debi Diamond.  Debi is laying in a grocery cart full of dildoes (excellent visual; Suze knows how to set a scene) but Pippi isn’t really giving her what she wants, so throws Wimpy and Pippi out and considers strapping the dildo on and starts eating Debi while Pippi escapes to the loft in the studio to catch Wimpy fucking a blow up doll’s mouth.  So she drops to her knees and totally deep throats Marc’s cock in the first swallow.

Wimpy looks down on the two girls who have moved to a round bed as Pippi continues to blow him.  Marc moves to the couch and Pippi sits on his cock and we get a lot of nice RC.  Debi is wearing a collar and leash and gets on top of Randi in a 69.  We have a bit more gyno here than we have had before as we linger on Randi’s noshing on Debi’s labia.

Wimpy and Pippi move to a standing doggie as Debi begins to use a dildo on Randi.  After a bit, Wimpy eats Pippi and Debi crawls up and plants herself on Randi’s face.  There are a lot of wide shots here which really show off the girls’ bodies and towards the end, the rhythm of the two scenes are crosscut very quickly as we build up to everyone’s orgasm.  (Wimpy jerks off on Pippi’s belly.)

The voiceover sets the next scene for us: “Never one to turn down a challenge, nubile nympho Fifi Floss works the jock pit of Muscle Beach searching for the Perfect Ten.” and we see Pippi (who is playing Fifi, then) and she approaches Steve Douglas  and in her broken English asks if he wants to take part in a photoshoot.  He tells her she should stop by “The Gym” so she does, and when she gets there, she’s greeted by 5 hard cocks.  The reveal of the cocks is pretty funny as Suze cuts around to each guy’s privates in some sort of underwear, and she has them just kind of flop their cocks out… and the next thing you know, Pipi on the floor and find herself in the middle of a blowbang with Blake Palmer, David Cannon, Dick Turpin, Paul Baressi and Steve Douglas.  The boys give her instructions to not be greedy and to share.

As she continues to blow some of the guys, they lay her down on a workout mat to make more of her orficies available to them.  She seems overwhelmed in a pretty hot way; never out of control just wanting more.  She plays insatiable very well. The guys finish themselves all over her (face and ass mostly) as she asks for more.  The post-coital scene is very artfully arranged with the boys all collapsed around her in a circle as she gets up.  It’s clear that attention was paid to the composition of these shots.

Next up, Lisa Lake and Amy Allison are ogling surfers, and Lisa goes over to Greg Derek and propositions him and they all drive away in their convertible.

The voiceover comes on again as we cut to Wimpy looking at dirty magazines and stroking himself:  “With Randi out there doing some stud hunting on her own, Wimpy catches up on his homework at the studio…” and the doorbell rings.  It’s the girls and their surfer friend and they want to introduce him to Randi, but since she’s not around, she hopes Wimpy will take some polaroids.

The girls share Greg’s cock as Wimpy snaps away. Eventually, he can’t hold himself back and he gets naked and gets in on the fun.  This is my first exposure to either Amy or Lisa before and they’ve got pretty great bodies..  The sex, tho, is shot the most conventionally. Lots of cutaways to sweaty guys from the torso up; gyno closeups; not as many full body shots as we got before.  The girls stay paired off – Lisa with Greg and Amy with Marc/Wimpy.  They end up in a heap on the bed.

Next, we fade in on the oiled wonderment that is Joanna Storm’s chest sunning itself in bikini bottoms on a lounge chair.  The voiceover tells us “High in the hollywood hills, Trashy Blonde, oversexed and underdressed, dreams of the endless orgasm, unaware of what fate has in store for her!” and the phone rings.  It’s Randi asking for a favor – find her some studs.  Joanna doesn’t think that’ll be a problem, she walks around what I think is Venice Beach and amongst all the people sees young(!) adonis, Randy West as the Stud Hunters theme plays (“Some intimate shoving! – “Stud Hunters!” – Some hardcore lovin’ “Stud Hunters!”)

Randy and Joanna retire to Joanna’s place, and Joanna pulls off Randy’s velcro breakway stripper pants (fucking awesome) revealing his hard cock (“Ah! An erection inspection!” he says) and she lays him on a couch and then strips in front of him as he keeps himself hard.  They have playfully stupid dialog as she drops down to blow him more.  They fuck in a few positions, and she looks awesome in every one of them, and then he pulls out and she gives herself a pearl necklace by jerking him off between her tits.

“Meanwhile, Randi surprises Wimpy with the All-American Stud.”

Wimpy shows off the polaroids from his romp with Amy and Lisa, but Randi has Craig Roberts with her, so she tells Wimpy she doesn’t give a shit about his polaroids and kicks him out.  He sneaks off to the loft to watch his boss fuck this guy.

Craig yells at her “Suck it bitch!” as if he’s sticking up for the shitty way she treats Wimpy.  Misty/Randi takes him down to the root and he talks through the whole thing, asking her to “suck it like a lollipop!” and wondering aloud “what that pussy tastes like!” and then he’s fucking her in mish.  Lots of full shots of her great tits straining against her shirt as she’s been fucked silly by this guy.  Her hips buck with his thrusts and he kneads on her tits until they’re red.  Wimpy lurks about allowing them to change positions without us noticing (they’re in doggie!  they’re in reverse cowgirl!”)  She grinds herself into his dick and they share a natural rhythm.  They move back to mish and after hammering away, he pulls out and shoots from her box to her tits, covering her pretty well and she rubs it into herself and the last bit is the headboard falling off the bed they’re on ad they share a laugh as we fade to black, and Wimpy is left stroking his cock.

Pretty good stuff.  Threadbare plot but enough to get us a couple really good sex scenes – standouts are Pipi Anderson’s blowbang and Misty Regan’s shag at the end. Since the girls like it when I rate things, I’d give this a 8.5 out of 10; a solid B+ of a movie with a couple A- sex scenes (Pipi + Guys, Misty, Joanna) and mostly B+ sex scenes (The rest with the Desiree Lane scene maybe getting a B, if only for Michael Morrison’s creepy factor…)

I watched this via VOD on Suze’s site, I’m not aware of it being available for download anywhere else.  DVDs are still available from the usual retailers.

 

Today on Spice Radio: Lust at First Bite (1979)

Today on Spice Radio’s You Porn (SiriusXM 103 at 11:30 Pacific / 2:30 Eastern) we’ll be talking about Lust at First Bite, a movie featuring today’s guests, Seka and Bill Margold.  Margold appears in the movie, and he co-wrote it as well.

The title is an obvious wink of the George Hamilton Dracula spoof, Love at First Bite, and it’s also a Dracula story, with Jamie Gillis taking on the iconic role.

The movie wastes no time, and as soon as the credits stop, we see Jamie eating out Mina (the exquisite Annette Haven). They’re in a field outside of a castle, and her alabaster skin contrasts nicely with the otherwise dark elements of the scenes (Drac’s cape; the stone slab she’s on…)  She moves to stroking his cock and then she’s on her knees blowing him and he fucks her face a bit.  The scene ends with a voiceover: “When do dreams stop and reality begin?”

The voiceover has us listening to a man and a woman who are driving up to a castle in an old Model A taxi.  He’s complainng about having a hard on and terrible dreams.  We come to the castle is a sanitarium, and it’s run by Dr. Seward (John Leslie) and his sister Sybil (Kay Parker.)  (Happy birthday, Kay who turned 68 years young yesterday!)   The man is none other than Renfield (Richard Bulick, credited as McGoogle Schlepper) and his sister Irene (Pat Manning) is bringing him to the hospital to help stop his nightmares.
The movie is also a light touch featuring PA announcements reminiscent of those on M*A*S*H* – the first of which is “Attention! The first annual Seward Sanitarium rubber raft race is cancelled due to an outbreak of crabs in Ward A.”

Seward speaks to his apple-toting orderly, Henry (Bill Margold),  and dispatches him to see Mrs. Renfeld.  He gripes about his job (“Seward giving me orders, like he owns this place!”) and he comes in to Irene’s room and she’s having a bit of a breakdown and complaining about having nightmares and needing help, and we cut to an exterior shot of the castle as we hear Margold say “You need help?  You want help?!” and he rapes her doggie style.  “You like that, help!” she moans “No, no” and cries throughout most of their encounter. He giggles “How do you like them apples, bitch?” and he crushes an apple in his hand, as we crosscut to him jerking himself off onto her ass. This isn’t something you’d see in modern porn.  Modern porn might start with protestations, but generally the lead to the girl becoming a willing participant. (probably a worse series of events to portray than her crying through the whole thing…)  This is not a long scene — in fact none of them in the movie are, really — one position and out.

Seward walks through the asylum with Dr. Van Helsing (mainstream B- actor Reggie Nalder, here credited as Detlef van Berg) and when he’s introduced to a patient (George Lee) who dresses like a cowboy, sings songs on the guitar and “fornicates with anything — holes in walls, etc.” and happily, we catch him getting blown by, then doggie fucking Nancy Hoffman.  He’s in chaps and she’s bent over a saddle as strains of the William Tell Overture (the Lone Ranger theme) swells on the soundtrack, and he pulls out and cums on her ass. Other patients are introduced, one who dresses like Hitler, and all of them are suffering from lesions of some sort.

(Nalder was reported to be embarrassed by his work in LAFB, but it’s nothing to be particularly ashamed of.  He hit his marks and didn’t bump into the furniture, to paraphrase Spencer Tracy; but I assume his mere presence in an adult movie was enough to cause him some discomfort.)
Next up, Dr. Bradley (Mike Ranger) and a Lucy Webster (Serena) are walking the grounds and he proclaims his love for her. They sit, and she kneels before him.  We then cut to Jonathan Harker (Paul Thomas) sitting at the piano with Mina and the taxi driver (David Lee Bynum) and the taxi driver (or is he the butler?) asks Harker if he knows “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” which they begin to sing, and in an odder moment, we’re cross cutting between them and the Serena / Mike Ranger BJ.  Once Swing Low end,s, we bring in Ravel’s Bolero as Serne stops sucking and jerks Ranger off onto her hand.

In the lab at the sanitarium, Van Helsing explains that Renfield is suffering under the spell of Nosferatu and he escapes from his cell and find Dracula’s coffin and with a cry of “Master, I’m here!” he lifts the lid to the strains of Strauss’ Also Sprach Zarathustra.  Jamie lays it on thick when he utters the immortal words: “I am Dracula; I bid you welcome! Listen to them… children of the night… what music they make! Mr. Renfield…”

Then a voice from nowhere: “Where are all the fags you promised?!!”

The next morning, Renfield shows up on the sanitium steps, ranting like a lunatic.  (Over the PA: “Paging Dr. Stoker – unruly patient in the violent ward..”)

There’s more plot and hammy acting, but it’s a pretty straight ahead vampire story.  Renfield is dragged out as he threatens Ms. Mina’s safety.

We cut to a coffin as a hand lifts the lid to the strains of Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance.  Two of Dracula’s sexy maidens (Slavica and Renee Andre) emerge, and Slavica grabs a random patient (Mitch Morrill) and blows him and then rides him, but it’s not satisfying as she complains “I’ve been waiting 200 years for this?!?  Make it bigger!!”  We intercut some bunnies fucking too  and she pulls his dick out as he cums on her as and his pants.

Dracula shows up and Renfield makes a few puns about wanting to see Dracula come and then Dracula introduces himself as Dr. Seward’s new neighbor. Meanwhile, Irene is worried that Dr. Stoker (John Holmes) is too busy fucking the maid (Irene Best) on the pool table in the game room.  JH eats her out a little then starts to fuck her.  There’s some plot done away with in voiceover, and then Seward introduces Dracula to all of the other major characters.  Then we go back to the pool table where JH is fucking the maid doggie style and there’s some distinct “moist fucking” sounds on the soundtrack.  They seem to have mic’d this scene very well, or the foley guy had a field day with a melon…

Mozart fills the soundtrack and Serena challenges Dracula with a toast “To cry for the next to die” and he opines that there are worse things awaiting man than death.

Holmes is still banging the maid, making this one of the longer sequences in the movie, and it’s a sight to behold – his giant member plowing into her.  She’s got small tits with great nipples, and he takes great pleasure in dicking her slowly and we cut away to Mina in bed having girl talk with Lucy as Drac watches in through the window.  Lucy goes to the bathroom to have some water and pee and Drac enters the bathroom and puts Lucy under his spell.  He takes her nightgown off her left breast, and we cut away to Mina asleep.  (Also skipped via this cutaway, a golden shower where Drac pees on Lucy; when we cut back she’s clearly soaked with urine)  Drac jerks himself off onto her breast and then leaves her with a bloody bite on her tit.

Back to Holmes fucking the maid.  Man, Dr. Stoker just keeps on going!  He finally pulls out of her, she takes as much as she can in her mouth and her jerks off on her face leaving a nice facial.

The chauffeur goes into the stable and sees the coffins.  He lifts the lid on one and see Lucy in it. He yells for help and Swing Low is heard again as Dr. Bradley arrives at the casket ready to stab the beast within but instead starts to kiss Lucy’s dead body.  Kissing leads to cunnilingus with leads to fucking… Another modern no-no — necrophelia.  We briefly flashback to their garden tryst and he cums on her belly.

Nurse Lawson (Seka) finds Harker feeling sorry for himself at the cab, so she takes him inside and blows him. The chauffeur is fixing the car, so he’s stunned to find the car is a rockin and he looks in wide-eyed to see the action.  They manage to work through a few positions, missionary, reverse cowgirl and doggie.  There’s no pop shot; but there is more squishy sounds.

Meanwhile, Baby Jane (Nancy Hoffman) dressed and acting like an 8 year old girl runs away and into the arms of Slavica who says “Baby Jane, I want your clit!” and proceeds to eat her out for a bit, and end with some kissing.  More modern no-no — the intimation of underage sexing (even tho all participants are of legal age).

Dr. Seward watches their tryst out the window and discusses his worries about losing the sanitarium due to this vampire outbreak, so she calms him down by leading him down the road into no-no land again with some incest!  Kay strips down  and gently asks “Remember how you liked this?”  She purrs through this whole scene, and it’s probably the best scene in the movie. Its get weird when Seward says “This could have been your cock, but mother gave it to me.” and she whispers “You want to put it in me, Arthur?  You’d like to do that, wouldn’t you?” and then she’s blowing him.  God, Kay Parker is awesome.  She sucks for a while, then they go at it doggie and he jerks off all over his sister’s breasts as Leslie treats us to some of his famous dirty talk.

Dracula shows back up to give blood to help poor Mina for a visit, and Seward introduces him to Van Helsing.  This takes Drac back a little, “Van Helsing!  A name we know even in Transylvania.”   Sybil takes Drac to the blood taking room, and he confesses to being squeamish about giving blood, so he gazes into her eyes and she collapses on the table, allowing him to lift up her dress and dive in for a businessman’s lunch.  “When the Red Red Robin Comes Bobbin Along” plays on the soundtrack as he jerks off over her face, cumming on her tits.  (There was another pissing scene here, as she’s soaked, but we don’t see it; merely the aftermath.)

Seward yells at Nurse Lawson and Henry to go see Dr. Stoker who has also been bitten, on the cock.  He sweet talks her into letting him out and he grabs her and bites her neck and then forcibly takes rips her panties off and starts eating her out  as Renfield giggles manically from his cel. (We also hear patient Hitler and the cowboy singing during this scene.)  Blood covers Seka’s belly and JH starts fucking her as she screams, no so much in delight. He’s able to fuck her balls deep, and he gets a hand around her throat as he looks maniacally around. He rolls her over and takes her doggie style, and she doesn’t look very happy about it and the scene ends with some serious screaming as Beethoven’s Ninth plays under the scene.  It’s hard to look at this scene as arousing, but Seka’s tits look pretty great swaying around.  JH leaps off her and shoves his cock into her mouth, and he finally cums, painting a line of cum down her forehead, over her nose and down around her mouth.  Being a gentleman, he wipes away the bit that gathered in her eye.  She cleans him off for a while after, her breasts covered in blood.

The vampire story wraps itself up inside while Harker and Mina get it on in the garden.  As Harker is fingering Mina, a bat flies around and entrances her.  Finally Dracula appears on the scene and Harker realizes he’s fucked.  Dracula pulls Harker into his cape and we don’t see what happens, but it’s safe to assume he pisses on him, turning him into a creature of the night as well.  After Dracula vanquishes Harker, he makes sweet, sweet love to Mina in the conclusion to the scene we saw at the top of the movie.

There’s voiceover at the end that tells us that “Dracula has his new queen; she’s found eternal sexual passion with her master.. As for the rest of us mere  mortals, we must be content with our one night stands, c’est la vie.”

Well, then!

Now, that’s a movie!  It had a strong plot, faithful to its inspiration (Dracula, not George Hamilton) and it had little funny bits interspersed (Pat Manning’s voiceovers, the PA announcements) and it had some “chills” in the sense that the old Universal horror movies had chills.

IMDB lists some trivia about the many many different versions this movie has been released in:

  • Softcore version eliminates shots of sexual penetration while the hardcore version does not include close-ups of the count biting female breasts and blood spurting from vampire mouths.
  • The 1980 UK cinema release ran 73 mins and was heavily cut to remove sexual footage. The 1986 Electric Video ran 72 mins and featured a pre-cut print (minus over 7 mins) which was then cut by a further 2 mins 26 secs by the BBFC. Among the cuts was a heavy edit to a sex scene which was performed during a Bela Lugosi radio broadcast of “The Doctor Prescribed Death”.
  • The film was re-cut and re-released in 1979 under the title Dracula Sucks(this is also the title the film was released under in Britain.
  • Original version was entitled “Dracula’s Bride” and ran 108 minutes long.
  • Released on video by VCS as Lust At First Bite, cut to 81 minutes.
  • Re-released in 1980 as Lust At First Bite, cut to 91 minutes.
  • Re-released in 1979 as Dracula Sucks,running 88 minutes,and re-edited.
  • Released in 1978 as Dracula’s Bride, running 110 minutes.

On the air, I gave the film an 8 or 9 out of 10 — but not necessarily for the sex.  This is a fun, silly Dracula movie in the vein of the old Universal movies by way of Hammer with some sex thrown in.  I don’t know if there’s any one scene that will make you want to whip it out outside of the context of this movie (my vote was the John Leslie / Kay Parker pairing) but I think this is a movie you can sit down with your favorite someone and watch and have it lead to some other stuff afterwards.

UPDATE 8/31/12: After listening to Seka’s segment on YouPorn, she set me straight – this was not her first movie (thanks, After Porn Ends!), but it was one of her first features, and she refers to the movie as “Dracula Sucks” tho it is nowadays known as LAFB.  As you can see from the IMDB alternate versions above, there’s been a shitload of titles, versions and cuts of this movie.  AVManiacs.com mentions it a little bit.

 

Today on Spice Radio: Elements of Desire (1994)

Today at 2:30 Eastern / 11:30 Eastern we’ll be on Spice Radio (SiriusXM 103) YouPorn with Christy Canyon and Ginger Lynn talking about Cameron Grant‘s 1994 opus, Elements Of Desire, featuring their guest, Dyanna Lauren.

The movie is most notable for having introduced a very young Jenna Jameson  — this was one of her first movies — tho she was credited as “Daisy” in it.  The re-release DVD boxcover features Jenna’s picture on it, as opposed to the original VHS and DVD boxcovers which featured star Julia Ann.  (The original DVD boxcover did have a shiny sticker on it promoting Jenna’s appearance; tho it sure makes it sound like her character name is Daisy, not her credited name.) The initial boxcovers also contained breathless hyperbole that could be considered half-correct: “A Director Fated to Become A Legend; A Movie Destined to Become a Classic.”  For the re-release, they eliminated it entirely as history didn’t real bear it out… Grant only made a handful of movies

This is an outstanding example of its genre of “glossy porn”.  It’s not for everyone, but if you like dreamy synth music, slow visuals, some “MTV editing” and girls looking hot (but not doing anything exceptionally raunchy) this might be for you.  I will say, if you’re a fan of facials, this should be in your viewing rotation as it has one of the best ever.

I first reviewed this movie back in 1995 and gave it a 3.35 on the Imperial Scale (“3.35 to 3.50 are good for purchasing if you can spare the bucks”) but my memory remembers it better.  So, let’s take a trip down memory lane….

But first, some quick history – back before DirectTV and DiSH made satellite dishes small enough to appeal to consumers, you could only get receptionin some areas via a BUD – big, ugly dish — and these allowed you to tune in channels directly off the satellites, so if you were in California and you wanted to watch East Coast programming, you just had to point your BUD to the appropriate transponder and watch away.  Of course, domestic TV wasn’t all that was available, and throughout the high school, there were rumors of all sorts of dirty programming available at Joe’s house — the one kid who had a BUD (the rest of us had cable…) I have no idea if it was true, but this memory came flooding back as I watched this.

The movie opens with some lush synth music and a rolling liquidy red background over which the names of our cast are revealed.  From there, we cut to Celeste (I’d know those boobs anywhere!) with a silk covering her face, sitting on a stone statue of a two-headed lion.  (Deep!)  Then a rapid succession of cuts of other scenes from the movie; giving us a little taste of what’s to come.

A female voiceover (uncredited, but not Julia Ann): “I’d been feeling restless and unfulfilled for quite some time, but it all started when we got that new satellite dish.  (Cut to shot of BUD) We were  able to pick up stations from all over the world (public domain scenes from silent movies – Griffith’s Intolerance, Chaney’s Phantom of the Opera…) it was boring, really… and I was flipping thru the channels when I came to something different.  (Cue Kenny G sax music) It was unlike anything I had ever seen before… it was beautiful, but a bit decadent at the same time…”

And we see Maeva in a red and blue lit pool of water — which we now recognize from the opening credits – and she’s rolling around languidly.  This is going for sensual rather than sexual.  We get some nice ass shots and she plays with herself, but it is nothing super-explicit.  Sure is pretty tho.

Next up are two fishnet-body-stocking clad, black hooded dames (Celeste and Misty Rain) and we’re cutting between their antics and Julia getting more riled up on the couch, pulling at her stockings in an effort to touch herself.  The voiceover woman moans on the soundtrack.

Celeste’s hood comes off and Misty’s does shortly after, and there’s a lot of quick cutting to them kissing and groping one another on a white seamless. Celeste rims Misty and lets saliva drip down her cracks.  Then Misty slips a finger, then a silver dildo  into Celeste.  There’s good moaning throughout and Celeste has a couple great “Oh Wow!” wide eyed looks throughout.

The girls, Celeste especially, smile a lot through the scene, and I find that to be very much a turn on.  It looks like they’re having a good time, not that they’re at work collecting a check, or worse, somehow mad at each other and forced into grudge fucking.

Celeste sits on Misty’s face, and her big fake boobs (which don’t look hard like so many fake sets) really stress the fishnet in the most delightful way.

The scene wraps up with the girls kissing each other while Julia is a bit self-conscious about how much she really got  into herself on the couch…

The next morning, Julia eats breakfast with (real-life beau at the time?; virtually all his scenes in his career were with JA) Aaron Colt, and the voiceover tells us how much she can’t get the scenes out of her head. She gets so distracted, she drops her tomato juice, and the maid (Victoria Andrews) comes in disapprovingly and Aaron leaves the table.

Julia calls a tarot card reader (Dyanna Lauren) over the house who promises to re-ignite Julia’s spark.  Dyanna puts a talisman around Julia’s neck and then starts wraps a silk blindfold around her eyes.  (Where else would you put a blindfold, I guess…) Dyanna then starts to get handsy while some sitar-based music plays and then tongues start mingling.  Julia gives herself over to Dyanna who is loosening Julia’s blouse and letting her tongue run all over her lace-encased breasts.  Dyanna slips a nipple out, and the camera really lingers on the breasts, which is pretty great; because they look awesome in their black lace bra.

Dyanna sets them free and puts her fingers in Julia’s mouth and works her way down and gets Julia’s skirt off her and digs in. Dyanna is still clothed until Julia takes the bllindfold off, stands Dyanna up and puts the blindfold on her, bends her over the chair, hikes up her dress revealing a nice thong, then Julia sits her down and buries her head for some serious muff diving, paying careful attention to Dyanna’s clithood. The scene fades out.  There was no live audio at all in this scene, which was kind of unfortunate.  I’m a fan of live audio.

Sapphic desires quenched, Julia goes back to the TV to find “that special channel” and find Woody Long coming out of a pool and pouring tanning oil over Celeste’s (his real-life SO at the time) breasts to more Kenny G music.  He pulls her tits out of her bikini top and massages the oil into them.  He works the oil down her leg and he fellates her patent leather pumps a little. She looks pretty great in her sunglasses, so it’s a little sad when she loses them, but in the trade, we get to see her eyes which are pretty alright.

Finally, Woody stands before her in his speedo, and she pulls his cock out and goes to town, taking him down, then he tit fucks her and she sits on it reverse cowgirl, but we don’t get the full body shots that we need; instead the camera wanders around and lingers on the gyno closeup.  It’s a short lived shag, as we’re back to Celeste sucking Woody off, and (to quote my 1995 self) “Woody blows a massive load at Celeste’s face, she takes it all, and the director lingers on the aftermath for THREE MINUTES! HEAVEN!” Granted, the three minutes is a pretty slow-motiony, but it works to great effect, with Celeste making sure there are a lot of saliva and cum tendrils to play with in the aftermath.  Even without live sound, this is a hall of fame scene.  (Julia thinks so too, as she’s worked a finger into herself by this time.)

We fade out and Aaron enters a room decked out in candles and pours himself some wine. Julia enters in a black robe and negliglee and does a little strip tease while we intercut Tracy West doing a naked fire dance.  As Tracy wrote me back in 1995, “…It is my Famouse Fire Dance That I do as a Feature on the road. I never really was a porn star always been a fire dancer!! That is why they had me voo doo that movie!”  (I like her voodoo pun.)

After a few minutes of strip tease, Julia approaches Aaron and wrap a belt around his neck and then starts sucking him off.  Lots of jump cuts here, so there’s not a clear flow to the action.  Julia then mounts him reverse cowgirl, and Grant is nice enough to give us a few beats or so of a full bodyshot of Julia lowering herself on his dick before we zoom into the gyno action, and then the camera bops around from close-up to close-up.

After the ride, Julia bends over a couch and Aaron pours hot wax on her ass and she doesn’t flinch.  He then fucks her doggie style as she peels the wax off her ass which he rewards with a spank.  Again, no live audio here, and I’m really missing her little squeals as the spank hits home. Aaron leans her head back on the arm of the couch and strokes himself off onto her tits.

Julia goes back to watching TV, and we finally get to the advertising promise of Jenna Jameson and she’s with Frnech beauty Draghixa.  Both girls are in matching bra and panty sets, and have gauzy drapes blowing in and out of the frame obscuring the view. Both girls are super attractive (Jenna hadn’t the chance to meet her surgeons yet) but the pacing and the music really make you fight back slumber. However, it really makes you wonder if the editor was paid by the cut, as this scene is a million cuts, all closeups, and you don’t really get a chance to get involved in anything.  Also, the sapphic work is pretty minimal.  I suspect this might have one of Jenna’s first times with a woman, so there’s nothing really hardcore about this, just slight licking and flicking of tongues.  Credit to Draghixa for actually managing to get a finger up in Jenna’s business and kudos to the editorial team for actually letting us see it for more than 5 seconds.  This is a Penthouse video all the way.

Next up, an “office worker’s fantasy” as Asia Carrera egts ripped out of her office my two dominatix-y women, Celeste and Paula Price. Live sound is once again sacrificed, but the girls waste no time in getting Asia out of her clothes.  They’re really accentuated Asia’s asian features, as opposed to her later amaerasian apperance.  There’s some boot licking from Asia and a large lucite rod is fellated, stroked and eventually lubed for insertion into Asia’s waiting girl bits.  Then Paula and Celeste affix giant strap ons as the scene now takes on an orange tinted glow.  Asia fellates both dildoes before setting on Paula’s as Celeste makes nice to Asia’s hair (and keeping it out of the shot as an added bonus… where was she to wrangle the curtain in the scene before?!?)

OK, I have to be honest.  I am getting pretty bored here.  (Clue: lack of screenshots.)  The lack of live audio, the abundance of dull-ish g/g with hypnotically boring music and visuals that make it hard to focus on any one act are starting to try my patience.

Next up, we get Aaron and Shayla LaVeaux fucking around on a bed, and Julia walks in while Shayla has Aaron’s dick in her mouth, which makes for one of my favorite reaction shots of Shayla’s surprise as Julia comes in.  (A screenshot, I have come to find out, does not do it justice.  It really only works in context.) Julia yells “You bastard!” (not that we hear it; instead we get the voiceover lady telling us how upset she was, in a tone that is like reading a sexy list of groceries) throws a vase into a mirror, and then she slaps Shayla!  The voiceover then ludicrously confesses “I’ve always had this secret attraction to Karen, but I’d never get the courage to do anything about it; but now I was so mad, I didn’t care anymore.  Perhaps I would have reacted differently before, but I had a new perspective on things…” and then they make out.

And then Julia drops to her knees and begins to make sweet sweet love to Shayla’s moneymaker.  This goes on a while, then Shayla returns the favor for a while, and then Julia beckons Aaron to come over, and they both blow him and his stupid ponytail. He fucks Julia then pulls out and cums on Shayla’s shoulder. HER SHOULDER?!?  THAT’S A THING?!?

Now, all three of them are watching TV, trading sexy looks and we see an industrial setting of some kind and P.J. Sparxx is in some kind of sex swing thing and Deidre Holland is having her way with her.

On another channel, Tiffany Mynx and Mark Davis (not Mickey Ray as the credits state) are in their own blue light special.

It starts with Mark eating her as she stands in bra and flowy robe. She blows him, then he fucks her a bit as she’s lying down, and then all too briefly, she does some reverse anal cowgirl and finished things off with a blowjob to a facial finish.  (It’s a pretty good facial, but the scene itself is pretty short and suffers from the same disjointed editing as the rest of it.)

Finally, the movie fades out on Aaron and Shayla playing with Julia’s tits as she remains entranced by the TV.

So, is my memory playing tricks?  Is it better than a 3.35?  (“3.35 to 3.50 are good for purchasing if you can spare the bucks”) Not really.  It’s the lowest end of the “buy if it you have cash to spare” spectrum.  The lack of live audio really detracted for me.  There are some that will find it charming, but I found it a little snooze-worthy at times.

Now, I’d probably go with 3.35 as the high end of  “2.50 to 3.35 are all good to great rentals” and maybe even downgrade it to a 2.75 or 3.

With the prevalence of pay-per-minute video on demand, I’d say, watch the Celeste scene and if you’re a fan of anyone else (spend a minute or two just to see how fucking cute Jenna used to be before she felt the need to become a robo-porno), but otherwise, you won’t die sad if you don’t see the other stuff.

POST SHOW NOTES

Julia Ann was on the show!! I’ve been a big fan of hers since the ice dildo days, so it was cool to talk to her.  We ended up taking a decidedly non-sexy tangent into dogs and my displeasure for a dog I’m dogsitting right now, and I didn’t have to slag the movie while she was on the movie.  (The reason for the slagging wasn’t her fault anyway.  She looked pretty great all the way around here.)

Julia did confirm that Aaron Colt was her boyfriend and gave us the trivia that he didn’t like doing the deed with Shayla since he didn’t want to “cheat.”  Julia told him to pipe down and man up and they shot the scene.

Last Chance to See: What I Learned From Porn @ Fringe NYC

[I was hoping to post this earlier as there’s only one more chance to see this show – the work and theatre friendly time of 2:00pm this afternoon.Hurry, you only have three hours.]

On Tuesday night, I ran into NYC to see “What I Learned from Porn” a one-man show starring Steven Kates, who is better known to porn viewers as non-sex performer Frank Bukkwyd.

When I first started watching porn, what drew me in (beyond the obvious) was the low-budget production of so many late-80s/early-90s productions.  New Wave Hookers had a grunge aesthetic and its sets were literally made of cardboard. The productions were thrown together and some of my favorite performers from that era had a gameness to their performances that I would really appealing as a college theatre/TV student.  The Randys, Spears and West, were often found in movies written by Cash Markman, and they were my favorite “plotted” porn at the time; light, breezy and a little bit cheesy.

So when I heard that Markman’s protege was doing a one-man show as part of the Fringe NYC festival, I felt compelled to check it out.

I did a little research and found out that the show had been written and first performed back in 2010 during a workshop run by Ann Randolph and then done sporadically since then, so the piece had time to be developed and it seemed like a pretty good fit for the Fringe.

I got into NYC earlier than I expected and I had some time to kill, but I didn’t want to go far because I wasn’t able to purchase tickets ahead of time, and I’ve had times when I’ve missed a Fringe show because they’ve sold out at the door, and I didn’t want that to happen.

I stopped off and grabbed a sandwich at one of my favorite neighborhood spots and then hung around the lobby of the theatre, charging my phone, waiting for the box office to open at 8:45.

Finally, I got my ticket and a few minutes after the opened the house, I went in.

I was alone.

Ruh-roh.

Happily, a second guy came in a few minutes later and right after the show started a girl snuck in, so we were an audience of three.

Frank opened the show with this public service announcement:

Pretty entertaining! But the energy of the show faltered a little as we moved from multimedia to real life. Some of this was no doubt due to the fact that there were only five people in the room, two of whom were involved in putting on the show.

The stories unfolded with ease and video clips and slides were used help illustrate some points.

Somewhat to their detriment, stories were mostly told generically, without mentioning names.  While I knew who he was talking about when he told the story of the time he “was working with an actor-director-producer on a script for a movie about the sad tale of his ex-girlfriend who got into porn, got caught up drugs and the Sunset Strip rock club life and passed away…”  I found it a little distracting that he didn’t just say  “I was working with Buck Adams on the story of Savannah‘s life and suicide for a movie called Little Girl Lost…”  (especially since everyone involved in the story is dead.)  I’m not sure what was gained by his coyness, where the details of adding names could only help increase the understanding.  Maybe he didn’t want to seem namedrop-y? But each time, it took me out a little bit.

The other times he didn’t use names I was fine with as he created pastiches of performers which weren’t always flattering, but seemed like they could have been composites more than actual biographies.

Towards the end, the story got a little dark as he moralized a little about the damaged people who also find their way into the adult industry, and while it was difficult tonal shift and seemed to run a little contrary to his “porn production is weird and fun” platform,  the sequence was effective. There *is* an underside to this thing called porn and not everyone in it is as well adjusted as Nina Hartley.

I thought it was odd coming in and out of this transition and would look for a way to ease it in.  The section was accompanied by a stark lighting shift (“dim, serious lighting!”) in a show that had very few lighting cues, so that made it extra jarring.  Perhaps if the lights were a little more jumpy in response to various sections of the text it would be easier to make the transition between sections (“Ah!” we should say to ourselves “A new thought brings new lights!”).

A small, related gripe: the presence of a music stand with notes on it.   In a workshop setting, perfectly acceptable — but a Fringe show is supposed to be half-a-step beyond the workshop, so I kinda expect a performer to be off-book.  It didn’t help that the A/C blew the pages off the stand a couple times.  Perhaps the multimedia design could be reworked so that slides introducing sections could be used as the crutches or signposts that the notes were providing.

Overall, I have positive feelings about the production and hope Kates is willing and able to further its development, perhaps with the help of someone with a little more experience in the one-man-show department; as I think the one-man-show is a special animal and a special kind of writing.

I really wish more people were in the room when I saw it, and that may be the fault of the publicity materials.  I’m not sure what the goal was in having the sole image for the show appear be a tribute to Salvador Dali or Frank Nelson, or more currently, The Yes Guy.  The picture doesn’t really look like Frank — granted I’m not as intimately familiar with his roles to say “Oh, that was most famous role as “Not the Yes Guy” in “Simpsons: The XXX Parody” (Real movie, fake character) — but I don’t think its the kind of picture that would bring in someone who didn’t know who Frank Bukkwyd was. Maybe a 9 panel Brady Bunch-y collage of his various looks and appearances (which he shows off to very funny effect via video in the show) or something more staged that had a bit of a punchline to it. (Him in a towel looking clearly out of place on a porn set; tho maybe that’s more an image for Dave Cummings to use…)

The show isn’t so serious about itself or about its subject, and while he says the show isn’t for everyone, it’s far from filthy; in fact, he seems to go out of his way to keep it from veering there.  Only briefly does he touch upon the discipline required to be a porn performer and the accouterments needed (douche, lube, condoms, etc.)  and its only in those moments that he really talks about sex in anything resembling graphic.  He teases the phrase “anal intercourse” through the course of the show, but it seems done in a way to counter the fact that he really doesn’t talk about the sex all that much.

And that’s fine, because he’s a non-sex performer, and before that, a writer.

The show’s program doesn’t mention a director and the publicity materials only credit “Alan Smithee’s Second Cousin” and that’s probably the show’s biggest failing.  With a good director to help shape the piece and force Kates to be a little more present at times, I think there’s a real entertaining (and tourable!) story to be had here.

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