All posts by vanzetti

Tonight on Playboy Radio: San Fernando Valley Girls (1983)

“This is a species known as a Valley Girl; we’ll call her Tiffany. The fact that Tiffany is a girl that lives in the Valley is not enough to make her a Valley Girl. Valley Girls, or a “Vals” — as they are more commonly referred to — are a highly complex breed made up of definable attitudes, speech patterns and dress. Let’s start with the packaging…”

Tonight, at Debi‘s suggestion, we talked about San Fernando Valley Girls, a Louis Lewis production from 1983.

Jamie Gillis narrates this look at the girls who populate and fornicate in  the San Fernando Valley in porn’s cash-in off of Frank Zappa’s 1982 novelty-hit, Valley Girl. The film is structured like a documentary, with Jamie giving us a history of the region, it’s transformation from small town to bustling suburb due to movie money.

The narrator then turns his sights onto Val, played by Debi Diamond, here credited as Shelley Rey, standing naked, alone in what looks like a restaurant.  The narrator describes her and she adds elements to her costume along the way — the greatest perhaps, being when she pulls opaque purple pantyhose up over her naturally furry nether regions.

The narrator asks Tiffany about a “cool dude… meaning a nice young man?”

“Geez, like you can be so lame. Like, OK, so this blue Excalibur pulls up next to me, and like this waaay gnarly dude is like feeling me up with his eyes, and like I can totally swear its Rick Springfield.  Like DUDE!”

So the Narrator conjures up Arnold, a nerd played briefly by Jim Malibu as a nerd, who says “You must be one of those New Waver girls I read about in my Dad’s Reader’s Digest!” which causes Tiffany to recoil in disgust. “Ohmygod!  Like! This is like totally grody! Totally! Gag me with a spoon! Slimeball! Like I’m not into Aqua Velva and, like, no dude is named Arnold!”

“So what is a ‘Dude’ Tiffany?”

“Well, like, pick up this month’s GQ and like send me something that looks like it stepped off the page!”

A bell rings, and there’s Mike Horner in a sports jacket, black collared shirt buttoned to the neck, white belt and slacks.

“Like, my name’s Brian.  I have two tickets to tonight’s AC/DC concert… it’s like gonna crank… TO THE MAX! You wanna go with me?”

“Fer shurr!”

She seems impressed by this.  He runs down some more of their night’s festivities and ends with “… and if you’d like, you could give me some durrs… like, right now!”

“Fer shurr…”

And she starts to go down on him, and upon looking in his fly she exclaims, “Awesome! Like totally awesome!”

The Narrator starts to get flustered — “What are you doing?  Whar does the expression “Giving Durrs” mean?”

“I’m sure you can figure it out!” and we’re off to the races, and she proceeds to suck Mike off to a nice facial finish.

We next go to a bar for what is, we come to figure out in a Tarantino-esque flashback later on, Sharon Mitchell’s birthday party, headlined by a live performance by one of LA’s endless leather-pants-clad female-who-looks-like-Rosanna-Arquette fronted bands… and come to find the bar is owned by Max (Jamie Gillis) and Rosie (Juliet “Aunt Peg” Anderson).  Rosie wears a black wig and is trying to live vicariously through the girls by asking Max “So, what do you think of all this ValTalk?” and he says “Well, it’s good for business” and she says “I think it’s neat; I mean; totally rad, uh, to the max.”

The singer then announces “the moment you guys have all been waiting for — (we have?)– the big Valley Girl contest!” and pulls Janet (Gina Martell) up on stage to monologue how hard her life is since Daddy won’t pay for her nose job if her grades don’t improve… and we flashback to Stephanie (Janey Robbins) picking up her princess phone to speak with her best friend Tammy (Sharon Mitchell):

“Like, my electronic answering device is like totally in Repair City, so like, this is Stephanie, coming to you, like, all the way, live!”

“Oh my god! This is, like, too rad to be true!  Steph, this is Tammy. Can you talk?”

“Fer shurr, like my orthodontinst totally removed my retainer last week.”

(Get it?  I’m not so sure Janey did, but I digress…)

We come to find out that Uncle Max is throwing Tammy a birthday party, but if he was in charge of it, it’d be “all jonesy” so Tammy wants Stephanie to help her plan it, the centerpiece of which will be a contest to see who does the best ValSpeak…

After she hangs up, we pull back to see she’s been sitting on Eric Edwards’ face the whole time… so he eats her a bit more, then she sucks him off, and the whole time, they’re talking to each other in these nice little affirmations – how good the other one feels and the like … it’s almost kinda sweet.  They tit fuck for a bit, then she mounts him and they fuck fuck for a bit more, he flips her over, cums and keeps on strokin…

Then we cut to traffic on the 101 and a black VW Rabbit convertible drives along into the Valley and then we cut to more Valley Monologues (“Andrea, you’re not wearing that miniskirt and metallic shoes to your grandmother’s funeral!”) and we flashback to Tammy visiting Bobby (an effeminate Jon Martin) at his aerobics studio (Hello, Jane Fonda!) where a bunch of girls are gyrating, er, working out, and Tammy invites him to the party and let’s him know there’s a contest and the door prize is “A new Betamax for the Best Val!”

Bobby berates his students a little more with some tough love (“Work off those bagels and cream cheese, girls!”) and we’re back in Tammy’s room smoking pot with Tammy telling Janet a story about her sister Pam (Laurie Smith) and drug connection Raoul (Herschel Savage).  Pam won’t give Raoul “durrs” so she just offers him a handjob and it “keeps her in Bombay for another week.”  But, she does give him durrs after all, in fact, she gives him the fucky fucky.  (A quick side note: Laurie Smith is FUCKING HOT. Almost like a young Honey Wilder…  Moving on….)

Tammy and Janet then get turned on by the pot and the story and go to town on each other while the other scene goes on.  There’s a nice bit of the two girls kissing, and it’s fun to remember that Sharon Mitchell used to be famous for something other than being a health care professional.  Some of the footage between the girls is a little dark, but it is paced rather well.

The Laurie/Herschel scene ends with Laurie getting bonus points for jerking Herschel to pop on her bush, as opposed to him pulling out and taking care of himself.  The Gina/Sharon scenes ends with some 69 and scissoring.

Another Val Monologue which I couldn’t really understand, and we flashback to Tiffany driving to Lance’s (Paul Thomas) hair salon looking for a full beauty work up.  Debi has a voiceover on the drive and we find that she, too, is Max’s niece — not sure if that makes her Sharon’s sister or not…

She gets to the salon to find out, much to her dismay, that the girl who does the bikini waxes won’t be in for a few days, but Debi offers to show Paul how to do it.  Quick note: Paul Thomas plays Lance with  an insane Italian accent.

They discuss the waxing, and Paul preps the area with his tongue, eating Debi out in the salon chair.  She returns the favor by blowing him. (“You do that well.  Look at my cock; big and hard, eh? Tell me about it…” he says.  “I love it.  Totally.”)  So they fuck, and Joey Silvera walks in with an equally insane Italian accent — and then it becomes clear, they’re doing Ayckroyd and Martin.  As PT is fucking Debi, Joey hugs him prompting Debi to ask “Are you guy Frou-frou?” to which they respond in unison “No, we’re from Milan!”  (I think there’s a very real chance that “No, I’m from Milan!” may be sneaking into my conversation in the not-too-distant future…)  And of course, when a guy walks in on another guy fucking, no one is embarrassed, rather, they get generous and share… so PT sits down and Joey picks up right where PT left off, then PT sits back and critiques Joey’s fucking.  Life imitates art!  Then PT comes over and has Debi blow him while Joey keeps plugging away. It ends with Debi in the chair, a guy on each side, cock in each hand saying “Like, I want you both to come all over me!”  It’s pretty hot.  PT says “We’re brothers, eh!  Do everything together!” and Joey nods and they cum in unison and Debi cleans them off for good measure as Joey sings “I like-a it like that!”

Back to the bar…

Janey scoffs as Aunt Peg calls Jamie “Maxie” and says “Yuck! Sounds like a feminine napkin!” to which Aunt Peg retorts “Well, there is a similarity, no pins, no annoying tapes and Maxie here stays just as snug as a bug in a rug.”  “Like, wow, I could throw away my appetite suppressants!” Janey says. And then a small catfight breaks out between Janey and Aunt Peg, which of course leads to sex. Aunt Peg is costumed perfectly, in garters and granny panties, and she and Janey share Max’s cock… he fucks Aunt Peg while Janey sits on her belly and Jamie violently plays with Janey’s tits until he turns her over and fucks her while she eats out Aunt Peg.  He breaks the “guys don’t touch their own dicks” trend and jerks himself off onto Janey’s ass.

Finally, after some more Valley Monologues (which — SPOILER ALERT —  Jon Martin wins in drag!), they all sing Happy Birthday to Tammy (some call Mildred and Patty Hill!) and then Billy Dee comes out as a stripper, and he ends up fucking her — while she keeps her leg warmers on — in the back room of the bar.  She pulls his cock out and he cums on her bush.

“And so, when all is said and done, Valley Girls are not all that different than other girls, I mean, like, all they really want is Valley Boys.  For sure.  For sure.”

So, this is a little time capsule of 1983, and it may best be watched in a room full of guys with a case of beer.  This is a movie to laugh at on some level because it’s just so dated… tho you may find yourself laughing with it as well… and the sex is pretty hot, so you might want to watch when you’re by yourself too. :-)  (Disclaimer: The sex is hot in a 1983 way, which is to say there are no 45 minute feats of endurance here; these are short scenes, the girls are hairy downstairs, but they really enjoy themselves as opposed to so much of post-1990 porn where there is at best tolerance for the sex partner and sex acts and at the worst laying there until they can cash the check.)

I will leave you with this unrelated gem — but relating to the whole Valley Girl “craze” — an uber-awkward interview with Frank and Moon-Unit Zappa stonewalling Joan Lunden on Good Morning America in September, 1982.  (Joan seems to want Moon to tell her what awful people the kids she goes to school with are, and Moon, understandably, is not interested in committing social suicide.)

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Bad Girls 2 (1983)

Since I was operating under the impression that Debi was flying solo tonight — Nicki was away, but Dane Cross was in the studio — we decided to focus on one of her first movies — David I. Frazer‘s Bad Girls 2 from 1983… coincidentally, the year Dane was born.

There were really only 4 sex scenes — the Debi Diamond masturbation scene at the beginning of the movie is hardly long enough to qualify as a scene — spread out over an 81 minute running time.  What the film lacked in sex scenes, it made up in spirit.

The adjective I would use to describe the movie is breezy.  Svetlana and David Frazer’s movies were almost all just fun, happy romps with pretty people have good sex.

As Debi described:

I still will never forget one of my first movies, doing that out in Newhall [Calfornia] … and both David and Svetlana were out there, they were active, and they were running around, and they would wake us up in the morning, as we were staying at a small hotel out there…

The plot to this couldn’t be easier — Suzanna Brittan, a photographer, gets an assignment from Playpal to get some “nature shots” so she brings three cockteasing models — Debi Diamond (credited as Kaviar), Jacqeuline Lorians and Brooke Fields (credited as Blaire Castle) — to the sleepy hamlet of Boulder Creek (population 500) for some photo shoots and general mirth making.

There are a lot of shots of the girls prancing around the creeks in the area, looking beautiful.

There were sexy shots.  I remember they would set up all the sexy… the sun had to be flowing  through your dress while you were walking; they took the time to make those sexy little things happen. … I thought it was so  funny, and we were having so much fun, I just felt like we were having fun with friends and fucking at the same time.

But the girls created trouble with their sexy ways — generally by flashing the townsfolk (who really didn’t seem to get as much of a charge as seeing Jacqueline Lorians’ ass as I did…)

As the Jacqueline and Debi are photo-shooting, Brooke wanders out and finds fisherman Paul Baressi asleep in his boat.  She wakes him up and flirts mercilessly, having him teach her to fish by standing behind her and helping her hold the pole; and the whole time she’s rubbing her tits against his hands… and then she leaves; but not before he invites her to the local watering hole.

She shows up at the bar — where a real Country/Western band is playing and there are more than two patrons in the place, dancing — in fact, some of the extras are characters with stories and arcs – the jealous barkeep who doesn’t like how his girlfriend dresses, etc.  But Brooke finds Paul and they dance and he wants to move thing back to his place, but she wants to do it in front of all those people and tells him, “put your hands up my skirt and touch me! And if anyone sees, it’ll just turn ’em on more…”

As she goes to the bar, Debi and Jacqueline head to the movies to see Cinderella (“A Family Movie” the marquee states!) and there’s some kid working behind the candy counter who thinks he recognizes Jacqueline as the model on one of his posters, but she’s bending over … and she obliges just as the Sheriff comes in, catching her flashing her ass to the kid, and the Sheriff makes his Deputy (Ron Jeremy) arrest her for soliciting a minor (“Tiny!  Ricky’s 22 years old!”) and bring her to jail.  So, they have a great tease scene where he’s telling her all the things he wants to do to her, and she’s telling him all the things she wants him to do her, and eventually there’s fucking.

Ron: “Come on, just touch yourself a little — on top of the panties.  Do it for me.”

She does.  Tufts of public hair strain out from the sides of the panties; no one heard of bikini waxes yet…Jacqueline: “Would you like to lick it now?  We’d really like that.”  (We really like how she speaks of  her and her pussy in the first person plural voice….)So Ron takes off his hat and dives on in.

There’s lots of talking in the scene — in all of the scenes actually — the partners actually tell each other what they want.  “Grab my tits!  Make me your meat!”  She turns herself around and has him mount her doggie style, where she matches him thrust for thrust.  “FUCK ME DEEP!” she squeals and finally he cums right between her pretty awesome tits.

Poor Herschel Savage, the most Jewish southern farmer around — his wife (Honey Wilder) finds his dirty magazine stash and throws it out, complaining that he pays more attention to the magazine than to her.

He fights back by grabbing the magazine out of the trash and getting himself up into the hayloft, to settle down for a little self-abuse… but just by coincidence the magazine cover girl — Debi herself — shows up in the loft and fucks him silly in the hay, and then later hanging from the rafters (to get out of the hay).

I asked Debi about having sex in the hay (“gosh, it seems like just so much pinching and poking…”), and she replied:

Oh my god, it was the most horrible thing.  And not only was I fucking — didn’t I hang from these big rafters? Because I didn’t want to… I was like Herschel, you got this big cock, I want to fuck you, but this hay is driving me crazy.  It hurts so bad — once it pokes you once, you get swollen!

They fuck like crazy and Herschel gets busted as he and Debi are leaving, leaving Debi to run off while Honey Wilder lays into Herschel.

The girls run around town making more sexual mischief and they find themselves in jail again, where Ron instigates an orgy…  Ron pairs off with Debi, Jacqueline and Brooke go at it and Suzanne just writhes around on the bed, not even really touching herself…

The girls find themselves in front of the judge who find them … SPOILER ALERT, watch it yourself. :-)

The movie really struck me by the amount of non-sexual content and the scope of the film.  There were stunts – a guy gets distracted by the girls and drives a bulldozer through a fence; later on, he drives a taxi through a storefront… and lots of extras, and lots of dialogue.

This is a great couples flick, free of the modern day contrivances – we’ve got all natural girls (Jacqueline Lorains’ rack is really something to behold), natural hair colors (no bleach blondes here),  all natural bushes, and people having fun while having normal-person length sex (as opposed to today’s athletic display of stamina in a half-hour long pump-a-thons) … turn on the movie and you’re pretty much guaranteed to be in bed (or on the couch, boat, bus or RV)

The movie is available on DVD (new or used) or VOD or Download from vendors in our price search.

We also went on to talk a little bit about the other movie called Bad Girls 2 that Debi did for Vivid in 1994, tho we confused her pairing with Janine as being from #2 and not from Bad Girls 1 as it was…

And we’ll leave it with the first glimpse of Debi that we get in the movie — all legs, lounging on the couch, reading a magazine, on the cusp of playing with herself…

We’ll be back next week to talk about more classic porn.  Leave us some comments, let us know what you want us to talk about; or let us know how we’ve been doing.  As much as we love to hear ourselves talk, feedback is nice. :-)

Tonight on Playboy Radio: High School Memories

Tonight we spoke about Anthony Spinelli’s 1980 classic High School Memories.

I first saw this movie when I was in high school, and it quickly became one of my favorites; and re-watching it, 25 years later, it remains one of my favorites, but perhaps for different reasons.

Back then, it was due to the subject matter – the jocks on the bus banging all the cheerleaders; staying at a hotel in an away game and raising hell…  That’s every HS kid’s fantasy, right?

Now, tho, I like it both for the nostalgia that accompanies the watching of a favorite movie, but also for the perspective that being 42 brings to the movie, as opposed to 17.  The movie is framed by Annette Haven, in town for a reunion, telling Chris Hopkins (aka Diana Holt in what’s arguably her first role)  stories over drinks about high school… but Annette wasn’t a student there, rather, she was the faculty head of the cheerleaders.  She and  Coach Salinas (expertly played by Jamie Gillis) both banged students during one of the road trips which led to both of them losing their jobs.

Of course, Salinas shows up at the bar, and seems to be a changed man.

Salinas became a punchline among my friends back then — we’d often joke about his mannerisms, how he’d mutter dirty things under his breath (“how you would you like a fucking hard dick in your cunt?“) — and they’re just as amusing to me now (your mileage may vary).  (Looking at it now, the muttering actually seemed to be done in post-production, as the audio seems almost all dubbed.)

Annette’s scene with Steve Parks when she plays teacher (“I adore letter men; espcially 17 year old letter men.“) is so amazingly slow and seductive — “I don’t know what to do,” he says, and she stands, walks to the side of the bed, and reveals herself in a leotard and then shows him exactly what to do.  The music is soft and romantic, and they take their time, lots of kissing, and as he works his way down her body, she musses his hair and then just leans back, runs her fingers through her own hair, and just enjoys it as she lets him go to work…

But the increasing melancholy over how things turned out and what might have been are palpable — Annette really sells it in some of the bar scenes, so when (spoiler alert!) Annette and Jamie finally hook up at the end, there actually is some emotional pay-off.

Dorothy LeMay and Jamie Gillis

Other notable highlights –

  • John Leslie and Dorothy LeMay setting a very high bar in a very brief suck and fuck which ends with a hands free cumshot after LeMay drops his cock out of her mouth
  • Jamie Gillis‘ spasm after Chris Hopkins finishes blowing him
  • Jamie Gillis‘ Groucho Marx routine — while wearing a bathrobe that says “Head Coach” — before he bangs Dorothy LeMay — “Ms. Adams – when we’re travelling, you’re fucking somebody all the time.  Have you noticed? If it’s not Nunzio, it’s Jack; if it’s not Jack, it’s Al; if it’s not Al, it’s Nunzio.  So why don’t you fuck me, Ms. Adams?” to which she replies in my buddies’ oft-quoted way, “Coach Salinas!” and then as they finish up “Don’t you want to come on my face?” “What do you think I am? A fucking animal?” as he pulls out and cums on her panties.
  • The way Jamie pulls his cock away from Annette as she’s blowing him because he just can’t wait to fuck her… and the way she comfortably giggles after they climax.

 

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Little Oral Annie

Little Oral Annie has crept into the last two segments, so we’re going to spotlight her in an effort to get past her so we can talk about other things. :-)

She first came onto my radar in I Like To Watch, which was one of the first pornos I ever saw.  From there, I would go to the local Ramada Inn and they had a vending machine which sold Cheri magazines (among others) so I’d sneak in, buy the mag, and go home and, er, read it.  In it was a monthly column written (?) by Annie giving advice on how to give good head and what her secrets were — she claimed she could unhinge her jaw like a snake which allowed her to swallow the likes of John Holmes; she suggested having your cocksucker wrap her lips around her teeth to avoid painful biting or scraping…

Notable appearances (in no particular order):

We spoke a little bit about Blake “The Wedge” Palmer, whose cock is shaped like a triangle… which — according to Debi who knows first hand —  is good since when you’re taking him up the ass, after half his cock is in, it looks like you’ve got a telephone pole up there when you’re only dealing with the skinny part of the triangle. :-)

As always, we ran out of time — something I have to work on, I suppose — so we didn’t segue what we’re going to talk about next time; but I think it’ll probably be about high school…

As always, your comments or ideas for future segments is appreciated and encouraged!

 

 

 

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Talk Dirty to Me 2

I was a bit better prepared for Night Calls tonight.

After asking Debi how her ass was (the previous segment had her getting pinched by clothespins) we went into talking about Talk Dirty To Me 2.

This Tim McDonald film from 1982 is notable for being only marginally related to Anthony Spinelli‘s original Talk Dirty To Me. Turns out there were rights issues, so Spinelli’s sequel is called Nothing To Hide and the producer’s sequel is Talk Dirty To Me 2.

This installment follows Jack (John Leslie) and Lenny (here played by Blair Harris) as they manage their local watering hole while the owner/barkeep goes away. The barkeep has one of the great opening lines “Well, well. Look who’s here… the ass bandit himself.” (Note to self: check if assbandit is available as a vanity license plate)

In one of the few nods to the original, Jack calls the real estate lady (played by Aunt Peg in the original) looking for a new sublet, but he runs into (and ends up banging) her daughter, played by Nicole Black (a dead ringer for a 1970s Sarah Silverman). They have a great scene, made greater by this little bit of action, described here by Brad in an old review from alt.sex.movies:

Nichole “seduces” Leslie and gives him a nice BJ. But the impressive part was while naked, sitting in a chair, legs parted and bent back with her feet about shoulder-height (sorry, trying this from memory and I can’t seem to find the right words), Leslie sits on the floor in front of her and proceeds to give her head; she *really* comes at least 3 times (body shuddering each time) and, on the 3rd time, manages to tilt her pelvis even further back, enlarging/stretching her vaginia even more open for Leslie to get at; it was impressive (and not an acrobatic-type move that I’ve seen since)!!

After their tryst, they sit on the couch eating crackers out of the box and watching uptight TV sex therapist Dr. Anne Childs (played by Bridgette Monet, but voiced by someone else entirely — her whole part was dubbed) and Leslie gets his idea for his next score. He and Lenny crash her TV show and he spouts enough dirty talk before getting thrown out to get under her skin in a big way.

The scene in the studio really shows off the commitment to these movies, there’s a full studio audience of 20-25 people from all walks of life — not the crowd of tattoo’d twentysomethings that pass for a crowd of extras these days…

Bridgette fucks real-life hubby Dave Cannon (playing her show’s producer) but she’s pre-occupied with many other things other than his lovin’ as she’s on the phone during a chunk of their encounter… tho she does allow a generous bit of tit-fucking, ending with a pearl necklace.

There’s a few more scenes in there, but the one that stuck out for me as I was reviewing this movie today is Scene 6 (about 53 minutes into the film) between the bartender (anyone know her name?!?) and John Leslie. It starts out with them fucking but he stops and just talks dirty as he fucks her mouth / jerks off around her neck somewhere. Bridgette stumbles upon them and watches, getting increasingly turned on; but the thing that seems to push her over the edge is the way the bartender GRABS THE SIDE OF THE TABLE IN ECSTASY. It’s amazing how long McDonald holds the shot of her tensed hand and intercuts with with Monet’s wanting face — it’s an scorching hot scene that ends in an off-camera pop shot.

 

The final pairing between Monet and Leslie is also pretty good, if for nothing else, the way it’s set up. Jack knows he’s got her where he wants her, so he camps out in her bedroom waiting for her to come home (breaking and entering was never so sexy!) and he sits on the bed playing harmonica and grinning like the cat who gets to fuck the canary.

BONUS: Paul Thomas is a piano player at the bar singing “The Greatest Love of All” (later made famous by Whitney Houston) at about 73 minutes in.

We also spoke of John Leslie’s overall awesomeness and his ability to pop without even touching himself — he can fuck a girl, pull his cock out of her and just cum on her box unassisted. Really impressive; especially considering we’re impressed in these modern times if the girl can jack the guy off to pop.

Imperator really summed up Leslie’s appeal in his 1995-6 review of Talk Dirty to Me:

In my book, a great male lead must havecharm. There is nothing more annoying than seeing all those pretty ladies of porn pretending to swoon before Wayne Summers’, Tony Montana’s or -of course- Ron Jeremy’s “glory”. A -female- friend, annoyed at the large percentage of unappealing males in the biz, has hypothesized that this is being done on purpose, so that the viewer does not feel antagonized by an overly handsome actor. I don’t know whether this is true; personally, I resent the “long-haired rocker dude” type and the “sweaty, creepy Ron-like” one equally. Give me John Leslie or R.Bolla any day; these guys havepersonality.

Last thing that TDTM2 had — a theme song!

Until next week, where we’ll talk some more about Little Oral Annie.