Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Desires Within Young Girls (1977)

Tonight on Playboy Radio (4:40 Pacific / 7:40 Eastern) I’ll be talking with Debi Diamond and Nicki Hunter about Ramsey Karson’s 1977 classic, Desires Within Young Girls.  (This is another casualty of 70s morals not syncing up with the morals of the early 21st century, as the film has been cut from it’s original running time of 103 minutes to 87 minutes due to some implications of how young the titular “young girls” really are. . . by way of example, you’ll note most series from the early 2000s all suddenly were branded as “College Girls. . . ” instead of just “Girls. . .”)

The movie starts right off with a blowjob backlight by a fireplace as Madeline Stone (Georgina Spelvin) and her husband Charlie (a disguised-to-be-older John Leslie) are going at it.  She narrates her sex in a rapid fire beat chick cadence yelling “Ride me!  Ride me!”, and John over-exaggerates his southern accent.  They got at it, and John starts wheezing, and he jokes that he’s getting old.  She says that he’s not old judging by the evidence that she’s riding, and then shortly after he falls out of her, prompting the admonition: “Ah, look what you done.  You broke the stride.  Put my evidence back where it was. . .” as she remounts him. . . when she finally cums, she leaps off and jerks him off, and we see cum flying in silhouette behind the fireplace. . . and then he dies, leaving Maddie to ponder her fate with a succinct “Oh, shit.”  Smash cut to the credits.

The credits are rolled over a static shot of a limosuine, after which we get the first cut of the DVD.

There’s a dialogue scene between Maddie and Marty, the Chauffeur (John Seeman) that isn’t in the DVD (the first line is left in):

MADDIE: And Marty, and don’t forget, it’s “Mrs. Stone” when we get there, all right?”

MARTY: I’m not going to forget, Maddie. I couldn’t if I tried; you only told me that six times since we left town 20 minutes ago.

MADDIE: Well, I’m sorry.  (tries to light cigarette) Martin, please light me a cigarette, I guess I’m just a little nervous.

MARTY: That’s no guess, Maddie.  You’re a lot more than a little nervous

MADDIE: Well, how the hell would you feel, going to pick up your own two daughters whom you hardly seen in years and now they’re coming to live with me.

MARTY: Well, it’s got to be a lot better than that prison you sent them to.

MADDIE: Ballantines may be a very strict school, but it happens to be the best girls boarding school in this country

MARTY: Aw, c’mon Maddie, they’ll love you!

MADDIE: When you get on the other side of the big 4-0 you find people start loving you a little less —

MARTY: Jesus Christ, Maddie!  You’re not exactly ready to be put out to pasture —

MADDIE: Oh, I don’t kid myself, Marty.  Sure, I had it once, but — hell, I’m out of practice; Charles has spoiled me

MARTY: Well, as far as I’m concerned you still got it.

MADDIE: You’re sweet.  But you know, fond memories don’t pay the liquor bill or YOUR salary for that matter.  That’s the thing about life, it keeps happening. . . the first of every goddamned month. . .

At which point, the car pulls into the boarding school, which is where the DVD picks up.

(I can’t tell what is offensive in that scene that you’d want it cut out of the movie. . . that it establishes the girls as her daughters and not her step-daughters?)

Cecelia (Annette Haven) and Penelope (Clair Dia) exit the school with Maddie and head towards the car.  We get a shot of Cissy coquettishly smiling at Marty.

Then there’s another dialogue scene in the car that’s been cut from the DVD.  The girls and Maddie are in the back seat, driving back home:

MADDIE: (awkwardly clears throat) I think there’s one thing we ought to get straight, right off the bat, girls.  My name is Maddie, to everyone it’s Maddie — people I like, people I don’t like, people I love and to loathe; everyone calls me Maddie.  It’s short for Madeline, not for Mother. So please, call me Maddie, never Mother.  Don’t misunderstand me — it’s not that I don’t love the idea of being a mother, I love being a mother, it’s just the name I can’t live with.  So Maddie it is, alright girls?

PENELOPE: Maddie is fine with us.

CECILIA: Jinx! You owe me a Coke.

MADDIE: What did you say?  Is that some sort of pig latin or something?

CECILIA: “Jinx, you owe me Coke?” It’s a game you play when you start to say something at the same time as someone else.

MADDIE: Do you have any idea what she’s talking about?

PENELOPE: She’s just a little nervous; we both are.

MADDIE: Oh. Well, then I think it’ll be a good idea if, uh, when you get nervous, both of you endeavor to keep your mouths tightly  shut.  You see, there’s nothing more annoying than a chattering woman.

Again, it’s not clear why this scene was cut; perhaps because it makes them seem younger than 18, playing a childish game like “Jinx” ?

In the DVD as well as the movie, we then cut to the girls in their rooms — Annette is looking at Playgirl, Clair is writing in her journal and talking on the phone, then Annette is trying on a variety of outfits; watching her not fit into a jumpsuit is one of life’s small pleasures.  Then the girls apply their makeup with the score bouncing back and forth between two themes, one for each girl.

And another scene that’s not on the DVD between the two girls, sitting on their beds, reading dirty magazines.

PENNY: This is absolutely impossible.  Nobody.. NO-body can do this in a car like that.  (She shows Cissy the magazine)

CISSY: I bet Marty can. . . (she looks thru her magazine) Huh.  You think that’s impossible?  Take a look at this!

We see a close up of the article — black and white photos  of people fucking in odd poses under the headline “COITAL POSITIONS:  The Erotic Acrobatics”

We get dreamy harps, and the scene dissolves to a field and Cissy is running out of the back of the limo, clad only in a Fredericks of Hollywood cupless underwire bra and panties and stockings as Marty chases her.  We quickly dissolve back to the bedroom and then back to the car where Marty is spread eagle in the open hood as Cissy is blowing him. . . then they’re on the roof of the car fucking. . . cut to the room and more black and white photos of fellatio, and back to the field where Cissy is blowing Marty some more, and then they’re back on the roof of the car fucking in missionary.  Cut to the magazine then back to Marty who is eating Cissy out as she’s holding herself in the driver’s side door.  More magazine and they’re fucking doggie style in the back seat.  End of scene, no pop shot.

We cut to Maddie who is on the phone, only the last part of her line is on the DVD before it cuts to a scene that’s not in the original cut (but more on that in a second)

MADDIE: That’s right, tomorrow.  And Friday, Penny.  Oh, and Mark — kind of watch it with Cissy, she’s a bit prone towards puppy love . . . that wasn’t funny, Mark.  You can leave your sense of humor home, with your cocker spaniel.

Next we have a scene in the kitchen with the girls and Maddie, which seems to be missing a bit on my tape as well, as the context of Penny’s line at the beginning doesn’t make much sense. . .

PENNY: Even my newspapers. . .

CISSY: Even my birth control pills!

MADDIE: Oh God! You didn’t take one, did you?

CISSY: (weakly) I think so. . .

MADDIE: Will you two, please remember to forget to take your pills, from here on in?  Penny, will you run and see if Martin has the car ready?

CISSY: I will!

Cissy runs out on the errand.

MADDIE: Oh, God — I’m afraid I’ve made my own little Frankenstein’s Monster.  You know, Penny, you’re going to have to help me keep an eye on Cissy.  From what Mark says, she’s as horny as she is scattered.

PENNY: That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?

MADDIE: Now,we are NOT going to get into that again.  I spent three years putting this little expedition together, and I am in no mood for last minute aggravations.

PENNY: Perish the thought, if there’s anything I would not want to be it’s a “last minute aggravation.” (spitefully) Besides, we’re only here for you to use us, like you do everyone else. . .

MADDIE: Three years, the last of my bank account and all of my energy have been used up, getting you two little ingrates prepared to find suitable husbands; and that’s not “using you,” it’s called “collecting interest on old investments.”  Three months it’s taken me to get these invitations together; now if you were just half as smart as your mouth, young lady, you’d realize that you can’t make someone sexy, it’s just the way Cissy is.

PENNY: Lucky her. . .

Cut to the exterior of the house, and Penny calls over to Mark, who is dribbling a basketball.

PENNY: Mark!  Come here!

MARK: You decided to check up on me huh?  (He takes a mouthful of water from a nearby water fountain and then spits it out)  Play some basketball?

Cut to them sitting in a grassy area, Mark seems a little dejected; he doesn’t want to say goodbye.

PENNY: So, we’re going to this guy’s big mountain ranch in, uh, I don’t know, Big Sur, or something like that. . .

MARK: All right, look.  You’ll probably meet a nice man, you’ll have plenty of money, and houses and boats and cars — he’ll buy you everything you need want, and you’ll probably live happily ever after.

PENNY: That’s the way it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?

MARK: Yeah (sigh) That’s the way it’s supposed to be. . .

Cut to the girls and Maddie in the back of the car again driving to see the Blanchards.

Now, in place of the above scenes on the DVD, they’re replaced by a scene between Penny and Mark, and his attempt to teach her how to seduce a man, since she’ll need those skills for husband-hunting.  They’re in her bedroom; she’s half-naked under the covers, he sits on the side of the bed.  Nothing is rushed.

PENNY: Well, how would you feel?  Maddie has kept us as far removed from men as possible. And suddenly. . .

MARK: All of a sudden: me.

PENNY: I hadn’t meant that personally.

MARK: Maybe we’re going about this all wrong.  If you think this is a first for you. . . I mean. . . before you can make love to someone, you need to seduce them. And, um, you don’t know the first thing about seducing somebody.

PENNY: Oh! Seduction is very big around here.  It’s just one man after another.

MARK: Let’s make it a game.

PENNY: What do I win?  How about a vacuum cleaner?  Or a cruise to Tijuana?

MARK: Look, first of all, let’s figure that we’re really at a party, and, uh, you picked me up downstairs.  (She giggles) And you got me to meet you up here.

PENNY: Were you easy?  (Giggles)

MARK: I’m not supposed to be; but for you. . . I was a push over.  One smile. . .

PENNY: OK. . .

MARK: (indicating her being more undressed than he is)  You seem to have a head start. Why don’t you help me catch up.  You can’t seduce me Penny unless you get to me.

PENNY: Am I doing it right?

MARK: It might be a little more fun if you’ve investigated. . .

At which point he has Clair undress him, making sure to have her spend time playing with his chest hair and his nipples.  He returns the favor, spending quite some time on her breasts before having her remove his pants.  This is a pretty languid scene with lots of kissing.  He works his way down her body, spending more time on her nipples (like little erasers they are!) and spends some time orally pleasing her.  (It should be noted the print this transfer came from is pretty badly damaged with surface noise, but it does not affect the hotness of the scene.)

Finally they get down to the fucking, and he mounts her in missionary, and there’s still a lot of kissing going on, and then he ever so easily sits her up and do a little sitting cowgirl before he lies down for the full ride-on.  He flips her back around onto her side and he goes at it side-saddle for a few strokes before finishing with the doggie.  The sex cuts around at this point, some cocksucking, some fucking, she’s on top, he’s on top and it finally ends with the patented John Leslie “pull out with the no-hands cumshot” even tho Penny lends a helping hand a little which he then guides her hand, to finish her lesson.

Now, we’re back to the scene where the girls and Maddie are heading to see the Blanchards.  The goal is to try to seduce his son (Jason Blanchard, but he prefers Jace)  in the hopes of landing him and ensuring their continued financial stability.  Annette is dressed like a farmer’s daughter in a gingham top that can barely contain her breasts (lots of underboob!) and cut-offs.

The rancher (Ralph Jenkins) is admonishing his son (Ray Wells) to treat the girls right lest he be sent off to agricultural college in the city.  When Annette steps out of the car, there are harps and rainbows surround the boy.  No sooner do they walk around back that they’re tearing at each other, and they end up in the stables.  He flatters her figure, saying “You’re build like a heifer in heat!” which makes her giggle.  He struggles to get her top off, and as soon as he does, he’s all over her tits.  She has an equally hard time trying to get his cock out of his pants, but finally works the button fly free so she can start sucking, while there’s fiddle and banjo playing on the soundtrack, and horses look on curiously.  Doesn’t take long for Jace to mount her doggie style (horsey style?) forcing her into the hay which causes her hay fever to flare up and she starts sneezing after while which must get him going because he starts getting ready to cum and saying things like “I’m going to put my number on you!” and then finally exclaiming “This is it! The big round-up!  Yippee!”

This is a pretty funny scene.  Not a lot going on sexually (brief cocksucking, one position) but what is there is spirited, and we get to spend most of our time looking at Annette’s fine fine ass.  (Tho, all I could think about was how much that hay probably poked at her belly.)

As they cuddle post-coitus, he lays out their great life. . . her getting up at 5 to milk the cows, having a bunch of kids, every Sunday having the whole family over for fried chicken that they’ll cook themselves. . . “we’ll slaughter them ourselves! It’s easy! I’ll teach ya!  You just grab em by the neck. . .”” and Annette screams and runs away, thus ending their hopes with the cattlemen.

Next up, they attend a high-class party — on the steps Georgina lays it out “Girls, don’t forget.  We’re here to get a proposal or pregnant or ELSE.”

As they approach, our eyepatch clad host, Harrison (Frank Hollowell), is told:

“Harrison, it looks like your final guests are coming. . .”

“Baroness, before the night is over, ALL my guests will be cumming.”

The Baroness (Joan Devlon) and Maddie have their claws out upon introductions:

Harrison: Maddie used to be quite a game player —

Baroness: Before my time, I’m sure.

Maddie: Oh Baroness, I’m sure nothing was before your time. . .

ZING!

Maddie introduces the girls to Charles Dancer the Third (Turk Lyon), and they blush and run off to the powder room.  Maddie explains that there are some games to be played, and they should just follow the instructions on the cards they’ll be given.

“Darling, there’s no more sincere compliment in the world than a hard-on . . .  I know he’s insufferable, but he’s rich Rich RICH! The rich only get richer, and its the obligation of the poor to do something about it!  You have no idea about poverty. Poor people have a very unattractive odor and bad teeth. ”

There’s a little scene between Marty and Cissy, where they smoke a little pot, but nothing comes of it beyond Annette looking divine.

There’s some small talk around the dinner table which culminates in discussion of The Game, and its goal: “Knowing and showing that he or she is the most versatile sexual athlete in this gathering of renowned superstars. . .”  There are two games, and you have to win both. . . Maddie bets Harrison she can predict the winner, if so, he’ll pay her $5,000, if not, she has to have a candlelight dinner with an old friend. . .

The first card we see reads: “You are a ravishing lesbian.  Ravish and enjoy.

So the Barroness and the Fashion Model (Bonnie Holiday) go at it.  (“I’ve never made it with royalty before!” / “I’ve never been with a fashion model before!”) and we cut back to Harrison and Maddie watching the action on a closed-circuit TV.

The scene cuts back and forth from the room to the TV and back.  Bonnie eats out Joan, as Joan grips the headboard in delight.  It’s a pretty short scene, only about two minutes.  The model hands another card to the Baroness who reads it: “Your next encounter awaits behind the door.  YOUR turn to be ravished!”  Enter the black butler who pulls out his flaccid cock and as she sees it, she yells “Oh god, no way!  Dammit, Harrison!  You motherfucker!”

Cut to Maddie watching the Baroness on TV, saying to  Harrison “All class, that one.”

“You know Maddie, if I hadn’t rigged this game, I would have thought you had. . .” and he presses another button on the cable box (standing in for a remote) and we see another card:

“You have strong sadistic tendencies.  Within this room, someone will provide you pleasure in this area.”

We enter the room and see Cissy chained naked but for a garter belt against a stone wall in a room feeling queasy after the dinner.  (Goddamn does she look great.) The General (Chesley Noone) is desperate to use some clamps on her, but she just wants Alka-Seltzer.  She cockblocks the General at every turn, she’s not having any of it; she just gives him mouth, and he almost breaks down and cries. . .. so she just masturbates and has the quickest orgasm on record. . . knocking The General out of the game.  An entertaining scene, if only for Annette’s insolence and disinterest.

Next room has Jon Martin as a shy fella who walks in on Abigail Clayton and Stacy Evans dressed in old-timey undergarments, and Abby is pushing a cloth up inside herself and has him pull it out with his mouth as Stacy undresses him and he moves on to full blown cunnilingus and then Stacy moves on to fellatio.  Stacy throws him onto the bed, wriggles out of her panties and climbs next to him as Abby pulls her stockings off and gets in bed with them.  She starts kissing down his legs and sucking on his toes as Stacy pays attention to his nipples and then they meet at his soft cock, which has the cloth wrapped around it.  They suck him off to get him hard, then Abby climbs on as he eats out Stacy.  He flips Abby over and starts fucking her as Stacy licks her tits.  Finally he takes Stacy doggie style as she sucks on her thumb and briefly thereafter launches a slo-mo Peter North-esque blast across her back.

Then Dominique (Sabrina) comes in and puts her high heel right into Jon’s cock, and he wants to go home, so he loses the game. . .

Next, Harrison hits a button and we see Charles and Penelope on a water bed, and after some horrible pillow talk, and as he starts sucking her tit, she asks him to “be careful of the lump. . . even tho I’m sure its not cancerous” which isn’t as much of as turn off as you might thin; but she continues to make up ailments until he finally stops.  (“It’s down!  It hasn’t been down since I was eight!“) Enter Cissy and she gets him hard again (“My God!  It came back to life!“) and we cut immediately to her sucking him off and him covering her in kisses ended up with him eating her out.  She rides him reverse cowgirl and on the last stroke lifts herself off him and jerks him off onto her belly.  It’s an amazingly hot end to a short-ish scene.  “I may have blown the game with your sister, but at least this was really hot!. . . wasn’t it?”  Cissy says it wasn’t and she runs out.

Maddie tells Harrison she’s expecting payment when Harrison says he has one more trick up his sleeve, and he sends Dominique to “cut [Cissy] down to size”   “Oh, fuck this!” says Cissy as she runs out.  Maddie is all pleased with herself for winning the game and Harrison hands over a check.

Maddie and Cissy are in the car and Marty tells them that Penny left some time ago in a taxi.  She goes to meet Mark at the waterfront and tells him that she’s not like Cissy and can’t be what Maddie wants her to be.  She feels Mark is the only person she can talk to, and they kiss and pledge their love for each other.  It’s a nice scene, well played between the two. . . and it foil’s Maddie’s plan, to boot.

So Maddie bring Cissy to a Yacht Party in a further attempt to land a rich suitor.  As they approach the boat, Cissy catches a glimpse of the host’s son, Clark Dayton, Jr. (Paul Thomas) and she hears the harps and sees the rainbows and promptly falls into the bay.  Clark, Jr. jumps in after her and he brings inside to wash off and dry clothes. As these things often do, they end up fucking in the shower, in an awesome scene that’s also all slow and soapy; and then, as she’s grabbing for his cock while his fingers are exploring her nether region. . . he hears the harps and sees the rainbows and they know they’re made for each other.  However, there’s an AWESOME shot taken from the ceiling looking down on them entwined in the tub, with them each on their backs, and her straddling his cock. . . then as he’s eating her out, she starts asking him a bunch of questions about their future, and she’s forcing his head around, nodding or shaking depending on the question. . .

Maddie gets introduced to Clark, Sr. (Carl Irwin) and whole plying her charms, she finds out that Junior has been disinherited years ago because he’s a drunk with no ambition. . . so she’s left high and dry again. . . but maybe Clark Sr. is showing some interest in her?

So ends a delightful movie.  It’s a take on “How To Marry a Millionaire” and the movies like it where marrying a rich guy is all a girl could want.  The sex scenes support the story, not the other way around as it usually is.

This is one of those movies everyone should see, to see how movies were made back then, how hot they can be even in modern times, and how porn has yet to see a beauty as natural as Annette Haven.

Tonight on Playboy Radio: 800 Fantasy Lane (1979)

Tonight on Playboy Radio (7:40 Eastern, 4:40 Pacific), we’re talking about the 1979 movie, 800 Fantasy Lane, the first film from director Svetlana.

The movie feels like a bunch of different mainstream 80s “teenage tit movies” where a couple of normal guys pull off some sort of scam in order to see naked girls… and in this case, fuck them.

In our case, our heroes, Jamie Gillis and Bud Wise, are gas station attendants who read in the paper that there’s a real estate agency in Los Angeles who is hiring actresses as brokers and they are will to do anything — ANYTHING! — to close the deal.  So Jamie calls the number, posing as an oil magnate from Ohio (where all the American oil reserves are, of course!) who wants to buy a house.  They fly Bud and him out to the coast and take them around to see some properties.

But first, they go to the lodge where prospective clients are staying, and here, Jamie and Bud stumble upon two of the agents getting it on…

Scene 1 between Serena and Desiree Cousteau was notable for having some fisting in it — Desiree fists Serena — but that’s been cut in modern versions of the movie.. however, the g/g scene that remains is still pretty good, and is often interrupted by cutaways to Jamie and Bud over-reacting and mugging at their good fortune.

Lisa De Leeuw is a real estate agent who wants to ger her hooks into the new meat, so she sidles up to Jamie and blows him.  Scene 2 ends in a pretty modern way with Jamie cumming all over Lisa’s tits and chin and then scooping up all the semen he can and feeding it to her.

Not to be outdone,  Nancy Suiter and Aubrey Nichols take Jamie and Bud out to look at some properties.  However, Jamie has an idea and throws Bud out of the car, so he can have the two gals to himself.

So begins Scene 3, where Jamie is blown by Nancy and Aubrey.  The scene is marred a bit by constant cutaways to Jamie’s “I’m getting blown!” face, even tho I think most of us would rather see the girls actually blow him.  He’s finally interrupted as Bud who finally makes it to the house with information designed solely to cockblock Jamie’s tryst with Nancy and Aubrey.  Selling the oil magnate story a little heavily and mentioning something about the SEC, Bud pulls Jamie aside and then locks him in a room, allowing him to come back to finish the scene with the two lovelies, eventually cumming on Nancy’s tits and then fucking Aubrey while Nancy sits on his face and the two girls make out.

Then it starts to get weird… what was a nice little sex comedy takes a turn for the darker in Scene 4 when Jamie goes downstairs in the lodge to find a full S&M dungeon, with Serena and Hillary Summers tied together by the ankles in matching  in love swings while Chris Anderson acts as the dominatrix.  There’s quite a bit of screaming and the sound of a lot of slapping, tho we don’t really see the source of the slaps.   This scene’s more S&M-y elements are  another casualty of the editor’s delete key for the DVD release.

Jamie jumps into the action, eating Serena out and then holding a lighter to it… there’s a level of trust here that can only come from performers who are totally in tune with one another, and Jamie and Serena certainly were.  After making out with Serena a bit, Jamie throws himself between the two girls and alternates eating them out.  After a while Chris straps on a dildo and animalistically fucks Serena while she shrieks in what doesn’t really pass as ecstasy.  Jamie then whips his out, flips Hillary over in the swing and then   fucks her silly, eventually cumming on her and dumping her on the floor.  Then he turns his attention to Serena and fucks her, using the strap around her throat (or was it her throat?) as leverage.  None of this reads as particularly fun, but it is certainly a textbook example of domination and submission.

After his time with the swings, he finds his way over to Desiree Cousteau who is just lying down.  He eats and then fucks her while Chris fondles Desiree’s breasts.  He steps aside to let Chris take a turn with her strap on while Desiree blows him.  Finally, he goes back over to a still-crumpled-on-the-floor Hillary and cums on her from above, concluding her degradation.  (There is an odd cut here, so I suspect some other material hit the recycle bin as this was being re-mastered for DVD.  I have a VHS of this around somewhere, I think… but no time to do a proper comparison…)

Wow.  Heavy stuff.  Not for everyone, I suspect.

Bud comes back with the girls from the house showing just as Jamie emerges from the cellar.  They head out to the pool where Bud starts making out with Lisa’s tits and Jamie overhears a discussion between Allen Colberg and Chris Anderson where he says he wants to give her 500K of “undeclared income” for a deposit on the same house that Jamie and Bud are looking at.  He doesn’t want to lose the house to them, especially since no one really knows what oil interests they have. All the while, he’s got his tits in her hand as she’s bouncing up and down on his clothed lap.  Did I mention they’re both wearing Mickey Mouse ears and he’s whooping “Ride ’em Cowboy!” and like someone riding cowboy?  That little bit of non-sex hanky panky was Scene 5.

The next afternoon, a Friday, the boys are at the real estate office about to sign on the line that is dotted when Bud starts to panic, telling Jamie that they’re sure to be found out after the agents run a credit check.  Jamie says thru gritted teeth “Listen asshole, I know what I’m doing.  It’s 5:00 on the east coast, and they won’t find out anything until Monday.”  He then hands Chris the signed paper work and slips her the tongue before he leaves… Allen calls in and offers to make some calls about Jamie and Bud since they put in an offer and he has to get on his way on Saturday, so he’d like to know if the lost the house or not.

Bud goes to play tennis with Lisa DeLeeuw and two other girls (Debi Gunter and Wendy O. Williams (of the Plasmatics, with long flowing brown hair and zero tennis skills)  which gives us a lot of opportunities to see bouncing breasts in slow motion.  Lisa and Debi have particularly great racks.  Wendy shows her bush, and all three girls moon Bud.  At the end of the match Lisa lactates on Bud (in what I assume is a special effect, as we don’t see the nipple).

Jamie, meanwhile, is enjoying himself in a hot tub with just about everyone else in the movie.  (Scene 7) Meanwhile, Bud bangs Desiree and Scene 8 ends with Desiree blowing Bud until he shoots a sizable load all over her face.

Then the movie takes another stylistic left turn as everyone plays pool ad smokes pot, but Jamie starts hallucinating… for this, I’ll quote three reviews:

Roger Pipe of rogreviews.com says:

Here is where a straight forward script takes a turn that makes no fucking sense. Everyone is playing pool and smoking a little pot. The guys end up having these fucked up hallucinations that include an eight foot penis raining milk down on naked chicks and Gillis playing lion tamer in a sexual circus. He is in a cage with Serena, Lisa and Aubrey Nichols who all have on body make up to represent a pony, leopard and tiger respectively. Interesting role play I suppose and some decent sex, but the out of left field motivation for this scene (Like the dungeon bang) just makes no sense. Lisa looks good, but Aubrey manages to steal most of the sexual thunder in this odd, final scene.

Astronight over at Adult DVD Talk says:

The group frees the weed while playing pool during the next scene. This scene may not be one of the sexiest in the movie, but it’s definitely one of the most memorable and needs to be seen. This sequence alone is worth the rental price of the DVD. The camera work really helps out this scene. It has kind of a dizzy feel that adds to the dreamlike nature of much of the scene. Jamie has a dream in the scene where he’s in a cage as a lion tamer complete with whip with Serena, Lisa DeLeeuw, and another girl done up as a lion, cheetah, and a horse. Jamie makes his way through each of the women, taming them as he goes. It’s very sexy and shows a creativity that’s rarely seen in today’s porn.

Mongo over at RAME says:

Chris Anderson, Aubrey Nichols, Serena and Bud Wise: After smoking some weed, Jamie and Bud hallucinate. This must be really special stuff, as the boys have some pretty vivid visions. Bud imagines himself with a crude six foot long papier-mâché dick, ejaculating a fountain of skim milk while Chris, Aubrey and Serena dance around his maypole, bathing in his manly flow. A non-sex scene, but still hot, in a strange kind of way.

Jamie imagines himself an animal tamer in a circus, taming a tiger (Aubrey), a leopard (Chris) and a pony? (Serena). Jamie “tames” each of the girls in turn, and instead of the old stick your head in the lion’s mouth trick, he does the dick in the tiger’s mouth trick. Pretty cheap makeup on the girls, as it rubs off all over Jamie as the scene progresses. Still, they’re definitely trying. It’s a lot more interesting than anything you’ll see in American porn today. Jamie ends the scene by cumming on Serena’s face.

Finally, the plot wraps up with Jamie stealing the half a million from Allen (who can’t report it to the police since it’s “undeclared income”) and absconding with the girls too.  All’s well that ends well.

Other things we mentioned on the show:

Additional Web Resources:

Tonight On Playboy Radio: Santa Comes Twice (1984)

Tonight on Playboy Radio, in honor of the holiday season, we talked about Adam‘s 1984 video, Santa Comes Twice which has been re-released on DVD/VOD as Spreading Joy.  (There’s a lot of recent Christmas-themed porn, but not a lot in the era which I’m honor bound to talk about.)

For starters, the boxcover credits are a bit of a mess, with confusion between movies — there is a second movie called Babylon Nights aka “Spreading Joy” which stars Beverly BlissKaren Summer and Nick Niter (among others) and they’re not in this movie.  Also, some of the names on the boxcovers are AKAs for other named people (i.e. Christy and/or Krissi are AKAs for Roxanne Rolland and Mr. Louis is an aka for Short Stud).  So the boxcover is a little schizophrenic. :-)

The movie opens with a jazzy version of Santa Claus Is Coming To Town as we see still-shots of everyone in the movie.  The stills show their character names as a female narrator introduces their credit.

Santa, played by a beardless Michael Morrison (aka Uncle Milty, better known as director Milton Ingley) talks on a CB radio to the elves, angry for stepping in reindeer shit.   Mrs. Claus(a grey-hared Susan Hart) offers to help Santa relax, despite there being “so many things to do!”  and she starts to blow him.  They have sex in a couple positions which ends with Santa fucking her doggie style and then cumming inside Mrs. Claus, but we get no proof of this… so already, there’s some doubt if Santa actual comes twice… maybe that’s why they changed the name to Spreading Joy. :-)

From there, Mrs. Claus reads a letter from David, an 18 year old, All-American student who is hoping to have sex before he goes off to college.  Feeling  post-coitally benevolent, Santa sends his two best elves, Holly (Gina Valentino) and Vixen (Roxanne Rollan), off to service the lad.  He sends them via limo, driven by his right-hand elf, Pix (Luis De Jesus).

The girls are half-naked in the back of the limo, so of course, they fuck around a little bit until Pix pulls over to join in.  At this point, the film makes a stylistic change and becomes all sped-up and the sexual positions follow no logic or sequence.  Each of the girls have their way with Pix, and he with them — but the cuts are he’s fucking Vixen missonary and then it just cuts to Holly blowing him to him fucking Holly to Vixen jerking him off… it’s an odd scene which ends with Holly jerking him off until he cums quite a bit all over his belly.


The girls and pix then pull up to David’s (Tom Byron) house, and we see inside… David’s Dad (Paul Baressi) and Mom (Rikki Blake) are worried that Dick is pre-occupied on Christmas Eve.  He tells them not to worry, it’s easily solved… and he retires to his room to jerk off over a Cheri magazine, which leaves Mom and Dad to get busy.  (I assume Rikki is Tom’s STEP mom, since she’s maybe 2 years older than he is…) So as they bang, Holly and Vixen make their way into the house and watch for a little while, and right after Dad cums all over Mom’s ass, the elves make their way into David’s room.

Indulge me a quick moment to note how goddamned hot Rikki Blake is. Moving on…

The elves catch David jerking off and push him onto the bed.  He can’t believe his good fortune and puts a bow on his dick and asks them to suck it.  The two elves oblige in what is the best scene in the movie.  The two girls surround his cock which is just poking out of the fly of his jeans.  Each runs a tongue up the side of the cock, and their 80s hair just fills the frame and makes for a very nice picture.  Then the scene abruptly cuts to Dick naked, eating out Holly as she eats out Vixen.  Eventually, the girls end up on top of each other  (Holly on top, Vixen on the bottom) and he eats them both out while they make out with each other.  For a kid who never had sex before, he caught on quick!

As they fuck, we cut, somewhat inexplicably, to Mrs. Claus blowing Santa some more.  (I guess he has to come twice, after all…)

Then we cut back to David and the Elves when suddenly Mom and Dad — NAKED — storm in demanding “What are you doing?!”  This catches David off-guard, but Dad disarms the situation by hopping in bed with Mom and the elves.

(How this does not result in years of therapy for young David is a discussion for another day.)

The resulting orgy is a delight – lots of pussy eating — the girls service Mom while Dad jills Holly and David eats Vixen… then we’re back to Santa fucking Mrs. Claus doggie style, and she’s bucking like crazy… and back to the orgy… where DAVID IS FUCKING HIS MOTHER.  (Again, I will postulate, she’s his stepmother… but still… Rikki Blake is seriously hot.) No one mentions the incest.  (If you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family?)

Holly makes some awesome eye-contact with the camera while she’s blowing Dad.

Eventually Dad fucks Vixen and David fucks Holly while Mom takes care of herself. Then Dad and David switch places and they all line up on the bed.  David/Vixen going at it missionary, Mom in the middle playing with herself, and Dad and Holly going at it doggie style.  There’s a few more shots of the girls staring directly at the camera.  Finally, Dad and David shoot all over Mom’s tits.  David’s cumshot splashes her in the face, which she did not seem to be expecting, but she took it like a sport. Mom finishes by cleaning up the men in her life.

Then one more quick cut to Santa making his O Face as the movie fades out.

On the plus side — all the girls are really cute, if not downright hot.  They’ve got full bushes and they’re not afraid to have their pussies eaten.  So if that’s your thing, this is sure to please.  On the con side – Santa didn’t really come twice, if he even came at all… and the incest overtones which were just ignored also a little odd.

It’s an enjoyable enough movie of its time, but there’s likely some better modern Christmas porn out there.

Also from the era, John T. Bone‘s Merry X Miss starring Lois Ayres and Samantha Strong is equally forgettable… but in that one, Short Studd wears a grotesque nose.

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Devil in Miss Jones 3 (1986)

The AVN Award Nominations are due out tomorrow, so in honor of that, I thought we’d take a look at the movie which won the Best Film award 25 years ago, The Devil in Miss Jones 3, directed by Gregory Dark.  This movie is paired with DMJ4.  They were shot at the same time, but packaged as two separate title, killing two birds with one production — two tapes allowed for maximum revenue generation and it also avoided having to cut the movie so it would comfortably fit on one VHS tape.  (VHS tapes can hold 140 minutes, and the two halves of the movie add up to… 140 minutes; so there’s no room for leaders, phone sex ads, trailers, etc.)

There is so much to say about this movie, and I fear my busy schedule will not allow me to do it justice in the blog… and there are a few excellent reviews of the movie elsewhere that I really agree with, so it seems silly for me to re-hash their excellent work.

 

DMJ3 has little to nothing to do with the Damiano’s 1973 original or Pachard’s 1982 sequel (review).  It *does* concern a female protagonist named Justine Jones (Lois Ayres) who ends up in hell, but the similarities end there.  It’s a retelling of Dante’s Inferno with Jack Baker acting as Virgil, her guide through hell.

The plot is simple enough – Justine breaks up with her boyfriend Tom Byron (who is too busy shaving Jennifer Noxt‘s pubes) and goes out looking for love.  On her way to a singles bar, she runs into a pimp (Jack Baker) who wants her to work for him…

So she goes inside and meets Paul Thomas and they go back and fuck.  He’s taking her from behind and gives one final thrust before he cums (awesome slo-mo leading up to this) when the force of the thrust sends her into the wall where she cracks her head on the headboard and dies, ending up in hell.  It’s there that she meets Negro (also Jack Baker) her guide to hell… the only way out is through, so she is taken through a variety of rooms where the damned are forced to live out all eternity performing acts of perversion.

They start in the “Voyeur” room where people are forced to watch others have sex.  Justine runs into her college rooomate there (Kari Foxx, in a nonsex role) wearing a wedding dress, and they watch Careena Collins and Marc Wallice go at it, followed by Amber LynnMarc Wallice and Peter North.  Amber, as the announcer tells us, is doing the “Dance of the Double Dong” and she gets both guys in her baby hopper.

On their way to the next room, Ms. Jones gets shanghai’d by the Slutmen (Troy Tannier and Peter North) who double-team her, dropping a huge load on her face right before Negro rescues her from a life in hell — “If I wasn’t here, you’d have been fucked eternally, drowned in cum, and your pussy would have worn out, BITCH!” To which she replies, “I don’t know what came over me!  Even tho it started to hurt, it started to FEEL GOOD!” and as he drags her out towards the next room, someone catches his eye…

Another old friend of Justine’s, played by Vanessa del Rio, is getting gangbanged in the center of the room.  They trade some dialogue about how Justine’s not dead and how Vanessa felt that way when she first got there…

The gangbang is pretty raw, and in 1985, a pretty rare thing to see on the screen.

The movie ends there, forcing you to wait for DMJ 4 which was released a few months later.  When the film was released on DVD, it was packaged on a single disc with its sibling, so you can buy one DVD and get both movies.

Fun trivia: The Gleaming Spires (who had a minor radio — but massive soundtrack – hit “Are Ready for the Sex Girls”) provided the theme for the titles, A Christian Girl’s Problems.  This is the second time Greg Dark tapped the LA new wave scene for a theme song, having hit up The Plugz for “Electrify Me” which was the theme for most of the New Wave Hookers series.

I’ll leave you with the non-DMJ-themed music video  for “A Christian Girl’s Problem” by The Gleaming Spires:

Great Moments in Porn Dialogue: Pink Pussycat (1992)

I think there’s a great deal of truth hiding out in porn scripts, especially if Henri Pachard is involved.  Case in point, 1992’s The Pink Pussycat where Pachard basically plays himself and delivers a monologue about how to shoot porn to two couples: P.J. Sparxx and TT Boy are one couple and Cole Stevens and Carolyn Monroe (aka Candace Hart) are the other.

The scene starts with both couples sitting on a bed, and Pachard starts to rearrange them:

PACHARD:  OK, Yes, let’s go.  OK, we’re all set for this.  (To Carolyn/Cole) You guys on the bed, and (to TT Boy, motioning to the couch) you close to here…

PJ: No, no, no, no, no….

PACHARD: Yes, yes…

PJ: When can I have sex on the bed?!

PACHARD: Beds are for dying, baby!  Sit down right here.  (Yeah, this is going to play good from here.) Let me tell you something right now, young man and you too — I don’t care what your agent told you, you’re not here because of your good lookin’ blue eyes, you’re here for your known for your hard cocks. Now the key to a real dirty movie —  YOU PAYING ATTENTION? — the key to a  dirty movie – LISTEN  TO ME!–  is no romance!  It’s gotta be dirty!  You gotta be selfish! You gotta take — from your partner.  TAKE IT from your partner!  MAKE HIM do these things to you!

PJ: How come I always fuck on other things other than a bed?  When can I have normal sex on a bed?  You make me either sit on top of the roof, on top of the stairs, on the floor, on top of the desk…

PACHARD: You’re far too dynamic to be fucking on a, on a bed. I want you on the couch, with the black background, it symbolizes your midnight thoughts.

PJ (aside, pouting): I’m always on the couch…

PACHARD: Now you guys — (to PJ) Relax, you’re going to be great — (back to the group) Be selfish! Selfish sex pays.  It looks better for the movies. I don’t want to do the romance.  (Unintelligible mumbling)  I don’t want to do the romance stuff…

PJ (more pouting): I don’t do that anyway…

PACHARD: Take your sex!  Take it! USE these people! I don’t need to hear the corny lines “Oooh, it feels so good, it feels so good…” I don’t need to hear any of that…

CAROLYN: What are we supposed to say, “It feels shitty?”

PACHARD: Tell him what to do.  You want to sit on that man’s face, SIT RIGHT ON IT.  Fuck his nose if you have to.  I don’t care what you’re going to do.  (He mumbles to Cole something about buttfucking.)  Whatever it is, don’t be lazy.  This is going to be the mother of all sex scenes.  Passion, total passion!  You with me?  Quiet in the house!  Roll sound!  ACTION!

And then they get into it.

Back in 1994 (with annotations from 1995) Imperator had this to say about the movie:

Well, my pal’s busted video tape (see previous post for its other contents) had saved the best for last (sort of). “The Pink Pussycat”, starring Ashlyn GereP.J. SparxxTrixie TylerMelanie MooreFlamePeter NorthJonathan Morgan and other Fellas. Ah, the good old days when PJ did men! Anyway, this is a good solid production on film, at times brilliantly filmed (in terms of camera angles, not some sort of cheesy “erotic” effects a la Blake); there is unfortunately some waste of resources. Ashlyn begins with a hot scene with Peter North. Ashlyn is her usual delightful, vocal self; and though I don’t care much for facials, *this* one I could barely forget: Peter absolutely drenches her. I don’t know which category this falls under (“normal” or “monster” facial) but it’s damn impressive (“Kascha’s friends” sort of impressive ;-))After that we switch to PJ doing Jonathan and another Fella [6/1/1995: Peter says: “This is Zach Thomas (yes, Mr. Sunset Thomas the lucky bastard ;-)”]. She gets rimmed and does some of her cutest faces on the process. The threesome is however rather brief and therefore a trifle disappointing; a bit like her threesome in “Chameleons -not the sequel”. Anybody know a good, hard, long shag with PJ and two guys?

[Update 3/9/95: If you’re dying to see a good, hard shag with PJ and 2 fellas, check out “3 wives“, an otherwise ordinary rental]

From this slight misuse of resources we go to some blatant waste of the same. A bathtub frolicking with Flame and Trixie Tyler ends after only about a minute of the most promising overture. Flame does not reappear in the film. Now, I am not fanatical about Flame like old Steve, but she is undeniably a most charming creature to be wasted like that. Oh well.Then we go to the film’s crowning glory: Trixie Tyler and Tom Chapman: reverse cowgirl followed by the most superb of anals; fast, hard and LONG action. Amazing.

Ashlyn does Melanie Moore. Dunno why, but it didn’t do much for me. Probably it is overshadowed by the preceding masterpiece. Then T.T Boy (the group’s favourite ;-)) screws PJ (reverse cowgirl no less -woof!) while Carolyn Monroe takes it up the butt from Some Other Guy [6/1/1995: Peter once again comes to the rescue: “That’s Cole Stevens (her SO)”]. The camera work here is rather poor. Finally Ashlyn,  Tom Byron and Holly White (aka Rachel Mann according to the Dutch machine :-)) go about a 3some. Ashlyn is rimmed but unfortunately more time is wasted on filming Ashlyn fingering Tom, than showing the girls. Therefore I FF’ed through most of this scene.

The Imperial verdict: Good stuff, plentiful and raunchy. Some resources were not put to their best use but still, this is a superior film.

3.40

(Guide to the Imperial Scale of porn ratings…)