Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Stiff Competition

Tonight on Playboy Radio Debi and I discussed the Caballero Classic release, Stiff Competition.   There’s some question as when the movie was made — we list it as 1984 (its copyright date), AVN lists it as 1985 (US release date) and IMDB lists it as 1986.  (IMDB seems to consider its release date in Japan as its source.)

“If you can’t eat me, you can’t beat me!  Please excite me, just don’t bite me!”

The movie starts in San Francisco, where Tammy (Gina Carrera) is riding along with her much older sugar daddy, played by Nick Random. He has a surprise for her, a trip to an underground blowjob competition.  (Ah, simpler times when a blowjob competition was considered an acceptable place to take a date…)

After paying the cover at knifepoint, they work their way downstairs where they see Jeff (Kevin James) a cocksucking coach working the crowd, looking for action that “The Mouth” (Susan Hart) can get off some lucky stud (Michael Christopher) in 8 minutes. She rips his cock out, and starts going to town as Jeff shouts encouragement and tips (“That a way – good technique! That’s the way to work it, Mouth!”)

He shouts to the crows “What do you think folks?  Do you think she’ll do it?  I think she’ll do it!” but the crowd doesn’t believe him, and a sailor comforts his friend, assuring him that Mouth isn’t up to the job. Jeff hears this and starts to get impatient — “You better do this, Mouth!” — at which point she tells him to fuck off and she runs out.

Tammy doesn’t see what the big deal is and tells Jeff she’ll finish the job so he doesn’t lose his kneecaps.

The crowd is agitated at the staff change, but Jeff and Nick talk them down and let Tammy do her job which ends up with the guy jerking off on her neck prompting Jeff to yell “WE DID IT!” as he spins Tammy around and offers to buy her dinner.  Nick takes off with a wave… this doesn’t seem to be the first time he’s let his girlfriend go home with another man.

(Point of order, I think that would be a disqualification as the girl did not get the guy off, but he got himself off… but then I suppose there’d be no movie…)

Cut to NYC and The Mouth is calling Cynthia Silkthroat (Cyndee Summers) a retired competitor who is planning her comeback on the underground cocksucking syndicate. Cynthia, — Silky, to her friends — tells The Mouth to keep an eye on Jeff and his new find so as to not have her big return spoiled… since there’s a $50,000 purse at stake.

Afterwards, she tells her manager, Jake the Snake (John Leslie), the score.  He tells her not to worry and they should get back to business… OF FUCKING! ;-)

“How about I don’t fuck you; I just look at you and jerk off?”, Snake asks.

“No way”

So he mounts her and her hips buck to meet his.  They kiss as he talks his way through it, and then they shift to doggie and she thrusts her ass against his cock. They finish up spooning, and he pulls himself out and jerks off on her bush.  They kiss quite a bit afterwards as he tells her how much she drives him crazy with lust.

At dinner, Jeff tells Tammy about the competition – the “Super Bowl of Suck-Offs.”  Tammy dreams about the 50 grand — only to say “it’s not about the money” a short while later — and Jeff offers himself as a manager for a small percentage of the purse.  He explains the competition – there’s a big suck off in Las Vegas.  The East Coast champ, Silky Throat , retired, but everyone is worried about her making a comeback to get the prize.  Tammy is non-plussed.

He invites her back to his place to see his “Yellow Bellied South African Blowfish” which is code, apparently, for making with the sex.  As she strips, Jeff makes sure she knows she’s “one attractive lady.”  They never fuck, she blows him, he fucks her face for a little and then she jerks his sizable load all over her chin.  (Nice shot, Kevin!)

Dissolve to the breakfast nook with the sun streaming in, and Tammy is looking all kids of sexy, sitting on a chair in nothing but a T-Shirt.  (Among other attributes, Gina Carrera has awesome legs.)  Jeff proposes hitting a bunch of swinger’s clubs so she can practice on a bunch of different cocks.  They settle on a name – Tammy The Tongue.

What follows is a pretty funny training montage – she’s in front of an American flag, as he points to charts and graphs of penises.  She does tongue exercises.  He repeats mantras.  She works her way down a bunch of dildos on a piece of wood.  She’s in a swinger club taking on three guys as Jeff continues his coaching.  “Remember the head – you’ll be a winner! You want to be the best, you have to work the hardest!”  Interspersed are spinning headlines “The Tongue – IS TERRIFIC..!”

Jake throws a newspaper away and bitches “Next thing you know, she’ll be on the cover of Time magazine!” (Ah, the conceit that these events are big enough to merit nationwide interest always makes me laugh.  They take it to an extreme later as we cut around to various houses filled with all shapes, sizes and ages of people watching the competition on TV.)

Silky calls Don Head in Vegas (a thin Ron Jeremy with Don King afro) to enter the competition and tells her that he sold the rights to the title bout and it’ll be carried on cable TV.  He tells her only two women have qualified so far, Linda Lonestar from Texas (Bridgette Monet) and Tammy.  (All the whole, Don is being blown by his secretary (Misty Regan) under the desk.)

What I find interesting is the willingness to not have a full sex scene.  Just a quick shot of the girl blowing Ron is enough.  It’s blowjob as sight gag; not as sexual device.

Next up, we’re in Beaver Creek, Texas and Linda Lonestar (Bridgette Monet) is doing some barbell curls and already spending the 50 grand, telling her husband (David Cannon) to hire a limo to take them to the airport instead of using a rental car.  Shortly, they get down to business on the weight bench, and she starts sucking his cock.  She deep throats him completely, the first time we see this feat in the movie.  He buggers her and then cums on her ass.  (There’s been some question if this was a stunt butt or not.  I think it’s inconclusive…)

Cut to a swinger’s party and there’s some coupling going on – Kristara Barrington is astride an amazingly young Peter NorthCynthia Brooks is being eaten by Craig Roberts – but it gets interuppted by Tammy and Jeff’s entrance.  Everyone uncouples and crowds around them.  Wayne (Herschel Savage — how young!!) swaggers in with Patti Cakes (Patty Plenty) in tow and talks some smack… so it’s a BLOW-OFF!  First one to make their man cum WINS!  (Seems to me you need less of a great cocksucking skills and more of a premature ejaculation problem to win this bet.)

Tammy sucks Jeff and Patti sucks Wayne.  There’s a ton of people cheering them on, including Jake and Silky who are getting their first glimpse of Tammy.  Before we get a winner crowned, we get Fellatio Interruptus as the host bursts in yelling that “This is a pleasure party, not a business party!  Now, get outta here!” and throws the competitors out as the rest of the guests go back to getting their freak on.

Swedish Erotica magazine sends Kitten Natividad over to cover Tammy’s training and take some photos, and you can’t have one naked girl without it becoming two naked girls, so it’s not long before Kitten releases her most famous attribute and dives in for some light pussy eating and nipple fucking. Not really a great scene.

Wayne and Patti show up in Vegas to see Don, and discuss the appearance of impropriety since Don has a contract with Silk – so how can anyone else win? So Wayne tries to grease the wheels and help with Don’s alimony with five grand, and when that doesn’t work, after much protesting of how it appears having Wayne and Patti in the office – Don lets his dick get sucked while Wayne fucks her from behind.  After a bit, they switch spots (tho Don/Ron takes her ass) and Wayne cums on her face as Don cums on her butt.

Tammy finds herself hanging around with Jake — tho she does not know who he is, or that he set her up to see Jeff and Silky rekindle their old flame… she has Jake take her home.  Jake mentions that he can help Tammy win by fixing the contest.  He takes off his ring and talks her out of  her sweater.  (“Do you feel sexy?  You look sexy…”) There’s some good sexy talk from Jake as he gets the scene started.  There’s some breast play as Jake says “I’m gonna jerk off to you.” The dirty talk continues as he taunts her by not fucking her. Eventually, naturally, they *do* fuck, but he stops and just jerks off some more, eventually cumming on her skirt. A smoldering scene.

Finally – we’re at the contest. This was shot in a real boxing arena, and the place seemed to have a lot of people in it; sure some of it was movie magic, but there were still a whole bunch of people there.

 

Paul Thomas is doing a servicable Howard Cosell impression. Next to him are some Japanese announcers, with others down the ringside table. Don Head is the ring MC, and we get some interesting shots of the arena – overhead, low shots up the steps as Linda Lonestar enters… they’ve captured the wrestling vibe very well — outlandish costumes, characters…

As the contestants are being introduced, we cut around to various people watching the match on TV at home or in bars.  That’s a lot of second unit insert work that someone had to shoot.

ROUND ONE: Tammy takes on Tom Byron and Linda takes on Steve Drake.

The crowd has signed “Tammy is on the HEAD of my list…”

What Gina lacks in deep throating skills (she has none), she makes up for with tongue work.

PT’s dialogue is overwrought in the best Cosell-ian fashion: “Tammy the Tongue has literally swallowed the nation’s imagination with her titillating tongue techniques. It’s rumored she was a trumpet player in high school and there learned to use her tongue in such a fascinating fashion and that’s what she uses to get these men off.  Her tongue is moving at an incredible 100 miles per hour…”

Hey, it’s Jack Baker in the crowd!

Linda’s stud isn’t getting hard at all, so her manager tags him out and starts fucking her face vigorously.  Bridgette is a better cocksucker than Gina, and it’s no surprise she gets her manager off before Tammy gets off Tom Byron.  (Tommy wears a bemused expression throughout.)  However, it’s the story not the performance that makes her lose the round on a rules violation.  (The rules — page 6, section 9 — state that for the purposes of competition, the sucker and the suckee cannot know one another. )

Her manager wails “How we gonna pay for that limousine now?!?”

They also cut to the TV truck where they’re shooting the match for cable TV.   I’m really impressed with the level of non-sex production put into this movie.

Cut to a packed bar where barflys argue stats:

BARFLY1: I’m telling you, the world record is 7 minutes, 23 seconds…

BARFLY 2: Indoor or Outdoor?

BARFLY1: What’s the difference?

BARFLY2: Wind resistance.

At this point, there’s a sad trombone kind of music drop.  This is a bit of a motif that runs through a lot of these 80s comedies – the director almost groans at his own joke with a music cue.  Pachard did it in Sexcapades and in Great Sexpectations.. it’s almost they don’t trust their own script.  A minor stylistic nitpick.

But the fact that the scene exists at all is extraordinary to me, since it does nothing but provide color.  There’s nothing sexy; these aren’t hunky guys or anything… it’s just a scene that the movie needed and Vatelli wasn’t afraid to shoot.

The crowd starts to go wild (and we see all the empty seats above them) when Cynthia Silkthroat enters the arena.  We cut back to the bar:

BARFLY 1: I saw this Silkthroat bitch at the ’83 Tampa Suck-Off. She’s the rat’s ass.

BARFLY 2: Your wife blows better than she does.  She’s finished.

BARFLY 1: What?   How would you know how my wife blows?

Ba-dum-bum.

ROUND TWO: Silky and Patti go up against one another; Patti blows Tom Byron (he didn’t finish the first time) and …

I’ll leave the rest of the contest for you to discover.  You can bet along with the barflies… tho I will say Tammy got a faceful of Peter North :-)

However, stick around thru the credits since there are bloopers, Cannonball Run style.

The closing credits conflict with the opening credits in that the opening credits list 1984 as the copyright date, but the closing credits say 1985, so somewhere in there is the truth. (Maybe they started th emovie in 1984 and ended in 1985.) :-)

Well, the oddest thing about this movie is how weak the stars are in the oral department as compared to others stars of the day.  Tho most their review was very positive, AVN had this to say:

“… for a film about a blowjob championship, none of the three major stars – Gina, Cyndee and Bridgette – had the skill of a Little Oral Annie or a Marilyn Chambers. Summers should’ve won but Gina Carrera was the director’s girlfriend.”

… and it’s hard to dispute that.  (The movie acknowledges this by giving Don a snippet of dialog saying that Little Oral Annie was beaten in an earlier round; there’s a newspaper prop even.)  More trivia: Paul Vatelli directed LOA’s seminal ball-draining scene in I Like To Watch.

Of the three, Gina was the weakest, tho her tongue was very active.  Bridgette could certainly swallow Dave’s dick with aplomb, but she did have quite a lot of practice with it. :-)

The best scene for me was the Gina Carrera / John Leslie more for what wasn’t done than what was.  It’s a good tease scene and John brings the charm.

Paul Vatelli died in 1986 of AIDS related pneumonia.

I was hoping to briefly revisit Dick Howard‘s post-performer career — he is quite a bit more than just a “utility player” as I characterized him, and he deserves his due — but we didn’t have the time.  To state for the record, he’s best known and most influential for his work in the adult press.  As Jeremy Stone, he served as editor of Adam Film World and as Tim Connelly, he served as editor of AVN. He was also married to Kelly Nichols,  Kimberly Carson and then later to Christy Canyon. They all ended in divorce.  In his words, “I’ve learned after being married to three porn stars that I’m really good at getting married, but I’m just not good at staying married.”

His history, in his own words, from a circa 2004 interview:

I’ve been in the business going on twenty-eight years now. I started out primarily as a performer back in New York. I’m a rock and roll drummer, and I started teaching a punk rock band’s girl drummer how to play drums, and it turned out that she wasn’t very good at playing the drums, but she was a great stripper and porn star, named  Helen Madigan, and we started a relationship.

When I got back to New York, I needed money, and I had a chance to perform with Helen, so we did that. I had a great time, and I did well, I guess, because they asked me if I wanted to continue doing it when I needed money, and I did. I also started doing live sex shows. Being someone who was a writer as well as a drummer, I started writing about my experiences. Pretty soon I found myself writing for High Society Magazine, for Swank; I ghost wrote columns for porn stars.

Then I evolved into a relationship with Kelly Nichols, who became my first of three porn star wives. The entire time I continued to play drums, and write for adult magazines about my experiences. I also started reviewing movies for Adam Film World – I used the pseudonym Jeremy Stone, because back then, in the early eighties it wasn’t necessarily a good idea to use your real name if you wanted to have a career in the music industry. So I pursued that, and continued to play drums, and whenever I needed money, I would go and do an adult film.

[Performing] was something I just found myself enjoying all the time, so when I moved out to California to play in a band, I continued to perform in movies, and I ended up with Kimberly Carson – who is the mother of my daughter, [my daughter] is now 18 – and [Kimberly] got pregnant, and wanted to get out of the business, and so did I.

At that point I was the editor of Adam Film World; I had already started doing the directory of adult films, as well as syndicating my writing into the foreign market, and I was freelancing for Adult Video News. Paul [Fishbein] had always talked about wanting to have me come over and work with him, but we just had to get the right thing going at the right time. It had to be the right money, the right agreement, the right relationship, and that took a while. We did the dance with each other for about seven years, and we continued to try and work together, and then finally about two years ago, we put it together and it happened. Since then, I’ve been over here as publisher.

(These quotes came from an interview he did with sexherald.com — “Twenty-Eight Years in the Industry – AVN Publisher Tim Connelly Loves the Job ” — but Google is currently reporting that the site is currently adware infected, so I won’t link there.  I had to use a minor bit of wget voodoo to get past Google’s blocking of the site. :-)

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Great Sexpectations (1984)

Tonight, we’ll be discussing Henri Pachard’s followup to Sexcapades; the continuing saga of Harry Crocker — Great Sexpectations.

We’ll be on Playboy Radio’s NightCalls on SiriusXM 102 at around 7:40 Eastern / 4:40 Pacific to talk to Debi and Nicki about this Golden Age comedy.

I found it a bit odd that a generic model who wasn’t in the movie was so prominently featured on the original movie poster, considering that you had some very big, photogenic star to choose from in Kelly Nichols… or Joanna Storm, even. VCA rectified this on their VHS and DVD releases which did feature Kelly Nichols.

So, we meet up with Harry Crocker (Eric Edwards) as he awakens from a nightmare along side Ariel (Renee Summers – she and Eric were a real life couple) and Yvonne (Joanna Storm). You may remember Yvonne as the girl who awkwardly auditioned for Harry in Sexcapades; and she has been promised the lead in Harry’s next film… as has Ariel. Awwwkwaaard!

Happily, Harry is saved by the bell — the phone rings and it’s Louis Charger, some big time movie guy that Harry seems impressed by and shocked that a guy like Louis would be calling Harry.  In the meantime, Ariel sulks off and runs a bath.    Yvonne asks her why she’s sulking, and she brings up the “promised me the lead” situation and Harry admits to them both that he lied — neither of them could get the lead in the movie because there is no movie.  No script, no nothing.  He’s down.

“Harry, you’re the best.  Some people think you’re the second best, but I think you’re the best.”

The pity party continues and the girls try to lift his spirits by fucking him in the tub.  He makes out with Yvonne while Ariel sucks him off, then Yvonne moves around to Ariel’s lady bits and plays with her.  Then she leans over Ariel’s back and starts sharing Harry’s cock.  It’s a pretty cool position, and they don’t let it overstay its welcome.  Yvonne ostensibly slides a finger up Harry’s ass (we don’t see it) while he’s fucking Ariel, and also does the reach around so she’s stroking his cock as he’s plowing into Ariel.  The scene ends with Harry’s cock sliding out of Ariel and Yvonne stroking him off through his legs until he cums on Ariel’s bush.  Such a nice diversion from today’s Viagra forced self-pumping.

As Harry’s dressing for his meeting with Louis Charger, Harry says he’ll try to get the girls jobs on the film, but they may have to settle for being fluffers.  Yvonne says she would want to be Harry’s fluffer, and he explains he’d never be in the movies he makes, “because of his ex-wife.”  I assume his ex-wife does not come up in conversation with Yvonne and Ariel since they both seem surprised to find out he’s been married.  He explains that she didn’t want him to do movies in the first place, and if he had sex on film, it would hurt her very much, so he won’t.  They seem surprised that he still cares enough about his ex-wife to govern his behviour in such a way, and he declares “I WILL NOT FUCK ON FILM.”

(It is not giving anything away if I comment “Sure you won’t, Harry…”)

We cut to Louis Charger  (R. Bolla) who is grilling Frankie, potential stud (Jerry Butler), while Charger’s wife, Gloria (Honey Wilder), looks on, filing her nails.

CHARGER: I want you to get up, drop your pants, and let’s see what you’re made of.

FRANKIE: You want me to take my pants off  here?  In front of your wife?

CHARGER: You want to be a superstud actor, right?  Well, can you fuck on film? Because everyone in my films fucks.  You need to get it up, get it in, get it on and get it off.  Got it? Ever hear of Harry Crocker?”

R. Bolla is awesome here.  All fast talking.

Honey suggests the stud fuck her.  Jerry is taken aback, but Charger says it’s business and he should not feel odd fucking his wife.  Charger says he wants to test the stud’s endurance so he gives Gloria the direction “I want you to stick your finger up his ass, and when he’s about to cum, squeeze the back!”

Jerry’s ass is saved by the bell, as Harry shows up for the meeting.  Gloria is upset by this, because she doesn’t want to perform in front of Harry.  “I won’t have Harry Crocker watch while I give this guy a blowjob! Stop trying to humiliate me!” she yells.  “Fine, take him in the other room to finish him off!”

They retreat to the bedroom and she blows him while still complaining about the nerve of her husband wanting Harry to watch.

As Harry and Charger talk about a script Charger has and the cast he has lined up (“Marilyn Camp! John Leslie!”) he can’t help but over hear Frankie and Gloria going at it in the next room.  Charger blows it off by saying “It’s business.  My wife tries out all my studs.”

(Kelly Nichols plays Marilyn Camp and John Leslie plays John Leslie. Why only one of them got to play themselves is unknown.)

Cut back to Gloria and Frankie, and he’s fucking her doggie style and Honey Wilder‘s ass is just the most glorious thing bouncing around back and forth while she explains that her husband is waiting for them to finish.

Harry lets us in that this is Charger’s first time producing a porno film with an excellent line – “You don’t have to have your wife fuck the talent so you can feel like you belong to the club.

Charger goes in to check on Gloria and Frankie.

CHARGER: “How’s he doing darling?”

GLORIA: “He’s really good, honey!”

CHARGER: “I want Harry to see this.”

GLORIA: (makes a face, then relents) “Oh, Okay…”

CHARGER: “Harry!  I want you to see this kid’s strokes.”

They have a fun little scene making pleasant introductions and shaking hands while Gloria and Frankie continue fucking.  Finally Frankie pulls out and shoots all over Gloria’s ass “just like in the movies.”

Harry is blown away by this.  This is not something any of his wives would ever go for, and he’s incredulous.

HARRY: Mr. Charger…. um… (laughs)… How… how… how can you allow  this to happen to your wife, I mean, in front of you like this?

CHARGER: Listen. You know your job and I know my job.  Right? You want to know if a person can ACT on film.  I want to know if he can FUCK.  If this kid can fuck MY WIFE while I’m standing here watching him… he can fuck on film!

Harry chuckles as he leaves and Charger stops nuzzling with his wife to yell after him, “Hey Crocker, don’t forget!  We start in three weeks!”

So, Marilyn’s bodyguards (!!!) show up (“This is a lady who knows how to work the press!” Charger boasts) followed a drum roll and then Marilyn enters. She does the kiss both cheeks and starts to lay out her demands. Charger folds like a card table and agrees to everything to keep his star happy, while Harry looks on unimpressed and put out that she is turning out as difficult as her reputation suggested.

Her first meeting with Harry is a bit sticky…

CHARGER:  Marilyn, this is Harry Crocker. Uh, Harry’s going to be working with us on the film, to keep the picture moving … uh … for you! … you know, sort of, like, …. directing… the people around you!  Typing up your script changes… right Harry?

MARILYN: So you’re Harry Crocker. I hear you’re a very demanding director.

CHARGER: Oh no no no, he’s not! He’s very nice, really.

MARILYN: I also hear he’s very good with new talent.

CHARGER: Oh yes, he’ll keep the kids from getting in your way, right Harry?

HARRY: I hear you’re a real pain in the ass, Marilyn; and that you refuse to learn your dialogue and that you require that you will only shoot your sex scenes in the afternoon. And that beneath that beautiful body of yours is a frightened child — a child trapped in the body of an adult… but I don’t believe that; I’ve seen your work.  So, I’ll tell you what.  We won’t change one fucking word in the script.

ZING!

Deidre Drumm (Carol Cross), a reporter from New Lust Magazine, calls Charger and puts him on the spot.

DRUMM: Sitting in front of my desk, I have a Mrs. Exeter and her daughter Frances…

CHARGER: Her daughter?

DRUMM: Yes. Is it true you’re auditioning mrs. execters daughter for a role in your new X-Rated film?

CHARGER: Why do you ask?

DRUMM: Because if it is true, it’s news for the x-rated industry and can be publicity for your new film.

CHARGER: Publicity! Oh! Of course!

So, Mrs. Exeter (Chelsea Blake) is the worst kind of stage mom, selling out her daughter Frances (the yummy Tanya Lawson) who doesn’t seem all that interested in doing dirty movies, but she’s even less interested in disappointing Mom.  Harry enters Drumm’s office and Mrs. Exeter immediately starts pimping her daughter.  (“See how we trimmed her pubic hairs?  Isn’t that cute?”)  Harry explains the need for explicit sex to be in his movie and drops the name “Chuck Weston” which makes Harry uncomfortable. (I’m assuming the name is an in-joke on Anthony Spinelli aka Sam Weston who was often mentioned in the same breath as Pachard while discussing “important directors of the 80s”)

Cut to Mrs. Exeter selling Mrs. Charger on the idea of Frances being in the movie. Smash cut to Frances panty-clad ass in the air while she blows Mr. Charger.  She doesn’t seem particularly experienced, only putting the head in her mouth.  Charger asks if she’d be interested in coming up on the bed to lie down while she sucks him off, giving him an opportunity to “finger her pussy a little; would you like that?  Would you like to find out if you’d like that? Wouldn’t you like to make your mother very proud?”  They fuck, and the scene ends with him cumming in her mouth.  As she cleans him up, he grins “You are definitely going to have a part in my movie… but I think you should think about doing anal.’

Harry’s speaking with Mrs. Exeter and she is discussing her daughter’s “star power.”  Harry gets to the point and asks “I didn’t ask you about her star potential, I asked you if she enjoys what she’s doing? Before she can answer, Charger busts in and pulls Mrs. Exeter away to offer her daughter the part, provided she consider doing some anal.

We’re back on set and George Payne is reprising his role as porn stud Alex, and he’s fucking Yvonne who is dressed as a nurse.  Harry’s directing, the crew are wearing Sexcapades T-Shirts, and Joanna Storm is mugging up a storm.  While their scene is going on, Mrs. Charger (dressed in black) takes Frances (dressed in white) out to the boiler room and they start going at it, while standing.  Alex and Yvonne stay in the missionary position the whole time and their scene ends with a cumshot to the chest with some post-cum head to clean up.

Harry downs a few shots of vodka then approaches Marilyn, puts his hand on her breast and says she should come over his house later so he can “inspect her underwear” and if they run out of food, they could always “eat each other.”  Silver Star looks on before taking her place on some futuristic set, sucking Dick Howard’s cock while some Star Trek-ish theremin music plays on the soundtrack.

We hear Pachard’s voice on the soundtrack yelling “More fog!  More fog!”

Dick and Silver flip over into doggie and she shows off her nice little handfuls and Dick pulls out and cums on her ass as the music on the soundtrack spins down.  The crew looks for Harry to see if everything’s OK, but he’s in the bathroom having drops put in his eyes by Yvonne.  Harry returns to set and Charger says that he’s going to give Frances the part, but Harry protests saying it’s an anal scene; the scene ends with Mrs. Exeter yelling “My daughter is going to be a very big star!

(The thought that an anal scene is being treated as some sort of dramatic plot device in Harry’s movie is amusing.)

Cut to Harry’s apartment and Drumm is sucking him off, but he’s not really into it until she suggests he cum in her mouth.  Harry asks her to grab more vodka.  This whole “Frances Does Anal” situation is not sitting well with him, and he’s drinking quite a bit now.  He directs Drumm’s cocksucking with lots of dirty talking.  After some doggie style fucking, he pulls out and jerks off over her tits.

“John Leslie is a big drill,” one of the PAs says, before going on to explain a drill is a “box office draw”.  Harry mentions his films are big box office, does that make him a drill?  The PA says “Only if you fuck on film, Harry.” Since that’s not going to happen, he has only one reply: “Oh, forget it.”

John Leslie, clad in tan scarf and sweater, sheepishly comes over and introduces himself to Harry.  It’s a funny bit of dialogue.

JL: Hi, John Leslie. You Harry Crocker?

HC: Yes.

JL: Nice to meet you.  I heard a lot about your films.  I hear they’re very good.

HC: Thanks, John.  It’s nice to see you again, John. Have you seen any of my pictures?

JL: No, no.  I hardly have time to see my own.  No offense.

HC: I’ve seen a couple of yours…  the ones that Chuck Weston did.

JL: Oh yeah, you know, he’s the best.

HC: That right?

John saunters over to see Marilyn and they have a real nice reunion, lots of warmth and old jokes between them.  Marilyn walks over to Harry and says that she’s going to do it her way, “sexual improvisation.”  They argue about Harry’s domain over the movie, and she storms off saying that “we’re the ones fucking our brains out in front of the camera.”

This is an ongoing motif, the notion that those who don’t fuck on screen are less than those that do.

They roll into the scene and Marilyn and John talk a lot during their scene.  A lot of this is more porno for the mind than the groin.  She rubs his cock thru his pants, and he shoves his fingers into her mouth, telling her to suck on them.  SO much talking.  Which means interaction.  Not robo-fucking.  That lines like “You make me feel so beautiful” can be followed by “Bury your fingers in my cunt” and not feel out of place is a testament to how good Leslie and Nichols are (and Pachard, by extension, since he allows his atmosphere to be fostered.)  He mounts her, he pulls out and jerks off on her chin.

Harry gives the scene a slow clap (!!!) and the crew joins in.

Afterwards, Harry is walking Marilyn out to her car and she asks him how it felt to give up control.  He says how does she know he gave anything up? He then asks her back to his apartment for dinner if she’s hungry.  “I just fucked my brains out in front of the camera, and you ask me if  I’m hungry?”

At the apartment, Harry mentions that Charger wants her to do one more sex scene, but he doesn’t want her to:

HARRY: I don’t want to direct you anymore in a sex scene – or rather I should  say “witness” sex scene, since you want to direct yourself.

MARILYN: What’s wrong, Harry.  Insecure when you can’t direct?

HARRY: No, it’s not that it.  It’s because I love you.

MARILYN: What, Harry?

HARRY: I’m falling in love with you, I can’t help it; and I don’t want to be on the set while you’re fucking other guys.

MARILYN: I’ll be damned.  Harry Crocker!  You been drinking Harry? (She pours more wine)  How can you love me?  I’m a porn star?

HARRY: What makes you think that you can’t be loved? I just told you I loved you, and I haven’t even gotten into your pants yet.  I haven’t even kissed you yet.

MARILYN: Want a kiss Harry?  Want your cock sucked Harry? Better yet, you want me to suck your asshole while another girl sucks your cock?  Or better yet, you want to fuck me in the ass?  Do you still love me?!! Cum on my tits?!

Saved by the doorbell.

Mrs. Exeter shows up, but Marilyn is on a tear.  She’s pissed.  Pissed at Harry and she’s going to take it out on the deplorable Mrs. Exeter.

“It’s about your daughter, right?  Come in Evelyn!” yells Marilyn.  “How are you going to do it Mrs. Exeter?  Fuck him? Suck him?  Relax, we’re all porno people here.  You really want your daughter fucked in the ass, Mrs. Exeter?”

EXETER: My daughter will be a star!

MARILYN: Have YOU ever been fucked in the ass, Mrs. Exeter?  Have YOU ever eaten pussy, Mrs. Exeter?

EXETER: I wans’t born yesterday.  I have had some experiences.

MARILYN: Get undressed Mrs. Exeter.  Don’t be shy.  Watch her, Harry.

And the humiliation begins.  Marilyn begins to undress.

EXETER: You want me to go down on you.

MARILYN: I want you to go down on Harry.  Suck his cock.  then I’ll have you suck my pussy.  It’s a wonderful industry, isn’t it?

It is so clear that maybe it is not.

MARILYN: SUCK HIS COCK. Oh, Harry look!  She’s playing with her pussy!  She likes it!

The scene continues with Harry powerfully thrusting into Mrs. Exeter while Marilyn jills herself.

MARILYN: She loves humilation, don’t you, Mrs. Exeter!

Marilyn makes Harry fuck Mrs. Exeter from behind while she gets her pussy eaten, berating Mrs. Exeter the whole time.  She makes Harry fuck Mrs. Exeter’s ass, and Harry looks right into Marilyn’s eyes as he does.  It’s pretty intense stuff.  He pulls out and cums on her ass as Marilyn pushes Mrs. Exeter away.

How could you know about me?

You want your daughter to be some super porno star, like me.

Did you cum when I licked your cunt?

Not really.  It’s not my scene.

She pours Harry and Mrs. Exeter some vodka as they all sit around, not looking at each other, panting.  Harry hands his glass to Mrs. Exeter and she downs it in one gulp.  He grabs his pants and looks at himself in the mirror, then at the vodka bottle in his hand, then the walks to the sink, empties the bottle into it and pulls on his pants as the surveys the wreckage of the women in his living room.  He states to Marilyn, “I am not directing you in any more sex scenes.”

Harry bounds back onto the set saying they’re “going to shoot film like crap thru a goose.”

Harry runs into meets with Charger who promises Frances will deliver the hottest ass-fucking scene he’s ever filmed.  “Wrong.  I’m not going to use her. ” He walks over to Frances and asks if she wants to do it.  She answers, simply, “no.”  Harry says “there you go..”  Charger is astonished Harry would embarrass the girl in front of her mother like that, to which Harry replies “She’ll have to get used to getting it up front, right?”

Mrs. Exeter comes over and tells Harry, “In spite of your business, Harry; and in spite of what you think of yourself deep down, you’re really a good man.  And in the same light, no matter what I appear to be, I’m not really a bad woman. Thank you, for protecting my daughter.”

After Harry puts the kibosh on using Marilyn in Frances’ place, Charger yells “Harry!  Rewrite the scene!  What do you think this is, art?!”

John Leslie comes up dressed as a Sheik and Harry looks at him and says “I have a problem,  and there’s only one way to solve it.”

Cut to Yvonne fluffing the Sheik’s cock (literally a 15 second scene), and we pan up to reveal the Sheik is (spoiler alert!) Harry.

Harry walks onto set to the applause of the crew.  He announces:

HARRY: Standby to roll sound… OK, let’s start off with the usual, 69 and some head…

MARILYN: Harry, relax.  Stop directing, OK?

HARRY: I love you.

MARILYN: You don’t have to fuck me in public to prove it.

HARRY: Yes I do.

MARILYN: I suppose you’re going to suck my pussy with all these people watching?

HARRY: Who’s directing this?  You or me?

She kisses him.

MARILYN: I hear you’re the best… or the second best director in the business.

HARRY: You’re right.  It’s only a movie.  Roll the sound!

They kiss some more.

MARILYN: Harry… say action.

HARRY: Ah. Action!

He removes the turban and glasses, a typical 80s romantic movie music theme plays and they perform a bit of foreplay on each other before a single-position missionary fuck.  She jerks him off all over her tits.

“And cut.”

In the end, this is a movie about being out of love – out of love with your job, out of love with the dissolution of your marriage – and finding a new connection and a way to get back into love. It’s a pretty brave subject for porn, and while it may require a slightly forgiving eye in these modern days, a lot of 80s cinema does. It’s tough to watch some of the Chevy Chase / Goldie Hawn movies from that era without feeling that they, too, were so much a product of their times.

There’s not a lot of self-reflection in modern porn — maybe not in modern society, so these “grown up” movies feel like something for people a little older than the Barely Legal folk on both sides of the gender aisle that so much of today’s porn seems aimed at. (Am I turning into an old man with my railing on things modern?)

Back on the radio show, we talked about some of the supporting players in the movie, Dick Howard (good utility guy) and Silver Starr (bit player, very short career).  We also touched on our oldest movie in the database, which is a 14 minute loop from 1951 called “Smart Alec” starring Candy Barr.

Thanks for all your support these past weeks, and I look forward to continuing. Please use our comments section to let us know what you think, or offer us some suggestions for upcoming segments.

[UPDATE: 04-10-13: Dick Howard is better known as Jeremy Stone/Tim Connelly, publisher of Adam Film World and ex-husband of Christy Canyon.]

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Sexcapades (1983)

Tonight on Playboy Radio’s Night Calls, Nicki Hunter and Debi Diamond and I (briefly) discussed Henri Pachard’s 1983 comedy, Sexcapades.  (An ass slapping contest ran long, so our segment was cut a bit short.)

Eric Edwards plays Harry Crocker, an ex-porn director turned documentary filmmaker who has to return to porn to help himself out of his financial woes.  He’s married to Sharon Mitchell (who won the AVN Award for Best Actress for her performance) who is not a fan of his porno past or the possibilities of what will happen when Harry re-enters the scene.

The movie opens with Yvonne (Joanna Storm) and Billy (Alan Adrian) auditioning for Harry and the head of the studio (and his ex-wife), Lorraine, played by Lee Carroll.  The couple try gamely to show off their sexual skills, but the scene is mostly played for some laughs as Harry looks on disinterestedly.  Joanna demonstrates a variety of positions — blowjob (“See how I hold the base of his cock?  It’ll now stay hard for as long as I want.“), to rimming with a reach-around, to cowgirl with a break for Joanna to put some socks under her knees to “prevent rug burn.”  Alan is ready to pop, but Joanna still has more tricks she wants to show off, but she has to make do with letting him flop out of her and then jerking him off.

The movie was shot in New York, so we’re treated to some exteriors and shots of NYC traffic.

Harry goes home and breaks the news to his wife Miriam (Sharon Mitchell) that not only is he going back into porn, it’s because they’re broke; and not only are they broke, they have to shoot the movie in their house.  In their bed.  To which Miriam responds “Not on our good sheets, OK?  They’re not to use our towels either… and the maid is not to see any of this filth…”

As they lay in bed, Pachard gives us some awesome porno dialog, winking the whole time:

HARRY: Come on spread your legs.

MIRIAM: Why?

HARRY: Because my cock is hard and swollen.

MIRIAM: Don’t speak like that!

HARRY: Like what?

MIRIAM: Like that dirty porno language.

HARRY: (with a tease in his voice): My manhood is standing proud, with a desire to plunge into your heavenly secrets; my little rooster is ready to cock-a-doodle-doo! My soldier is standing at attention with a desire to… to…

MIRIAM: To what?

HARRY: TO SUCK YOUR PUSSY!

MIRIAM: Don’t wake the maid!

And then they go at it; with her slapping his hands away when he tries to finger her, and he just does a take to the camera that is just Jack Benny perfect.  (Is Jack Benny too old a reference?)

After a bit of rug-munching, Miriam says “OK, come on…” and he mounts his good lady wife in the missionary position, like a dutiful husband.

After a bit he rolls off and implores her, “Come on, sit on top of it.” and she says “You know I can’t” and he gets her up there and he says “So, now fuck me!” and she asks plainly “Can’t we just make love?”  So he says “I love you, now FUCK ME.” and she gets into it, grabbing the headboard and giving herself over to it, until he tries to put a finger in her ass – “What are you doing?  Get out of THERE!” and he pulls out and cums on her ass.  “Harry?  Why did you take it out?”

“I don’t know.”

This is an excellent example of sex scene servicing character.  His needs are changing and hers aren’t.  Their lovemaking as a couple seems to be a standard missionary then cum-inside affair, and when he tries to spice it up, in a rather realistic way, he is rebuffed.

The next morning they discuss the need for him to use his real name instead of a pseudonym.  “I’m a filmmaker!  I can’t just use a different name!” “It’s just porn; it’s only a movie, Harry!”

Bridget (Sharon Kane) shows up to audition for the maid, which makes Mai Lin curious, as she’s the maid.  Bridget explains, she’s auditioning for the role of the maid, not the actual maid.  Har har.

Sharon spouts her resume — “Mostly loops in San Francisco.  I sucked of Johnny… got him down to here!” she says with pride, before Harry tells her he’s not interested in that (or her offer of a blowjob in the bathroom) but he wants her to read from the script.  To really audition…

Cut to a montage of the crew prepping Harry’s apartment, then we get to the shooting.  Harry’s “art” is getting in the way of the shooting schedule and publicity needs (“No man is going to fuck his maid in the bathroom as she’s scrubbing the tiles!” This is especially funny since of Pachard’s penchant for bathroom scenes…)  A lot of the humor comes from the notion that porn sets are worried about overtime and union crews.

The movie maid, Felicia (Ashley Welles) and Byron (Michael Bruce) have a funny sex scene in its constant interruptions — flubbed lines, Michael shouting “Oui, oui!” and Ashley yelling “Not in my pussy you aren’t!” which breaks the action enough that Michael goes soft, and when he asks for a blowjob to get him hard again, she’s interrupted for a quick application of more lipstick… and then Harry’s constant direction, which must have been a nightmare for the sound guy to edit around.  PAs are brought in to wipe away sweaty brows like nurses on M*A*S*H*  They finally get back to fucking and an offstage voice implores “Harry, look at the bruises on that ass!  Where’s makeup?!?”

After Michael pulls out and cums on Ashley’s ass, they wrap the scene and Harry and Co. sit on a couch and lament the scene.  Harry yells “Pulls out and cums on her ass?!?  Who does that!?  That’s not reality!”  (Of course, that’s exactly what he did with his wife the night before…).  Harry is worried about the script and is told “Harry, stop writing… and you’ll discover the end!”

Bridget (Sharon Kane)  shows up in Lorraine’s (Lee Carroll) office for the audition she didn’t get with Harry.  Lorraine makes Bridget put on a strap on and asks “How does it feel  having a cock?”

“See what a man sees when he’s getting a cock sucked?  See how a man looks down on you when the cock is sticking in your face?”  Lorraine hands Bridget some lube and orders her to show her how a man “jacks off.”  Lorraine continues to order Bridget around – bossing her around to suck her pussy while stroking that cock.  She taunts her “Do you have orgasms yet, Bridget?  I do!” and then Sharon takes her doggie style.  “There’s not a woman in the world who can do what I do!” she yells as she’s getting fucked.

When they’re done, Bridget moans — “This has been really incredible and really hot.  I had no idea, Lorraine.”

Indeed!

But, after a very short catch-their-breath break, Lorraine insists “Now fuck me in the ass!  Fuck me in the ass, you cunt!”  Bridget is a bit taken aback — “Have you done this before?” – but obliges… then she starts to take the dominant role, yelling “Do you want to come again, Lorraine?  This little girl is going to make you cum!”

There are some really great interpersonal dynamics at play here.

(As an aside, one of the most amazing things about seeing Lee Carroll getting it from behind is how pristine her asshole looks.  This wasn’t someone who had a lot of anal sex…)

We then get a quick scene between Bridget and an uncredited Joe Santini where Harry is imploring him — while the rest of the crew stands by — to “get your nose up in there!” as he’s eating her out.  They quickly fuck on a chair which has Miriam upset, asking “Harry, can you have them not fuck on the chair?  We just had it reupholstered!”

 

We get to the heart of it the next morning with an argument between Miriam and Harry.

MIRIAM: I can’t take it any longer! …  Nose fucking!  You know what, Harry!  You disgust me!

HARRY: Fuck you.

MIRIAM: What? What did you say to me?

HARRY: What am I supposed to do?  Show you that I’m miserable in my work? That I don’t like what I’m doing? Well, let me tell you something, Miriam.  This is going to be a great —

MIRIAM: It’s just a fuck film, Harry!  Nothing more! It’s a crap porno!

HARRY: So what?! It doesn’t have to be anything else!  It’s supposed to turn people on.  Arouse them! Sexually!  There’s nothing wrong with that, Miriam; tho it might be a new experience for you.

MIRIAM: What are you trying to say, Harry?  That I’m not sensual? That I’m frigid? Answer me!

HARRY: You’re not exactly what we would call orgasmic, Miriam.

MIRIAM: Fuck. You.  (She leaves)

HARRY: That’s really what it’s all about, isn’t it.

Next up, Mary Ann(Tiffany Clark) is bitching about costumes and wants to meet her co-star.  Harry wants none of it.  “Honey, I need to keep you away from him. It’s the way it happens in the story. The two characters never meet until they make love.”

Harry is all about the story… except Miriam appears and says “So, Lorraine tells me you don’t have an ending.”

Mary Ann’s scene partner, Alex (George Payne), walks in wearing Harry’s robe (“I found it in the bathroom”) and gets the rundown of the scene and the sex within it.

As they fuck, and she thanks Alex for fucking her, Harry starts giving direction to her face.  “I want everybody in this room to watch her.  Everyone in this room is watching you being fucked.  Now you look around. I want to see some animal!”  Alex pumps rapidly, “Do you want to come inside her?” Harry asks.  “No!  Cum in her mouth!  Fuck her mouth!  Keep those eyes open!  Make him come!  Make him come in your mouth!” but she asks for more fucking… and more fucking she gets.  She pulls Alex’s ass into her, and then wraps her arms around Harry who is whispering direction on and on, until he pins her arms down … but then she kisses Harry.

This action is not lost on Miriam who has been watching this whole thing, and Harry looks up at her and sneers, “Cut.”

Wow.  He’s fucking on a whole different level.  Mind fuck.

The next day Harry is making himself a drink and Miriam is heading out, but not before she tells him:

“You’re not making this film for money.  If you were, it’d be done already.  If you don’t straighten out, then Harry’s finished and Miriam’s finished.”

This is very much a departure from so much in porn where spouses don’t mind each other fucking around.  There is jealousy here, and it’s an emotion not often dealt with in porn.

After Miriam leaves for the store, Harry finds his way upstairs and fucks the maid (Mai Lin) in the bathroom as she’s cleaning the tiles.  They actually talk about the ramifications of their actions, and he assures her it’ll be fine and he won’t “come in her mouth.”  (One of the three great lies, along with “The check’s in the mail” and “I’ll do it first thing Monday morning.”)  So she blows him, then he fucks her and she ends up blowing him again and as he’s cumming in her mouth, Miriam walks back in and catches them, shouting “MAID FUCKER!”  (We never see the semen, so tough to say if he really came or not…)

Miram throws Harry out of the house and tells him he’ll never finish the picture, and he’s certainly not allowed to shoot in the house, anymore.

He’s stuck walking the streets of New York, passing Henri Pachard offering a proposition in a badly dubbed scene (guess it was easier to shoot silent on the streets of NYC) and he ends up at Lorraine’s apartment.  He tells her about the maid fucking… but he’s fixated on finishing the film… until the Maid walks in!  (We know it’s his old maid because of the oriental music on the soundtrack played in both of their trysts.)

Suddenly everyone is blowing Harry, then Mai Lin lays back and lets Harry finger her while Lorraine blows Harry, with occasional breaks for muff diving.  The the Maid fucks him reverse cowgirl while Lorraine plays with his balls and takes some licks on the maid.  The scene them jumps around quite a bit, until Lorraine pulls Harry’s cock out of the maid and has him come in her mouth.

Roll credits.

The scenes I picked as best in the bunch were the Sharon Kane / Lee Carroll pairing and the Tiffany Clark / George Payne pairing, the latter made special by Eric Edwards’ totally clothed participation in the scene.

Next week, we’ll talk about the sequel, 1984’s Great Sexpectations.

 

 

 

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Trinity Brown (1984)

Trinity Brown has ADVENTURE!

Trinity Brown has SEX!

Trinity Brown is full of FAST ACTION and FAST WOMEN!

Tonight on Nightcalls on Playboy Radio (SiriusXM 102), we’ll be discussing Robert McCallum‘s 1984 potboiler, Trinity Brown.

It’s trailer was one of the best, mostly for its strident voiceover. Watch it over at VCX’s site.

The trailer made this one of my favorite movies.  When we first saw the trailer in college, my roommate and I couldn’t stop quoting “Trinity Brown has EXCITEMENT!” to one another — oftentimes making up silly things Trinity Brown has… at breakfast, Trinity Brown has PANCAKES! was likely heard more than once… so we were looking forward to this movie.

Having this “talking about old porn” segment every week is making me go back and pick out stuff that I liked and haven’t seen in quite a long time.  Happily, many of these titles are enjoying rediscovery and are available on DVD or VOD.  However, I watched this one on VHS, old school, from a dub made for me by Peter van Aarle — which means the movie had Dutch subtitles.  In the 90s, companies in the US were cutting up their classic movies (bye bye turkey fucking) and you could only get ahold of the uncut titles overseas; so Peter would send care packages.    (I should point out that Trinity Brown hasn’t been cut up.)

If you couldn’t tell from the box cover, Trinity Brown, played by Colleen Brennan, is an LA Cop; John Leslie plays her partner (in most senses of the word), Zack.  We first meet them as they’re rolling up on a crime in progress.  The bad guy has Zack pinned down, he draws his gun, shots ring out — Trinity Brown saves her partner!

What follows is a servicable enough cop story — it’s “Adam 12” level detective work, modern audiences will probably put it together… but maybe not, since the filmmakers tacked on an ending where Trinity and Zack spell out the resolution of the case in voiceover as B-roll of driving down an LA highway flashes by before the ending credits roll over them.

So, I won’t discuss plot – enjoy it for yourself — but I will discuss a couple of sex scenes that you should spend some VOD minutes on…

At 9:55 in, Colleen and John start to go at it until they’re interrupted by a call from the stationhouse.  The bit of tit-play and dirty talk here are top notch.  Colleen has a rack you can lose yourself in.

They pick it back up at 15:50 with some generic before bed chit-chat which turns into John frigging Colleen as she stands next to the bed.  This is aces.  They have a nice screw and he cums on her face.

At the 46 minute mark, Colleen goes to question Jamie Gillis in connection with the case, but to get in the office she poses as a wannabe actress, so Jamie rolls out the casting couch.  They have a spirited session together, lots of good eye contact and kissing and talk throughout.  The scene is intercut with an also fine (but not at the same level) swive between John Leslie and Tamara Longley.

Trinity Brown has SEX!

Tonight on Playboy Radio: San Fernando Valley Girls (1983)

“This is a species known as a Valley Girl; we’ll call her Tiffany. The fact that Tiffany is a girl that lives in the Valley is not enough to make her a Valley Girl. Valley Girls, or a “Vals” — as they are more commonly referred to — are a highly complex breed made up of definable attitudes, speech patterns and dress. Let’s start with the packaging…”

Tonight, at Debi‘s suggestion, we talked about San Fernando Valley Girls, a Louis Lewis production from 1983.

Jamie Gillis narrates this look at the girls who populate and fornicate in  the San Fernando Valley in porn’s cash-in off of Frank Zappa’s 1982 novelty-hit, Valley Girl. The film is structured like a documentary, with Jamie giving us a history of the region, it’s transformation from small town to bustling suburb due to movie money.

The narrator then turns his sights onto Val, played by Debi Diamond, here credited as Shelley Rey, standing naked, alone in what looks like a restaurant.  The narrator describes her and she adds elements to her costume along the way — the greatest perhaps, being when she pulls opaque purple pantyhose up over her naturally furry nether regions.

The narrator asks Tiffany about a “cool dude… meaning a nice young man?”

“Geez, like you can be so lame. Like, OK, so this blue Excalibur pulls up next to me, and like this waaay gnarly dude is like feeling me up with his eyes, and like I can totally swear its Rick Springfield.  Like DUDE!”

So the Narrator conjures up Arnold, a nerd played briefly by Jim Malibu as a nerd, who says “You must be one of those New Waver girls I read about in my Dad’s Reader’s Digest!” which causes Tiffany to recoil in disgust. “Ohmygod!  Like! This is like totally grody! Totally! Gag me with a spoon! Slimeball! Like I’m not into Aqua Velva and, like, no dude is named Arnold!”

“So what is a ‘Dude’ Tiffany?”

“Well, like, pick up this month’s GQ and like send me something that looks like it stepped off the page!”

A bell rings, and there’s Mike Horner in a sports jacket, black collared shirt buttoned to the neck, white belt and slacks.

“Like, my name’s Brian.  I have two tickets to tonight’s AC/DC concert… it’s like gonna crank… TO THE MAX! You wanna go with me?”

“Fer shurr!”

She seems impressed by this.  He runs down some more of their night’s festivities and ends with “… and if you’d like, you could give me some durrs… like, right now!”

“Fer shurr…”

And she starts to go down on him, and upon looking in his fly she exclaims, “Awesome! Like totally awesome!”

The Narrator starts to get flustered — “What are you doing?  Whar does the expression “Giving Durrs” mean?”

“I’m sure you can figure it out!” and we’re off to the races, and she proceeds to suck Mike off to a nice facial finish.

We next go to a bar for what is, we come to figure out in a Tarantino-esque flashback later on, Sharon Mitchell’s birthday party, headlined by a live performance by one of LA’s endless leather-pants-clad female-who-looks-like-Rosanna-Arquette fronted bands… and come to find the bar is owned by Max (Jamie Gillis) and Rosie (Juliet “Aunt Peg” Anderson).  Rosie wears a black wig and is trying to live vicariously through the girls by asking Max “So, what do you think of all this ValTalk?” and he says “Well, it’s good for business” and she says “I think it’s neat; I mean; totally rad, uh, to the max.”

The singer then announces “the moment you guys have all been waiting for — (we have?)– the big Valley Girl contest!” and pulls Janet (Gina Martell) up on stage to monologue how hard her life is since Daddy won’t pay for her nose job if her grades don’t improve… and we flashback to Stephanie (Janey Robbins) picking up her princess phone to speak with her best friend Tammy (Sharon Mitchell):

“Like, my electronic answering device is like totally in Repair City, so like, this is Stephanie, coming to you, like, all the way, live!”

“Oh my god! This is, like, too rad to be true!  Steph, this is Tammy. Can you talk?”

“Fer shurr, like my orthodontinst totally removed my retainer last week.”

(Get it?  I’m not so sure Janey did, but I digress…)

We come to find out that Uncle Max is throwing Tammy a birthday party, but if he was in charge of it, it’d be “all jonesy” so Tammy wants Stephanie to help her plan it, the centerpiece of which will be a contest to see who does the best ValSpeak…

After she hangs up, we pull back to see she’s been sitting on Eric Edwards’ face the whole time… so he eats her a bit more, then she sucks him off, and the whole time, they’re talking to each other in these nice little affirmations – how good the other one feels and the like … it’s almost kinda sweet.  They tit fuck for a bit, then she mounts him and they fuck fuck for a bit more, he flips her over, cums and keeps on strokin…

Then we cut to traffic on the 101 and a black VW Rabbit convertible drives along into the Valley and then we cut to more Valley Monologues (“Andrea, you’re not wearing that miniskirt and metallic shoes to your grandmother’s funeral!”) and we flashback to Tammy visiting Bobby (an effeminate Jon Martin) at his aerobics studio (Hello, Jane Fonda!) where a bunch of girls are gyrating, er, working out, and Tammy invites him to the party and let’s him know there’s a contest and the door prize is “A new Betamax for the Best Val!”

Bobby berates his students a little more with some tough love (“Work off those bagels and cream cheese, girls!”) and we’re back in Tammy’s room smoking pot with Tammy telling Janet a story about her sister Pam (Laurie Smith) and drug connection Raoul (Herschel Savage).  Pam won’t give Raoul “durrs” so she just offers him a handjob and it “keeps her in Bombay for another week.”  But, she does give him durrs after all, in fact, she gives him the fucky fucky.  (A quick side note: Laurie Smith is FUCKING HOT. Almost like a young Honey Wilder…  Moving on….)

Tammy and Janet then get turned on by the pot and the story and go to town on each other while the other scene goes on.  There’s a nice bit of the two girls kissing, and it’s fun to remember that Sharon Mitchell used to be famous for something other than being a health care professional.  Some of the footage between the girls is a little dark, but it is paced rather well.

The Laurie/Herschel scene ends with Laurie getting bonus points for jerking Herschel to pop on her bush, as opposed to him pulling out and taking care of himself.  The Gina/Sharon scenes ends with some 69 and scissoring.

Another Val Monologue which I couldn’t really understand, and we flashback to Tiffany driving to Lance’s (Paul Thomas) hair salon looking for a full beauty work up.  Debi has a voiceover on the drive and we find that she, too, is Max’s niece — not sure if that makes her Sharon’s sister or not…

She gets to the salon to find out, much to her dismay, that the girl who does the bikini waxes won’t be in for a few days, but Debi offers to show Paul how to do it.  Quick note: Paul Thomas plays Lance with  an insane Italian accent.

They discuss the waxing, and Paul preps the area with his tongue, eating Debi out in the salon chair.  She returns the favor by blowing him. (“You do that well.  Look at my cock; big and hard, eh? Tell me about it…” he says.  “I love it.  Totally.”)  So they fuck, and Joey Silvera walks in with an equally insane Italian accent — and then it becomes clear, they’re doing Ayckroyd and Martin.  As PT is fucking Debi, Joey hugs him prompting Debi to ask “Are you guy Frou-frou?” to which they respond in unison “No, we’re from Milan!”  (I think there’s a very real chance that “No, I’m from Milan!” may be sneaking into my conversation in the not-too-distant future…)  And of course, when a guy walks in on another guy fucking, no one is embarrassed, rather, they get generous and share… so PT sits down and Joey picks up right where PT left off, then PT sits back and critiques Joey’s fucking.  Life imitates art!  Then PT comes over and has Debi blow him while Joey keeps plugging away. It ends with Debi in the chair, a guy on each side, cock in each hand saying “Like, I want you both to come all over me!”  It’s pretty hot.  PT says “We’re brothers, eh!  Do everything together!” and Joey nods and they cum in unison and Debi cleans them off for good measure as Joey sings “I like-a it like that!”

Back to the bar…

Janey scoffs as Aunt Peg calls Jamie “Maxie” and says “Yuck! Sounds like a feminine napkin!” to which Aunt Peg retorts “Well, there is a similarity, no pins, no annoying tapes and Maxie here stays just as snug as a bug in a rug.”  “Like, wow, I could throw away my appetite suppressants!” Janey says. And then a small catfight breaks out between Janey and Aunt Peg, which of course leads to sex. Aunt Peg is costumed perfectly, in garters and granny panties, and she and Janey share Max’s cock… he fucks Aunt Peg while Janey sits on her belly and Jamie violently plays with Janey’s tits until he turns her over and fucks her while she eats out Aunt Peg.  He breaks the “guys don’t touch their own dicks” trend and jerks himself off onto Janey’s ass.

Finally, after some more Valley Monologues (which — SPOILER ALERT —  Jon Martin wins in drag!), they all sing Happy Birthday to Tammy (some call Mildred and Patty Hill!) and then Billy Dee comes out as a stripper, and he ends up fucking her — while she keeps her leg warmers on — in the back room of the bar.  She pulls his cock out and he cums on her bush.

“And so, when all is said and done, Valley Girls are not all that different than other girls, I mean, like, all they really want is Valley Boys.  For sure.  For sure.”

So, this is a little time capsule of 1983, and it may best be watched in a room full of guys with a case of beer.  This is a movie to laugh at on some level because it’s just so dated… tho you may find yourself laughing with it as well… and the sex is pretty hot, so you might want to watch when you’re by yourself too. :-)  (Disclaimer: The sex is hot in a 1983 way, which is to say there are no 45 minute feats of endurance here; these are short scenes, the girls are hairy downstairs, but they really enjoy themselves as opposed to so much of post-1990 porn where there is at best tolerance for the sex partner and sex acts and at the worst laying there until they can cash the check.)

I will leave you with this unrelated gem — but relating to the whole Valley Girl “craze” — an uber-awkward interview with Frank and Moon-Unit Zappa stonewalling Joan Lunden on Good Morning America in September, 1982.  (Joan seems to want Moon to tell her what awful people the kids she goes to school with are, and Moon, understandably, is not interested in committing social suicide.)