Category Archives: Movie Reviews

Today on Spice Radio: Elements of Desire (1994)

Today at 2:30 Eastern / 11:30 Eastern we’ll be on Spice Radio (SiriusXM 103) YouPorn with Christy Canyon and Ginger Lynn talking about Cameron Grant‘s 1994 opus, Elements Of Desire, featuring their guest, Dyanna Lauren.

The movie is most notable for having introduced a very young Jenna Jameson  — this was one of her first movies — tho she was credited as “Daisy” in it.  The re-release DVD boxcover features Jenna’s picture on it, as opposed to the original VHS and DVD boxcovers which featured star Julia Ann.  (The original DVD boxcover did have a shiny sticker on it promoting Jenna’s appearance; tho it sure makes it sound like her character name is Daisy, not her credited name.) The initial boxcovers also contained breathless hyperbole that could be considered half-correct: “A Director Fated to Become A Legend; A Movie Destined to Become a Classic.”  For the re-release, they eliminated it entirely as history didn’t real bear it out… Grant only made a handful of movies

This is an outstanding example of its genre of “glossy porn”.  It’s not for everyone, but if you like dreamy synth music, slow visuals, some “MTV editing” and girls looking hot (but not doing anything exceptionally raunchy) this might be for you.  I will say, if you’re a fan of facials, this should be in your viewing rotation as it has one of the best ever.

I first reviewed this movie back in 1995 and gave it a 3.35 on the Imperial Scale (“3.35 to 3.50 are good for purchasing if you can spare the bucks”) but my memory remembers it better.  So, let’s take a trip down memory lane….

But first, some quick history – back before DirectTV and DiSH made satellite dishes small enough to appeal to consumers, you could only get receptionin some areas via a BUD – big, ugly dish — and these allowed you to tune in channels directly off the satellites, so if you were in California and you wanted to watch East Coast programming, you just had to point your BUD to the appropriate transponder and watch away.  Of course, domestic TV wasn’t all that was available, and throughout the high school, there were rumors of all sorts of dirty programming available at Joe’s house — the one kid who had a BUD (the rest of us had cable…) I have no idea if it was true, but this memory came flooding back as I watched this.

The movie opens with some lush synth music and a rolling liquidy red background over which the names of our cast are revealed.  From there, we cut to Celeste (I’d know those boobs anywhere!) with a silk covering her face, sitting on a stone statue of a two-headed lion.  (Deep!)  Then a rapid succession of cuts of other scenes from the movie; giving us a little taste of what’s to come.

A female voiceover (uncredited, but not Julia Ann): “I’d been feeling restless and unfulfilled for quite some time, but it all started when we got that new satellite dish.  (Cut to shot of BUD) We were  able to pick up stations from all over the world (public domain scenes from silent movies – Griffith’s Intolerance, Chaney’s Phantom of the Opera…) it was boring, really… and I was flipping thru the channels when I came to something different.  (Cue Kenny G sax music) It was unlike anything I had ever seen before… it was beautiful, but a bit decadent at the same time…

And we see Maeva in a red and blue lit pool of water — which we now recognize from the opening credits – and she’s rolling around languidly.  This is going for sensual rather than sexual.  We get some nice ass shots and she plays with herself, but it is nothing super-explicit.  Sure is pretty tho.

Next up are two fishnet-body-stocking clad, black hooded dames (Celeste and Misty Rain) and we’re cutting between their antics and Julia getting more riled up on the couch, pulling at her stockings in an effort to touch herself.  The voiceover woman moans on the soundtrack.

Celeste’s hood comes off and Misty’s does shortly after, and there’s a lot of quick cutting to them kissing and groping one another on a white seamless. Celeste rims Misty and lets saliva drip down her cracks.  Then Misty slips a finger, then a silver dildo  into Celeste.  There’s good moaning throughout and Celeste has a couple great “Oh Wow!” wide eyed looks throughout.

The girls, Celeste especially, smile a lot through the scene, and I find that to be very much a turn on.  It looks like they’re having a good time, not that they’re at work collecting a check, or worse, somehow mad at each other and forced into grudge fucking.

Celeste sits on Misty’s face, and her big fake boobs (which don’t look hard like so many fake sets) really stress the fishnet in the most delightful way.

The scene wraps up with the girls kissing each other while Julia is a bit self-conscious about how much she really got  into herself on the couch…

The next morning, Julia eats breakfast with (real-life beau at the time?; virtually all his scenes in his career were with JA) Aaron Colt, and the voiceover tells us how much she can’t get the scenes out of her head. She gets so distracted, she drops her tomato juice, and the maid (Victoria Andrews) comes in disapprovingly and Aaron leaves the table.

Julia calls a tarot card reader (Dyanna Lauren) over the house who promises to re-ignite Julia’s spark.  Dyanna puts a talisman around Julia’s neck and then starts wraps a silk blindfold around her eyes.  (Where else would you put a blindfold, I guess…) Dyanna then starts to get handsy while some sitar-based music plays and then tongues start mingling.  Julia gives herself over to Dyanna who is loosening Julia’s blouse and letting her tongue run all over her lace-encased breasts.  Dyanna slips a nipple out, and the camera really lingers on the breasts, which is pretty great; because they look awesome in their black lace bra.

Dyanna sets them free and puts her fingers in Julia’s mouth and works her way down and gets Julia’s skirt off her and digs in. Dyanna is still clothed until Julia takes the bllindfold off, stands Dyanna up and puts the blindfold on her, bends her over the chair, hikes up her dress revealing a nice thong, then Julia sits her down and buries her head for some serious muff diving, paying careful attention to Dyanna’s clithood. The scene fades out.  There was no live audio at all in this scene, which was kind of unfortunate.  I’m a fan of live audio.

Sapphic desires quenched, Julia goes back to the TV to find “that special channel” and find Woody Long coming out of a pool and pouring tanning oil over Celeste’s (his real-life SO at the time) breasts to more Kenny G music.  He pulls her tits out of her bikini top and massages the oil into them.  He works the oil down her leg and he fellates her patent leather pumps a little. She looks pretty great in her sunglasses, so it’s a little sad when she loses them, but in the trade, we get to see her eyes which are pretty alright.

Finally, Woody stands before her in his speedo, and she pulls his cock out and goes to town, taking him down, then he tit fucks her and she sits on it reverse cowgirl, but we don’t get the full body shots that we need; instead the camera wanders around and lingers on the gyno closeup.  It’s a short lived shag, as we’re back to Celeste sucking Woody off, and (to quote my 1995 self) “Woody blows a massive load at Celeste’s face, she takes it all, and the director lingers on the aftermath for THREE MINUTES! HEAVEN!” Granted, the three minutes is a pretty slow-motiony, but it works to great effect, with Celeste making sure there are a lot of saliva and cum tendrils to play with in the aftermath.  Even without live sound, this is a hall of fame scene.  (Julia thinks so too, as she’s worked a finger into herself by this time.)

We fade out and Aaron enters a room decked out in candles and pours himself some wine. Julia enters in a black robe and negliglee and does a little strip tease while we intercut Tracy West doing a naked fire dance.  As Tracy wrote me back in 1995, “…It is my Famouse Fire Dance That I do as a Feature on the road. I never really was a porn star always been a fire dancer!! That is why they had me voo doo that movie!”  (I like her voodoo pun.)

After a few minutes of strip tease, Julia approaches Aaron and wrap a belt around his neck and then starts sucking him off.  Lots of jump cuts here, so there’s not a clear flow to the action.  Julia then mounts him reverse cowgirl, and Grant is nice enough to give us a few beats or so of a full bodyshot of Julia lowering herself on his dick before we zoom into the gyno action, and then the camera bops around from close-up to close-up.

After the ride, Julia bends over a couch and Aaron pours hot wax on her ass and she doesn’t flinch.  He then fucks her doggie style as she peels the wax off her ass which he rewards with a spank.  Again, no live audio here, and I’m really missing her little squeals as the spank hits home. Aaron leans her head back on the arm of the couch and strokes himself off onto her tits.

Julia goes back to watching TV, and we finally get to the advertising promise of Jenna Jameson and she’s with Frnech beauty Draghixa.  Both girls are in matching bra and panty sets, and have gauzy drapes blowing in and out of the frame obscuring the view. Both girls are super attractive (Jenna hadn’t the chance to meet her surgeons yet) but the pacing and the music really make you fight back slumber. However, it really makes you wonder if the editor was paid by the cut, as this scene is a million cuts, all closeups, and you don’t really get a chance to get involved in anything.  Also, the sapphic work is pretty minimal.  I suspect this might have one of Jenna’s first times with a woman, so there’s nothing really hardcore about this, just slight licking and flicking of tongues.  Credit to Draghixa for actually managing to get a finger up in Jenna’s business and kudos to the editorial team for actually letting us see it for more than 5 seconds.  This is a Penthouse video all the way.

Next up, an “office worker’s fantasy” as Asia Carrera egts ripped out of her office my two dominatix-y women, Celeste and Paula Price. Live sound is once again sacrificed, but the girls waste no time in getting Asia out of her clothes.  They’re really accentuated Asia’s asian features, as opposed to her later amaerasian apperance.  There’s some boot licking from Asia and a large lucite rod is fellated, stroked and eventually lubed for insertion into Asia’s waiting girl bits.  Then Paula and Celeste affix giant strap ons as the scene now takes on an orange tinted glow.  Asia fellates both dildoes before setting on Paula’s as Celeste makes nice to Asia’s hair (and keeping it out of the shot as an added bonus… where was she to wrangle the curtain in the scene before?!?)

OK, I have to be honest.  I am getting pretty bored here.  (Clue: lack of screenshots.)  The lack of live audio, the abundance of dull-ish g/g with hypnotically boring music and visuals that make it hard to focus on any one act are starting to try my patience.

Next up, we get Aaron and Shayla LaVeaux fucking around on a bed, and Julia walks in while Shayla has Aaron’s dick in her mouth, which makes for one of my favorite reaction shots of Shayla’s surprise as Julia comes in.  (A screenshot, I have come to find out, does not do it justice.  It really only works in context.) Julia yells “You bastard!” (not that we hear it; instead we get the voiceover lady telling us how upset she was, in a tone that is like reading a sexy list of groceries) throws a vase into a mirror, and then she slaps Shayla!  The voiceover then ludicrously confesses “I’ve always had this secret attraction to Karen, but I’d never get the courage to do anything about it; but now I was so mad, I didn’t care anymore.  Perhaps I would have reacted differently before, but I had a new perspective on things…” and then they make out.

And then Julia drops to her knees and begins to make sweet sweet love to Shayla’s moneymaker.  This goes on a while, then Shayla returns the favor for a while, and then Julia beckons Aaron to come over, and they both blow him and his stupid ponytail. He fucks Julia then pulls out and cums on Shayla’s shoulder. HER SHOULDER?!?  THAT’S A THING?!?

Now, all three of them are watching TV, trading sexy looks and we see an industrial setting of some kind and P.J. Sparxx is in some kind of sex swing thing and Deidre Holland is having her way with her.

On another channel, Tiffany Mynx and Mark Davis (not Mickey Ray as the credits state) are in their own blue light special.

It starts with Mark eating her as she stands in bra and flowy robe. She blows him, then he fucks her a bit as she’s lying down, and then all too briefly, she does some reverse anal cowgirl and finished things off with a blowjob to a facial finish.  (It’s a pretty good facial, but the scene itself is pretty short and suffers from the same disjointed editing as the rest of it.)

Finally, the movie fades out on Aaron and Shayla playing with Julia’s tits as she remains entranced by the TV.

So, is my memory playing tricks?  Is it better than a 3.35?  (“3.35 to 3.50 are good for purchasing if you can spare the bucks”) Not really.  It’s the lowest end of the “buy if it you have cash to spare” spectrum.  The lack of live audio really detracted for me.  There are some that will find it charming, but I found it a little snooze-worthy at times.

Now, I’d probably go with 3.35 as the high end of  “2.50 to 3.35 are all good to great rentals” and maybe even downgrade it to a 2.75 or 3.

With the prevalence of pay-per-minute video on demand, I’d say, watch the Celeste scene and if you’re a fan of anyone else (spend a minute or two just to see how fucking cute Jenna used to be before she felt the need to become a robo-porno), but otherwise, you won’t die sad if you don’t see the other stuff.

POST SHOW NOTES

Julia Ann was on the show!! I’ve been a big fan of hers since the ice dildo days, so it was cool to talk to her.  We ended up taking a decidedly non-sexy tangent into dogs and my displeasure for a dog I’m dogsitting right now, and I didn’t have to slag the movie while she was on the movie.  (The reason for the slagging wasn’t her fault anyway.  She looked pretty great all the way around here.)

Julia did confirm that Aaron Colt was her boyfriend and gave us the trivia that he didn’t like doing the deed with Shayla since he didn’t want to “cheat.”  Julia told him to pipe down and man up and they shot the scene.

Today on Spice Radio: Naughty Girls Like It Big (1986)

Today at 11:30 Pacific / 2:30 Eastern on Spice Radio’s YouPorn (SiriusXM 103) I’ll be discussing Bob Vosse‘s 1986 movie, Naughty Girls Like it Big as it features today’s guest  Angel Kelly who will be talking with Ginger and Christy on their weekly Legends Show.

This movie also features John Holmes (who has his only scene in this movie with Angel) and I have to thank John’s biographer, Jill Nelson, for the title suggestion.

The plot is very simple – a group of college girlfriends get together and discuss the biggest cock they’ve ever seen.

It opens with Nina Hartley in a very nice red bra and panty set saying goodbye to Jim Malibu (who was also line producer on the movie) as he offers her additional money.  She says she doesn’t have time to go again as her college reunion is coming over, and he says the money is merely a bonus.  He leaves just as Porsche Lynn enters.  There’s squealing and hugging and Lili Marlene asks if it’s a private party and there’s more squealing and hugging and then Angel Kelly comes in, a little nervous.  Seems she’s a Lili’s younger sister who is currently attending City College and was just tagging along to meet Lili’s friends.  The girls ask Angel is one of the professors still plays grabass and she says he does.The girls then ask who Malibu was, and Nina explains he was a client… a very well hung client.

So Porsche jumps in and tells the story about the biggest dick she ever saw belonged to a guy named Lester (Tom Byron).  She was babysitting Lester’s younger siblings, since Lester was kind of slow and couldn’t babysit himself.  We dissolve to Tom drinking milk at a table (because all dimwits drink milk… look it up) and Porsche comes in and hits on him, asking why she doesn’t see him around school.He says he flunked a few grades, and she proceeds to ask him a bunch of leading questions that end up with her dropping her top and asking if he likes tits.  She teases him quite a bit, and its rather effective in its goals.  It’s a pretty hot intro.

This is young Tom, so he plays the confused teen pretty well.  She asks to see what’s in his robe, and he pulls his tighty-whiteys down, and she sticks her tongue out at him, and he grabs her head and pulls her into a kiss.  They make out for a bit and then she stops him so she can suck him off. About four sucks in, he says he’s going to cum, so she stops immediately to make sure she has ample time with this “little friend.”  I gotta give ’em points for attempting accuracy.  She then asks for him to meet her friend, Muffy; and she bends over the table and he just slides on in.  She instructs him to slow down, “to give your friend more time to play.”  She ends up reverse cowgirl on him, and Porsche has such a fantastic body.  Little heavy on the gyno closeups in this section — reverse cowgirl was designed for full body shots…

She tweaks her nipples as she turns around for regular cowgirl, and Tom finally manages to get a tit in his mouth… at about the same time she leaps off him and his cock starts spurting all over her ass and his legs.  We dissolve back to Nina’s apartment and Porsche reveals she married him.

Lili Marlene isn’t comfortable talking about it, especially in front of her “little sister” Angel so Nina tells about this one time — FLASHBACK! — when she hadn’t had sex for TWO DAYS, she starts to play with outfits in front of a mirror, trying on different attitudes, my favorite being a gum-snapping “Hey you!  Wanna fuck!?” followed by her purple-raincoat-clad “Lady Flasher!” She stops by a construction site in her Lady Flasher outfit (some surprisingly convincing rear projection, esp.for 1986), masturbates a little, and manages to catch the eye of Buddy Love and Mike Horner.  It’s every construction worker’s dream come true, and Buddy picks her right up, “Life’s too short to waste time!”

She wants to know “who’s first?” and Buddy says there is no first, she’s going to take them at the same time… and they drop trou as she drops to her knees, taking a cock in each hand.  (I’m not sure if I know any of my co-workers so well as to think I’d rub cocks with them with no prior planning.  Is this something we’d have talked about?  “I can’t wait until that day when some hot girl walks by and lets us fuck her at the same time!  Seeing your dick won’t be even a little awkward!”)

They waste no time, and after a little sucking and a little pussy licking, Buddy plunges right into Nina’s ladybits as she continues to suck off Mike.  This is a pretty energetic scene, and Nina gets into it.  We get a lot of nice body shots of Nina and her firm boobs shaking about. Position change and she’s blowing Buddy as Mike takes her from behind.  Position change again, and she’s on her back jerking off Buddy’s cock into her mouth while Mike cums on her belly. Dissolve to Buddy fucking a clean bellied-Nina and he pulls out and cums, allegedly.  The cumshot is dissolved between close-ups of his neck and his stroking cock over her belly, so we don’t really see anything.

They press Lili for details, but she again asks that they not talk about it in front of her “little sister” and Angel jumps in saying she’s not that little, and she’s not a virgin, and the first cock she saw (having only seen two) was very much like the ones they’re talking about.  “Big?  I mean HUGE.”

Angel Kelly and John Holmes in Naughty Girls Like It BigDissolve to City College, and Angel is in Professor Grabass’ classroom.  The Professor, Mr. Chester (John Holmes) comes in as she’s erasing the blackboard, and she starts to feel herself up when  he makes his move and  comes up behind her, slides his hands down the front of her pants, and asks her what she’s doing.  She demures.  He asks “What were you doing?  Fantasizing in my classroom? Playing with yourself?”  He leads it on so well, we can almost forgive the stupid sunglasses he’s wearing.

He says he keeps her in the front of class because he can’t stop thinking about her either, and she opens her dress, and his mammoth cock flops out of his pants (“It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple!”) and after a little more talk, she drops to her knees and gets to work.  She’s lots of smiles here, and for my money, there’s nothing better than someone looking like they’re enjoying what they’re doing.

The scene has a playful vibe, and she looks up at him a lot.  She can’t get too much of it in her mouth, but she asks so sweetly, “Are you going to fuck me, Mr. Chester?” and he stands her up, unzips her skirt as she keeps jerking him off.  It really is amazing how big his dick is.  I’ve seen it countless times, but each time it surprises me.

He puts her up on his desk and she drops the bomb that this is “her first time” and he promises to be gentle.  This, sadly, shouldn’t be that difficult because his cock isn’t all that hard, so not a lot goes into her; a lot of the thrusting to begin with is just compression of his dick, and eventually, he gets to a point where it does slide in and out.  He stays clothed the whole time.  She moans about how nice he fucks her, and she smiles and lays back and enjoys it.  He stops fucking her and eats her out for a bit, getting her very wet and lubed up.  He turns her around for the “backdoor to paradise” and she asks if that way “will hurt” and he assures her it won’t, and after a misfire or two, he slips it in.  (Even Johnny Wadd had trouble finding the hole once in a while…)  He fucks her that way for a bit before shooting a very respectable load on her right ass cheek and thigh.

More pressing of Lili occurs, and she’s really uncomfortable; so Nina suggests what they need is her “toy bag for big girls” and Porsche and Nina attack Lili, and they’re all naked.  This is a little awkward for Angel — or Lili, even, who has been trying to protect Angel all night?  Not at all, and Porsche moves over to her as Nina eats Lili out.

I’ve always had a soft spot for Lili Marlene, and I think it’s because she looks just like my freshman year German teacher.  A little older, tall, blond, busty and Teutonic.  What a package. The girls pair off in various ways, and there’s a lot of moaning, but truth be told, no real connections.  I think it’s because they’re “acting” during the sex as opposed to just having sex… the dialogue distracts from the scene; and when they finally shut up, things start to move… and then Lili, on her way to eating Nina, briefly plays with Angel, and that seems a little out of character… but it’s only porn, right?

Once the mouths are well worked out, out comes the double-dong, and Lili starts fellating it, while Angel blows the other end… and suddenly the sisters are double-dong-ing it… if they weren’t so hung up on story leading up to this, the scene wouldn’t be so off-putting.  Lily seems to put off by all the sex talk that then seeing her sharing a dildo with her sister… little weird.  But Angel is totally game and looks really great, hips bucking against her sister’s…

Once all the girls are satisfied, the older girls all retire to the bedroom, and Angel stays behind to make a call… she calls someone and insists they come over to “my sister’s friend’s house” (so we haven’t dropped that notion) and after she goes back into the bedroom where the older girls are all going it, since breast fondling is what set Lili off.

Lili finally tells the story that when she tried modelling she was told her tits were too small, so she had them done.  Dissolve to a white room, and Ron Jeremy and his nurse Alexis Greco welcome Lili into his office.

Alex Greco is another starlet that didn’t have a long career – only 40 or so movies – and she wasn’t very porn looking.  She was an attractive girl you’d see in your office.

Lili Marlene, Ron Jeremy and the back of Alex Greco's HeadRon lays Lili down on his desk, and every time he touches her breasts, Lili squeals and squirms.  Alex gets into the act, eating out Lili and making out with Ron.  Ron is full of one liners – “We should do surgery now.  Would you like a local… or an express?” — and he helps Alex out of her nurse’s uniform.  Ron digs right into Alex’ box, focusing on her clit as he slides a few fingers into her.  Lili is behind her, massaging Alex’s perfect little tits.  Lili is feeling left out, and she has a breast just casually peeking out of her dress which is pretty hot.

Alex eats her out while Ron briefly fucks her from behind.  Then he turns her around and fucks her in a standing position as she noshes on Lili’s tits.  Then she lays back, and Lili returns the tit sucking favor.  Ron’s not plunging very deeply at first, but then the hammers hit home.

Lili finally demands satisfaction, she’s the patient after all; so she strips off her dress and gets into a position where Ron can fuck her doggie style while she 69s with Alex.

(I am always impressed with the bottom girl in this position, as it seems there is so many opportunities for a busted nose.)

As Lili goes to town on Alex’ ample bush, Ron moves himself around and sneaks the head of his cock into Lili’s mouth.  It’s a pretty awesome moment, and Lili doesn’t miss a beat with it.  Finally Ron pulls of Alex and cums which Lili is more than happy to lap up.

Back to the bed and the doorbell rings… it’s Angel’s boyfriend, Jerry Butler, who is lucky guy to walk into a four girl orgy.  The whole scene is pretty high energy and has a frenetic feel; there is always one girl in the throes of ectasy at one time; Jerry has a hard time keeping focus.  Everyone fights over his cock, and he ends up fucking Porsche and launching a big load (partially obscured by her head) over her torso, which the other girls clean up.

And then in the ultimate backhanded compliment, Angel leers “See ladies — doesn’t have to be big, to be good!” and we fade to credits which do a very good job of matching performer to name…

This was a very solid outing, and I wouldn’t hesitate in recommending it.  Everyone looked attractive, the director didn’t skimp on full body shots and paid attention to the faces of the performers — their most expressive parts! — and there’s not a lot to complain about here.

VOD available at HotMovies and AEBN; DVDs at Adult DVD EmpireAdultDVDMarketplace and XRentDVD

 

Today on Spice Radio: On Golden Blonde (1984)

Today on Spice Radio’s YouPorn (SiriusXM 103 at 2:30 PM Eastern / 11:30 AM Pacific) we’ll be talking about On Golden Blonde, the first movie that Christy Canyon and Ginger Lynn did together — even tho they shared no scenes; that would be saved for Night Of Loving Dangerously, which was shot around the same time.

First, the video I watched for this review was streamed from HotMovies, and it’s only 60 minutes long, and the original VHS boxcover states it’s approx 83 minutes, and our original running time is 80 minutes, so there seems to be 20 minutes or so missing.  Anyone know where or why?

Since I don’t have a VHS or DVD copy of this handy, this review is of a HEAVILY EDITED video and reflects as much.

The movie starts with a swinging little waltz and we meet Alice (Christy Canyon) and a James-Mason-as-Mr.-Jordan-esque angel (William Black) and she’s being told she’s dead, but was taken before her time.  I wish I could say nice things about the dialogue or delivery here, but it’s very evident this was a very young Christy who was not yet the experienced performer we’ve come to know and love, and her acting is well… overshadowed by her bra-less jogging that follows a few moments later.  Turns out, Alice was jogging in the park and sat down in front of a tree and was taken by mistake… someone else was supposed to sit in front of that tree moments later, but heaven jumped the gun and took Alice instead, in what was a rather laughable “head droops over in death” action.

So, she is offered a bunch of other bodies to inhabit since her family has already buried her and she can’t be rising from the dead.  This upsets her because “I’m an archaeologist, and that’s all I ever wanted to do!”  (What one has to do with the other is not clear.)

(This whole sequence is shot from a low angle looking up at the performers, and it’s not particularly flattering to either of them.)

The Angel suggests they get a move on, and we dissolve to Christy in bed with Marc Wallice.  It’s not clear why it’s Christy in bed, and not one of the bodies she’s meant to inhabit, but she looks so yummy in the bed, it hardly matters.  Marc spends quite a while (5+ minutes out of a 9+ minute scene) eating her out, and the camera lingers on his chin and Christy’s twat, when the better subject might have been the rest of her in the throes of passion… she turns around and starts sucking him off for all of 15 seconds and then mounts him reverse cowgirl.  She strips off her negligee and rides him.  If there ever was a girl made for reverse cowgirl, it’s an 18 year old Christy Canyon. We don’t get to see Christy head-on, but we see the cowgirl in profile, as if the cameraman didn’t have room at the foot of the bed (but, in hindsight, it seems to be an editing choice to hide the penetration).   She then turns around and rides him some more.  There’s a few glances directly into the camera, which is a motif that will play out a bit more later. Finally, Marc lays her on her back and titfucks her for a spell, and gives her a pearl necklace.

Cut to Alice and Angel watching Ginger Lynn having an argument with her fiancee Tom Byron in front of the maid Janey Robbins.  He’s asked for some sort of sex, and Ginger is appalled at the suggestion.  Alice is appalled at (a) the thought of having to inhabit a prude’s body and (b) that the prude is blonde.  The Angel assures her it’s just for a few days, since Ginger is scheduled to meet her own tragic end a few days hence. And then *blink!* Christy disappears and Ginger asks the Angel (to Tom’s confusion) how she looks.  Angel says “great, see you in a few days” and he disappears as well.

Lucky for Tom, he’s got a slutty archeologist taking over his fiancee’s body because she’s all excited about giving him some head.  Tom has the most scenes of any actor with Ginger, and it’s clear why — they’ve got some chemistry.. but it’s hard to find since there are so many disjointed cuts.  (I assume this is where some of the 20 minutes went.)  We don’t really see Tom cum on Ginger’s face or him fuck her standing doggie.  Angel comes back and Ginger has a conversation with him that Tom doesn’t understand (“Does it have to be so short?” Ginger asks the Angel; but Tom — thinking she’s talking to him — apologizes for his cock size.  It’s a pretty labored set up.)

Ginger asks for the maid and tells to eat her out.  Instead of filing a harassment suit, she muff dives in.  She makes her way over to Tom’s cock, sucking him off until he’s hard again, and then we see Tom fucking her doggie style, but not really, since we cut away right away to Ginger’s finger’s exploring her own snatch.  Then we see Janey looking right into the camera, and there’s what can only be described as a “cable angle” of the sex.  Since we know that Janey has anal sex in the movie, I wonder if this edit is somehow cutting around that fact and focussing on Janey’s face and Ginger’s fingers.  All of a sudden, we see Tom’s dick dripping cum over Janey’s ass.  Strange.  I can’t quite figure out why things were re-edited this way.  (Vidcaps show off some of the missing footage, including  a facial for Ginger from Tom and what appears to be a great double BJ from Ginger and Janey.)

Alice leaves with the Angel, letting Ginger wake up frightened with Tom and Janey laying on her.

Alice an Angel then appear in an apartment where Jamie Gillis and Peter North are fighting over Gina Carrera.  Alice takes over Gina’s body and strips down, which makes the guys strip down.  There’s a very funny half-a-second where Jamie and Peter realize they’re both naked (having been fighting moments earlier) and they’ve probably never been naked in front of each other before.

Gina kneels down in front of them and takes a cock in each hand sucks them both until they’re hard as rocks, then Jamie fucks her missionary while Peter nibbles on her tit; but Jamie isn’t particularly spirited, just some pumps.  She rolls over to blow Peter while Jamie eats her out from behind, and then another weird cut as Jamie makes his O face, but we don’t see him cum, nor do we see Peter’s cumshot as she jerks hium off all over his belly.  We do briefly see some post-cum head clean up and the remains of Jamie’s baby batter on her ass…

Later, Gina is poolside as Dino Alexander is cleaning it, and she goes right for the fellatio.  He does not put up a fight.  He eats her out until she orgasms and then he fucks her; but we don’t see any penetration.  What is this weird cable soft/hard hybrid?! He throws a missionary hump into her for awhile and then they move to doggie, where he cums on her ass.  He seems to move her into another position to keep the action going, but we cut away from it to get back to Alice’s story.

Angel takes her to a hospital where Chanel Lindsay, an archaeologist named Miriam (a blonde!), is recovering from a head trauma and her doctor (and future husband, Angel tells us)  Peter Moss is shocked to hear her talking. She suggests they leave and go fuck, so they do in a garishly wallpapered room, where he throws an energetic doggie style hump into her. She meets his every thrust, and he puts her on her back so he can eat her out.  Apparently, this weird editing style has no issue with focusing for extended periods of time on tongues and vaginas. They end up in missionary, where all thrusting is kept close, and he pulls out and cums on her box (so it seems).

Legend has it (see below) that Tom Byron stunt dicked for Peter Moss in this scene, but you can’t tell in this chopped up version.

Then we see the Angel one more time, and he’s telling us he’ll see us soon — some of us sooner than others.

It is difficult to judge this movie in its current form any other way than harshly.  Not that in its unedited form it would be too much better, but at least seeing the sex and more of the cumshots would raise the heat factor.

Christy looks great here, as does Ginger.  Really, they’re awesome.  Ginger pulls the acting off better than Christy does.  They story is weak and doesn’t make a ton of sense on its own; motivations are murky.  It’s ripping off Heaven Can Wait, but not very well, and with very little of the humor.  Even though our lead gals look great, I was hoping to like this movie a lot more than I did.

Jimmy over at  Golden Sin Palace said this about it, and it’s not a hard position to defend:

So except for the memories of my youth this film has nothing special and certainly does not deserve a positive recommendation. One thing is certain, it was much easier to please me when I was 16 years old  than now at 40.

Having said that, IAFD Editor Jamie had this to say after reading a draft of this review:

You didn’t mention the nasty line of shit running out of Janey’s ass when Tom pulled out. Or that he came three times in one scene or that he stunt dicked for Peter Moss in the Chanel Lindsay scene.

 Tom was a busy boy on that movie.
I love On Golden Blonde, even today.
Over in the facebook group, Adult Films 1968-1988, Scott chimed in:
I have a mediocre quality digital copy taken from a 28 year old VHS tape. It runs exactly 1:19:40. The Tom Byron / Janey Robbins scene is intact. The tape was released by Paradise Visuals, so if it was edited, it was after their release.
Well, it was waaaay edited… and not to its betterment.

Today on Spice Radio: Justine: Nothing to Hide 2 (1993)

[POST-SHOW UPDATE: During the show, we also mentioned the following movies and performers:

]

While the plan was to talk about Comeback today, the girls have asked that my segment relate to the guests who are going to be on the show that day, and I think that’s a pretty great plan.  We’ll save the movies featuring Christy and/or Ginger for days when they don’t have guests booked.  So, today’s guests are Penny Antine aka Raven Touchstone and Hyapatia Lee.

You’ll note that Penny/Raven’s name isn’t hyperlinked, and that’s because the IAFD doesn’t track behind-the-scenes staff beyond the director.  This is a shortcoming on our part and something we’ll be addressing in the coming months.  Penny is a photographer on porn sets and Raven is a writer of porn films.  In looking over Raven’s IMDB page,  I was surprised to see how long she’s been writing movies — tho I suspect it has more to do with me not wanting to admit that I’m old enough to remember 20 year old porn movies when they came out…

So, the plan was to do something that both Hyapatia and Raven were involved in, which meant I Do 2: The Honeymoon, but honestly, not a favorite of mine, and Vivid cut it to ribbons for its DVD release which means any copy you can get your hands on is a 72 minute version so it could fit on a VCD (THERE’S a technology to get behind!), so I figured I’d focus on the movie that leapt off of her IMDB page —  the absolutely fantastic Nothing to Hide 2: Justine (or Justine: Nothing to Hide 2; or just Nothing to Hide 2

The film suffers from early-90s Chyron titles, but don’t let that put you off because it also has hot sex and some grown-up emotions.

As the movie opens, we see surfer boy David, Nick East and his Dad, Simon (Mike Horner) walking down a beach, ogling a pretty girl.  Mike is tickled that the girl was checking him out, and Nick tells him he needs to get back in the dating pool.  As Nick gets in his car, Mike does something that is NEVER done in porn — he says “And I love you, too” to his son as he  shuts Nick’s car door.

Cut to Tianna sitting on her bathroom vanity applying some shaving cream to her ladybits and cleaning herself up.  She’s cleaning herself up because she has a date that night with Simon.

Next, we see Jolie, Roxanne Blaze, looking through some photos that Nick took as he packs for a trip.  He says he’ll call every day he’s gone, and she tells him not to, since if she’s not there when he calls, he’ll just get jealous.  He pouts and they start to make out; he wants to move into the bedroom, but she wants to stay in the living room, in front of all the open windows.  She relaxes into a chair and starts rubbing herself and groping her breast and she purrs for him to tell her what he’s thinking.  He replies with the pussy-drying “My father.”And then he drops the bomb that he wanted to tell his Dad he wanted to marry Roxanne.   She is up for that, and he goes over to her.

Then another non porn thing happens – he mentions babies.  “We could have beautiful babies together.isn’t that what you want?” and she seems little dismayed and distracted, this is just a girl who wants a good fucking before her boyfriend goes away, not a proposal and talk of families.

Cut back to Tianna’s house and she’s in a bra and panties drinking wine and Mike asks her to “be with him” and he compliments her on smelling so nice and mentions its been so long since he’s been with such a beautiful woman.  He then kisses her and goes right to third, rubbing her pussy through her panties.

Tianna is not what one would called a subdued sexual performer, and she lets out a series of little gasps and energentic movements as she gets Mike’s cock out of his pants to blow him and get him hard  She lets out a little giggle every now and then too.  PT (who directed) allows a shadow or two to get in the way of the action, but [perhaps we can see that as symbolic, as Tianna isn’t able to get Mike hard.  He pulls back and asks for a breather.  This takes Tianna back a bit and she excuses herself.

Back to Roxanne who is now blowing a rock-hard Nick, taking him virtually down to the root.

Back to Tianna and Mike; and she’s pouring baby oil down her ass (and what a great ass it is!) and talking dirty to Mike, trying to get him interested.  This generally isn’t something porn does (at least non on purpose) – having a girl talk dirty to get a guy hard.  She pulls out a silver dildo and buries it in her ass which finally get’s Mike’s dick’s attention.

Roxanne and Nick are now fucking on the floor in a position with Roxanne laying back and Nick plows into her sideways.  This shows off Roxanne’s awesome body (she has fantastic tits) and is having a good time.

Mike is now fucking Tianna’s ass with the dildo and she’s crying in ecstasy as he spanks her ass.

Finally, Roxanne jerks Nick off and he cums in the direction of her face. We could use a little less of Nick’s O-Face and more of the cumshot… they have a little cuddle and a kiss as he leaves the room.

Tianna is now begging Mike to fuck her, but he’s still soft, and she’s pretty emotionally distraught by it; they keep kissing for a little bit, but then he just shakes her off as she grabs a pillow and wonders what she did wrong.

Then Roxanne is masturbating with a pink dildo up her ass, and she has a great sheen of sweat across her breasts as Nick comes back in and the camera pans away from Round 2.

Roxanne is behind the counter in an adult bookstore and talking to the clerk who asks if she’s going to be there all week.  She explains her assignment runs out, and she’ll have everything she needs for an article she’s helping to research on women who go into sex shops, what they buy, etc.  The clerk says she should go talk to “that guy; he’s never been in a place like this before” and motions her over Mike.

She goes over and asks him if she could help him.  He is stunned at the beautiful woman who is offering assistance, and he stammers out that he needs a cock ring and can’t find them.  She takes him over and asks what kind he prefers, and he goes to the old standby which he makes dryly hilarious “It’s not for me, it’s for my friend.  My brother…  It’s his birthday…” She asks how big his brother is and he makes a “I caught a fish this big” motion, and she corrects him by asking about girth. He comes clean and says it’s not for his brother, and he smiles at her.  She tells him that he probably doesn’t need a cock ring, he needs a good fuck.  He asks if that’s an offer, and she rebuffs him saying she’s not that kind of girl and she has a boyfriend.  He retorts that he knows exactly what kind of girl she is, and she runs off and calls her editor asking to be taken off the sex shop assignment because she doesn’t want to go back… she’s told to go back as its only for a few more days.

She goes back, and now Stalker Mike is back, looking for toys and/or lubes.  He starts picking things off the wall and he asks about desensitizing spray.  He’s kind of all creepy leers now and hands her a pair of handcuffs and Roxanne says she’s thought about it.  He makes fun of the pocket mouth toys and he asks her back to a more pivate part of the store and he comes up behind her and asks her to come home with him.  She says no, but doesn’t do anything as he slides her strap off her shoulder and reveals her breast.  This is amazingly hot.  He gets his hand down the front of her jeans and she just leans back against him and enjoys the ride.  Mike makes a date with her for later that night as she puts herself back together.

She shows up at the otherwise empty restaurant and she asks “Did you break into this place?” which is kind of funny and he explains he owns it, but keeps it set up so he can sell it. He says he doesn’t know what to call her and she says “Justine.”  When he starts to say his name, she cuts him off and tells him she doesn’t want to know a thing about him.

They have a sexually charged bit of foreplay as he asks to see her legs and she asks if he wants to touch them.  This is a scene, and movie really, of incredible restraint.  She puts her fingers insider herself for a moment and asks Mike if he’s like a taste and she puts his fingers in his mouth.  She stands, hikes up her dress to show off her ass and they have a go of it.  Mike fucks her on the table and cums inside her (we don’t see it) which seems to make things a little bit too real for her.  She gets spooked and pushes him away and says they can’t see each other again.

She gets home and calls Nick and Mike goes to the sex shop and  tries to get info on her, but the counter-man says he doesn’t have any female employees.  Mike goes to the restaurant to show it to a prospective buyer and notices a card in the door saying “I’ll see you at 9 (heart) Justine.” And we cut to them at the restaurant and he has some dinner prepared.  She tells him she’ll call him “Mac” since it’s generic enough; and she starts to feed him some shrimp.  He then rubs some shrimp on her fish taco (sorry) and feeds it to her.

The scene banters with a certain arrogance and Mike has trouble unwrapping a pink dildo, so she grabs it from him, releases it from its packaging  and starts to use it as Mike looks on but then he brings her out back, grabs some champagne and as he’s doing that, Justine cuffs him to the railing. She then runs out of his reach and starts to fellate the dildo and then rams it back home. After a bit, she comes down the railing and starts to blow Mike, taking almost his whole cock into her mouth.  She makes awesome eye contact through this, kisses his balls a bit then stands up and asks him “if he’s ready to fuck [her] now”  He nods, she uncuffs him and leads him up to a landing on the steps and he takes her from behind.  He pulls out and she drops to her knees to give him some head.  Since he’s a little soft, she takes him entirely into her outh which makes him rock hard and then he cums, but none of it flies far enough to hit its target.

Cut to her screaming in delight as she’s sitting on the industrial sink in the kitchen diddling herself while applying a high pressure stream of water to her clit.  THIS IS WAY TOO SHORT!  (But I appreciate its inclusion in establishing the purely sexual nature of their relationship.)

Cut to them eating on the deck, and he asks Justine if she’s fuck another man for him.  He doesn’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want to do, but then she ponders that it wouldn’t be terrible… especially if there was another couple there, instead of just a guy.  Mike laments he doesn’t know anyone who would go for it, and Justine offers to ask down at the sex shop.  Mike seems touched by this — “You’d do that for me?” he asks — and she replies “There is a LOT I would do for you.”

So at this point, she’s in this relationship DEEP… and she doesn’t even know his name.

She goes into a satchel and pulls out a buttplug.  He dips it into the butter they were using for the crab and slips it in her ass; she giggles as it goes in.  She sits down on it with a little smile, and he tells her to keep it in until he sees her tomorrow and think of him anytime she feels it.

The next day, she’s in the tub and the phone rings and Nick East is on the phone.  He says he called last night and she (too easily?) makes up an excuse about being at the sex shop finishing the research for the article, and he mentions some car repairs are going to be $400.  She mentions that they don’t really have that money and he says that maybe his dad could help.  She says “sure” and he asks if she’s given any thought to his proposal.  She says she doesn’t want that kind of pressure.  As she towels off, we see the buttplug in her ass.  He asks what she’s wearing, and she makes up an outfit.

The phone rings:

“Hello, Jolie?  This is Simon Brook, David’s father?  He tells me you need a little cash to get the car out of the shop?”

OH NOES.  She seems to put it together and hangs up on him.

She is standing in a parking lot and Simon pulls in.  He was hoping for her to have an overnight bag, and she’s empty handed.  She agrees to go for a drive, but she’s obviously troubled.

Cut to Tianna who is a little drunk on the phone, telling the story of her failed tryst with Mike and pondering if she should call him.  She carries around a GIANT cel phone – with huge battery pack.  She gets Mike’s answering machine and doesn’t leave a message.

Nighttime now, and Justine is in a short skirt and heels and poolside.  Mike comes up behind her and she says “It’s so beautiful here, Simon.”  (I may be wrong, but I don’t recall him telling her his real name.)  “YOu’re worried abot something.  Want to tell me about it?”  “We have gotten ourselves into an awful mess…. we’re not anything anymore, it’s over.  You gotta let me go.”  “Tomorrow.  Whatever it is, it can wait until tomorrow” and they begin to kiss passionatley.

Tianna is now dusting in her red bra and panties and trying to find a girlfriend to do something with, as she’s getting antsy.  (She’s talking on a GIANT cordless phone.)  She tries to watch some scrambled porn on the TV and calls her friend back and whinily agrees to meet her at a bar.

Cut to some peach trees and Justine is picking her own, and when she returns poolside, Mike introduces her to a pair of couples, Alex Sanders /Lacy Rose and Brad Armstrong / Dyanna Lauren.  Alex, Brad and Dyanna are still active in the industry and it’s amazing so see them 20 years (GAAAH!) younger.  Dyanna is free of any of the cosmetic enhancements she’s gotten over the years, and she drunkenly falls over a chair as everyone laughs.

Cut to Tianna being walked to to the door by PT, whom she met at the bar, and he assumes he’s going to be invited inside to fuck her, and she’s not so sure about that.  (“You don’t even know my real name!”) He mentions that “you gotta take what you can get, you’re no spring chicken…” and she slaps him with a “FUUUCK YOU.” and leaves him on the stoop as he yells after her    “Fuckin bitch!  You’re not getting any younger!”

(This scene has stuck with me since I first saw it.  It’s a throwaway scene that adds nothing sexually to the plot, it brings in a character we won’t see again for the rest of the movie (sure,  he directed it, so it’s not like they paid a guy for these 5 lines) who talks to a chharacter who is really secondary to the plot (we’re never led to believe that this movie is telling Tianna’s story too until this point.)  and talks to a lot of different “grown-up” issues in a short series of lines — loneliness, horniness, aging — that realy surprised me for being in a porn film.  This was one of those times that I realized that porn didn’t have to be mindless, and there could be an non-sexual emotional element to the stories they tell.)

Cut back to the swingers who aren’t quite sure how to start the sexing.  Dyanna grabs Roxanne’s hand says she’s going to take her to the bathroom and give her a shower.  Mike shoots that down saying everyone has to stay together, but Lacy steps in and says that Roxanne needs some pampering.  With the boys alone on the couch, Brad asks Mike if  “he  — (awkward hand gesture)” and Mike says “No, no…”  Then Dyanna pulls the boys off the couch and tells them to just watch for a while as the two girls service Roxanne.  (This begins Scenes 5-8 of the IAFD scene breakdown)

Mike asks Brad if he’s done this kind of thing for long, and Brad replies for about “five years; since before we were married.”  Mike is taken aback that she’s his wife, and Brad goes on to explain how he loves watching another man fuck her and cum in her, and that sloppy seconds is his most favorite time to fuck her since he can feel her all slick with another man’s cum.  Heady stuff.

The girls have a great time with each other (Scene 5), eating each other out and probing one another’s orfices and Mike is having a hard time watching, he seems to be getting impatient — or is it jealous? —  and he moves closer to the couch.  Brad walks over to one side of the couch and undoes his pants, so Dyanna starts blowing him (Scene 6).  Roxanne is buried in Lacy’s snatch, and Alex is eating Roxanne out (Scene 7), so Mike is kind of cockblocked out of participating, and Alex whips out his cock and starts taking Roxanne from behind as she’s still buried in Lacy; and Lacy is eating Dyanna who is eating Brad.  It’s a big chain with guys on both end, and Mike is left out in the cold… So he does all he can, which is touch Roxanne’s hair and ask her how much she loves being fucked by another guy.

Roxanne doesn’t seem to have any make up on this sequence, and she looks really fantastic in a natural state.  She mounts Alex in a reverse cowgirl (man, she looks great) and finally Lacy begins to pay some attention to Mike and blows him (Scene 8) while Brad is fucking Dyanna doggie style, her natural tits swaying to and fro.

Lacy gives Mike a two handed handjob to completion (he cums on her shoulder mostly, she clean him up) while Roxanne stands behind him.  It’s an amazingly erotic little sequence.  Finally Brad cums on Dyanna’s box.  Alex is then very briefly fucking Lacy’s ass with a horrendously condom covered cock (did they not have transparent condoms back then?!?) and then Lacy and Roxanne start to orally service Alex as Dyanna strokes his chest — you’ve never seen a guy look so relaxed — and he eventually cums as Lacy jerks him off while her and Roxanne’s tongues clean him up.  The girls are all smiles as they share a  kiss. It’s a really great visual, probably the best in the movie.

They’re poolside and Mike is sitting away from the rest of the group.  Roxanne comes over, and he’s pouting that she had “too good a time.”  He’s pissed that she didn’t fuck him, and he bends her over and administers a spanking.  She likes it and it draws the other folks over.  She sits on his lap and they start to make out.

Dissolve back to Tianna who is trying to leave a message on Mike’s machine, but can’t get past “Hi.”

Mike has Roxanne blindfolded and he’s behind her and telling a story about how trainers only train their horses at night, since there are too many distractions during the day.  Roxanne asks if he wants to “train her or ride her” and he drops the L word on her.  He loves her. She says she’s sorry and that’s she’s been here too long.  She has to go, and he doesn’t have to drive her.  He can’t seem to figure out that the L word has knocked their world off its axis.  they arrive back at the restaurant, and he’s pissed that she’s pulling away from him.  He’s getting a little psycho, he’s pissed he doesn’t know her how to get in touch with her, her real name, anything. She storms out of the car saying “You don’t OWN me!” and as he pulls away she chases after him and then professes her love for him – “I really do love you, Simon.  Please, always remember that.”  He says they can fix it and work it out.

She’s all mixed up inside.  Back at her house, she calls her father and asks to come home for awhile.  Not a vacation, she needs to leave the area.  He says her stepmother is “in a state” and it’s not a good time.  Roxanne is upset that her father would side with her stepmother and not his daughter.  Then Nick East returns early, and she’s very excited to see him.  Meanwhile, Mike is waiting at the restaurant, and Roxanne doesn’t show up; she’s sitting on the bed, in conflict, post-coitus with Nick asleep on her lap.

 

 

Contact Sheet for NTH2 over at PixHost (Site has pop-ups…)

Today on Spice Radio: Ten Little Maidens (1985)

Whatever Ginger wants, Ginger gets…

At Ginger’s request, today on Spice Radio XM103’s YouPorn, we’ll be talking about Ten Little Maidens, a semi-hard to find John Seeman film from 1985.  The film is loosely based on Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None (later remade as Ten Little Indians) where a group of people are sent to Indian Island and accused of murders.

Our movie starts on a more light-hearted note, with Kitten Natividad as a mail carrier going on her appointed rounds.  She stops at Harry Reems‘ house and she can’t but notice that he’s eating Ginger Lynn out on the couch.  Kitten can’t help but try to hit them with their mail as she peeps through the mail slot.  (Who could resist?)

Harry is eating Ginger out as he gets hit with the mail, then moves to a quick bout of fucking before Ginger returns the oral favor.  Lots of smiles from both parties throughout the blowjob.  Ginger is in her prime and Harry can’t shut up during the scene — “Look at that little mouth!” — but she gets him hard again before she lowers herself down on his cock for some cowgirl.  She gyrates her hips around before going face down on the couch so Harry can take her side-saddle doggie style.  There are some odd cuts of Kitten’s eyes peeping in intercut throughout. Ginger lets out these great little squeals as she’s getting fucked and finally Harry pulls out and jerks off all over back, hitting her hair.

They have a little snuggle afterwards and then Harry starts going through the mail — all bills — until he reads a letter offering an all-expenses paid trip to a “little ole island paradise” “You are herewith cordially invited to an all-expense paid erotic orgy to be held on Bacchanale Island on the weekend of May the seventh …  In anticipation of your acceptance, I have enclosed airline tickets for both of you and a friend of your choice.  Upon your arrival, a boat will be awaiting  you at Marina del Sol for your passage to my island of sensual pleasures.  I, my wife and my staff look forward to your joining on this most auspicious occasion.”

And they’re off!

There’s a sailing montage as they get to out the island of Harry and Ginger snuggling on the boat as a female vocalist sings on the soundtrack.  Harry and Ginger ooze an easy chemistry, with a lot of smiles and good vibes.  Eventually the snuggling and good times heats up as Ginger pulls out his cock and starts giving it a sucking as the captain tries not to look too interested in the proceedings…  there’s a lot of good eye contact in the blowjob, but it comes to an abrupt end as they approach the island.  Renfro (Jamie Gillis) approaches in a Zodiac, boards the yacht and welcomes them by name to the island.  Harry is somewhat taken aback as he didn’t pass along Ginger’s name, but Jamie explains the master of the house likes to know who his guests are.  Jamie grudgingly carries the bags up a steep hill, and when they arrive at the house, they are introduced to  the maid, Tabitha (Nina Hartley), who shows them to their room.

Harry asks Nina about the other guests, but she doesn’t know about any other guests.  This strikes Harry as odd.  They find some other folks lounging and swimming by the pool, but ominous chords on the soundtrack and a mysterious person pulling down a window shade let us know something might not quite be right.  Ginger excuses herself to take a shower as Harry goes out to get the lay of the land.

More peeping as we see Ginger, naked in the bathroom, through a peephole.  She lathers herself up in the shower when Janey Robbins comes in and grabs her ass.  She thinks it’s Harry and gasps when she turns around to see that it’s not.  She puts up no fight when Janey climbs in the shower with her, and soon the two are really getting to know one another.  This is a quick scene with no real payoff.

Cut to the kitchen where Nina is putting some chickens into the oven while Jamie tries to eat her ass.  To give him something to do, she gives him one of the chickens, and Jamie fucks it while staring at Nina’s ass.  Nina keeps swatting him away, and he finally cums on the chicken, much to Nina’s amusement as she puts it back in the oven.

Ginger is getting dressed for dinner in a costume provided for her, and shows Harry this dildo that she slides up inside her and pulls her panties up over.

As everyone sits around the table in strange costumes that reveal quite a bit of themselves, a mysterious hand presses PLAY on a cassette deck and we hear the voice of their host, Mr. U.N. Seen apologize for not making the erotic gathering after all, but, rest assured, that they will feel his presence as festivities progress, and in his absence Tabitha and Renfro will be able to sate their every thirst.

There are ten statues of naked women around the room, “you know, the Ten Little Maidens, from the erotic nursery rhyme!” says Amber Lynn to Eric Edwards as she is grazing the inside of his thigh.

Ginger asks Jamie for some salad dressing and he offers creamy Italian, which of course, he takes to the kitchen and jerks off on the salad.  Everyone around the table starts to get turned on by the food, and it turns into a giant food orgy.  The couples seem to be Harry and Ginger, Paul Thomas and Amber LynnRichard Pacheco and Janey Robbins, and Eric Edwards and Lisa De Leeuw.

Harry starts giving Janey the eye, and PT and Amber start eating in a viciously seductive way, taking bites of their chicken, and then the orgy begins.

Ginger starts sucking Pacheco while Eric and Lisa are going crazy over a corncob.  PT starts in on Amber’s tits, pouring wine all over them.  Janet shoves Pacheco’s cock into a peach and then gives him head while Amber fellates a cucumber.  Ginger is trying to suck Harry to hardness, while Lisa does the same to Eric.  Jamie and Nina come in and join the fun.  Jamie starts sicking a pig’s snout as Nina dives into Lisa’s bush.  Jamie goes back and forth licking the pig, then licking Amber’s ass.

Nina is eating Ginger while Pacheco fucks Janey while she blows Harry.  Ginger is also masturbating with a corncob.  Harry, on the table,  leaves Janey and turns his attention to Amber who is sucking him while PT fucks her.  Jamie takes amber off the table, lays the sucking pig on her back and starts fucking her and shoving grapes into her mouth as everyone else cums on their partners.  Jamie then eats Amber and licks the pig, finally cumming on the pig’s snout and Amber’s twat.  Harry them cums on Amber’s tits.

After dinner, Eric toasts his host and hostess in their absence, and the mysterious hand press play on a tape from an envelope marked “After Dinner”

On the tape, Mr. Seen announces that no one will leave the island alive, as they’ve all led evil, erotically charged lives, and it is time for them to pay for their crimes.  Right after the tape is over, Pacheco collapses, and PT determines that Pacheco was poisoned by arsenic.  Janey is nonplussed and heads off to bed and Eric follows her up.  Harry and Ginger follow suit, leaving PT kneeling over the body.

Up in their room, Janey has Eric tied spread-eagle onto a bench made specially for that task and is blowing him.  She swallows him down to the root a few times, then climbs on reverse cowgirl, her nipple piercings swaying with each bounce.  Eyes appear behind a painting, and there’s a knock at the door.  She dismounts and lets Amber in as the eyes continue to watch through the painting.  Eric makes his dick stand up when Amber comes in, which makes her happy, since it’s polite to stand when a lady enters the room.

Amber sits herself down and Janey grabs a banana and inserts it into Amber, who then takes over and uses it as a dildo as Janey covers Eric’s cock with whipped cream, and then sprinkles some nuts on it, which seems redundant.  Janey then instructs her to stand over Eric so he can eat the banana while Amber eats his banana.  (Symmetry!)  Eric is mostly soft through this scene, but Amber does her best to cover up that fact.  Janey then covers Amber’s buttcheeks with whipped cream and she goes to town cleaning it off, while Eric focuses on Amber’s snatch.  Janey makes Amber sit up, freeing up Eric’s dick so Janey can ride it, while putting whipped cream on Amber’s tits which she licks off.  Finally, we cut to a dick cumming, but it is very difficult to put the dick in context.  It looks like it is in a bunch of whipped cream, but it’s abstract at best.

The next morning, Nina is sweeping the pool deck when she discovers Jamie’s dead body with a rubber duck stuck on his cock.  Harry deduces he died of strangulation based on how tightly the duck is on his cock.  He and Ginger make their way to the dining room where the find a broken statue.  PT hatches a plan to find their assailant.

We next see Eric pulling Amber’s body out of the pool.  “Oh no!  Not Candy!  What a waste!” (He grabs a skimmer) “Come here little fishy!”

PT and Nina finish searching the house, and PT does his best Cary Grant into a mirror prompting Nina to exclaim “What a great Peter Lorre!”

Her grieving is over as she determines the best course of action is a siesta seducing PT.  Nina’s marvelous ass is on nicely on display here as she blows PT; but we see someone looking at them thru a one-way mirror.  The cocksucking is brief, but only so she can dance and show off her ass more and its wonderful tan line. She rides PT briefly on the canopy bed before he takes her doggie style. They have a brief but vigorous shag, and he throws her off the bed as he jerks off.  He collapes on the bed after he cums, and the canopy falls on him and kills him.

Cut to Nina cleaning up the remnants of another broken maiden.

Nina is scared to be alone, so she and Janey go up to her room and have a go at things. Janey ties a bandana around Nina’s next and puts a cowboy hat on her and has her enter a cage and ride a white fur spring mounted saddle with a dildo attached.  Janey wraps her breasts around a pole and plays with her nipples so the rings clink together; and then we see someone else peeking in through a hole in the wall.

Cut to Harry and Ginger releasing some tension in the sauna.  Lots of kissing here as Harry massages her breasts.  I don’t know if Ginger ever looked better.  Harry slides a finger down to her clit and makes nice while making out with her.  He works his mouth down there as she lays back and enjoys it.

Back to Janey and Nina, and Janey now has a snake wrapped around her, as she makes Nina ride harder and harder so she can cum.  As Nina’s riding, she begins to notice the snake wrapping itself tighter around Janey…

Back in the sauna, Ginger is blowing Harry, and in the bedroom, Nina and Janey have moved onto the bed, and the snake is nowhere to be found., but they do find a double dildo-vibrator which they use… until it electrocutes them.  (D’oh!)

In the sauna, Harry has Ginger in a standing 69 that doesn’t last nearly long enough, as a hand sneakily turns the thermostat up, causing steam to rise as they’re going at it doggie style.  Steam obscures the frame, and we hear a cat meow… since we hear the cat meow after every death so far, we have to assume that our leads are dead…

Lisa bursts into the bedroom where Eric waits out an electrical storm handling a gun.  When there’s nothing to do but wait, the only thing to do is fellate, and Lisa goes to town on Eric’s cock.  No wood problems here.  She takes him off the bed, opens her robe, and lies back on a chair.  He massages her great tits for a bit before moving downtown.  He gets a weird taste, as he remembers a story PT told about how the French women in WWII would put arsenic on their genitals killing the man who eats them out.

Lisa knocks over a maiden and has a glass of wine when Harry and Ginger burst in, much to Lisa’s dismay.  She blathers for a moment about how they’re all immoral and deserve to die before she drinks some poisoned wine and offs herself.

Harry and Ginger jump in the Zodiac and head back out to the yacht which takes them back to the mainland.

The End.

To be honest, I was hoping for a bit more from the movie.  All the sex scenes seemed too short and not particularly paced well.  There were moments in all of the sex scenes which were good, but they never really lasted.  Thus the problem shoehorning 10 scenes and plot into an 84 minute film (more like 80 when you take out the credits.)

This could be considered a parody, tho I think it more of an homage.  It sticks pretty close to the story laid out in And Then There Were None, tho with sex and a bit more humor.

We were a little rushed this week, since it was my first time on with Christy, so next week, we’ll be on at 11:30 AM Pacific / 2:30 PM  Eastern for a half hour chatting about  Christy and my favorite movie of hers, Comeback.