Category: Movie Reviews

Tonight on Playboy Radio’s Night Calls (Sirius XM 102) we’ll be discussing Svetlana’s 1986 opus Miami Spice, starring Amber Lynn, Danielle and Sheri St. Clair.

We’ve talked about Svetlana before (previously, previously) so we know she’s known for shot-on-film, plot-driven movies with a generally decent budget and this is no exception.  Miami Vice, before it was a big-screen movie with Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx, was a TV show in the mid-80s that served to re-define a large segment of pop culture.  White sports coats , docksiders with no socks and two-day stubble became the costume of a nation who was looking to series lead Don Johnson for fashion cues.

The movie opens with four drug dealers playing cards for coke (“I’ll raise you a gram….“) and they get busted by Sheri St. Clair who jumps into a red Lamborghini Countach with Amber Lynn behind the wheel and they take off through Miami for our credits sequence.  The soundtrack does a decent job of aping Jan Hammer’s synth heavy score for the series; but where the art direction of the series was all pastels, the palate here is much more conventional.

After the credits, we catch up with Amber briefed by her boss, Robert Bullock, who assigns her the task of bringing down one of the bigger drug dealers in Miami, and Amber  is happy to take the gig, on the condition that she gets to pick the girls that she works with.  Also in the office (pleased with Amber’s request) is Bullock’s secretary, Barbara Dare, who bears a very strong resemblance to Sheri St. Clair, almost to the point of distraction.  (What a sexy, smoky voice Amber has.  In fact, almost all the girls have smoky voices in this movie.  This is a movie with a lot of talking.)

Cut to Randy West in a jewelry store — with a giant porn stache! — looking at watches, and buying a very expensive one to impress (a stoned?) Danielle into having dinner with him that night.  It’s hard to get over how young everyone is.  Randy used to be a young stud (he wasn’t yet 30 when this was made) and not the old man we’ve come to know thru his Up and Cummers series…

The Countach follows his Lincoln Town Car home as he has dinner with Danielle.  There’s a lot of on location and public shooting, as we see the cars driving around.

At dinner, Danielle — a blonde, slightly hard looking gal — sensually narrates her eating a strawberry as Randy gets increasingly turned on.  He says he’d like to try that, but not with strawberries, but “Pussy.  I love nibbling on pussy!”  After that kind of dinner talk, how could any gal resist?  (Randy here almost seems like a Will Ferrell character, a more sexualized Ron Burgandy, perhaps.)

He pulls out his cock and introduces it as “It’s lean, it’s mean and a damned love machine!”  She reaches for it, but he recoils, saying she hasn’t shown him hers yet, so she pulls her panties aside and introduced her quim with “It’s cute, it’s pink and as cute as you think!”  As he eats her out, she lets loose a stream of dirty talk as she says what she wants him to do to her, and he says that all he seems to want is for her to “put it in her mouth” so she obliges, and she displays some MIGHTY FINE tongue action, while taking him in her mouth at points as well. My only complaint, if I had to have one, is that she doesn’t deep throat him… Randy’s not the largest cock in the business, and it just seems like it never occurred to her to put it all in her mouth, just three quarters.

They move to reverse cowgirl on the patio furniture, and we’re treated to a good mix of full body shots and loving pans down their writhing bodies while the synth music plays and they transition into doggie, as he uses her garter belt as reins.  The doggie is great as it is so slow — she slowly backs herself onto his cock, really taking her time, which plays really well, and she gets more eager as they get into it.  She drops to her knees and he drops a small load onto her tongue.  (Some things never change.)

Cut to Amber and Sheri on the stakeout (Sheri: “What are they doing in there?!?“) making bored small talk about Randy’s staying power.  Amber says “If they are having fun, I’m going to fuck this guy before the case is over.  The last guy came in his pants before I got his dick out.“)

Randy and Danielle leave the house, and he’s planning a pool party and needs her to get some drugs.  She’s happy to oblige — “How much?” she asks, “Two kilos?”  Randy almost has a heart attack at the quantity;  “If we’re going to party” she says, “then let’s party!”  Two kilos it is.

Amber and Sheri visit his house the next day and ring the bell.  When no one answers, they go around back to find Randy sunning himself by the pool.  Amber goes right in — “Would I like to put my lipstick on his dipstick!” and Sheri is not successful in holding her back.  She wakes Randy up by straddling him pantyless as Sheri puts a handcuff around his erect dick.  This, as you might imagine, freaks him out a bit, but the plays along as Amber gently strokes him and fellates him – y’know, in order to prevent him from becoming flaccid and slipping out of the cuffs — and he says he’ll help them sting the drug lord, but for a price — the day with Amber and Sheri.  Sheri gets offended and pushes him in the pool as Amber wastes no time slipping out of her dress and sitting naked on the diving board.  She opens her legs to a synth flourish and the porno music starts.

Amber looks awesome here.  She’s still all-natural — the surgeons haven’t gotten their hands on her yet — and tan all over as Randy swims over and starts eating her out.  Shei strips down to bra and panties and slides down the slide and swims over to Randy and Amber and starts making out with Randy.  She swims him around as Amber goes down the slide, and there’s a bit of underwater photography of everyone swimming around which culminates in the movie’s best known scene — the underwater blowjob.  The girls take turns blowing him as Randy holds himself up on the diving board.  Eventually, he turns himself around — feet on the side of the pool, still hanging on to the diving board — and the girls take over blowing him up in the open air.  Amber easily take his cock down to the root so he’s balls deep in her mouth, and Sheri (to my frustration) stays in her bra and panties.

Amber and Randy switch spots so he can return the favor, and Sheri gets in some licks on Amber’s nipples before Randy flips back around; but this time, Sheri comes up from underneath Randy to plant herself on his balls.  This is truly an awesome and novel position, which they stay in as Amber jerks him off on her face.  This is a better load than earlier, so it’s safe to assume they shot this during the day before the Danielle scene at night.

Cut to the cabin of a yacht where Danielle and her favorite drug lord, Eric Edwards, are talking, and she’s bragging that she’s made a sale for two kilos and he jealously asks her if she had to fuck the guy to make it.  She’s not sure she should tell him, but he insists, so she tells him about it as she makes little designs on his leg, which leads to her rubbing herself thru her pants as she tells Eric the steamy details of her and Randy’s dinner then fucking, and Eric starts rubbing his cock thru his pants as she tells the story, and she gets more and more worked up as more and more naked until finally Eric moves in for lunch and she chows down on the main course.

They fuck in doggie and missionary and he pulls out of her so she can jerk him off all over her bush and belly.  These are my favorite kinds of endings — totally organic, they’re fucking and then he cums, not a complete stop of the action to re-position for the cumshot…

Randy and Danielle drive by the yacht in a speed boat and Eric throws the package of coke down to them.  Suddently, we’re back in Randy’s house and Danielle introduces him to blonde Candie Evens and brunette Jeanette Littledove as two girls who will do anything for him.  There’s a lot of “what would you like us to do for you?” talk and Randy directs the girls.  (I am not sure if Jeanette was Amber’s sister-in-law at this point or not; Jeanette was involved for a long time with Amber’s brother, fellow performer Buck Adams)

Jeanette looks completely passive, just barely cracking a smile, while Candie is all giggles and enthusiasm.

Randy moves in to fuck Candie doggie style, and she’s still all bouncy and fun, but when he moves over to Jeanette, she really isn’t working it, she just takes it.  There’s an abrupt cut to Jeanette riding Randy pretty vigorously, but it’s the vigorous disconnected  action of a stripper giving just another lapdance.  Randy is trying to help things along with dirty talk, but it’s somewhat half-hearted.  Candie starts rubbing Randy’s thighs, but thinks better of getting her head down there, as Jeanette’s ass would undoubtedly crush her; but in a promising development, Randy falls out of her and Candie jerks him off on Jeanette’s ass and then cleans him off with some post-cum head. (Yay!)  So far, it’s the weakest scene due to Jeanette’s general disinterest, tho Candie does her best to save it.

The doorbell rings and Amber comes in, undercover in a super low-cut sweater and pink satin mini-skirt.  He shows her the coke and Amber pays for some as Danielle plays pool and notices the dealing.  She introduces herself, and Randy introduces Amber as “A doctor… a nose specialist.” Danielle seems taken by Amber and offers to take her to meet Eric on the yacht.  Cut to the marina where a lot of folks are milling about and the three girls (Danielle, Amber and now Sheri) get on the boat.  The boat leaves the dock, and Eric isn’t sure Danielle made the best play, but she assures him that the girls are loaded, and they go into the cabin to have some drinks.

Sheri is in a great looking mini skirt with a very tight top that shows off her great tits, and Amber is now in some knee high gold go-go boots.  They all sit around a little awkwardly drinking when Amber starts touching Sheri’s hand and Danielle takes that as a cue to turn on some music and show off her well-honed stripper moves as she gives Eric a blowjob.  Amber and Sheri pretend to look shocked, until Amber joins in, leaving Sheri on the couch pouting.  Why must they keep her sidelined?!

Amber really goes to town on Eric’s cock, taking him all the way down as Sheri defrosts a little and moves her hand down between her legs.  Finally her panties come off and she shows off her perfect little pussy (it really is delightful, you have to see it to believe it) as she watches Amber grind on Eric’s cock.  Finally, she can’t take it anymore and she goes over, pushes Amber off him with a playful “My turn!” and Danielle pulls Amber off to get herself eaten out while Sheri blows Eric.  There’s very little talking and very much synth music in this scene.

Eric lays Sheri down on the floor and has her legs pinned back as he just plows himself into her as she takes it all in.  It’s a pretty great angle, just watching his dick get swallowed by Sheri’s womanliness until he pulls out and strokes off onto her belly and shoulder.  She laps a little up.

Amber reports back to the boss and asks to borrow Barbara for the party that night… and we cut to the party where Randy is laying out the players and he works out a signal for them.  We see hot and buff  Tony Montana playing with a tray of coke as we pan around the party.  We also see Tony’s girlfriend, Blondi, playing in the pool.  Also among the party goers are Mike DeMarco and Porsche Lynn.

Suddenly, the pairings start to happen, and Tony and Blondi are going at it while Porsche and Mike are exploring each other as well.  We cut back and forth between the two pairings, with no live sound and overpowering synth music… but Porsche looks great as she swallows Mike’s dick, using her hand, and keeping her pinky up as they used to teach in charm school.  Porsche gets into Mike returning the favor, having her legs open as wide as possible and bucking her hips as he eats her, and then pinching his nipples as he fucks her.  We get some live sound, so we can hear her begging him to fuck her right before he pulls out and blows his load on her bush.

Then we cut to Tony and Barbi who are going at in a standing doggie, but she’s almost sidesaddle.  It’s their signature move — they do it in a lot of their movies — and it shows off her amazingly tight, lithe body as he nails her before blowing his load on her bush as well.

These two scenes were very short.

Cut to Eric and Randy making a deal, and Eric is curious why he has never met Randy in his travels, and Randy figures they must run in different circles.  Eric has the coke brought out with a line reading that will eventually enter society’s lexicon — but because an animated Comic Book Guy, not this movie —  “Best. Peruvian Flake. Ever.”

Eric asks Randy for the money, and he stalls, saying he left it in his wallet in the car — this guy must carry around $10,000 bills as walking around money — and Eric calls shenanigans just as Barbara and Amber bust in, ignoring Randy and going right to Eric.  In what might be the dumbest line ever, Randy whines “What took you so long?”  I guess Eric knows who the rat is…

Back in the boss’ office, he mentions (as if he’s half-asleep, wake up Robert!!) that he’ll have to tell the mayor about this case, and Amber slyly asks that he leave out some details.  He mentions not wanting to “blow their cover” and (you can see this coming, right?) Barbara coos that “I’d blow yours anytime, Captain.  In fact, Jennifer and I don’t have anything planned for tonight” and he offers to show them “the pistol that he has in his pants.”  And they violently go after his cock, to the point where it looks like it’s not attached to a person.  Then an abrupt cut to them fucking in a room with a giant mural of a moonscape (“They’re fucking on the moon!”) where Barbara is getting balled and Amber is adding oral support and after some brief missionary fucking (with Amber matching his thrusts from behind him) he pulls out and Amber jerks him off (a bit too violently, it seems) onto Barbara’s Bush.  (I couldn’t resist.)

THE END.

Yes, it’s as abrupt as that.

Final thoughts: it started out so strongly, and ended less strongly. On the plus sides, there are performers in this who are still working in modern times, and this is like looking at an old yearbook — everyone is trim and fit and young and hot looking (which is not to say they’re not these things now, but they’re less young than they were).  The hottest scenes were the ones where we could hear what’s going on, the ones where we couldn’t less so.  The scenes towards the end of the movie were rushed, almost like they were running out of film.

There is a Miami Spice 2, whichwe’ll talk about next time.