Tag Archives: john holmes

Today on Spice Radio: Naughty Girls Like It Big (1986)

Today at 11:30 Pacific / 2:30 Eastern on Spice Radio’s YouPorn (SiriusXM 103) I’ll be discussing Bob Vosse‘s 1986 movie, Naughty Girls Like it Big as it features today’s guest  Angel Kelly who will be talking with Ginger and Christy on their weekly Legends Show.

This movie also features John Holmes (who has his only scene in this movie with Angel) and I have to thank John’s biographer, Jill Nelson, for the title suggestion.

The plot is very simple – a group of college girlfriends get together and discuss the biggest cock they’ve ever seen.

It opens with Nina Hartley in a very nice red bra and panty set saying goodbye to Jim Malibu (who was also line producer on the movie) as he offers her additional money.  She says she doesn’t have time to go again as her college reunion is coming over, and he says the money is merely a bonus.  He leaves just as Porsche Lynn enters.  There’s squealing and hugging and Lili Marlene asks if it’s a private party and there’s more squealing and hugging and then Angel Kelly comes in, a little nervous.  Seems she’s a Lili’s younger sister who is currently attending City College and was just tagging along to meet Lili’s friends.  The girls ask Angel is one of the professors still plays grabass and she says he does.The girls then ask who Malibu was, and Nina explains he was a client… a very well hung client.

So Porsche jumps in and tells the story about the biggest dick she ever saw belonged to a guy named Lester (Tom Byron).  She was babysitting Lester’s younger siblings, since Lester was kind of slow and couldn’t babysit himself.  We dissolve to Tom drinking milk at a table (because all dimwits drink milk… look it up) and Porsche comes in and hits on him, asking why she doesn’t see him around school.He says he flunked a few grades, and she proceeds to ask him a bunch of leading questions that end up with her dropping her top and asking if he likes tits.  She teases him quite a bit, and its rather effective in its goals.  It’s a pretty hot intro.

This is young Tom, so he plays the confused teen pretty well.  She asks to see what’s in his robe, and he pulls his tighty-whiteys down, and she sticks her tongue out at him, and he grabs her head and pulls her into a kiss.  They make out for a bit and then she stops him so she can suck him off. About four sucks in, he says he’s going to cum, so she stops immediately to make sure she has ample time with this “little friend.”  I gotta give ’em points for attempting accuracy.  She then asks for him to meet her friend, Muffy; and she bends over the table and he just slides on in.  She instructs him to slow down, “to give your friend more time to play.”  She ends up reverse cowgirl on him, and Porsche has such a fantastic body.  Little heavy on the gyno closeups in this section — reverse cowgirl was designed for full body shots…

She tweaks her nipples as she turns around for regular cowgirl, and Tom finally manages to get a tit in his mouth… at about the same time she leaps off him and his cock starts spurting all over her ass and his legs.  We dissolve back to Nina’s apartment and Porsche reveals she married him.

Lili Marlene isn’t comfortable talking about it, especially in front of her “little sister” Angel so Nina tells about this one time — FLASHBACK! — when she hadn’t had sex for TWO DAYS, she starts to play with outfits in front of a mirror, trying on different attitudes, my favorite being a gum-snapping “Hey you!  Wanna fuck!?” followed by her purple-raincoat-clad “Lady Flasher!” She stops by a construction site in her Lady Flasher outfit (some surprisingly convincing rear projection, esp.for 1986), masturbates a little, and manages to catch the eye of Buddy Love and Mike Horner.  It’s every construction worker’s dream come true, and Buddy picks her right up, “Life’s too short to waste time!”

She wants to know “who’s first?” and Buddy says there is no first, she’s going to take them at the same time… and they drop trou as she drops to her knees, taking a cock in each hand.  (I’m not sure if I know any of my co-workers so well as to think I’d rub cocks with them with no prior planning.  Is this something we’d have talked about?  “I can’t wait until that day when some hot girl walks by and lets us fuck her at the same time!  Seeing your dick won’t be even a little awkward!”)

They waste no time, and after a little sucking and a little pussy licking, Buddy plunges right into Nina’s ladybits as she continues to suck off Mike.  This is a pretty energetic scene, and Nina gets into it.  We get a lot of nice body shots of Nina and her firm boobs shaking about. Position change and she’s blowing Buddy as Mike takes her from behind.  Position change again, and she’s on her back jerking off Buddy’s cock into her mouth while Mike cums on her belly. Dissolve to Buddy fucking a clean bellied-Nina and he pulls out and cums, allegedly.  The cumshot is dissolved between close-ups of his neck and his stroking cock over her belly, so we don’t really see anything.

They press Lili for details, but she again asks that they not talk about it in front of her “little sister” and Angel jumps in saying she’s not that little, and she’s not a virgin, and the first cock she saw (having only seen two) was very much like the ones they’re talking about.  “Big?  I mean HUGE.”

Angel Kelly and John Holmes in Naughty Girls Like It BigDissolve to City College, and Angel is in Professor Grabass’ classroom.  The Professor, Mr. Chester (John Holmes) comes in as she’s erasing the blackboard, and she starts to feel herself up when  he makes his move and  comes up behind her, slides his hands down the front of her pants, and asks her what she’s doing.  She demures.  He asks “What were you doing?  Fantasizing in my classroom? Playing with yourself?”  He leads it on so well, we can almost forgive the stupid sunglasses he’s wearing.

He says he keeps her in the front of class because he can’t stop thinking about her either, and she opens her dress, and his mammoth cock flops out of his pants (“It’s like a baby’s arm holding an apple!”) and after a little more talk, she drops to her knees and gets to work.  She’s lots of smiles here, and for my money, there’s nothing better than someone looking like they’re enjoying what they’re doing.

The scene has a playful vibe, and she looks up at him a lot.  She can’t get too much of it in her mouth, but she asks so sweetly, “Are you going to fuck me, Mr. Chester?” and he stands her up, unzips her skirt as she keeps jerking him off.  It really is amazing how big his dick is.  I’ve seen it countless times, but each time it surprises me.

He puts her up on his desk and she drops the bomb that this is “her first time” and he promises to be gentle.  This, sadly, shouldn’t be that difficult because his cock isn’t all that hard, so not a lot goes into her; a lot of the thrusting to begin with is just compression of his dick, and eventually, he gets to a point where it does slide in and out.  He stays clothed the whole time.  She moans about how nice he fucks her, and she smiles and lays back and enjoys it.  He stops fucking her and eats her out for a bit, getting her very wet and lubed up.  He turns her around for the “backdoor to paradise” and she asks if that way “will hurt” and he assures her it won’t, and after a misfire or two, he slips it in.  (Even Johnny Wadd had trouble finding the hole once in a while…)  He fucks her that way for a bit before shooting a very respectable load on her right ass cheek and thigh.

More pressing of Lili occurs, and she’s really uncomfortable; so Nina suggests what they need is her “toy bag for big girls” and Porsche and Nina attack Lili, and they’re all naked.  This is a little awkward for Angel — or Lili, even, who has been trying to protect Angel all night?  Not at all, and Porsche moves over to her as Nina eats Lili out.

I’ve always had a soft spot for Lili Marlene, and I think it’s because she looks just like my freshman year German teacher.  A little older, tall, blond, busty and Teutonic.  What a package. The girls pair off in various ways, and there’s a lot of moaning, but truth be told, no real connections.  I think it’s because they’re “acting” during the sex as opposed to just having sex… the dialogue distracts from the scene; and when they finally shut up, things start to move… and then Lili, on her way to eating Nina, briefly plays with Angel, and that seems a little out of character… but it’s only porn, right?

Once the mouths are well worked out, out comes the double-dong, and Lili starts fellating it, while Angel blows the other end… and suddenly the sisters are double-dong-ing it… if they weren’t so hung up on story leading up to this, the scene wouldn’t be so off-putting.  Lily seems to put off by all the sex talk that then seeing her sharing a dildo with her sister… little weird.  But Angel is totally game and looks really great, hips bucking against her sister’s…

Once all the girls are satisfied, the older girls all retire to the bedroom, and Angel stays behind to make a call… she calls someone and insists they come over to “my sister’s friend’s house” (so we haven’t dropped that notion) and after she goes back into the bedroom where the older girls are all going it, since breast fondling is what set Lili off.

Lili finally tells the story that when she tried modelling she was told her tits were too small, so she had them done.  Dissolve to a white room, and Ron Jeremy and his nurse Alexis Greco welcome Lili into his office.

Alex Greco is another starlet that didn’t have a long career – only 40 or so movies – and she wasn’t very porn looking.  She was an attractive girl you’d see in your office.

Lili Marlene, Ron Jeremy and the back of Alex Greco's HeadRon lays Lili down on his desk, and every time he touches her breasts, Lili squeals and squirms.  Alex gets into the act, eating out Lili and making out with Ron.  Ron is full of one liners – “We should do surgery now.  Would you like a local… or an express?” — and he helps Alex out of her nurse’s uniform.  Ron digs right into Alex’ box, focusing on her clit as he slides a few fingers into her.  Lili is behind her, massaging Alex’s perfect little tits.  Lili is feeling left out, and she has a breast just casually peeking out of her dress which is pretty hot.

Alex eats her out while Ron briefly fucks her from behind.  Then he turns her around and fucks her in a standing position as she noshes on Lili’s tits.  Then she lays back, and Lili returns the tit sucking favor.  Ron’s not plunging very deeply at first, but then the hammers hit home.

Lili finally demands satisfaction, she’s the patient after all; so she strips off her dress and gets into a position where Ron can fuck her doggie style while she 69s with Alex.

(I am always impressed with the bottom girl in this position, as it seems there is so many opportunities for a busted nose.)

As Lili goes to town on Alex’ ample bush, Ron moves himself around and sneaks the head of his cock into Lili’s mouth.  It’s a pretty awesome moment, and Lili doesn’t miss a beat with it.  Finally Ron pulls of Alex and cums which Lili is more than happy to lap up.

Back to the bed and the doorbell rings… it’s Angel’s boyfriend, Jerry Butler, who is lucky guy to walk into a four girl orgy.  The whole scene is pretty high energy and has a frenetic feel; there is always one girl in the throes of ectasy at one time; Jerry has a hard time keeping focus.  Everyone fights over his cock, and he ends up fucking Porsche and launching a big load (partially obscured by her head) over her torso, which the other girls clean up.

And then in the ultimate backhanded compliment, Angel leers “See ladies — doesn’t have to be big, to be good!” and we fade to credits which do a very good job of matching performer to name…

This was a very solid outing, and I wouldn’t hesitate in recommending it.  Everyone looked attractive, the director didn’t skimp on full body shots and paid attention to the faces of the performers — their most expressive parts! — and there’s not a lot to complain about here.

VOD available at HotMovies and AEBN; DVDs at Adult DVD EmpireAdultDVDMarketplace and XRentDVD

 

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Hot and Saucy Pizza Girls (1977)

[UPDATE: I had mentioned a Facebook group on the show, Adult Movies 1968-1988 that has a lot of presence from the talent from back then. Join us.]

Tonight on Playboy Radio’s Night Calls (SiriusXM 102) we’ll be talking about Bob Chinn’s 1977 classic Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls.  (Due to a pre-existing obligation on my end, we’ll be starting a little earlier than usual — 7pm Eastern, 4 pm Pacific.)

At the Club 90 panel discussion the other night, the panel was asked what their most favorite moment was during their time in the industry. Candida Royalle wasted no time and said her happiest memory was learning to ride a skateboard with Desiree Cousteau and Laurien Dominique for this movie.  So, I figured that was as good a reason as any to re-visit it.  And, boy, I wasn’t disappointed.  What a fun movie this is!  It just exudes charm and good times out of every frame.

VCX’s blurb does it justice:  “This is a comic look at the fast food business and rates one of the best films ever. John Holmes operates a pizza delivery service that adds very special toppings provided by the delivery girls – Desiree, Candida, Chris and Laurien. But Paul Thomas and the fried chicken people enlist the aid of the infamous San Francisco Night Chicken to drive the pizza operation out of business. The sex scenes are exceptionally ludicrous in the very entertaining adult movie.”

The script is jokey but not in an eye-rolling way.  The movie opens with Desiree (playing a character named Ann Chovy) interviewing for a job at the Country Girl Pizza Parlor, and John Holmes is having a hard time reading her application.  The writing is very small in the box marked “sex” because she wrote “only once, in Alabama” in an effort to be completely honest and forthcoming, because this pizza place doesn’t just serve pizza, they serve a little sex with their pies, and Desiree is looking to be hired as a delivery girl.

This interview leads into our first sex scene, where John buries himself in her bush, both orally and then (um) dick-ily.  After a little fucking, he has her drop to her knees and blow him (“We don’t have all day!” he says) as he blows a great shot into her mouth and down her chin.

SPOILER ALERT: She gets the job.

Next up, we see the bumbling Inspector Blackie spying on the girls as they leave for their delivieries; he’s accompanied by something that sounds eerily like The Pink Panther theme.  He reminds me of my friend Alan.

Next up, we get three scenes intercut of the girls making their deliveries.

First up, Candida Royalle (who could really pass for iCarly’s older slutty sister here) hooking up with Richard Pacheco.  Next, Laurien Dominique hooks up with Paul Thomas until he gets his friend Spender Travis to join in.  And finally, Desiree Cousteau talk and talks and talks to Carl Regal who is having a real hard time eating her out with all the talking she’s doing about how cunnilingus is illegal in Alabama.

We don’t spend too much time on any of the couplings, and they’re all pretty standard.  Candida and Richard go at missionary; Lauren has PT under her as she blows Spender, (who cums on her chin; ans PT on her ass).

We then cut to Vicky Lindsay as an old horny housewife, whom we meet as she masturbates with a carrot while she’s waiting for Christine DeShaffer to show up.  And Chistine walks in, drops the pizza box on the ground, confirms the order and vigorously eats her out for all of 20 seconds and then leaves.  I think the whole sequence was 90 seconds long.

Then we’re back and forth between Desiree getting eaten out and Pacheco humping away until Desiree finally gets to her knees and blows Mr. Regal.  Cut to Pacheco banging away doggy style, but we don’t stay with it very long so we can cut back to Regal’s blowjob which ends with him jerking off onto her tits and she cleans him off.  (The reaction shots “cross the axis” in their pairing, which is visually a bit jarring.).  Finally, Candida tells her customer “Hey, cowboy!  Time for the round up!” and after a spirited round of pumping and chorus of She’s Coming Round The Mountain, he pulls out and cums on her ass as she rolls her eyes.

The whole sequence, scenes 2-6 on the IAFD listing was 13 minutes long.  The one thing you could count on about classic porn, there was no time to be bored.  On the other hand, there was no time to really build up a rhythm and linger on a pairing you might really like.

More slapstick from Inspector Blackie, who is unable to close the antenna on his walkie-talkie, and he chases Candida and Christine down on his own skateboard with a hand-held siren/megaphone.  They talk their way out of it (“You need to catch us on the way out, not on the way back in.  We already delvered our ‘pizzas!’)

Lauren gets paid by PT and Spender who sit and chat with Pacheco about their failing Fried Chicken franchise; so they hatch a plan to get the girls off the street (“Cheap, hot pussy… how are you going to compete with thaaaaat?”) and protect their investment. So, they hatch a plan to call in the “Night Chicken” some sort of rapist… because rape is funny….

So, as Christine is skateboarding at night, we hear some ominous music and chicken clucks.  As she goes to investigate, she is pulled inside an alcove and feathers literally start to fly…

The next day, John and his partner (played by director Bob Chinn under the alias Danny Hussong) are making pizzas and taking orders when there’s a scream in the back and Christine cops to being raped by the Night Chicken.  John and Danny explain that they’ve been after the Night Chicken for 10 years and they want their revenge.

Cut to Christine, Candida and John sitting naked and talking about the Chicken, and then Christine starts sucking John’s cock, but Candida is pissed by this, so she rips Christine off of John’s cock, and spins her around to force her to give HER head while John fucks her… the girls move to a 69 so John can take Candida from the rear, and then John pulls out and cums on Christine’s mouth and chin.

PT gets off the phone with the Chicken who assures him that the girls will be off the street before the next day… but the boys are thinking they might want to fuck them one more time before they’re out of business…

Next up, Desiree runs into her neighbor — who just happens to be Inspector Blackie!  (and he has an awful feminine headboard on his bed…) After some discussion about how he’s never had pizza,  they strip, she blows him then rides him.  She is a cute little thing with really great tits (that may or not be fake…)  They go at it doggie style, then missionary and finally he cums on her bush.

So PT ordered a pizza and Christine delivers it.  When no one answers the door, she lets herself in and we cut to PT verifying his order (“You must be the special stuffed mushroom, deep dish surprise!”) while she’s sucking his cock.  From there, they go to doggie and she gives up the ass, which he cums on 5 minutes later.

Skating around at night, Laurien hears the clucking down the alley, and again there’s feathers flying.

Laurien goes back to the pizza place and bitches that John didn’t offer any protection at all, and he starts to apologize when Christine walks in, spitting feathers out of her mouth.  John and Bob go looking for the Chicken, but come up empty.

Another pizza order comes in from Vickie, so Christine goes out and once again attacks her, this time with a giant dildo that has a crank on it.  This scene is just as short as their other pairing.

So, now, it’s all over except for the plot.  Inspector Blackie stumbles around in the dark and Desiree, walking down the street, hears the clucking but luckily her neighbor, Inspector Blackie is there to save her; so they run off to Niagra Falls as John and Bob run in to the alley to confront the Chicken.

The end is silly, as they come out of the alley with a tape recorder, and you can pretty much see the wink, Bob says “You don’t think it was Inspector Blackie, do you?” and we cut to his car driving away, with the license plate BAHK.

Roll credits.

This is a movie that doesn’t ask anything of you, other than to sit back, relax, and let it play over you like a school play.  There’s an genial easiness to the whole endeavor that you can’t take it seriously.  There’s some fine sex in it.  It’s not modern day porno sex, it’s classic porno sex.  Just like  rock music today isn’t much like rock music from 1977, same goes for porno.

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Little Oral Annie

Little Oral Annie has crept into the last two segments, so we’re going to spotlight her in an effort to get past her so we can talk about other things. :-)

She first came onto my radar in I Like To Watch, which was one of the first pornos I ever saw.  From there, I would go to the local Ramada Inn and they had a vending machine which sold Cheri magazines (among others) so I’d sneak in, buy the mag, and go home and, er, read it.  In it was a monthly column written (?) by Annie giving advice on how to give good head and what her secrets were — she claimed she could unhinge her jaw like a snake which allowed her to swallow the likes of John Holmes; she suggested having your cocksucker wrap her lips around her teeth to avoid painful biting or scraping…

Notable appearances (in no particular order):

We spoke a little bit about Blake “The Wedge” Palmer, whose cock is shaped like a triangle… which — according to Debi who knows first hand —  is good since when you’re taking him up the ass, after half his cock is in, it looks like you’ve got a telephone pole up there when you’re only dealing with the skinny part of the triangle. :-)

As always, we ran out of time — something I have to work on, I suppose — so we didn’t segue what we’re going to talk about next time; but I think it’ll probably be about high school…

As always, your comments or ideas for future segments is appreciated and encouraged!