LIVE from their traditional locale in the suburbs of warm, sunny Nowhere Special, USA, the 8th annual Spank Bank Awards proudly presented by IAFD.com were held over the weekend. As always, there were a record number of pornstars receiving a record number of awards as well as the recognition that they all so richly deserve.
Before the awards show even started, an enormous amount of previously unannounced Technical Category awards was handed out to the winners as nominees arrived on the red carpet.
In typical, time honored fashion, Spank Bank Awards founder Gabriel Lan opened the festivities by welcoming everyone in attendance and thanking them for their contributions to the industry, peace on Earth, and humanity in general. Lan then introduced show host-for-life Missy Martinez, who opened with a touching, heartfelt monologue about mental health awareness, sex worker equality, and a plea for kindness and compassion towards one another. She then moved on to musings about manatees, having a butthole but no ass, and the ugly side of being ‘easy’.
Meanwhile, trophy girl Charlotte Sartre was backstage sticking the first two awards of the evening up her butt to bring to the stage. Several times during the show, Charlotte did double anal trophy presentation with relative ease, and even shove three trophies up her ass a handful of times, accomplishing triple anal trophy presentation without much difficulty. With an overwhelming number of awards being handed out, trophy stuffer Ryan Riesling had her hands full, so Ms. Martinez twice randomly thrusted at least a half dozen statues up her ass, walked out on stage and fired them off, in order, to the winners sitting in the audience.
As the last award of the night was handed out (The Dirty Little Slut of the Year), Missy sat down for a well-earned glass of wine and an entire platter of mozzarella cheeses sticks, while also thanking Charlotte and Ryan for their dedication and effort by peeing in their mouths.
Over one hundred Major Category award winners in all were handed out before the night was over, filled with record setting and record breaking performances, a few surprises, and a whole lot of good-natured, filthy, fun filled recognition to all of the hard working men and women of the adult film industry.
*Note: Spank Bank Awards are voted on by a panel of porn critics (me), noted adult film connoisseurs (me), outside adult industry media insiders (me), X-rated film fans (also me), and a committee chairman (you guessed it: me). Nominees who entice or influence the panel with any form of ‘sweet talking’, ‘sexual innuendo’, ‘buttering up’, or outright eluding to sexual favors greatly increase their chances of winning.
So, without further ado, here is the list of this year’s winners:
(Reverse) Cowgirl Connoisseur of the Year
Airtight Angel of the Year
Amazing Anal Artist of the Year
America’s Porn Sweetheart
Asian Empress of the Year
ATM Machine
Baroness of Licking Lady Ass
Big Dick Adventurist of the Year
Beautiful Blonde of the Year
Best All Around Porn Goddess
Best Body Built For Sin
Best Booty
Best DSL (Dick Sucking Lips)
Best ‘Fuck Me’ Eyes
Best ‘Just Got Fucked’ Hair
Best Legs
Best ‘O’ Face
Best Smile
Best Spitter / Drooler
Best Swallower
Best Vocals (While Being Railed With Cock)
Bewitching Brunette of the Year
Bionic Butthole
Blowbang / Bukkake Badass of the Year
Bondage Artiste of the Year
Boobalicious Babe of the Year
Born To Hand Job
Cock Worshipper of the Year (Best Whore Knees)
Contessa of Cum
Cosplay Queen
Countess of Contortionism
Creampied Cutie of the Year
Cuckold Queen of the Year
Customs Specialist of the Year
Deepest Throat
Dirty Distributor of the Year
Doctoral Degree in Dildology
Devastating Dick of the Year
DP Dynamo of the Year
Ebony Princess of the Year
Empress of Nipple Paradise
European Enchantress of the Year
Excellence in ‘Lawn’ Maintenance (Best Groomed Bush)
Exotic Femme Fatale of the Year
Facial Cum Target of the Year
Fetish Virtuoso of the Year
Fucking Nerd of the Year
Fun Sized (Spinner of the Year)
Gangbanged Girl of the Year
Gloryhole Guru of the Year
Group / Orgy Maestro of the Year
Guru of Gonzo (Director – Web/Gonzo)
Hardest Working Ho in Ho Biz
Instagram Girl of the Year
Latina Starlet of the Year
Life Sized Human Hand Puppet (Best Fistee)
Magnificent MILF of the Year
Master of Filth (Director of the Year – Body of Work)
Masturbator of the Year
Mattress Actress of the Year
Minstrel of Smut (Director – Plot Driven)
Mistress of the Strap On
Most Adorable Sexual Deviant
Most Awe Inspiring Gape
Most Beautiful Seductress
Most Comprehensive Utilization of All Orifices
Most Energetic Fuck Bunny
Most Fuckable Feet
Most Luscious Labia
Most Photogenic Nymphomaniac
Most Talented Tongue (Best Girl/Girl Kisser)
Most Underrated Slut
Most Volumptous Vixen
My (Wet) Dream Girl
Natural Born Cock Killer
Newcummer of the Year
Oral Authority of the Year
PAWG of the Year
Pay for Play Website of the Year
Pipe Laying Actor of the Year
Porn’s ‘It’ Girl
POV Perfectionist of the Year
Prettiest Girl In Porn
Prettiest ‘Whore Mouth’
Pretty In Pink (Prettiest Pussy)
Production Studio of the Year
Puppeteer of the Year (Best Hands/Fister)
Pussy Phenomenon of the Year
Queen of Cunnilingus (Girl/Girl Star of the Year)
Ravishing Redhead of the Year
Royal Majesty of the Stripper Pole
Sensational Scissorist
Servile Sub of the Year
Sharing Is Caring (Cumswapping Cutie of the Year)
Size Queen
Smooth As Silk (Best Bald Beaver)
Snapchat Sweetheart of the Year
Sovereign Dom of the Year
Super Squirter of the Year
Tattooed Temptress of the Year
The Dirtiest Player in the Game
The Dirty Little Slut of the Year
The Girl Next Door … Only Better
The Most Spanked To Girl of the Year
The Sexiest Woman Alive
The Total Package
Three Kielbasas in a Corridor (Triple Anal Pundit)
Threesome Savant of the Year
Tightest Twat
Tortured Fuck Doll of the Year
Tweeting Twat of the Year
Two Hot Dogs in a Hallway (Double Anal Prodigy)
Two Peas in a Pod (Double Pussy Precisionist)
VR Star of the Year
Webcam / Skype Show Girl of the Year
The Technical Awards
“10,000 Degrees Hotter Than The Chernobyl Meltdown”: Kira Thorn
“Horniest Ice Cream Loving, Stuffed Animal Cuddler”: Joseline Kelly
“Part Fairy, Part Angel…… Part Devil”: Gabriella Paltrova
“Quintessential ‘Lady in the Streets, Freak in the Sheets'”: Chanel Preston
(Red) Gatorade Spokesperson of the Year: Katrina Jade
A Living Ray of Sunshine: Jada Stevens
Best Alternative Use of Rope and Carabiners: Casey Calvert
Best At ‘Taking It To The Mattresses’: Valentina Nappi
Best Beach Booty: Tiffany Watson
Best Belfies: Karlee Grey
Best Birthday Suit: Jaye Summers
Best Blasting of a Twitter Troll: Alex Grey
Best Butthole Powered Food Processor: Sasha Heart
Best ‘Date Night’ Attire: Lisey Sweet
Best Display of Bathtub Twerking: Maddy O’Reilly
Best Display of Self Auto Correcting: Arya Fae
Best Display of Self Edging: Haley Reed
Best ‘Floor Exercise’: Vanessa Sky
Best ‘Game Worn’ Panties: Kenzie Taylor
Best Interlocking Grip … On And Off The Golf Course: Adria Rae
Best Laugh: Anya Olsen
Best Lingerie / Heels Collection: Ariana Marie
Best Low Maintenance Hairstyle: Riley Nixon
Best ‘Magic Wand’ Skills: Ella Nova
Best Masturbation Related Public Service Announcements: Dana DeArmond
Best New Starlet (Cam Show Edition): Casey Calvert
Best Part Time Movie Theater Job Co-Worker: Kimmy Granger
Best Pee Break Selfies: Ashley Fires
Best Piercing : Lolita Taylor
Best Potential SNL Host EVER!: Eliza Jane
Best Unicorn Impersonation: Katrina Jade
Best Use of Power Tools: Charlotte Sartre
Bubbliest Hermit: Honey Gold
Buttplug Bunny: Anna de Ville
Cereal Killer: A.J. Applegate
Compassionate Devourer of Souls: Dahlia Sky
Culinary Cum Expert: Mandy Muse
Cumback of the Year: Tori Black
Cutest Comic Book Nerd: Dolly Leigh
Cutest Crazy Cat Lady: Sasha Heart
Cutest Voice: Sofi Ryan
Debaucherous Caesar: Amara Romani
Delightful Decadence For Over A Decade: Sarah Vandella
Dirtiest Disney Princess: Penny Pax
Dirtiest ‘Other Valley’ Girl: Blair Williams
Enchanting Elven Anal Princess: Alexa Nova
EnthusiASStic Anal Enthusiast: Selvaggia
Everyone’s Favorite Co-Star: Vicki Chase
Excellence In Provocative Editing: Angela White
Facesitting Phenom: Lana Rhoades
Favorite Multiple Degreed Retiree: Timea Bela
Filthiest High Fashion Model: Alex Harper
Foreplay Fanatic: Kate England
France’s Greatest Gift to the USA Since The Statue of Liberty: Luna Rival
Friendly With Everyone …. Except Tequila: Elsa Jean
Full of Rainbows and Glitter: Gabriella Paltrova
Giggles and Rainbows 99.999% of the Time: Aidra Fox
Gordon Ramsey’s Favorite Pornstar: Eva Lovia
Hawaii Five-Ho: Samantha Rone
Houdini’s Favorite ‘Cock Illusionist’: Amirah Adara
House Slytherin’s Favorite Slut: Holly Hendrix
I’m Your (Toilet) Baby Tonight: Charlotte Sartre
Inked Rookie of the Year: Ivy Lebelle
InstaLive Workout Video Vixen: Alex Grey
Juiciest Thang: Keisha Grey
Kelly Rowland’s Dirty Doppelgänger: Ana Foxxx
Least Likely To Be Found With A Hairy Butthole: Missy Martinez
Magistrate of Missionary: Lauren Phillips
Magnificent Mythical Being: Lily Labeau
Miss Personality: Abigail Mac
More ‘Popular’ In Idaho Than The Potato: Tiffany Watson
More Treasured Than A Boat Full Of Loonies: Riley Nixon
Most Accommodating Jizz Biz Mentor: Romi Rain
Most Adept Guard Dog Trainer: Maddy O’Reilly
Most Adorable ‘Despondent’ Selfies: Ryan Riesling
Most Electrifying ‘Becky’: Abella Danger
Most Elegant Equestrian: Brett Rossi
Most Exuberant Anal Orgy Participant: Francys Belle
Most Gracious International Icon: Angela White
Most Lickable Taint: Kira Noir
Most Likely To Be Gangbanged Under The Big Top: Leya Falcon
Most Likely To Check Out Other Girls’ Butts While Doing Yoga: Giselle Palmer
Most Likely To Earn A Michelin Star: Serena Blair
Most Likely To Fuck A Centaur: Riley Reyes
Most Likely To Get Uncomfortably Horny During A Bumpy Uber Ride: Honey Gold
Most Likely To Have Sex During Church Service: Lily Rader
Most Likely To Have Sex in a Snowstorm: Olive Glass
Most Likely to Include Blowjobs as a Form of Pain Management: Cherie DeVille
Most Likely To Pet A Cheetah: Megan Rain
Most Modest Vixen: Riley Reid
Most Organized Vixen: Melissa Moore
Most Overdue For Her Own Showcase : Jennifer White
Most PG / X-Rated Twitter: Elena Koshka
Most Photogenic ‘Nether Region’: Jada Stevens
Most Promiscuous Spiritualist : Arya Fae
Most Recognizable Butthole : Casey Calvert
Most Terrific Thighs: A.J. Applegate
Most Underappreciated Penis Gymnast: Anna de Ville
Most Underutilized Vagina: Missy Martinez
Most Valiant Vagina: Alexa Grace
My New Obsession: Joseline Kelly
Naughtiest ‘Military Brat’: Chloe Scott
Naughtiest Nanny: Lauren Phillips
Next Year’s Spank Bank Superstar: Riley Star
Olympic Medalist in Sexual Multitasking: Arwen Gold
Paragon Of Positivity And Happiness: Kissa Sins
Perfectly Proportioned ‘Twin Peaks’ : Violet Monroe
Perpetually Smiling: Anikka Albrite
Petite Powerhouse: Kristen Scott
Poonstruck: Cadence Lux
Porn Set Emergency Management Specialist: Whitney Wright
Pound-For-Pound Rough Sex Champion of the World: Angel Smalls
Prolapse Princess: Gabriella Lati
Pumpkin Carving Champion: Abigail Mac
Purest Heart With The Filthiest Mind: Samantha Rone
Radiantly Pregnant: Karla Kush
Sexiest Accent While Being Buttfucked: Tina Kay
Sexiest Homebody : Jaye Summers
Sexiest Pool Shark: Carolina Sweets
Sexiest Social Media Strategist: Whitney Wright
Sexiest ‘Wing Nut’ of All Time: Kenzie Taylor
Sexual Jedi: Stella Cox
Shining Brighter Than The North Star: Jillian Janson
Singlehandedly Making Nerds Profitable: Maddy O’Reilly
SoundCloud Boss: Carter Cruise
Spontaneous Splitter: Luna Star
Squat Master: Natalia Starr
Sunny Snow Bunny : Kagney Linn Karter
Sweeter Than A Georgia Peach: Hannah Hays
Sweetest Self Proclaimed Twitter Troll: Lena Paul
The 46th President of the United States of America: Cherie DeVille
The All American Girl: Anya Olsen
The ‘Could Have Been’ Greatest Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader EVER! : Jill Kassidy
The Gold Standard Of Glorious Nastiness : Adriana Chechik
The Next Great Rapper: Chloe Cherry
The Next Porn Mega Star: Skyla Novea
The Vagina Whisperer: Jenna Sativa
Too Dirty For Degrassi: Marley Brinx
Total Candle Whore: Jenna J Ross
Tranquil Nymphomaniac: Violet Monroe
Tremendously Tantalizing Thickness: Edyn Blair
Trent Reznor’s Favorite Pornstar: Amara Romani
Twitter’s Most Suspended Starlet: Alexa Nova
Ultimate Understanding of the Dewey Decimal System: Kendra Sunderland
Undisputed Scrabble Champion of the World: Haley Reed
World Sexiest ‘Pet Enabler’: Jessa Rhodes
World’s Dirtiest Runway Model: Belle Claire
World’s Greatest ‘Human Centrifuge’: Lisey Sweet
World’s Hottest Fisherman: Jojo Kiss
