“This is a species known as a Valley Girl; we’ll call her Tiffany. The fact that Tiffany is a girl that lives in the Valley is not enough to make her a Valley Girl. Valley Girls, or a “Vals” — as they are more commonly referred to — are a highly complex breed made up of definable attitudes, speech patterns and dress. Let’s start with the packaging…”
Jamie Gillis narrates this look at the girls who populate and fornicate in the San Fernando Valley in porn’s cash-in off of Frank Zappa’s 1982 novelty-hit, Valley Girl. The film is structured like a documentary, with Jamie giving us a history of the region, it’s transformation from small town to bustling suburb due to movie money.
The narrator then turns his sights onto Val, played by Debi Diamond, here credited as Shelley Rey, standing naked, alone in what looks like a restaurant. Â The narrator describes her and she adds elements to her costume along the way — the greatest perhaps, being when she pulls opaque purple pantyhose up over her naturally furry nether regions.
The narrator asks Tiffany about a “cool dude… meaning a nice young man?”
“Geez, like you can be so lame. Like, OK, so this blue Excalibur pulls up next to me, and like this waaay gnarly dude is like feeling me up with his eyes, and like I can totally swear its Rick Springfield. Â Like DUDE!”
So the Narrator conjures up Arnold, a nerd played briefly by Jim Malibu as a nerd, who says “You must be one of those New Waver girls I read about in my Dad’s Reader’s Digest!” which causes Tiffany to recoil in disgust. “Ohmygod!  Like! This is like totally grody! Totally! Gag me with a spoon! Slimeball! Like I’m not into Aqua Velva and, like, no dude is named Arnold!”
“So what is a ‘Dude’ Tiffany?”
“Well, like, pick up this month’s GQ and like send me something that looks like it stepped off the page!”
A bell rings, and there’s Mike Horner in a sports jacket, black collared shirt buttoned to the neck, white belt and slacks.
“Like, my name’s Brian. Â I have two tickets to tonight’s AC/DC concert… it’s like gonna crank… TO THE MAX! You wanna go with me?”
“Fer shurr!”
She seems impressed by this. Â He runs down some more of their night’s festivities and ends with “… and if you’d like, you could give me some durrs… like, right now!”
“Fer shurr…”
And she starts to go down on him, and upon looking in his fly she exclaims, “Awesome! Like totally awesome!”
The Narrator starts to get flustered — “What are you doing? Â Whar does the expression “Giving Durrs” mean?”
“I’m sure you can figure it out!” and we’re off to the races, and she proceeds to suck Mike off to a nice facial finish.
We next go to a bar for what is, we come to figure out in a Tarantino-esque flashback later on, Sharon Mitchell’s birthday party, headlined by a live performance by one of LA’s endless leather-pants-clad female-who-looks-like-Rosanna-Arquette fronted bands… and come to find the bar is owned by Max (Jamie Gillis) and Rosie (Juliet “Aunt Peg” Anderson). Â Rosie wears a black wig and is trying to live vicariously through the girls by asking Max “So, what do you think of all this ValTalk?” and he says “Well, it’s good for business” and she says “I think it’s neat; I mean; totally rad, uh, to the max.”
The singer then announces “the moment you guys have all been waiting for — (we have?)– the big Valley Girl contest!” and pulls Janet (Gina Martell)Â up on stage to monologue how hard her life is since Daddy won’t pay for her nose job if her grades don’t improve… and we flashback to Stephanie (Janey Robbins) picking up her princess phone to speak with her best friend Tammy (Sharon Mitchell):
“Like, my electronic answering device is like totally in Repair City, so like, this is Stephanie, coming to you, like, all the way, live!”
“Oh my god! This is, like, too rad to be true!  Steph, this is Tammy. Can you talk?”
“Fer shurr, like my orthodontinst totally removed my retainer last week.”
(Get it? Â I’m not so sure Janey did, but I digress…)
We come to find out that Uncle Max is throwing Tammy a birthday party, but if he was in charge of it, it’d be “all jonesy” so Tammy wants Stephanie to help her plan it, the centerpiece of which will be a contest to see who does the best ValSpeak…
After she hangs up, we pull back to see she’s been sitting on Eric Edwards’ face the whole time… so he eats her a bit more, then she sucks him off, and the whole time, they’re talking to each other in these nice little affirmations – how good the other one feels and the like … it’s almost kinda sweet.  They tit fuck for a bit, then she mounts him and they fuck fuck for a bit more, he flips her over, cums and keeps on strokin…
Then we cut to traffic on the 101 and a black VW Rabbit convertible drives along into the Valley and then we cut to more Valley Monologues (“Andrea, you’re not wearing that miniskirt and metallic shoes to your grandmother’s funeral!”) and we flashback to Tammy visiting Bobby (an effeminate Jon Martin) at his aerobics studio (Hello, Jane Fonda!) where a bunch of girls are gyrating, er, working out, and Tammy invites him to the party and let’s him know there’s a contest and the door prize is “A new Betamax for the Best Val!”
Bobby berates his students a little more with some tough love (“Work off those bagels and cream cheese, girls!”) and we’re back in Tammy’s room smoking pot with Tammy telling Janet a story about her sister Pam (Laurie Smith) and drug connection Raoul (Herschel Savage). Â Pam won’t give Raoul “durrs” so she just offers him a handjob and it “keeps her in Bombay for another week.” Â But, she does give him durrs after all, in fact, she gives him the fucky fucky. Â (A quick side note: Laurie Smith is FUCKING HOT. Almost like a young Honey Wilder… Â Moving on….)
Tammy and Janet then get turned on by the pot and the story and go to town on each other while the other scene goes on.  There’s a nice bit of the two girls kissing, and it’s fun to remember that Sharon Mitchell used to be famous for something other than being a health care professional.  Some of the footage between the girls is a little dark, but it is paced rather well.
The Laurie/Herschel scene ends with Laurie getting bonus points for jerking Herschel to pop on her bush, as opposed to him pulling out and taking care of himself. Â The Gina/Sharon scenes ends with some 69 and scissoring.
Another Val Monologue which I couldn’t really understand, and we flashback to Tiffany driving to Lance’s (Paul Thomas) hair salon looking for a full beauty work up. Â Debi has a voiceover on the drive and we find that she, too, is Max’s niece — not sure if that makes her Sharon’s sister or not…
She gets to the salon to find out, much to her dismay, that the girl who does the bikini waxes won’t be in for a few days, but Debi offers to show Paul how to do it.  Quick note: Paul Thomas plays Lance with  an insane Italian accent.
They discuss the waxing, and Paul preps the area with his tongue, eating Debi out in the salon chair.  She returns the favor by blowing him. (“You do that well.  Look at my cock; big and hard, eh? Tell me about it…” he says.  “I love it.  Totally.”)  So they fuck, and Joey Silvera walks in with an equally insane Italian accent — and then it becomes clear, they’re doing Ayckroyd and Martin.  As PT is fucking Debi, Joey hugs him prompting Debi to ask “Are you guy Frou-frou?” to which they respond in unison “No, we’re from Milan!”  (I think there’s a very real chance that “No, I’m from Milan!” may be sneaking into my conversation in the not-too-distant future…)  And of course, when a guy walks in on another guy fucking, no one is embarrassed, rather, they get generous and share… so PT sits down and Joey picks up right where PT left off, then PT sits back and critiques Joey’s fucking.  Life imitates art!  Then PT comes over and has Debi blow him while Joey keeps plugging away. It ends with Debi in the chair, a guy on each side, cock in each hand saying “Like, I want you both to come all over me!”  It’s pretty hot.  PT says “We’re brothers, eh!  Do everything together!” and Joey nods and they cum in unison and Debi cleans them off for good measure as Joey sings “I like-a it like that!”
Back to the bar…
Janey scoffs as Aunt Peg calls Jamie “Maxie” and says “Yuck! Sounds like a feminine napkin!” to which Aunt Peg retorts “Well, there is a similarity, no pins, no annoying tapes and Maxie here stays just as snug as a bug in a rug.”  “Like, wow, I could throw away my appetite suppressants!” Janey says. And then a small catfight breaks out between Janey and Aunt Peg, which of course leads to sex. Aunt Peg is costumed perfectly, in garters and granny panties, and she and Janey share Max’s cock… he fucks Aunt Peg while Janey sits on her belly and Jamie violently plays with Janey’s tits until he turns her over and fucks her while she eats out Aunt Peg.  He breaks the “guys don’t touch their own dicks” trend and jerks himself off onto Janey’s ass.
Finally, after some more Valley Monologues (which — SPOILER ALERT — Â Jon Martin wins in drag!), they all sing Happy Birthday to Tammy (some call Mildred and Patty Hill!) and then Billy Dee comes out as a stripper, and he ends up fucking her — while she keeps her leg warmers on — in the back room of the bar. Â She pulls his cock out and he cums on her bush.
“And so, when all is said and done, Valley Girls are not all that different than other girls, I mean, like, all they really want is Valley Boys. Â For sure. Â For sure.”
So, this is a little time capsule of 1983, and it may best be watched in a room full of guys with a case of beer. Â This is a movie to laugh at on some level because it’s just so dated… tho you may find yourself laughing with it as well… and the sex is pretty hot, so you might want to watch when you’re by yourself too. :-) Â (Disclaimer: The sex is hot in a 1983 way, which is to say there are no 45 minute feats of endurance here; these are short scenes, the girls are hairy downstairs, but they really enjoy themselves as opposed to so much of post-1990 porn where there is at best tolerance for the sex partner and sex acts and at the worst laying there until they can cash the check.)
I will leave you with this unrelated gem — but relating to the whole Valley Girl “craze” — an uber-awkward interview with Frank and Moon-Unit Zappa stonewalling Joan Lunden on Good Morning America in September, 1982.  (Joan seems to want Moon to tell her what awful people the kids she goes to school with are, and Moon, understandably, is not interested in committing social suicide.)
We spoke a little bit more about Little Oral Annie (who came to my attention via her column in Cheri magazine) and her claim that she could unhook her jaw like a snake in order to deep throat such legendary cocks like John Holmes and Ron Jeremy and Tom Byron.
Made it back to the office just in time tonight to speak with Nicki and Debi about The Devil In Miss Jones II by Henri Pachard. THIS MOVIE IS AN ALL-TIME CLASSIC. All directors should watch this movie like Welles watched Stagecoach before attempting to direct a movie.
The flick starts out with Miss Jones (Georgina Spelvin) in Hell, hitching a ride on Cyrano’s nose — but being porn his nose is penis shaped. Sex is not forbidden in Hell, but orgasm is. Of course, Miss Jones is on the brink, and the bells and buzzers start going off warning the Devil and his staff of the impending bliss…
Hell’s minions — large penis helmeted guards — come running and carry Miss Jones off to see the devil himself, Jack Wrangler.
Jack is awesome. He’s a golden boy all the way, but man, he can act. So can R Bolla as his advocate. (Get it, the Devil’s Advocate?)
There is a tremendous amount of banter in this movie, all of it fast and all of it funny. I was laughing quite a lot during the flick. Couples films of today should use this as a pattern.
Miss Jones makes the Devil cum (a flaming special effect that should make Pachard proud) and in return, she gets to go back to earth for an eternity of lust. The rest of the film is spent between earth and Hell as the Devil tries to keep tabs on Miss Jones, as he is falling in love with her.
Much is made of King Edward who abdicated the throne of England, and parallels are make between he and Lucifer.
Ron Jeremy (in a brief autofellating role), Sharon Mitchell and others have small roles throughout the film playing hell’s denizens. R Bolla stumbles upon Ron fucking some young lass, he stops as if caught, and says “Don’t worry, boss, I won’t cum…”
Meanwhile, back on earth, Justine is thrown into the body of high priced call girl Jacqueline Lorains. YUMMY!
Highlight of her scenes is a great scene between her and a meek john, Bobby Astyr. Playing an older version of the nerd perfected by Eddie Deezen (think Eugene in Grease) he is kinda embarrassed by his fetish.
“Spanking?” she asks. “No, Miss Roxanne…” “Golden Showers?” “Oh no, Miss Roxanne…” “Dress up?” He smiles. “You promise you won’t laugh?”
“I’m a professional. Just give my 500 bucks and tell me your fantasy”
“500 bucks!” shouts the Devil, remembering that back in 1982, 500 bucks actually was a chunk of change. Â Shit, it’s a chunk of change now.
Bobby Astyr comes out of the bathroom in his costume. He is dressed as the devil and has a Satan head french tickler on his cock. She is laughing hysterically, he is self-conscious, and the Devil is irked. A brilliant scene, worth the rental price alone.
The rest of the film has justine being popped from body to body, Private Benjamin (Joanna Storm – YUM!) (look for Pachard as her drill sergeant), tupperware saleslady, nun and finally back to call girl. All the while, she is watched by the smitten Jack Wrangler who is missing her more and more.
The movie ends with a great little scene between Joey Silvera and Jacqueline Lorains. All he wants is for her to say she loves him when he cums. It is an obsession of his, and she can’t quite bring herself to do it. She finally does, put then gets the feeling she’s being watched. She’s spooked and yells “Cyrano is that you?” Cyrano walks in, stoking himself, and then shooting flames as he cums.
“I abdicated” says Jack Wrangler. “I didn’t quit or resign, I abdicated.” Those lines are delivered with a truth rarely seen in adult films then or now.
The movie stars Kevin James and Dorothy LeMay (even though they inexplicably put Tammy/Bambi on the box cover, LeMay is so much hotter. Memo to self, find better headshot for Dorothy…) as brother and sister who after some trepidation live out that old adage “if you can’t keep it in your pants, keep it in the family.”
The story (story!!) picks up a little bit after Taboo, where we follow Mike Ranger’s girlfriend (Dorothy LeMay) as she and her brother, Junior (Kevin James), run into Mike’s mother (Kay Parker) at her stationary stop. Running into her son’s ex-girlfriend sends her to her friend Aunt Peg, who gives her a massage. Junior, knowing a fine piece of tail when he sees one, follows her over and ends up banging Kay and Aunt Peg right there on the massage table. Â During the romp, it comes out that Kay slept with her son, and this gets Junior to reconsider what a hottie he has in his sister, and he sets out to tap it.
There is lots of tease and build up in Junior’s seduction of his sister and it climaxes with his girl friend (Tammy) eating his sister out on the family room couch when Junior just slides himself in there and takes over. From there, the taboo has been broken, and we find everyone in the family torn apart by the action.
We also follow the action of Junior’s parents played by Eric Edwards and Honey Wilder. They’re in a largely sexless marriage, so it’s only a matter of time before Dad boffs Daughter and Mom rides Junior.
And this being the end of the swinging 70s, the movie could not be considered complete without a giant suburban orgy where we have most of the cast list (including a young up and cummer named Ron Jeremy!)
Perhaps the most striking thing about the movie is the notion of consequences. No one is living happily ever after in either of these movies, which is quite a difference from the normal “fuck and live to fuck some more” vibe that is in most porno.
We also spoke of The Golden Age. Back in the late 90s, we covered it like this in the Adult Movie FAQ:
Ah, the good old days, when the words “shot on video” were unheard of, and they actually had budgets to shoot an adult movie <sigh>
When the plot of a porno movie wasn’t limited to “Gee, I don’t seem to have the money to pay for the pizza! Now what do we do?” and the talent actually were sent the script in advance to learn their lines.
Heck they even were known to have occasional rehearsals :-)
Oh well, no use crying over things that once were. With the present glut of cheap product (over 2500 pornos were released in the US in 1994!) a good movie is difficult to make. That is to say, you can still make a good movie if you invest time and money in it, but a 4 times higher budget is unfortunately no guarantee for a 4 times higher return.
In fact, the only people who can change things are we the consumers. If we make sure that cheap one-day-wonders don’t make their producers much money then (and only then) is the general quality likely to improve. After all, why should Joe Producer invest a lot of time and effort in making a good product when producing crap lets him rake in the bucks anyway…
So we have the choice: either scour the shelves for hours to try and find the few pearls among today’s dreck or go back to those classics of yesteryear. If you want to try your luck with todays product (which isn’t all bad, really), I would suggest reading some of the reviews posted to the alt.sex.movies newsgroup to help distinguish between the good and the bad. Many of these reviews are archived at several sites.
“Ok”, you say “but what if I want some of those classics? How do I know what to look for?”
Well fear no more, here for your browsing pleasure is a list of many of the best porno movies ever made. Many of them are from the so-called Golden Age which is generally considered to have been from about 1977 to 1982.
Which isn’t to say that there have not been some good movies made before or since that time, nor that there weren’t some awful ones produced during the period, it’s just that so many of the classics were made during that period…
So look at these lists of the true Classics, some very good movies, and some movies which may not stand up to our high standards today but which are nonetheless historically significant.
Revered and greatly missed adult reviewer Imperator had this to say about the epochs of porn:
A note on the Ages according to Me. Note that like all historical divisions these are approximate :-). –
The Golden Age is 1976-1984. I have slightly extended it from the traditional 1977-1982 to include “Misty B.” and the many excellent movies of 1984. The Golden Age ends with the retirement of Annie and the rise of Ginger (not that it was Ginger’s fault of course :-)). The fringe period is great fun, since it includes the first Angel & Ginger flicks and Bridgette Monet.
The Silver Age (my real sentimental favourite) should strictly be 1984-1986, i.e. up to the retirement of Ginger and Traci, but 1987-1989 had many nice movies with essentially the same stars as 1984-1986, so I’ll include 1988.
The period 1988-1995 can be divided and named in many ways. A friend calls it the Cheapskate Age or the Crap Age, but it is innaccurate since it ignores Leslie & Stagliano.
The term “Silicone Age” only applies to post 1992 IMHO.
The term Neon or Pretentious Age for 1989-1992 does include most of Blake, but it really disregards the rest of the crap… I mean the material :-). So, my opinion is that the traditional apellation of “Iron Age” is the best and safest.
It looks like the Playboy Radio segment is going to be a standing gig on Thursday nights around 8:30 Eastern / 5:30 Pacific. See you next week.
