Today on Spice Radio: On Golden Blonde (1984)

Today on Spice Radio’s YouPorn (SiriusXM 103 at 2:30 PM Eastern / 11:30 AM Pacific) we’ll be talking about On Golden Blonde, the first movie that Christy Canyon and Ginger Lynn did together — even tho they shared no scenes; that would be saved for Night Of Loving Dangerously, which was shot around the same time.

First, the video I watched for this review was streamed from HotMovies, and it’s only 60 minutes long, and the original VHS boxcover states it’s approx 83 minutes, and our original running time is 80 minutes, so there seems to be 20 minutes or so missing.  Anyone know where or why?

Since I don’t have a VHS or DVD copy of this handy, this review is of a HEAVILY EDITED video and reflects as much.

The movie starts with a swinging little waltz and we meet Alice (Christy Canyon) and a James-Mason-as-Mr.-Jordan-esque angel (William Black) and she’s being told she’s dead, but was taken before her time.  I wish I could say nice things about the dialogue or delivery here, but it’s very evident this was a very young Christy who was not yet the experienced performer we’ve come to know and love, and her acting is well… overshadowed by her bra-less jogging that follows a few moments later.  Turns out, Alice was jogging in the park and sat down in front of a tree and was taken by mistake… someone else was supposed to sit in front of that tree moments later, but heaven jumped the gun and took Alice instead, in what was a rather laughable “head droops over in death” action.

So, she is offered a bunch of other bodies to inhabit since her family has already buried her and she can’t be rising from the dead.  This upsets her because “I’m an archaeologist, and that’s all I ever wanted to do!”  (What one has to do with the other is not clear.)

(This whole sequence is shot from a low angle looking up at the performers, and it’s not particularly flattering to either of them.)

The Angel suggests they get a move on, and we dissolve to Christy in bed with Marc Wallice.  It’s not clear why it’s Christy in bed, and not one of the bodies she’s meant to inhabit, but she looks so yummy in the bed, it hardly matters.  Marc spends quite a while (5+ minutes out of a 9+ minute scene) eating her out, and the camera lingers on his chin and Christy’s twat, when the better subject might have been the rest of her in the throes of passion… she turns around and starts sucking him off for all of 15 seconds and then mounts him reverse cowgirl.  She strips off her negligee and rides him.  If there ever was a girl made for reverse cowgirl, it’s an 18 year old Christy Canyon. We don’t get to see Christy head-on, but we see the cowgirl in profile, as if the cameraman didn’t have room at the foot of the bed (but, in hindsight, it seems to be an editing choice to hide the penetration).   She then turns around and rides him some more.  There’s a few glances directly into the camera, which is a motif that will play out a bit more later. Finally, Marc lays her on her back and titfucks her for a spell, and gives her a pearl necklace.

Cut to Alice and Angel watching Ginger Lynn having an argument with her fiancee Tom Byron in front of the maid Janey Robbins.  He’s asked for some sort of sex, and Ginger is appalled at the suggestion.  Alice is appalled at (a) the thought of having to inhabit a prude’s body and (b) that the prude is blonde.  The Angel assures her it’s just for a few days, since Ginger is scheduled to meet her own tragic end a few days hence. And then *blink!* Christy disappears and Ginger asks the Angel (to Tom’s confusion) how she looks.  Angel says “great, see you in a few days” and he disappears as well.

Lucky for Tom, he’s got a slutty archeologist taking over his fiancee’s body because she’s all excited about giving him some head.  Tom has the most scenes of any actor with Ginger, and it’s clear why — they’ve got some chemistry.. but it’s hard to find since there are so many disjointed cuts.  (I assume this is where some of the 20 minutes went.)  We don’t really see Tom cum on Ginger’s face or him fuck her standing doggie.  Angel comes back and Ginger has a conversation with him that Tom doesn’t understand (“Does it have to be so short?” Ginger asks the Angel; but Tom — thinking she’s talking to him — apologizes for his cock size.  It’s a pretty labored set up.)

Ginger asks for the maid and tells to eat her out.  Instead of filing a harassment suit, she muff dives in.  She makes her way over to Tom’s cock, sucking him off until he’s hard again, and then we see Tom fucking her doggie style, but not really, since we cut away right away to Ginger’s finger’s exploring her own snatch.  Then we see Janey looking right into the camera, and there’s what can only be described as a “cable angle” of the sex.  Since we know that Janey has anal sex in the movie, I wonder if this edit is somehow cutting around that fact and focussing on Janey’s face and Ginger’s fingers.  All of a sudden, we see Tom’s dick dripping cum over Janey’s ass.  Strange.  I can’t quite figure out why things were re-edited this way.  (Vidcaps show off some of the missing footage, including  a facial for Ginger from Tom and what appears to be a great double BJ from Ginger and Janey.)

Alice leaves with the Angel, letting Ginger wake up frightened with Tom and Janey laying on her.

Alice an Angel then appear in an apartment where Jamie Gillis and Peter North are fighting over Gina Carrera.  Alice takes over Gina’s body and strips down, which makes the guys strip down.  There’s a very funny half-a-second where Jamie and Peter realize they’re both naked (having been fighting moments earlier) and they’ve probably never been naked in front of each other before.

Gina kneels down in front of them and takes a cock in each hand sucks them both until they’re hard as rocks, then Jamie fucks her missionary while Peter nibbles on her tit; but Jamie isn’t particularly spirited, just some pumps.  She rolls over to blow Peter while Jamie eats her out from behind, and then another weird cut as Jamie makes his O face, but we don’t see him cum, nor do we see Peter’s cumshot as she jerks hium off all over his belly.  We do briefly see some post-cum head clean up and the remains of Jamie’s baby batter on her ass…

Later, Gina is poolside as Dino Alexander is cleaning it, and she goes right for the fellatio.  He does not put up a fight.  He eats her out until she orgasms and then he fucks her; but we don’t see any penetration.  What is this weird cable soft/hard hybrid?! He throws a missionary hump into her for awhile and then they move to doggie, where he cums on her ass.  He seems to move her into another position to keep the action going, but we cut away from it to get back to Alice’s story.

Angel takes her to a hospital where Chanel Lindsay, an archaeologist named Miriam (a blonde!), is recovering from a head trauma and her doctor (and future husband, Angel tells us)  Peter Moss is shocked to hear her talking. She suggests they leave and go fuck, so they do in a garishly wallpapered room, where he throws an energetic doggie style hump into her. She meets his every thrust, and he puts her on her back so he can eat her out.  Apparently, this weird editing style has no issue with focusing for extended periods of time on tongues and vaginas. They end up in missionary, where all thrusting is kept close, and he pulls out and cums on her box (so it seems).

Legend has it (see below) that Tom Byron stunt dicked for Peter Moss in this scene, but you can’t tell in this chopped up version.

Then we see the Angel one more time, and he’s telling us he’ll see us soon — some of us sooner than others.

It is difficult to judge this movie in its current form any other way than harshly.  Not that in its unedited form it would be too much better, but at least seeing the sex and more of the cumshots would raise the heat factor.

Christy looks great here, as does Ginger.  Really, they’re awesome.  Ginger pulls the acting off better than Christy does.  They story is weak and doesn’t make a ton of sense on its own; motivations are murky.  It’s ripping off Heaven Can Wait, but not very well, and with very little of the humor.  Even though our lead gals look great, I was hoping to like this movie a lot more than I did.

Jimmy over at  Golden Sin Palace said this about it, and it’s not a hard position to defend:

So except for the memories of my youth this film has nothing special and certainly does not deserve a positive recommendation. One thing is certain, it was much easier to please me when I was 16 years old  than now at 40.

Having said that, IAFD Editor Jamie had this to say after reading a draft of this review:

You didn’t mention the nasty line of shit running out of Janey’s ass when Tom pulled out. Or that he came three times in one scene or that he stunt dicked for Peter Moss in the Chanel Lindsay scene.

 Tom was a busy boy on that movie.
I love On Golden Blonde, even today.
Over in the facebook group, Adult Films 1968-1988, Scott chimed in:
I have a mediocre quality digital copy taken from a 28 year old VHS tape. It runs exactly 1:19:40. The Tom Byron / Janey Robbins scene is intact. The tape was released by Paradise Visuals, so if it was edited, it was after their release.
Well, it was waaaay edited… and not to its betterment.

Tonight On Playboy Radio: RIP Nightcalls

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end..”

I was away this week, but got an email from the always delightful Sexy Lexi, associate producer of NightCalls, saying that word came down and the show was cancelled.

This made me sad.

I liked the show and I liked being a part of it.  I liked chatting with Debi and Nicki every Thursday night, and the giuest hosts they’d have on every so often.  Never got a ton of feedback on my appearances, but occasionally I’d get a tweet or two about it, so I knew someone was listening.  I also liked revisiting the adult movies from my youth — or the ones I liked anyway.

Rest assured, there’s a silver lining!  Lexi also passed on the good news that (a) she was promoted and now she’s the Producer of YouPorn on Spice Radio (Sirius XM103) and (b) she’d like me to continue doing the classic adult reviews I was doing on NightCalls over at YouPorn with Ginger Lynn and Christy Canyon.

Needless to say, I jumped at the chance.  So, we’ve got ourselves a schedule change — instead of Thursdays at 7:40EST on XM 102, I’ll be on Wednesdays at 2:40PM on XM103.  One day and five hours earlier, and one channel higher on your satellite dial.

We’re starting next week, the 27th.  I have no idea what we’re going to talk about — I suspect it’ll just be a “get to know you” session.  I was lucky enough to be on YouPorn back in January at AEE, and I look forward to making it my new regular gig.

(And really, I get to chat every week with Christy and Ginger?  It’s (almost) like my 16 year old self just won the lottery… )

So, look forward to “Today on YouPorn…” coming soon.

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Comeback (1995)

Tonight (7:45 Eastern, 4:45 Pacific) on Playboy Radio (XM 102), we’ll be discussing Paul Thomas‘ 1995 classic, Comeback, which was a starring vehicle for Christy Canyon, who  was marking her return to boy/girl performing after a 2+ year hiatus.

I’m finding it hard to believe that if porn movies could drive, this movie would already have it’s license in most parts of the United States…

Back when this came out, I wrote:

I LOVED THIS MOVIE. I was jonesing for Christy something fierce and watched PT’s SEX 2 some time ago to try and satisfy the craving because I couldn’t get a hold of this movie. Good things come to those who wait.

The movie was funny as hell. Since everything took place in the porn studio, we were treated to the noise of air wrenches and phones ringing. For some reason this struck me as very funny.

The dialog was great and the nonsex roles were handled quite ably by PT (playing a satirical version of himself) and Scotty Schwartz,  who played the writer.

Best line: when looking for an actor to take Steven St. Croix‘s spot in a scene, Tony Tedeschi looks at PT and says “Hey, you used to act…” and PT looks at him and says “Yeah, but my wife would have my balls for a cat toy” at which point a “meow” rips across the soundtrack. Very funny.

The music was great by porn standards, mostly made up of big band numbers, tho we did have to suffer through a typical inane guitar rock piece. The big band theme was a cross between “Chattanooga Choo Choo” and”Take the A Train” so that everytime it came up we titled it “Take the X Train…”  the closing credits have a loopy organ number that I would have expected to hear on Laugh-In.

Am I really gushing about a PT movie? Sure am. Hats off to PT and the writer and Christy and everyone else involved. Only downside was that some of the sex was only lukewarm (the Shelby Stevens scene, the Christa Rain scene) but the scenes with Christy were electric and most of all… fun.

I would be surprised if the scene with TT and Christy doesn’t pick up some major awards next year.

This one is a keeper.

Best scene in the movie is between TT Boy and Christy, and they’re not even on screen together!

It’s not a threeway, but a scene that proves a few different things that seemed impossible in porno: (1) the mind is the sexiest organ and (2) that (when pushed) TT Boy is not repulsive. :-)

Christy is not coming out of her dressing room. TT wants her to so they can start shooting the movie. TT and Christy talk their way through a sex scene through her door. Dallas blows TT and then gets fucked by him as the scene goes on.

TT and Christy give great performances here, which are slightly marred by the looping of lines. I watched this scene with my best man and kept saying to him “Didn’t they just say that?”

Throughout the scene, Christy goes from drawing glasses and moustaches on her “competitions” pictures (ha- sterical!) to hotly masturbating with a silver dildo.

When TT Boy cums on Dallas’ tits, he is so spent by the eroticism of the scene that he can’t perform, which sets up the rest of the movie…

Other reviews to check out:

Also on the show, we did a brief “Where Are They Now?” bit about Steven St. Croix, where I said I thought he was an artist living in France… and I was right! :-)

The article I stumbled upon via my Google news “porn” RSS feed appeared over at Business Insider and was called “From Porn Star To Painter” (there was a reprint with extensive comments from Steven/Ben over at the author’s site, but it seems to have been removed) and his website is Ben Banks Art at