Today on Spice Radio: Lust at First Bite (1979)

Today on Spice Radio’s You Porn (SiriusXM 103 at 11:30 Pacific / 2:30 Eastern) we’ll be talking about Lust at First Bite, a movie featuring today’s guests, Seka and Bill Margold.  Margold appears in the movie, and he co-wrote it as well.

The title is an obvious wink of the George Hamilton Dracula spoof, Love at First Bite, and it’s also a Dracula story, with Jamie Gillis taking on the iconic role.

The movie wastes no time, and as soon as the credits stop, we see Jamie eating out Mina (the exquisite Annette Haven). They’re in a field outside of a castle, and her alabaster skin contrasts nicely with the otherwise dark elements of the scenes (Drac’s cape; the stone slab she’s on…)  She moves to stroking his cock and then she’s on her knees blowing him and he fucks her face a bit.  The scene ends with a voiceover: “When do dreams stop and reality begin?”

The voiceover has us listening to a man and a woman who are driving up to a castle in an old Model A taxi.  He’s complainng about having a hard on and terrible dreams.  We come to the castle is a sanitarium, and it’s run by Dr. Seward (John Leslie) and his sister Sybil (Kay Parker.)  (Happy birthday, Kay who turned 68 years young yesterday!)   The man is none other than Renfield (Richard Bulick, credited as McGoogle Schlepper) and his sister Irene (Pat Manning) is bringing him to the hospital to help stop his nightmares.
The movie is also a light touch featuring PA announcements reminiscent of those on M*A*S*H* – the first of which is “Attention! The first annual Seward Sanitarium rubber raft race is cancelled due to an outbreak of crabs in Ward A.”

Seward speaks to his apple-toting orderly, Henry (Bill Margold),  and dispatches him to see Mrs. Renfeld.  He gripes about his job (“Seward giving me orders, like he owns this place!”) and he comes in to Irene’s room and she’s having a bit of a breakdown and complaining about having nightmares and needing help, and we cut to an exterior shot of the castle as we hear Margold say “You need help?  You want help?!” and he rapes her doggie style.  “You like that, help!” she moans “No, no” and cries throughout most of their encounter. He giggles “How do you like them apples, bitch?” and he crushes an apple in his hand, as we crosscut to him jerking himself off onto her ass. This isn’t something you’d see in modern porn.  Modern porn might start with protestations, but generally the lead to the girl becoming a willing participant. (probably a worse series of events to portray than her crying through the whole thing…)  This is not a long scene — in fact none of them in the movie are, really — one position and out.

Seward walks through the asylum with Dr. Van Helsing (mainstream B- actor Reggie Nalder, here credited as Detlef van Berg) and when he’s introduced to a patient (George Lee) who dresses like a cowboy, sings songs on the guitar and “fornicates with anything — holes in walls, etc.” and happily, we catch him getting blown by, then doggie fucking Nancy Hoffman.  He’s in chaps and she’s bent over a saddle as strains of the William Tell Overture (the Lone Ranger theme) swells on the soundtrack, and he pulls out and cums on her ass. Other patients are introduced, one who dresses like Hitler, and all of them are suffering from lesions of some sort.

(Nalder was reported to be embarrassed by his work in LAFB, but it’s nothing to be particularly ashamed of.  He hit his marks and didn’t bump into the furniture, to paraphrase Spencer Tracy; but I assume his mere presence in an adult movie was enough to cause him some discomfort.)
Next up, Dr. Bradley (Mike Ranger) and a Lucy Webster (Serena) are walking the grounds and he proclaims his love for her. They sit, and she kneels before him.  We then cut to Jonathan Harker (Paul Thomas) sitting at the piano with Mina and the taxi driver (David Lee Bynum) and the taxi driver (or is he the butler?) asks Harker if he knows “Swing Low, Sweet Chariot” which they begin to sing, and in an odder moment, we’re cross cutting between them and the Serena / Mike Ranger BJ.  Once Swing Low end,s, we bring in Ravel’s Bolero as Serne stops sucking and jerks Ranger off onto her hand.

In the lab at the sanitarium, Van Helsing explains that Renfield is suffering under the spell of Nosferatu and he escapes from his cell and find Dracula’s coffin and with a cry of “Master, I’m here!” he lifts the lid to the strains of Strauss’ Also Sprach Zarathustra.  Jamie lays it on thick when he utters the immortal words: “I am Dracula; I bid you welcome! Listen to them… children of the night… what music they make! Mr. Renfield…”

Then a voice from nowhere: “Where are all the fags you promised?!!”

The next morning, Renfield shows up on the sanitium steps, ranting like a lunatic.  (Over the PA: “Paging Dr. Stoker – unruly patient in the violent ward..”)

There’s more plot and hammy acting, but it’s a pretty straight ahead vampire story.  Renfield is dragged out as he threatens Ms. Mina’s safety.

We cut to a coffin as a hand lifts the lid to the strains of Elgar’s Pomp and Circumstance.  Two of Dracula’s sexy maidens (Slavica and Renee Andre) emerge, and Slavica grabs a random patient (Mitch Morrill) and blows him and then rides him, but it’s not satisfying as she complains “I’ve been waiting 200 years for this?!?  Make it bigger!!”  We intercut some bunnies fucking too  and she pulls his dick out as he cums on her as and his pants.

Dracula shows up and Renfield makes a few puns about wanting to see Dracula come and then Dracula introduces himself as Dr. Seward’s new neighbor. Meanwhile, Irene is worried that Dr. Stoker (John Holmes) is too busy fucking the maid (Irene Best) on the pool table in the game room.  JH eats her out a little then starts to fuck her.  There’s some plot done away with in voiceover, and then Seward introduces Dracula to all of the other major characters.  Then we go back to the pool table where JH is fucking the maid doggie style and there’s some distinct “moist fucking” sounds on the soundtrack.  They seem to have mic’d this scene very well, or the foley guy had a field day with a melon…

Mozart fills the soundtrack and Serena challenges Dracula with a toast “To cry for the next to die” and he opines that there are worse things awaiting man than death.

Holmes is still banging the maid, making this one of the longer sequences in the movie, and it’s a sight to behold – his giant member plowing into her.  She’s got small tits with great nipples, and he takes great pleasure in dicking her slowly and we cut away to Mina in bed having girl talk with Lucy as Drac watches in through the window.  Lucy goes to the bathroom to have some water and pee and Drac enters the bathroom and puts Lucy under his spell.  He takes her nightgown off her left breast, and we cut away to Mina asleep.  (Also skipped via this cutaway, a golden shower where Drac pees on Lucy; when we cut back she’s clearly soaked with urine)  Drac jerks himself off onto her breast and then leaves her with a bloody bite on her tit.

Back to Holmes fucking the maid.  Man, Dr. Stoker just keeps on going!  He finally pulls out of her, she takes as much as she can in her mouth and her jerks off on her face leaving a nice facial.

The chauffeur goes into the stable and sees the coffins.  He lifts the lid on one and see Lucy in it. He yells for help and Swing Low is heard again as Dr. Bradley arrives at the casket ready to stab the beast within but instead starts to kiss Lucy’s dead body.  Kissing leads to cunnilingus with leads to fucking… Another modern no-no — necrophelia.  We briefly flashback to their garden tryst and he cums on her belly.

Nurse Lawson (Seka) finds Harker feeling sorry for himself at the cab, so she takes him inside and blows him. The chauffeur is fixing the car, so he’s stunned to find the car is a rockin and he looks in wide-eyed to see the action.  They manage to work through a few positions, missionary, reverse cowgirl and doggie.  There’s no pop shot; but there is more squishy sounds.

Meanwhile, Baby Jane (Nancy Hoffman) dressed and acting like an 8 year old girl runs away and into the arms of Slavica who says “Baby Jane, I want your clit!” and proceeds to eat her out for a bit, and end with some kissing.  More modern no-no — the intimation of underage sexing (even tho all participants are of legal age).

Dr. Seward watches their tryst out the window and discusses his worries about losing the sanitarium due to this vampire outbreak, so she calms him down by leading him down the road into no-no land again with some incest!  Kay strips down  and gently asks “Remember how you liked this?”  She purrs through this whole scene, and it’s probably the best scene in the movie. Its get weird when Seward says “This could have been your cock, but mother gave it to me.” and she whispers “You want to put it in me, Arthur?  You’d like to do that, wouldn’t you?” and then she’s blowing him.  God, Kay Parker is awesome.  She sucks for a while, then they go at it doggie and he jerks off all over his sister’s breasts as Leslie treats us to some of his famous dirty talk.

Dracula shows back up to give blood to help poor Mina for a visit, and Seward introduces him to Van Helsing.  This takes Drac back a little, “Van Helsing!  A name we know even in Transylvania.”   Sybil takes Drac to the blood taking room, and he confesses to being squeamish about giving blood, so he gazes into her eyes and she collapses on the table, allowing him to lift up her dress and dive in for a businessman’s lunch.  “When the Red Red Robin Comes Bobbin Along” plays on the soundtrack as he jerks off over her face, cumming on her tits.  (There was another pissing scene here, as she’s soaked, but we don’t see it; merely the aftermath.)

Seward yells at Nurse Lawson and Henry to go see Dr. Stoker who has also been bitten, on the cock.  He sweet talks her into letting him out and he grabs her and bites her neck and then forcibly takes rips her panties off and starts eating her out  as Renfield giggles manically from his cel. (We also hear patient Hitler and the cowboy singing during this scene.)  Blood covers Seka’s belly and JH starts fucking her as she screams, no so much in delight. He’s able to fuck her balls deep, and he gets a hand around her throat as he looks maniacally around. He rolls her over and takes her doggie style, and she doesn’t look very happy about it and the scene ends with some serious screaming as Beethoven’s Ninth plays under the scene.  It’s hard to look at this scene as arousing, but Seka’s tits look pretty great swaying around.  JH leaps off her and shoves his cock into her mouth, and he finally cums, painting a line of cum down her forehead, over her nose and down around her mouth.  Being a gentleman, he wipes away the bit that gathered in her eye.  She cleans him off for a while after, her breasts covered in blood.

The vampire story wraps itself up inside while Harker and Mina get it on in the garden.  As Harker is fingering Mina, a bat flies around and entrances her.  Finally Dracula appears on the scene and Harker realizes he’s fucked.  Dracula pulls Harker into his cape and we don’t see what happens, but it’s safe to assume he pisses on him, turning him into a creature of the night as well.  After Dracula vanquishes Harker, he makes sweet, sweet love to Mina in the conclusion to the scene we saw at the top of the movie.

There’s voiceover at the end that tells us that “Dracula has his new queen; she’s found eternal sexual passion with her master.. As for the rest of us mere  mortals, we must be content with our one night stands, c’est la vie.

Well, then!

Now, that’s a movie!  It had a strong plot, faithful to its inspiration (Dracula, not George Hamilton) and it had little funny bits interspersed (Pat Manning’s voiceovers, the PA announcements) and it had some “chills” in the sense that the old Universal horror movies had chills.

IMDB lists some trivia about the many many different versions this movie has been released in:

  • Softcore version eliminates shots of sexual penetration while the hardcore version does not include close-ups of the count biting female breasts and blood spurting from vampire mouths.
  • The 1980 UK cinema release ran 73 mins and was heavily cut to remove sexual footage. The 1986 Electric Video ran 72 mins and featured a pre-cut print (minus over 7 mins) which was then cut by a further 2 mins 26 secs by the BBFC. Among the cuts was a heavy edit to a sex scene which was performed during a Bela Lugosi radio broadcast of “The Doctor Prescribed Death”.
  • The film was re-cut and re-released in 1979 under the title Dracula Sucks(this is also the title the film was released under in Britain.
  • Original version was entitled “Dracula’s Bride” and ran 108 minutes long.
  • Released on video by VCS as Lust At First Bite, cut to 81 minutes.
  • Re-released in 1980 as Lust At First Bite, cut to 91 minutes.
  • Re-released in 1979 as Dracula Sucks,running 88 minutes,and re-edited.
  • Released in 1978 as Dracula’s Bride, running 110 minutes.

On the air, I gave the film an 8 or 9 out of 10 — but not necessarily for the sex.  This is a fun, silly Dracula movie in the vein of the old Universal movies by way of Hammer with some sex thrown in.  I don’t know if there’s any one scene that will make you want to whip it out outside of the context of this movie (my vote was the John Leslie / Kay Parker pairing) but I think this is a movie you can sit down with your favorite someone and watch and have it lead to some other stuff afterwards.

UPDATE 8/31/12: After listening to Seka’s segment on YouPorn, she set me straight – this was not her first movie (thanks, After Porn Ends!), but it was one of her first features, and she refers to the movie as “Dracula Sucks” tho it is nowadays known as LAFB.  As you can see from the IMDB alternate versions above, there’s been a shitload of titles, versions and cuts of this movie. mentions it a little bit.


Tonight on Playboy Radio: Blonde Heat (1985)

We were supposed to do this a few weeks back, but got put off, so (finally) tonight on Playboy Radio Night Calls (not sure what time, probably around 7:30-7:45pm eastern, SiriusXM 102), we’ll be discussing Blonde Heat: The Case of the Maltese Dildo, Tim McDonald‘s comic noir.

In 36 BC, Julius Ceaser of Rome, paid trouble to Cleopatra of Egypt, by giving her a jeweled dildo endowed by the high priests with macival erotic powers —- but invading hordes sacked alexandria carrying off this priceless token and the fate of themaltese dildo remains a mystery to this day —-

This is the kind of film that porn did so well — the comic private eye.  John Leslie plays Mark Lowe, a Hollywood Boulevard gumshoe who speaks in the same voiceovers of his ancestors, Philip Marlowe and Sam Spade. We meet Mark as he’s alone in his office, the staff has they day off, and he’s just wrapping up a missing persons case, with his faithful beagle on the couch beside him.

Every noir detecive needs a femme fatale client, and we waste no time meeting Mona La Pierre (Seka), a cool platunum blonde who slips Lowe a “Monroe” (a $5000 bill) to find The Maltese Dildo.  Instead of going into the details of the case in his place of business, Seka insists on having him come out to her house that evening:

MONA: Come to my home this evening, I’ll give you all the information you need to know. Do you need directions to find it?

LOWE: No… I think I can find my way.  What time?

MONA: Let’s say 10:00?

LOWE: (looks over at the dog on the couch) Well,my dog goes to bed at 10:00, can we make it earlier?

MONA: You name the time.

LOWE: 8:37?

And Seka does a dry take as she confirms the time that is really spectacular.  The scene sets up the off-kilter tone and rhythms of the movie perfectly.  If you don’t like the first 3 minutes of the movie, you probably won’t like the rest.

He brings his dog to the bar for a beer and gets his messages from the bartender (Misha Garr), who tells him he needs to see “the boss.”  So he’s off to the back room to see The Boss, a frumpy lady in a housecoat and curlers who just wants a little action (“If it isn’t my favorite dick — both public and private! Mama’s missed you!  Got time for a quickie? Your dick is like a sweet juicy pickle just waiting to have its juices sucked; your balls are like two cherries just ready to be plucked!;your bones are like two fresh cinnamon buns … your cock or your cash, Lowe; you know which I prefer!“)

So he drives up to Mona’s house, past porno theatres playing Memphis Cathouse Blues and Every Which Way She Can and into her driveway.  He waits for her, looking at her pictures (Liberace!?) until she enters. Seka’s line readings are purposefully flat, and we realize within two line readings that she’s channeling Norma Desmond after he points out he now recognizes her as an old porn star, she retorts  “I am still a big star, Mr. Lowe… it’s the cocks that got small.”

After some pleasantries she has drinks delivered by her own Chippendale’s waiter (Chris Chase) and she reveals it to be a potent aphrodisiac and that brings us into our first (and arguably strongest) sex scene. (Before the sex, we learn that she bought the dildo at auction, but it was never delivered, and she needs Lowe to find it).  Dissolve to Lowe sitting naked in an armchair, stroking his cock.  We get a bit of a nice tease as she taunts him while he’s jerking off, and then he says “C’mon… you gotta let me fuck you just a little bit…” and she says “I might let you fuck me” and then we get a good dose of the patented John Leslie dirty talk and then finally, about 14 minutes in, they make sexual contact as Mona slips off  her bra revealing some SERIOUS tan lines across her breasts.  He does what he’s told — sucks her nipples, eats her out, and then finally fucks her on the couch, and then in doggie (while she sips more aphrodesiac) and it ends with him tit fucking her as she jerks him off onto her tits.

He goes to see museum curator Dr. Ana Benninger (René Lovins) and he asks about the dildo and she tells him that he’s not the first guy to look for it in recent weeks, btu she couldn’t help him since “the computers were down” (a nifty scapegoat for 27  years!) and he as he tells her about the dildo, he finds its a real panty dropper of a story as she drops her panties and they’re off —  jerking each other off.  Then he fucks her on the desk, then doggie with her on the desk, and finally she jerks him wildly as she blows him and then he finishes off with a slight drop to her chin.

After his tryst, he stumbles upon Wally (Richard Pacheco) spying on him on behalf of Mr. Glutman (legendary exploitation producer Dave Friedman) and he forces Wally to call his boss on the nearby payphone.  “I don’t have a dime…” Wally says, so Lowe fishes one out.  He put the dime in, waits a beat… “It’s 20 cents…”  (Ah, pay phones!)  Funny stuff this. He goes to meet Glutman who says he wants the Dildo for his collection, since he too paid the same art dealer for the dildo…

He gfoes tback to his office and in walks his secretary, Kate (Gina Carrera), who asks him for a raise as she’s standing on his desk in a short skirt watering plants.  “Why don’t you wear panties?” he asks. “On my salary, who can afford them?” and then they’re fucking on his couch in reverse cowgirl which really shows off Gina’s lithe body.  Then it’s missionary and he jerks off on her bush.

Cut to Billy Dee getting a blowjob in the back of a limo from hooker Ericka Idol and he cums more or less in her mouth as his driver (Jon Martin) looks on.  We don’t know who these characters are, until they burst into Lowe’s office as he’s on his way out to follow a lead about Mr. Glutman. We find out he’s Howie Mann (nee Mendoza) who is now a “bad man” on the Strip and he tries to shake him off the case, to stay away from Mona.

Some more plot happens (can’t give it all away!) and we follow Wally into a tryst with apair of call girls Laurie Smith and Jill Jason. Laurie keeps her pussy to herself and lets Jill do all the fucking, but she sucks Wally off at the end until he cums.  It’s a pretty short scene.

Lowe meets with Glutman and he hears a story about Cleopatra (Joy Cummings) and her handmaiden (Cindy Carver) having some fun together, and then Cleo blows Maximus, her guard (Dan T. Mann) who cums all over her face while she’s being eaten out…

Finally, he runs into Lori Edwards (Angel), some more plot ensues and they end up having a spirited romp on the bed (highlight: she bouncing on his cock as they’re both sitting up on the bed) and then  we see him cum face but no cumshot, so I have to assume by this time, JL was shooting dust…

The movie ends with him snuggling with Angel and musing that “Anything can happen in Hollywood…”

Then there’s a funny little tag “Somewhere in South America…” and the credits roll.

The trailer is told from the point of view of the beagle, Louie Lowe, and it occurs to me only now, that Leslie’s nom de producing, Louis T. Beagle is obviously an homage to his pooch in this movie.