The 2017 Spank Bank Award Winners

The 7th annual Spank Bank Awards proudly presented by were held LIVE over the weekend from their traditional locale of the lavishly furnished man cave in the palatial estate of Spank Bank Awards founder Gabriel Lan in the suburbs of warm, sunny Nowhere Special, USA. Once again, there were a record number of pornstars receiving a record number of nominations for awards they all truly deserve. Porn. The only ‘sport’ where every participant deserves an award, or at the very least, some sort of accolades and recognition.

As is also now traditional, a copious amount of previously unannounced Technical Category awards were handed out during the pre-show in the red carpet / patio / deck area earlier in the evening before it was time for the main event.

Gabriel Lan opened the festivities by welcoming everyone in attendance, singling out his date for the evening, the beautiful Lisey Sweet before introducing the lovely, talented, and outright hilarious Missy Martinez, who took over hosting duties this year, and has subsequently been given the job for as long as she likes. After roasting both herself and virtually everyone in attendance in her opening monologue with her own unique brand of humor, Missy got right to business, calling for awards show trophy girl Charlotte Sartre to bring out the first three awards. Fellow trophy girl Ryan Riesling promptly stuffed a trophy into each of Charlotte’s orifices and she them all carried to the podium with ease, along with a fourth trophy which she carried by hand just for good measure. Showing off her own multitasking and supreme ho holes abilities, Ms. Martinez later brought five awards to the stage at once, adopting the same one trophy per orifice method while carrying one trophy in each hand.

Following the announcement of the show’s final award of the night (the Dirty Little Slut of the Year), Missy invited everyone in the backyard. Once there, Missy got onto all fours so Charlotte could light and shoot fireworks out of her ass while Ryan fed her mozzarella cheese sticks to kick off the after show awards party.

Ninety plus Major Category award winners, filled with some expected wins and a few surprises (along with who knows what else) continued to build until the time came for the awarding of the “unholy trinity” of porn awards: Sexiest Woman Alive, Most Spanked To Girl of the Year, and the Dirty Little Slut of the Year to close out the show. So, without further ado, here is the list of this year’s winners:

*Note: Spank Bank Awards are voted on by a panel of porn critics (me), noted adult film connoisseurs (me), outside adult industry media insiders (me), x-rated film fans (also me), and a committee chairman (you guessed it: me). Nominees who entice or influence the panel with any form of ‘sweet talking’, ‘sexual innuendo’, ‘buttering up’, or outright eluding to sexual favors greatly increase their chances of winning.*

The Winners

Airtight Angel of the Year

America’s Porn Sweetheart

Amazing Asshole of the Year (in the Best kind of way)

ATM Machine

Bad Ass Brunette of the Year

Baroness of Licking Lady Ass

BBC Slut of the Year

Best All Around Porn Goddess

Best Body Built For Sin

Best ‘Come Fuck Me’ Eyes

Best DSL (Dick Sucking Lips)

Best ‘Just Got Fucked’ Hair

Best Legs

Best ‘O’ Face

Best ‘Resting Bitch’ Face

Best Smile

Best Spitter

Best Swallower

Bionic Butthole

Blonde Babe of the Year

Bondage Artiste of the Year

Boobalicious Babe of the Year

Born To Hand Job

Cocksucker of the Year

Contessa of Cum

Countess of Contortionism

Creampied Cutie of the Year

Cuckold Connoisseur of the Year

Cumback of the Year

Customs Specialist of the Year

Deepest Throat

Dick of the Year

Dirty Little Slut of the Year

DP Dynamo of the Year

Empress of Nipple Paradise

Excellence in ‘Lawn’ Maintenance (aka Best Groomed Bush)

Excellence in the Creation of Smut (aka Director of the Year)

Facial Cum Target of the Year

Fetish Virtuoso of the Year

Fun Sized Fuck Toy

Gangbanged Girl of the Year

Gloryhole Guru of the Year

Hardest Working Ho in Ho Biz

Imported Enchantress of the Year

Instagram Girl of the Year

Life Sized Human Hand Puppet (aka Best Fistee)

Masturbator of the Year

Mattress Actress of the Year

Most Adorable Slut

Most Awe Inspiring Gape

Most Beautiful Seductress

Most Comprehensive Utilization of All Orifices

Most Energetic Fuck Bunny

Most Fuckable Feet

Most Luscious Labia

Most Photogenic Nymphomaniac

Most Spanked To Girl of the Year

Most Talented Tongue (Best Girl/Girl Kisser of the Year)

Most Underrated Slut

Most Voluptuous Vixen

My (Wet) Dream Girl

Natural Born Cock Killer

Newcummer of the Year

PAWG of the Year

Porn’s Next Superstar

Prettiest Girl In Porn

Prettiest Whore Mouth

Pretty In Pink (aka Prettiest Pussy)

Production Studio of the Year

Puppeteer of the Year (aka Best Hands/Fister)

Pussy of the Year

Queen of Cunnilingus (Girl/Girl Star of the Year)

Ravishing Redhead of the Year

Red Bottomed Babe of the Year

Servile Sub of the Year

Sexiest Woman Alive

Sharing Is Caring (Cumswapping Cutie of the Year)

Smooth As Silk (aka Best Bald Beaver)

Snapchat Sweetheart of the Year

Sovereign Dom of the Year

Super Squirter of the Year

Supreme Majesty of the Stripper Pole

Tattooed Temptress of the Year

The Dirtiest Player in the Game

The Girl Next Door…. Only Better

The Total Package

Tightest Twat

Tortured Fuck Doll of the Year

Tweeting Twat of the Year

Two Hot Dogs in a Hallway

Webcam / Skype Show Girl of the Year

Website of the Year

The Technical Awards

0069: Licensed To Kill Dicks: Stella Cox

Able To Deep Throat A Didgeridoo: Angela White

Anal Wunderkind: Adria Rae

Avocado Toast, Tits, and Total Entertainment: Carter Cruise

Best “A/C Repairman Buttcrack” Impression : Charlotte Sartre

Best BTS Photographer/Camera Person: Jay Taylor

Best Devilish Grin: Zoey Monroe

Best Display of Bubble Bath Twerking: Tiffany Watson

Best Fur Baby Mama: Sasha Heart

Best Lap Bunny: Kagney Linn Karter

Best ‘Little Spoon’ Cuddling Partner: Angel Smalls

Best Natural Puppy Pillows: Keisha Grey

Best ‘New Additions’: Dana DeArmond

Best Paraphrasing of a Patrick Henry Quote: Dahlia Sky

Best Presentation of ‘Daisy Dukes’: Tiffany Watson

Best Tanned Urethra: Missy Martinez

Best Thong Wedgie: Cherie DeVille

Best Threesome Partner: Penny Pax

Best Trash Talker: Katrina Jade

Booty By Boiled Peanuts: Maddy O’Reilly

Carpool Karaoke Queen: Dani Daniels

Celebrity Macaroni and Cheese Endorser: Adriana Chechik

Computer Screen Staredown Champion: Ryan Riesling

Consealed Carry….With Or Without A Weapon: Britney Amber

Continually Awesome: Gabriella Paltrova

Creampuff Connosseir: Alexa Grace

Cutest Awkward Smile: Alexa Nova

Deepest Butthole: Ella Nova

Delightful Doll….. By Any Other Name: Dakota Skye

Disgustingly Romantic World Traveler: Lily Labeau

Ebony Princess of the Year: Skyler Nicole

Erection Guaranteed: Gia Paige

Excessively Modest Beauty: Kasey Warner

Favorite Pornstar of Correctional Facility Inmates Everywhere: Kristina Rose

Favorite Pornstar of Step Mothers Everywhere: Sara Luvv

Filthiest Domestic Goddess: Ashley Fires

Frickin’ Wicked Haht: Jenna J Ross

Good At Being Bad, Bad At Being Good: Alex Grey

Habitual Masturbator: Violet Monroe

High Fashion Model Gone Bad: Haley Reed

Hitachi Killer: Kacie Castle

Horniest Registered Voter: Chanel Preston

Human Sex Kitten: Riley Reid

Humanitarian Hottie: Kristina Rose

Immeasurable Carnal Prowess in a 4′ 10″ Frame: Holly Hendrix

Juicier (and Tastier) Than A Pineapple: Jaye Summers

Latina Star of the Year: Vicki Chase

Magician From The Waist Down: Odette Delacroix

Master of the Strap On: Kleio Valentien

Most Adorable Retiree: Yhivi

Most Alluring Cock Vampire: Naveen Ora

Most Artistic Booty Selfies: Jillian Janson

Most Compassionate Cutie: Jojo Kiss

Most Delightful Vagaholic: Jenna Sativa

Most Diverse Playlist: Katy Kiss

Most Extensive Use of the Word ‘Dude’: Amara Romani

Most Flexible Thespian Tart: Cassidy Klein

Most Glamorous Ghost Rider: Jenna Ivory

Most Innocent Looking Sex Fiend: Naomi Woods

Most Likely To Be Fucked In Every Hole On Every Continent: Anna de Ville

Most Likely To Crush You in a Debate AND Kick You in the Balls: Romi Rain

Most Likely To Have An In-Home Dungeon: Casey Calvert

Most Likely To Masturbate While On A Treadmill: A.J. Applegate

Most Likely To Unintentionally Expose Her Nipples In Target: Mandy Muse

Most Meals Eaten Off A Cutting Board: Sara Luvv

Most Organized “Whore Bag”: Maddy O’Reilly

Most Photogenic ‘Nether Region’: Lisey Sweet

Most Prosperous Hormones: Karlee Grey

Most Reliable Nympho: Kate England

Most Wholesome Looking Pervert: Adria Rae

Mr. Mackey’s Favorite Pornstar, M’Kay: Mandy Muse

Naked 95% Of Her Free Time: Angel Smalls

Offroading Princess: Edyn Blair

Paragon of Porn Perfection: Arwen Gold

Pho-king Phenom: Cindy Starfall

Picasso of the Prolapse: Roxy Raye

Pint Sized Supermodel: Janice Griffith

Porcelein Porn Princess: Riley Reynolds

Porn Girls’ Favorite Mistress: Kissa Sins

Princess of Politeness: Anikka Albrite

Queen of Cannabis: Karla Kush

Queen of Cosplay: Tanya Tate

Queen of the Lollipop Guild: Ella Nova

Queen of the Tease: Trillium

Real Life Mermaid: Aidra Fox

Reigning Queen of Booty: A.J. Applegate

Ride ‘Em, Cowgirl!: Kimmy Granger

Road Head Expert: Karla Kush

Royal Majesty of the Dirty South: Jada Stevens

Scream Queen: Cadence Lux

Semen Swallowing Succubus: Dahlia Sky

Seriel (Pussy) Killer: Sasha Heart

Setting The Bar For All Spinners Since 2010: Trinity St. Clair

Sexiest Accent: Valentina Nappi

Sexiest Bookworm: Amara Romani

Sexiest Gamer Girl: Kenzie Taylor

Sexiest Sci-Fi Geek: Romi Rain

Slutty Samuri: Marika Hase

Snowboarding Ninja: Ash Hollywood

Spinner Supreme: Megan Rain

Squat Machine: Veruca James

Stair Master Champion: Sarah Vandella

Stealthiest Pervert: Melissa Moore

Stella Cox’s Favorite Stalker: Lana Rhoades

That Girl Is A Real Crowd Pleaser: Juelz Ventura

The Baconator: Riley Reid

The First Lady of Filth: Anikka Albrite

The Girl With The Heart Shaped Gape: Anna de Ville

The Harley Quinn of Sin: Leya Falcon

The Merc With A Mouth…. Full Of Dicks: Missy Martinez

The One Shade Wonder (makeup reference): Samantha Bentley

The P.E. Teacher We ALL Wish We’d Had: Kendra Lust

The Rarely Discussed ‘Slutty’ Olsen Sister: Anya Olsen

The Real UFC Women’s Champion: Phoenix Marie

The Workout Warrior: Abigail Mac

Three Keilbasas in a Corridor: Casey Calvert

Top Notch Throat Fister: Abella Danger

TSA’s Most Patted-Down Passenger: Lily Labeau

Tumblr Tart of the Year: Penny Pax

Twitter’s Most Suspended Strumpet: Samantha Rone

Vixen of Versatility: Kate England

VR Star of the Year: Ela Darling

Wednesday Addams Slutty Doppleganger: Charlotte Sartre

World’s Best (and 4th Sluttiest) DJ: Carter Cruise

World’s Finest Yoga Pants Aficionado: Sydney Cole

World’s Greatest (and Sexiest) Villain: Katrina Jade

World’s Hottest ‘Would Be’ Lesbian: Lana Rhoades

World’s Sexiest Crazy Cat Lady: Chanel Preston

World’s Sexiest Donut Snob: Brett Rossi

World’s Sexiest Pizza Chef: Kleio Valentien

World’s Sexiest ‘Would Be’ Politician: Angela White

World’s Sweetest Pervert: Violet Monroe