Congratulations Timmy

I would like to congratulate Baron T.Otto Wilhelm Gunther Dietrich Von Swine IVth otherwise known as Tim Von Swine to you commoners for his induction into the AVN Hall of Fame. He joins his partner in crime, Mike John (2014 class), in the Hall for his contributions to gonzo with his no holds barred pig slop.

Von Swine at the center of attention

I first met Timmy almost a decade ago through Jake Malone (RIP) and was shocked that he knew me from my old reviews on ADT. He pulled no punches describing the ins and out of the industry, and that candor was refreshing even if it turned off others and may have held him back in the business. Whether it was discussing hockey, music, his favourite women, or his work, he wasn’t going to bullshit you.

I salute you, Swine, and we need to chug some beers next month.

AEE Field Report: You Too Can Be Made to Feel Like an Asshole!

Well, two days in, and there are some truths that are making themselves evident.

  1. The talent rules.  I am always amazed at the poise and grace that the talent exhibit when greeted with throngs of fans.
  2. The Hard Rock Event staff go out of their way to make you feel like an asshole.  They’re nice enough about it, but you still feel like an asshole.  Let me explain.  The main exhibit hall has doors around all the walls.  They’re identical and unmarked.  So when you go to leave the hall to visit another area, you invariably choose the wrong door, and you’re stopped by a guy in a Hard Rock jacket telling me I have to go down to the next door to exit.  Conversely, I found myself going into the main hall via an exit door, and AFTER I AM IN THE HALL the guy stops me and says that I’m entering through the exit door.  I look at him and he helpfully says, “Well, you’re already in, so you can keep going this time.”  He wasn’t being hostile, but I still ended up feeling like an asshole being scolded by the hall monitor.
  3. The traffic management is haphazard. Your goal is to manage foot traffic, and I get it, but when there’s no clear line or reason for what a line waaaay down the hall is, don’t be shocked when people congregate instead of getting in the line.  The Digital Playgound booth is in the main hallway with the rest of the Manwin properties, and there’s a line waaaay down at the start of it.  It is unclear what the line is for.  There doesn’t seem to be anyone at the head of the line parceling out where people want to go (“Do we have anyone for Selena Rose?”) so when there’s no one standing in front of Selena Rose, a crowd gathers thinking, maybe, this is where the line should be.  It ain’t.  I didn’t stick around to find out how one was supposed to see Selena Rose.  The lines inside the main convention center are just as bad… and in The Joint, there’s hardly any room for lines, so there’s just crowds.
  4. The Joint is a HORRIBLE place to have a booth.  The traffic flow is horrendous.  There’s this giant railing that runs thru it that really crowds everything together. I’m sure it makes sense when it’s being used as a performance venue, but as a convention space, I found it really lacking.  It felt as I was snaking around the place that I was constantly hitting myself up against the railing.

The Joint

Given all of this, it’s still good to see everyone; so we’ve got that going for us.

(I started the day with a quick segment on YouPorn where I got a big unsolicited hug from Ginger Lynn and then I got to slap Christy Canyon‘s tit a few times, so my 16 year old self had a boner all day.)

Please Don’t Quit, Mark Suben!

Here in the northeast (and maybe elsewhere), a lot has been made of Cortland County (NY) prosecutor Mark Suben coming clean about his porn past. Suben, under the nom de porn, Guy Thomas, made 10 or so movies from 1972 to 1974.

According to, a YouTube video made the rounds during Suben’s re-election, in what I assume was an attempt to smear him.  The video is snarky and, at 15 minutes, overly long to make their point.

But, he has since admitted that Mark Suben = Guy Thomas.  His spokesperson said:

“This was nearly 40 years ago. It was not illegal. Mark Suben was not yet married. He was not practicing law and he was not a law student . . . it has nothing to do with his law practice or his current position as the district attorney of Cortland County.”

(I’m no lawyer, but I’m pretty sure it technically would have been illegal at the time he was shooting porn in New York.  Porn production wasn’t really legalized until Hal Freeman fought his way to the California Supreme Court and even then, it merely legalized shooting porn in California.  But I think that hunting down that witch  is more akin to protesting that someone took a drink during prohibition…)

Semantics aside, Suben didn’t do anything wrong by modern standards, and his acts a lifetime ago shouldn’t have any bearing on his acts in his current life.

Politically, we understand you can’t embrace your porn past, and your statements make it clear you’re very embarrassed by them:

“I used bad judgment myself in my youth. . . I was an actor in adult films in the early 1970s. I also acted in other venues, off-Broadway, soap operas. . . A few weeks ago, when asked, I denied this to members of the press. I regret that and I apologize. I was shocked to be confronted by this so many years later.  .  . I was embarrassed for my family and friends who have stood by me. I also denied my actions to my family, my friends and my staff. After that brief period of my life, I found my calling in the law, particularly in prosecution, and have dedicated my life and my career to doing what I’ve been elected to do – protecting my home community.  I will continue to do that. I cannot defend my bad judgment, both my involvement years ago and my denial of it recently.”

I agree with half of his last statement.  Lying about it recently did no good.  But having done it years ago — was it bad judgement at the time, or in hindsight now that you carry an elected position and now that such a thing might not get you elected again?

I say, perhaps the lying is what you should be held accountable for and embarrassed by; not the fact that you fucked some girls on film back in the days when you were footloose and fancy free and not a public servant.

So, Mark, please don’t quit.  Don’t cave into pressure.  Keep putting away the bad guys.  Blaze a trail for so many others who have been ostracized for legal choices they made years ago and are still paying the price… and own the fact that you got to bang Georgina Spelvin and Darby Lloyd Rains and 80’s disco sensation Andrea True!

Hey, America! Get Out and Vote!

Today’s a pretty big day for us Yanks, we go and stand in line for a little while and try to change the course of history.  Whether we are successful is mostly out of our hands, but the victory is in our ability to do something about it.  (Or that we have the illusion of being able to do something about it, if you’re really cynical about it . . .)

So, regardless of who you support in this election, it’s most important that you let your voice be heard and counted.

If you’re in LA County and a member of the adult film industry and like small government, you probably want to VOTE NO ON MEASURE B, just like the LA Times, LA Daily News and bunches of others.  But you may prefer to vote YES ON MEASURE B like the Los Angeles County Medical Association and some others (tho implying that supporting condoms in adult films is equivalent to supporting Measure B is a logical fallacy. You can dislike Measure B but still like condoms in your movies.)

Either way, make your choice, stand up and get counted – that’s the important part. . . otherwise you lose your right to bitch about it. . .

After Jenna Jameson endorsed Mitt RomneyThe Daily Beast wasn’t able to find (perhaps they didn’t try very hard) to find anyone else to do the same.

If you’re in NYC, you might want to spend tonight with Lisa Ann as Sarah Palin.

These opinions are mine and may or may not be shared by the rest of the staff here.

Sandy kills at least 33 people and Gamelink is having a sale!

Not many people know this but IAFD is based in the region that’s been severely impacted by Tropical Storm/Cyclone Sandy. I am not in the area but worry about my chief colleague and his family in the aftermath since I have had my share of experiences with hurricanes. As far as I know, the storm has killed over 33 people but the people over at Gamelink can make some of that pain go away!

Let me quote excerpts of the press release I received today from their publicist:

(San Francisco, CA) October 30, 2012 ” GameLink, the leading e-commerce and adult VOD superstore, looks to offer relief to the millions stranded at home as Hurricane Sandy descends forcefully upon the East Coast.

As nervous citizens who waited out the storm in hopes of relief as Sandy pushed north and continues down its path, GameLink wants to make the delay, and the days, less stressful, immediately discounting 25% off all orders with coupon code *redacted*. The immediate sale gives customers over 100,000 products to choose from and the entire catalogue of movies available at

[NOTE: “redacted” means we’re not promoting their code.  You’ll have to find it elsewhere. – JV]

There is no note of donation of the proceeds. Gamelink’s just having a straight up sale for people that are so distressed about the situation that they need to jerk off. In case these people don’t have electricity, don’t fear:

Most importantly, the sale will cover all of the VoD movies that are available instantly, which are also available to watch on all mobile devices. Even if power stays out, customers can still access mobile movies.

How considerate… This sale is not limited to the people affected by the storm. Friends and family can fap to their heart’s content  as they worry about their loved ones too! Even the people who don’t give a shit can partake in this sale as long as they have this code.

Every time the bar is lowered in porn, there are always people that still manage to limbo under it. The opinions I expressed in this blog should not be considered endorsed by my colleagues.

Edited 30 minutes afterward: After reviewing articles posted on AVN and XBIZ/XFANZ, gamelink is donating the sales proceeds to the Red Cross. Seems like they’re not terrible people;  just a bonehead press release snafu that forgot to mention this.