It’s that time again. Time for the most irreverent, lighthearted, and all encompassing awards dedicated to the adult film industry: the 9th Annual Spank Bank Awards, proudly sponsored by IAFD.com, the premier resource for information about the porn community, committed to providing the most comprehensive statistics and data on the web for both adult films and performers.
This year’s awards show was held at the swanky civic center / monster truck arena / bingo hall in warm, sunny downtown Nowhere Special, USA., with host for life Missy Martinez once again emceeing the event, as well as full time trophy girl Charlotte Sartre helping with the festivities.
Per usual, a prodigious amount of previously unadvertised Technical Awards were handed out to the guests in attendance arriving on the red carpet.
As is standard procedure, Spank Bank Awards chairman Gabriel Lan opened the show by reminding everyone of the reason the awards themselves were founded: to celebrate and show appreciation for the achievements and contributions of the stars of the adult entertainment world, especially those who may or may not receive the recognition they all so richly deserve from some ‘other’ awards.
Riding in on a carriage pulled by a team of men dressed as manatees (and one narwal), Missy quickly got down to the business of announcing the winners. Charlotte peed on each trophy, then loaded the coveted prizes into Missy’s butthole like a World War II era howitzer. Over and over again, Missy repeatedly fired the projectiles off into the crowd, finding their intended recipients with the precision of an Air Force guided bunker buster missile, taking time between rounds to explain the differences between her holes and the recently discovered black hole in outer space, to clarify how she once mistook a mozzarella cheese stick for her Juul (vibrator), to mesmerize everyone with her ‘sweater puppy bouncy dance’, or simply to point out the fact that her socks actually matched.
By the time the dust settled (and Missy’s ass cooled down) a record number of awards had been handed out, because, let’s face it, Porn is the only ‘sport’ where everyone deserves a trophy.
*Disclaimer: Spank Bank Awards are bestowed by taking into account a combination of input by fans, notable adult film connoisseurs, aficionados, and critics, IAFD.com listed scene credits (both quantity and quality), and a committee chairman who has final authority (Gabriel Lan). Nominees who entice or influence the panel and/or chairman with any form of ‘sweet talking’, ‘sexual innuendo’, ‘buttering up’, or outright eluding to sexual favors greatly increase their chances of winning.
And now, onto the major categories, followed by the Technical Awards…
