Tonight on Playboy Radio’s Night Calls, Nicki Hunter and Debi Diamond and I (briefly) discussed Henri Pachard’s 1983 comedy, Sexcapades. (An ass slapping contest ran long, so our segment was cut a bit short.)
Eric Edwards plays Harry Crocker, an ex-porn director turned documentary filmmaker who has to return to porn to help himself out of his financial woes. He’s married to Sharon Mitchell (who won the AVN Award for Best Actress for her performance) who is not a fan of his porno past or the possibilities of what will happen when Harry re-enters the scene.
The movie opens with Yvonne (Joanna Storm) and Billy (Alan Adrian) auditioning for Harry and the head of the studio (and his ex-wife), Lorraine, played by Lee Carroll. The couple try gamely to show off their sexual skills, but the scene is mostly played for some laughs as Harry looks on disinterestedly. Joanna demonstrates a variety of positions — blowjob (“See how I hold the base of his cock? It’ll now stay hard for as long as I want.“), to rimming with a reach-around, to cowgirl with a break for Joanna to put some socks under her knees to “prevent rug burn.” Alan is ready to pop, but Joanna still has more tricks she wants to show off, but she has to make do with letting him flop out of her and then jerking him off.
The movie was shot in New York, so we’re treated to some exteriors and shots of NYC traffic.
Harry goes home and breaks the news to his wife Miriam (Sharon Mitchell) that not only is he going back into porn, it’s because they’re broke; and not only are they broke, they have to shoot the movie in their house. In their bed. To which Miriam responds “Not on our good sheets, OK? They’re not to use our towels either… and the maid is not to see any of this filth…”
As they lay in bed, Pachard gives us some awesome porno dialog, winking the whole time:
HARRY: Come on spread your legs.
HARRY: Because my cock is hard and swollen.
MIRIAM: Don’t speak like that!
HARRY: Like what?
MIRIAM: Like that dirty porno language.
HARRY: (with a tease in his voice): My manhood is standing proud, with a desire to plunge into your heavenly secrets; my little rooster is ready to cock-a-doodle-doo! My soldier is standing at attention with a desire to… to…
MIRIAM: To what?
HARRY: TO SUCK YOUR PUSSY!
MIRIAM: Don’t wake the maid!
And then they go at it; with her slapping his hands away when he tries to finger her, and he just does a take to the camera that is just Jack Benny perfect. (Is Jack Benny too old a reference?)
After a bit of rug-munching, Miriam says “OK, come on…” and he mounts his good lady wife in the missionary position, like a dutiful husband.
After a bit he rolls off and implores her, “Come on, sit on top of it.” and she says “You know I can’t” and he gets her up there and he says “So, now fuck me!” and she asks plainly “Can’t we just make love?” So he says “I love you, now FUCK ME.” and she gets into it, grabbing the headboard and giving herself over to it, until he tries to put a finger in her ass – “What are you doing? Get out of THERE!” and he pulls out and cums on her ass. “Harry? Why did you take it out?”
“I don’t know.”
This is an excellent example of sex scene servicing character. His needs are changing and hers aren’t. Their lovemaking as a couple seems to be a standard missionary then cum-inside affair, and when he tries to spice it up, in a rather realistic way, he is rebuffed.
The next morning they discuss the need for him to use his real name instead of a pseudonym. “I’m a filmmaker! I can’t just use a different name!” “It’s just porn; it’s only a movie, Harry!”
Bridget (Sharon Kane) shows up to audition for the maid, which makes Mai Lin curious, as she’s the maid. Bridget explains, she’s auditioning for the role of the maid, not the actual maid. Har har.
Sharon spouts her resume — “Mostly loops in San Francisco. I sucked of Johnny… got him down to here!” she says with pride, before Harry tells her he’s not interested in that (or her offer of a blowjob in the bathroom) but he wants her to read from the script. To really audition…
Cut to a montage of the crew prepping Harry’s apartment, then we get to the shooting. Harry’s “art” is getting in the way of the shooting schedule and publicity needs (“No man is going to fuck his maid in the bathroom as she’s scrubbing the tiles!” This is especially funny since of Pachard’s penchant for bathroom scenes…) A lot of the humor comes from the notion that porn sets are worried about overtime and union crews.
The movie maid, Felicia (Ashley Welles) and Byron (Michael Bruce) have a funny sex scene in its constant interruptions — flubbed lines, Michael shouting “Oui, oui!” and Ashley yelling “Not in my pussy you aren’t!” which breaks the action enough that Michael goes soft, and when he asks for a blowjob to get him hard again, she’s interrupted for a quick application of more lipstick… and then Harry’s constant direction, which must have been a nightmare for the sound guy to edit around. PAs are brought in to wipe away sweaty brows like nurses on M*A*S*H* They finally get back to fucking and an offstage voice implores “Harry, look at the bruises on that ass! Where’s makeup?!?”
After Michael pulls out and cums on Ashley’s ass, they wrap the scene and Harry and Co. sit on a couch and lament the scene. Harry yells “Pulls out and cums on her ass?!? Who does that!? That’s not reality!” (Of course, that’s exactly what he did with his wife the night before…). Harry is worried about the script and is told “Harry, stop writing… and you’ll discover the end!”
Bridget (Sharon Kane) shows up in Lorraine’s (Lee Carroll) office for the audition she didn’t get with Harry. Lorraine makes Bridget put on a strap on and asks “How does it feel having a cock?”
“See what a man sees when he’s getting a cock sucked? See how a man looks down on you when the cock is sticking in your face?” Lorraine hands Bridget some lube and orders her to show her how a man “jacks off.” Lorraine continues to order Bridget around – bossing her around to suck her pussy while stroking that cock. She taunts her “Do you have orgasms yet, Bridget? I do!” and then Sharon takes her doggie style. “There’s not a woman in the world who can do what I do!” she yells as she’s getting fucked.
When they’re done, Bridget moans — “This has been really incredible and really hot. I had no idea, Lorraine.”
But, after a very short catch-their-breath break, Lorraine insists “Now fuck me in the ass! Fuck me in the ass, you cunt!” Bridget is a bit taken aback — “Have you done this before?” – but obliges… then she starts to take the dominant role, yelling “Do you want to come again, Lorraine? This little girl is going to make you cum!”
There are some really great interpersonal dynamics at play here.
(As an aside, one of the most amazing things about seeing Lee Carroll getting it from behind is how pristine her asshole looks. This wasn’t someone who had a lot of anal sex…)
We then get a quick scene between Bridget and an uncredited Joe Santini where Harry is imploring him — while the rest of the crew stands by — to “get your nose up in there!” as he’s eating her out. They quickly fuck on a chair which has Miriam upset, asking “Harry, can you have them not fuck on the chair? We just had it reupholstered!”
We get to the heart of it the next morning with an argument between Miriam and Harry.
MIRIAM: I can’t take it any longer! … Nose fucking! You know what, Harry! You disgust me!
HARRY: Fuck you.
MIRIAM: What? What did you say to me?
HARRY: What am I supposed to do? Show you that I’m miserable in my work? That I don’t like what I’m doing? Well, let me tell you something, Miriam. This is going to be a great —
MIRIAM: It’s just a fuck film, Harry! Nothing more! It’s a crap porno!
HARRY: So what?! It doesn’t have to be anything else! It’s supposed to turn people on. Arouse them! Sexually! There’s nothing wrong with that, Miriam; tho it might be a new experience for you.
MIRIAM: What are you trying to say, Harry? That I’m not sensual? That I’m frigid? Answer me!
HARRY: You’re not exactly what we would call orgasmic, Miriam.
MIRIAM: Fuck. You. (She leaves)
HARRY: That’s really what it’s all about, isn’t it.
Next up, Mary Ann(Tiffany Clark) is bitching about costumes and wants to meet her co-star. Harry wants none of it. “Honey, I need to keep you away from him. It’s the way it happens in the story. The two characters never meet until they make love.”
Harry is all about the story… except Miriam appears and says “So, Lorraine tells me you don’t have an ending.”
Mary Ann’s scene partner, Alex (George Payne), walks in wearing Harry’s robe (“I found it in the bathroom”) and gets the rundown of the scene and the sex within it.
As they fuck, and she thanks Alex for fucking her, Harry starts giving direction to her face. “I want everybody in this room to watch her. Everyone in this room is watching you being fucked. Now you look around. I want to see some animal!” Alex pumps rapidly, “Do you want to come inside her?” Harry asks. “No! Cum in her mouth! Fuck her mouth! Keep those eyes open! Make him come! Make him come in your mouth!” but she asks for more fucking… and more fucking she gets. She pulls Alex’s ass into her, and then wraps her arms around Harry who is whispering direction on and on, until he pins her arms down … but then she kisses Harry.
This action is not lost on Miriam who has been watching this whole thing, and Harry looks up at her and sneers, “Cut.”
Wow. He’s fucking on a whole different level. Mind fuck.
The next day Harry is making himself a drink and Miriam is heading out, but not before she tells him:
“You’re not making this film for money. If you were, it’d be done already. If you don’t straighten out, then Harry’s finished and Miriam’s finished.”
This is very much a departure from so much in porn where spouses don’t mind each other fucking around. There is jealousy here, and it’s an emotion not often dealt with in porn.
After Miriam leaves for the store, Harry finds his way upstairs and fucks the maid (Mai Lin) in the bathroom as she’s cleaning the tiles. They actually talk about the ramifications of their actions, and he assures her it’ll be fine and he won’t “come in her mouth.” (One of the three great lies, along with “The check’s in the mail” and “I’ll do it first thing Monday morning.”) So she blows him, then he fucks her and she ends up blowing him again and as he’s cumming in her mouth, Miriam walks back in and catches them, shouting “MAID FUCKER!” (We never see the semen, so tough to say if he really came or not…)
Miram throws Harry out of the house and tells him he’ll never finish the picture, and he’s certainly not allowed to shoot in the house, anymore.
He’s stuck walking the streets of New York, passing Henri Pachard offering a proposition in a badly dubbed scene (guess it was easier to shoot silent on the streets of NYC) and he ends up at Lorraine’s apartment. He tells her about the maid fucking… but he’s fixated on finishing the film… until the Maid walks in! (We know it’s his old maid because of the oriental music on the soundtrack played in both of their trysts.)
Suddenly everyone is blowing Harry, then Mai Lin lays back and lets Harry finger her while Lorraine blows Harry, with occasional breaks for muff diving. The the Maid fucks him reverse cowgirl while Lorraine plays with his balls and takes some licks on the maid. The scene them jumps around quite a bit, until Lorraine pulls Harry’s cock out of the maid and has him come in her mouth.
The scenes I picked as best in the bunch were the Sharon Kane / Lee Carroll pairing and the Tiffany Clark / George Payne pairing, the latter made special by Eric Edwards’ totally clothed participation in the scene.
Next week, we’ll talk about the sequel, 1984’s Great Sexpectations.