Great Moments in Porn Dialogue: Pink Pussycat (1992)

I think there’s a great deal of truth hiding out in porn scripts, especially if Henri Pachard is involved.  Case in point, 1992’s The Pink Pussycat where Pachard basically plays himself and delivers a monologue about how to shoot porn to two couples: P.J. Sparxx and TT Boy are one couple and Cole Stevens and Carolyn Monroe (aka Candace Hart) are the other.

The scene starts with both couples sitting on a bed, and Pachard starts to rearrange them:

PACHARD:  OK, Yes, let’s go.  OK, we’re all set for this.  (To Carolyn/Cole) You guys on the bed, and (to TT Boy, motioning to the couch) you close to here…

PJ: No, no, no, no, no….

PACHARD: Yes, yes…

PJ: When can I have sex on the bed?!

PACHARD: Beds are for dying, baby!  Sit down right here.  (Yeah, this is going to play good from here.) Let me tell you something right now, young man and you too — I don’t care what your agent told you, you’re not here because of your good lookin’ blue eyes, you’re here for your known for your hard cocks. Now the key to a real dirty movie —  YOU PAYING ATTENTION? — the key to a  dirty movie – LISTEN  TO ME!–  is no romance!  It’s gotta be dirty!  You gotta be selfish! You gotta take — from your partner.  TAKE IT from your partner!  MAKE HIM do these things to you!

PJ: How come I always fuck on other things other than a bed?  When can I have normal sex on a bed?  You make me either sit on top of the roof, on top of the stairs, on the floor, on top of the desk…

PACHARD: You’re far too dynamic to be fucking on a, on a bed. I want you on the couch, with the black background, it symbolizes your midnight thoughts.

PJ (aside, pouting): I’m always on the couch…

PACHARD: Now you guys — (to PJ) Relax, you’re going to be great — (back to the group) Be selfish! Selfish sex pays.  It looks better for the movies. I don’t want to do the romance.  (Unintelligible mumbling)  I don’t want to do the romance stuff…

PJ (more pouting): I don’t do that anyway…

PACHARD: Take your sex!  Take it! USE these people! I don’t need to hear the corny lines “Oooh, it feels so good, it feels so good…” I don’t need to hear any of that…

CAROLYN: What are we supposed to say, “It feels shitty?”

PACHARD: Tell him what to do.  You want to sit on that man’s face, SIT RIGHT ON IT.  Fuck his nose if you have to.  I don’t care what you’re going to do.  (He mumbles to Cole something about buttfucking.)  Whatever it is, don’t be lazy.  This is going to be the mother of all sex scenes.  Passion, total passion!  You with me?  Quiet in the house!  Roll sound!  ACTION!

And then they get into it.

Back in 1994 (with annotations from 1995) Imperator had this to say about the movie:

Well, my pal’s busted video tape (see previous post for its other contents) had saved the best for last (sort of). “The Pink Pussycat”, starring Ashlyn Gere, P.J. Sparxx, Trixie Tyler, Melanie Moore, Flame, Peter North, Jonathan Morgan and other Fellas. Ah, the good old days when PJ did men! Anyway, this is a good solid production on film, at times brilliantly filmed (in terms of camera angles, not some sort of cheesy “erotic” effects a la Blake); there is unfortunately some waste of resources. Ashlyn begins with a hot scene with Peter North. Ashlyn is her usual delightful, vocal self; and though I don’t care much for facials, *this* one I could barely forget: Peter absolutely drenches her. I don’t know which category this falls under (“normal” or “monster” facial) but it’s damn impressive (“Kascha’s friends” sort of impressive ;-))After that we switch to PJ doing Jonathan and another Fella [6/1/1995: Peter says: “This is Zach Thomas (yes, Mr. Sunset Thomas the lucky bastard ;-)”]. She gets rimmed and does some of her cutest faces on the process. The threesome is however rather brief and therefore a trifle disappointing; a bit like her threesome in “Chameleons -not the sequel”. Anybody know a good, hard, long shag with PJ and two guys?

[Update 3/9/95: If you’re dying to see a good, hard shag with PJ and 2 fellas, check out “3 wives“, an otherwise ordinary rental]

From this slight misuse of resources we go to some blatant waste of the same. A bathtub frolicking with Flame and Trixie Tyler ends after only about a minute of the most promising overture. Flame does not reappear in the film. Now, I am not fanatical about Flame like old Steve, but she is undeniably a most charming creature to be wasted like that. Oh well.Then we go to the film’s crowning glory: Trixie Tyler and Tom Chapman: reverse cowgirl followed by the most superb of anals; fast, hard and LONG action. Amazing.

Ashlyn does Melanie Moore. Dunno why, but it didn’t do much for me. Probably it is overshadowed by the preceding masterpiece. Then T.T Boy (the group’s favourite ;-)) screws PJ (reverse cowgirl no less -woof!) while Carolyn Monroe takes it up the butt from Some Other Guy [6/1/1995: Peter once again comes to the rescue: “That’s Cole Stevens (her SO)”]. The camera work here is rather poor. Finally Ashlyn,  Tom Byron and Holly White (aka Rachel Mann according to the Dutch machine :-)) go about a 3some. Ashlyn is rimmed but unfortunately more time is wasted on filming Ashlyn fingering Tom, than showing the girls. Therefore I FF’ed through most of this scene.

The Imperial verdict: Good stuff, plentiful and raunchy. Some resources were not put to their best use but still, this is a superior film.

A 3.40

(Guide to the Imperial Scale of porn ratings…)

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Great Sexpectations (1984)

Tonight, we’ll be discussing Henri Pachard’s followup to Sexcapades; the continuing saga of Harry Crocker — Great Sexpectations.

We’ll be on Playboy Radio’s NightCalls on SiriusXM 102 at around 7:40 Eastern / 4:40 Pacific to talk to Debi and Nicki about this Golden Age comedy.

I found it a bit odd that a generic model who wasn’t in the movie was so prominently featured on the original movie poster, considering that you had some very big, photogenic star to choose from in Kelly Nichols… or Joanna Storm, even. VCA rectified this on their VHS and DVD releases which did feature Kelly Nichols.

So, we meet up with Harry Crocker (Eric Edwards) as he awakens from a nightmare along side Ariel (Renee Summers – she and Eric were a real life couple) and Yvonne (Joanna Storm). You may remember Yvonne as the girl who awkwardly auditioned for Harry in Sexcapades; and she has been promised the lead in Harry’s next film… as has Ariel. Awwwkwaaard!

Happily, Harry is saved by the bell — the phone rings and it’s Louis Charger, some big time movie guy that Harry seems impressed by and shocked that a guy like Louis would be calling Harry.  In the meantime, Ariel sulks off and runs a bath.    Yvonne asks her why she’s sulking, and she brings up the “promised me the lead” situation and Harry admits to them both that he lied — neither of them could get the lead in the movie because there is no movie.  No script, no nothing.  He’s down.

“Harry, you’re the best.  Some people think you’re the second best, but I think you’re the best.”

The pity party continues and the girls try to lift his spirits by fucking him in the tub.  He makes out with Yvonne while Ariel sucks him off, then Yvonne moves around to Ariel’s lady bits and plays with her.  Then she leans over Ariel’s back and starts sharing Harry’s cock.  It’s a pretty cool position, and they don’t let it overstay its welcome.  Yvonne ostensibly slides a finger up Harry’s ass (we don’t see it) while he’s fucking Ariel, and also does the reach around so she’s stroking his cock as he’s plowing into Ariel.  The scene ends with Harry’s cock sliding out of Ariel and Yvonne stroking him off through his legs until he cums on Ariel’s bush.  Such a nice diversion from today’s Viagra forced self-pumping.

As Harry’s dressing for his meeting with Louis Charger, Harry says he’ll try to get the girls jobs on the film, but they may have to settle for being fluffers.  Yvonne says she would want to be Harry’s fluffer, and he explains he’d never be in the movies he makes, “because of his ex-wife.”  I assume his ex-wife does not come up in conversation with Yvonne and Ariel since they both seem surprised to find out he’s been married.  He explains that she didn’t want him to do movies in the first place, and if he had sex on film, it would hurt her very much, so he won’t.  They seem surprised that he still cares enough about his ex-wife to govern his behviour in such a way, and he declares “I WILL NOT FUCK ON FILM.”

(It is not giving anything away if I comment “Sure you won’t, Harry…”)

We cut to Louis Charger  (R. Bolla) who is grilling Frankie, potential stud (Jerry Butler), while Charger’s wife, Gloria (Honey Wilder), looks on, filing her nails.

CHARGER: I want you to get up, drop your pants, and let’s see what you’re made of.

FRANKIE: You want me to take my pants off  here?  In front of your wife?

CHARGER: You want to be a superstud actor, right?  Well, can you fuck on film? Because everyone in my films fucks.  You need to get it up, get it in, get it on and get it off.  Got it? Ever hear of Harry Crocker?”

R. Bolla is awesome here.  All fast talking.

Honey suggests the stud fuck her.  Jerry is taken aback, but Charger says it’s business and he should not feel odd fucking his wife.  Charger says he wants to test the stud’s endurance so he gives Gloria the direction “I want you to stick your finger up his ass, and when he’s about to cum, squeeze the back!”

Jerry’s ass is saved by the bell, as Harry shows up for the meeting.  Gloria is upset by this, because she doesn’t want to perform in front of Harry.  “I won’t have Harry Crocker watch while I give this guy a blowjob! Stop trying to humiliate me!” she yells.  “Fine, take him in the other room to finish him off!”

They retreat to the bedroom and she blows him while still complaining about the nerve of her husband wanting Harry to watch.

As Harry and Charger talk about a script Charger has and the cast he has lined up (“Marilyn Camp! John Leslie!”) he can’t help but over hear Frankie and Gloria going at it in the next room.  Charger blows it off by saying “It’s business.  My wife tries out all my studs.”

(Kelly Nichols plays Marilyn Camp and John Leslie plays John Leslie. Why only one of them got to play themselves is unknown.)

Cut back to Gloria and Frankie, and he’s fucking her doggie style and Honey Wilder‘s ass is just the most glorious thing bouncing around back and forth while she explains that her husband is waiting for them to finish.

Harry lets us in that this is Charger’s first time producing a porno film with an excellent line – “You don’t have to have your wife fuck the talent so you can feel like you belong to the club.

Charger goes in to check on Gloria and Frankie.

CHARGER: “How’s he doing darling?”

GLORIA: “He’s really good, honey!”

CHARGER: “I want Harry to see this.”

GLORIA: (makes a face, then relents) “Oh, Okay…”

CHARGER: “Harry!  I want you to see this kid’s strokes.”

They have a fun little scene making pleasant introductions and shaking hands while Gloria and Frankie continue fucking.  Finally Frankie pulls out and shoots all over Gloria’s ass “just like in the movies.”

Harry is blown away by this.  This is not something any of his wives would ever go for, and he’s incredulous.

HARRY: Mr. Charger…. um… (laughs)… How… how… how can you allow  this to happen to your wife, I mean, in front of you like this?

CHARGER: Listen. You know your job and I know my job.  Right? You want to know if a person can ACT on film.  I want to know if he can FUCK.  If this kid can fuck MY WIFE while I’m standing here watching him… he can fuck on film!

Harry chuckles as he leaves and Charger stops nuzzling with his wife to yell after him, “Hey Crocker, don’t forget!  We start in three weeks!”

So, Marilyn’s bodyguards (!!!) show up (“This is a lady who knows how to work the press!” Charger boasts) followed a drum roll and then Marilyn enters. She does the kiss both cheeks and starts to lay out her demands. Charger folds like a card table and agrees to everything to keep his star happy, while Harry looks on unimpressed and put out that she is turning out as difficult as her reputation suggested.

Her first meeting with Harry is a bit sticky…

CHARGER:  Marilyn, this is Harry Crocker. Uh, Harry’s going to be working with us on the film, to keep the picture moving … uh … for you! … you know, sort of, like, …. directing… the people around you!  Typing up your script changes… right Harry?

MARILYN: So you’re Harry Crocker. I hear you’re a very demanding director.

CHARGER: Oh no no no, he’s not! He’s very nice, really.

MARILYN: I also hear he’s very good with new talent.

CHARGER: Oh yes, he’ll keep the kids from getting in your way, right Harry?

HARRY: I hear you’re a real pain in the ass, Marilyn; and that you refuse to learn your dialogue and that you require that you will only shoot your sex scenes in the afternoon. And that beneath that beautiful body of yours is a frightened child — a child trapped in the body of an adult… but I don’t believe that; I’ve seen your work.  So, I’ll tell you what.  We won’t change one fucking word in the script.


Deidre Drumm (Carol Cross), a reporter from New Lust Magazine, calls Charger and puts him on the spot.

DRUMM: Sitting in front of my desk, I have a Mrs. Exeter and her daughter Frances…

CHARGER: Her daughter?

DRUMM: Yes. Is it true you’re auditioning mrs. execters daughter for a role in your new X-Rated film?

CHARGER: Why do you ask?

DRUMM: Because if it is true, it’s news for the x-rated industry and can be publicity for your new film.

CHARGER: Publicity! Oh! Of course!

So, Mrs. Exeter (Chelsea Blake) is the worst kind of stage mom, selling out her daughter Frances (the yummy Tanya Lawson) who doesn’t seem all that interested in doing dirty movies, but she’s even less interested in disappointing Mom.  Harry enters Drumm’s office and Mrs. Exeter immediately starts pimping her daughter.  (“See how we trimmed her pubic hairs?  Isn’t that cute?”)  Harry explains the need for explicit sex to be in his movie and drops the name “Chuck Weston” which makes Harry uncomfortable. (I’m assuming the name is an in-joke on Anthony Spinelli aka Sam Weston who was often mentioned in the same breath as Pachard while discussing “important directors of the 80s”)

Cut to Mrs. Exeter selling Mrs. Charger on the idea of Frances being in the movie. Smash cut to Frances panty-clad ass in the air while she blows Mr. Charger.  She doesn’t seem particularly experienced, only putting the head in her mouth.  Charger asks if she’d be interested in coming up on the bed to lie down while she sucks him off, giving him an opportunity to “finger her pussy a little; would you like that?  Would you like to find out if you’d like that? Wouldn’t you like to make your mother very proud?”  They fuck, and the scene ends with him cumming in her mouth.  As she cleans him up, he grins “You are definitely going to have a part in my movie… but I think you should think about doing anal.’

Harry’s speaking with Mrs. Exeter and she is discussing her daughter’s “star power.”  Harry gets to the point and asks “I didn’t ask you about her star potential, I asked you if she enjoys what she’s doing? Before she can answer, Charger busts in and pulls Mrs. Exeter away to offer her daughter the part, provided she consider doing some anal.

We’re back on set and George Payne is reprising his role as porn stud Alex, and he’s fucking Yvonne who is dressed as a nurse.  Harry’s directing, the crew are wearing Sexcapades T-Shirts, and Joanna Storm is mugging up a storm.  While their scene is going on, Mrs. Charger (dressed in black) takes Frances (dressed in white) out to the boiler room and they start going at it, while standing.  Alex and Yvonne stay in the missionary position the whole time and their scene ends with a cumshot to the chest with some post-cum head to clean up.

Harry downs a few shots of vodka then approaches Marilyn, puts his hand on her breast and says she should come over his house later so he can “inspect her underwear” and if they run out of food, they could always “eat each other.”  Silver Star looks on before taking her place on some futuristic set, sucking Dick Howard’s cock while some Star Trek-ish theremin music plays on the soundtrack.

We hear Pachard’s voice on the soundtrack yelling “More fog!  More fog!”

Dick and Silver flip over into doggie and she shows off her nice little handfuls and Dick pulls out and cums on her ass as the music on the soundtrack spins down.  The crew looks for Harry to see if everything’s OK, but he’s in the bathroom having drops put in his eyes by Yvonne.  Harry returns to set and Charger says that he’s going to give Frances the part, but Harry protests saying it’s an anal scene; the scene ends with Mrs. Exeter yelling “My daughter is going to be a very big star!

(The thought that an anal scene is being treated as some sort of dramatic plot device in Harry’s movie is amusing.)

Cut to Harry’s apartment and Drumm is sucking him off, but he’s not really into it until she suggests he cum in her mouth.  Harry asks her to grab more vodka.  This whole “Frances Does Anal” situation is not sitting well with him, and he’s drinking quite a bit now.  He directs Drumm’s cocksucking with lots of dirty talking.  After some doggie style fucking, he pulls out and jerks off over her tits.

“John Leslie is a big drill,” one of the PAs says, before going on to explain a drill is a “box office draw”.  Harry mentions his films are big box office, does that make him a drill?  The PA says “Only if you fuck on film, Harry.” Since that’s not going to happen, he has only one reply: “Oh, forget it.”

John Leslie, clad in tan scarf and sweater, sheepishly comes over and introduces himself to Harry.  It’s a funny bit of dialogue.

JL: Hi, John Leslie. You Harry Crocker?

HC: Yes.

JL: Nice to meet you.  I heard a lot about your films.  I hear they’re very good.

HC: Thanks, John.  It’s nice to see you again, John. Have you seen any of my pictures?

JL: No, no.  I hardly have time to see my own.  No offense.

HC: I’ve seen a couple of yours…  the ones that Chuck Weston did.

JL: Oh yeah, you know, he’s the best.

HC: That right?

John saunters over to see Marilyn and they have a real nice reunion, lots of warmth and old jokes between them.  Marilyn walks over to Harry and says that she’s going to do it her way, “sexual improvisation.”  They argue about Harry’s domain over the movie, and she storms off saying that “we’re the ones fucking our brains out in front of the camera.”

This is an ongoing motif, the notion that those who don’t fuck on screen are less than those that do.

They roll into the scene and Marilyn and John talk a lot during their scene.  A lot of this is more porno for the mind than the groin.  She rubs his cock thru his pants, and he shoves his fingers into her mouth, telling her to suck on them.  SO much talking.  Which means interaction.  Not robo-fucking.  That lines like “You make me feel so beautiful” can be followed by “Bury your fingers in my cunt” and not feel out of place is a testament to how good Leslie and Nichols are (and Pachard, by extension, since he allows his atmosphere to be fostered.)  He mounts her, he pulls out and jerks off on her chin.

Harry gives the scene a slow clap (!!!) and the crew joins in.

Afterwards, Harry is walking Marilyn out to her car and she asks him how it felt to give up control.  He says how does she know he gave anything up? He then asks her back to his apartment for dinner if she’s hungry.  “I just fucked my brains out in front of the camera, and you ask me if  I’m hungry?”

At the apartment, Harry mentions that Charger wants her to do one more sex scene, but he doesn’t want her to:

HARRY: I don’t want to direct you anymore in a sex scene – or rather I should  say “witness” sex scene, since you want to direct yourself.

MARILYN: What’s wrong, Harry.  Insecure when you can’t direct?

HARRY: No, it’s not that it.  It’s because I love you.

MARILYN: What, Harry?

HARRY: I’m falling in love with you, I can’t help it; and I don’t want to be on the set while you’re fucking other guys.

MARILYN: I’ll be damned.  Harry Crocker!  You been drinking Harry? (She pours more wine)  How can you love me?  I’m a porn star?

HARRY: What makes you think that you can’t be loved? I just told you I loved you, and I haven’t even gotten into your pants yet.  I haven’t even kissed you yet.

MARILYN: Want a kiss Harry?  Want your cock sucked Harry? Better yet, you want me to suck your asshole while another girl sucks your cock?  Or better yet, you want to fuck me in the ass?  Do you still love me?!! Cum on my tits?!

Saved by the doorbell.

Mrs. Exeter shows up, but Marilyn is on a tear.  She’s pissed.  Pissed at Harry and she’s going to take it out on the deplorable Mrs. Exeter.

“It’s about your daughter, right?  Come in Evelyn!” yells Marilyn.  “How are you going to do it Mrs. Exeter?  Fuck him? Suck him?  Relax, we’re all porno people here.  You really want your daughter fucked in the ass, Mrs. Exeter?”

EXETER: My daughter will be a star!

MARILYN: Have YOU ever been fucked in the ass, Mrs. Exeter?  Have YOU ever eaten pussy, Mrs. Exeter?

EXETER: I wans’t born yesterday.  I have had some experiences.

MARILYN: Get undressed Mrs. Exeter.  Don’t be shy.  Watch her, Harry.

And the humiliation begins.  Marilyn begins to undress.

EXETER: You want me to go down on you.

MARILYN: I want you to go down on Harry.  Suck his cock.  then I’ll have you suck my pussy.  It’s a wonderful industry, isn’t it?

It is so clear that maybe it is not.

MARILYN: SUCK HIS COCK. Oh, Harry look!  She’s playing with her pussy!  She likes it!

The scene continues with Harry powerfully thrusting into Mrs. Exeter while Marilyn jills herself.

MARILYN: She loves humilation, don’t you, Mrs. Exeter!

Marilyn makes Harry fuck Mrs. Exeter from behind while she gets her pussy eaten, berating Mrs. Exeter the whole time.  She makes Harry fuck Mrs. Exeter’s ass, and Harry looks right into Marilyn’s eyes as he does.  It’s pretty intense stuff.  He pulls out and cums on her ass as Marilyn pushes Mrs. Exeter away.

How could you know about me?

You want your daughter to be some super porno star, like me.

Did you cum when I licked your cunt?

Not really.  It’s not my scene.

She pours Harry and Mrs. Exeter some vodka as they all sit around, not looking at each other, panting.  Harry hands his glass to Mrs. Exeter and she downs it in one gulp.  He grabs his pants and looks at himself in the mirror, then at the vodka bottle in his hand, then the walks to the sink, empties the bottle into it and pulls on his pants as the surveys the wreckage of the women in his living room.  He states to Marilyn, “I am not directing you in any more sex scenes.”

Harry bounds back onto the set saying they’re “going to shoot film like crap thru a goose.”

Harry runs into meets with Charger who promises Frances will deliver the hottest ass-fucking scene he’s ever filmed.  “Wrong.  I’m not going to use her. ” He walks over to Frances and asks if she wants to do it.  She answers, simply, “no.”  Harry says “there you go..”  Charger is astonished Harry would embarrass the girl in front of her mother like that, to which Harry replies “She’ll have to get used to getting it up front, right?”

Mrs. Exeter comes over and tells Harry, “In spite of your business, Harry; and in spite of what you think of yourself deep down, you’re really a good man.  And in the same light, no matter what I appear to be, I’m not really a bad woman. Thank you, for protecting my daughter.”

After Harry puts the kibosh on using Marilyn in Frances’ place, Charger yells “Harry!  Rewrite the scene!  What do you think this is, art?!”

John Leslie comes up dressed as a Sheik and Harry looks at him and says “I have a problem,  and there’s only one way to solve it.”

Cut to Yvonne fluffing the Sheik’s cock (literally a 15 second scene), and we pan up to reveal the Sheik is (spoiler alert!) Harry.

Harry walks onto set to the applause of the crew.  He announces:

HARRY: Standby to roll sound… OK, let’s start off with the usual, 69 and some head…

MARILYN: Harry, relax.  Stop directing, OK?

HARRY: I love you.

MARILYN: You don’t have to fuck me in public to prove it.

HARRY: Yes I do.

MARILYN: I suppose you’re going to suck my pussy with all these people watching?

HARRY: Who’s directing this?  You or me?

She kisses him.

MARILYN: I hear you’re the best… or the second best director in the business.

HARRY: You’re right.  It’s only a movie.  Roll the sound!

They kiss some more.

MARILYN: Harry… say action.

HARRY: Ah. Action!

He removes the turban and glasses, a typical 80s romantic movie music theme plays and they perform a bit of foreplay on each other before a single-position missionary fuck.  She jerks him off all over her tits.

“And cut.”

In the end, this is a movie about being out of love – out of love with your job, out of love with the dissolution of your marriage – and finding a new connection and a way to get back into love. It’s a pretty brave subject for porn, and while it may require a slightly forgiving eye in these modern days, a lot of 80s cinema does. It’s tough to watch some of the Chevy Chase / Goldie Hawn movies from that era without feeling that they, too, were so much a product of their times.

There’s not a lot of self-reflection in modern porn — maybe not in modern society, so these “grown up” movies feel like something for people a little older than the Barely Legal folk on both sides of the gender aisle that so much of today’s porn seems aimed at. (Am I turning into an old man with my railing on things modern?)

Back on the radio show, we talked about some of the supporting players in the movie, Dick Howard (good utility guy) and Silver Starr (bit player, very short career).  We also touched on our oldest movie in the database, which is a 14 minute loop from 1951 called “Smart Alec“ starring Candy Barr.

Thanks for all your support these past weeks, and I look forward to continuing. Please use our comments section to let us know what you think, or offer us some suggestions for upcoming segments.

[UPDATE: 04-10-13: Dick Howard is better known as Jeremy Stone/Tim Connelly, publisher of Adam Film World and ex-husband of Christy Canyon.]

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Sexcapades (1983)

Tonight on Playboy Radio’s Night Calls, Nicki Hunter and Debi Diamond and I (briefly) discussed Henri Pachard’s 1983 comedy, Sexcapades.  (An ass slapping contest ran long, so our segment was cut a bit short.)

Eric Edwards plays Harry Crocker, an ex-porn director turned documentary filmmaker who has to return to porn to help himself out of his financial woes.  He’s married to Sharon Mitchell (who won the AVN Award for Best Actress for her performance) who is not a fan of his porno past or the possibilities of what will happen when Harry re-enters the scene.

The movie opens with Yvonne (Joanna Storm) and Billy (Alan Adrian) auditioning for Harry and the head of the studio (and his ex-wife), Lorraine, played by Lee Carroll.  The couple try gamely to show off their sexual skills, but the scene is mostly played for some laughs as Harry looks on disinterestedly.  Joanna demonstrates a variety of positions — blowjob (“See how I hold the base of his cock?  It’ll now stay hard for as long as I want.“), to rimming with a reach-around, to cowgirl with a break for Joanna to put some socks under her knees to “prevent rug burn.”  Alan is ready to pop, but Joanna still has more tricks she wants to show off, but she has to make do with letting him flop out of her and then jerking him off.

The movie was shot in New York, so we’re treated to some exteriors and shots of NYC traffic.

Harry goes home and breaks the news to his wife Miriam (Sharon Mitchell) that not only is he going back into porn, it’s because they’re broke; and not only are they broke, they have to shoot the movie in their house.  In their bed.  To which Miriam responds “Not on our good sheets, OK?  They’re not to use our towels either… and the maid is not to see any of this filth…”

As they lay in bed, Pachard gives us some awesome porno dialog, winking the whole time:

HARRY: Come on spread your legs.


HARRY: Because my cock is hard and swollen.

MIRIAM: Don’t speak like that!

HARRY: Like what?

MIRIAM: Like that dirty porno language.

HARRY: (with a tease in his voice): My manhood is standing proud, with a desire to plunge into your heavenly secrets; my little rooster is ready to cock-a-doodle-doo! My soldier is standing at attention with a desire to… to…

MIRIAM: To what?


MIRIAM: Don’t wake the maid!

And then they go at it; with her slapping his hands away when he tries to finger her, and he just does a take to the camera that is just Jack Benny perfect.  (Is Jack Benny too old a reference?)

After a bit of rug-munching, Miriam says “OK, come on…” and he mounts his good lady wife in the missionary position, like a dutiful husband.

After a bit he rolls off and implores her, “Come on, sit on top of it.” and she says “You know I can’t” and he gets her up there and he says “So, now fuck me!” and she asks plainly “Can’t we just make love?”  So he says “I love you, now FUCK ME.” and she gets into it, grabbing the headboard and giving herself over to it, until he tries to put a finger in her ass – “What are you doing?  Get out of THERE!” and he pulls out and cums on her ass.  “Harry?  Why did you take it out?”

“I don’t know.”

This is an excellent example of sex scene servicing character.  His needs are changing and hers aren’t.  Their lovemaking as a couple seems to be a standard missionary then cum-inside affair, and when he tries to spice it up, in a rather realistic way, he is rebuffed.

The next morning they discuss the need for him to use his real name instead of a pseudonym.  “I’m a filmmaker!  I can’t just use a different name!” “It’s just porn; it’s only a movie, Harry!”

Bridget (Sharon Kane) shows up to audition for the maid, which makes Mai Lin curious, as she’s the maid.  Bridget explains, she’s auditioning for the role of the maid, not the actual maid.  Har har.

Sharon spouts her resume — “Mostly loops in San Francisco.  I sucked of Johnny… got him down to here!” she says with pride, before Harry tells her he’s not interested in that (or her offer of a blowjob in the bathroom) but he wants her to read from the script.  To really audition…

Cut to a montage of the crew prepping Harry’s apartment, then we get to the shooting.  Harry’s “art” is getting in the way of the shooting schedule and publicity needs (“No man is going to fuck his maid in the bathroom as she’s scrubbing the tiles!” This is especially funny since of Pachard’s penchant for bathroom scenes…)  A lot of the humor comes from the notion that porn sets are worried about overtime and union crews.

The movie maid, Felicia (Ashley Welles) and Byron (Michael Bruce) have a funny sex scene in its constant interruptions — flubbed lines, Michael shouting “Oui, oui!” and Ashley yelling “Not in my pussy you aren’t!” which breaks the action enough that Michael goes soft, and when he asks for a blowjob to get him hard again, she’s interrupted for a quick application of more lipstick… and then Harry’s constant direction, which must have been a nightmare for the sound guy to edit around.  PAs are brought in to wipe away sweaty brows like nurses on M*A*S*H*  They finally get back to fucking and an offstage voice implores “Harry, look at the bruises on that ass!  Where’s makeup?!?”

After Michael pulls out and cums on Ashley’s ass, they wrap the scene and Harry and Co. sit on a couch and lament the scene.  Harry yells “Pulls out and cums on her ass?!?  Who does that!?  That’s not reality!”  (Of course, that’s exactly what he did with his wife the night before…).  Harry is worried about the script and is told “Harry, stop writing… and you’ll discover the end!”

Bridget (Sharon Kane)  shows up in Lorraine’s (Lee Carroll) office for the audition she didn’t get with Harry.  Lorraine makes Bridget put on a strap on and asks “How does it feel  having a cock?”

“See what a man sees when he’s getting a cock sucked?  See how a man looks down on you when the cock is sticking in your face?”  Lorraine hands Bridget some lube and orders her to show her how a man “jacks off.”  Lorraine continues to order Bridget around – bossing her around to suck her pussy while stroking that cock.  She taunts her “Do you have orgasms yet, Bridget?  I do!” and then Sharon takes her doggie style.  “There’s not a woman in the world who can do what I do!” she yells as she’s getting fucked.

When they’re done, Bridget moans — “This has been really incredible and really hot.  I had no idea, Lorraine.”


But, after a very short catch-their-breath break, Lorraine insists “Now fuck me in the ass!  Fuck me in the ass, you cunt!”  Bridget is a bit taken aback — “Have you done this before?” – but obliges… then she starts to take the dominant role, yelling “Do you want to come again, Lorraine?  This little girl is going to make you cum!”

There are some really great interpersonal dynamics at play here.

(As an aside, one of the most amazing things about seeing Lee Carroll getting it from behind is how pristine her asshole looks.  This wasn’t someone who had a lot of anal sex…)

We then get a quick scene between Bridget and an uncredited Joe Santini where Harry is imploring him — while the rest of the crew stands by — to “get your nose up in there!” as he’s eating her out.  They quickly fuck on a chair which has Miriam upset, asking “Harry, can you have them not fuck on the chair?  We just had it reupholstered!”


We get to the heart of it the next morning with an argument between Miriam and Harry.

MIRIAM: I can’t take it any longer! …  Nose fucking!  You know what, Harry!  You disgust me!

HARRY: Fuck you.

MIRIAM: What? What did you say to me?

HARRY: What am I supposed to do?  Show you that I’m miserable in my work? That I don’t like what I’m doing? Well, let me tell you something, Miriam.  This is going to be a great —

MIRIAM: It’s just a fuck film, Harry!  Nothing more! It’s a crap porno!

HARRY: So what?! It doesn’t have to be anything else!  It’s supposed to turn people on.  Arouse them! Sexually!  There’s nothing wrong with that, Miriam; tho it might be a new experience for you.

MIRIAM: What are you trying to say, Harry?  That I’m not sensual? That I’m frigid? Answer me!

HARRY: You’re not exactly what we would call orgasmic, Miriam.

MIRIAM: Fuck. You.  (She leaves)

HARRY: That’s really what it’s all about, isn’t it.

Next up, Mary Ann(Tiffany Clark) is bitching about costumes and wants to meet her co-star.  Harry wants none of it.  “Honey, I need to keep you away from him. It’s the way it happens in the story. The two characters never meet until they make love.”

Harry is all about the story… except Miriam appears and says “So, Lorraine tells me you don’t have an ending.”

Mary Ann’s scene partner, Alex (George Payne), walks in wearing Harry’s robe (“I found it in the bathroom”) and gets the rundown of the scene and the sex within it.

As they fuck, and she thanks Alex for fucking her, Harry starts giving direction to her face.  “I want everybody in this room to watch her.  Everyone in this room is watching you being fucked.  Now you look around. I want to see some animal!”  Alex pumps rapidly, “Do you want to come inside her?” Harry asks.  “No!  Cum in her mouth!  Fuck her mouth!  Keep those eyes open!  Make him come!  Make him come in your mouth!” but she asks for more fucking… and more fucking she gets.  She pulls Alex’s ass into her, and then wraps her arms around Harry who is whispering direction on and on, until he pins her arms down … but then she kisses Harry.

This action is not lost on Miriam who has been watching this whole thing, and Harry looks up at her and sneers, “Cut.”

Wow.  He’s fucking on a whole different level.  Mind fuck.

The next day Harry is making himself a drink and Miriam is heading out, but not before she tells him:

“You’re not making this film for money.  If you were, it’d be done already.  If you don’t straighten out, then Harry’s finished and Miriam’s finished.”

This is very much a departure from so much in porn where spouses don’t mind each other fucking around.  There is jealousy here, and it’s an emotion not often dealt with in porn.

After Miriam leaves for the store, Harry finds his way upstairs and fucks the maid (Mai Lin) in the bathroom as she’s cleaning the tiles.  They actually talk about the ramifications of their actions, and he assures her it’ll be fine and he won’t “come in her mouth.”  (One of the three great lies, along with “The check’s in the mail” and “I’ll do it first thing Monday morning.”)  So she blows him, then he fucks her and she ends up blowing him again and as he’s cumming in her mouth, Miriam walks back in and catches them, shouting “MAID FUCKER!”  (We never see the semen, so tough to say if he really came or not…)

Miram throws Harry out of the house and tells him he’ll never finish the picture, and he’s certainly not allowed to shoot in the house, anymore.

He’s stuck walking the streets of New York, passing Henri Pachard offering a proposition in a badly dubbed scene (guess it was easier to shoot silent on the streets of NYC) and he ends up at Lorraine’s apartment.  He tells her about the maid fucking… but he’s fixated on finishing the film… until the Maid walks in!  (We know it’s his old maid because of the oriental music on the soundtrack played in both of their trysts.)

Suddenly everyone is blowing Harry, then Mai Lin lays back and lets Harry finger her while Lorraine blows Harry, with occasional breaks for muff diving.  The the Maid fucks him reverse cowgirl while Lorraine plays with his balls and takes some licks on the maid.  The scene them jumps around quite a bit, until Lorraine pulls Harry’s cock out of the maid and has him come in her mouth.

Roll credits.

The scenes I picked as best in the bunch were the Sharon Kane / Lee Carroll pairing and the Tiffany Clark / George Payne pairing, the latter made special by Eric Edwards’ totally clothed participation in the scene.

Next week, we’ll talk about the sequel, 1984’s Great Sexpectations.




Tonight on Playboy Radio: Devil in Miss Jones 2

Made it back to the office just in time tonight to speak with Nicki and Debi about The Devil In Miss Jones II by Henri Pachard. THIS MOVIE IS AN ALL-TIME CLASSIC. All directors should watch this movie like Welles watched Stagecoach before attempting to direct a movie.

The flick starts out with Miss Jones (Georgina Spelvin) in Hell, hitching a ride on Cyrano’s nose — but being porn his nose is penis shaped. Sex is not forbidden in Hell, but orgasm is. Of course, Miss Jones is on the brink, and the bells and buzzers start going off warning the Devil and his staff of the impending bliss…

Hell’s minions — large penis helmeted guards — come running and carry Miss Jones off to see the devil himself, Jack Wrangler.

Jack is awesome. He’s a golden boy all the way, but man, he can act. So can R Bolla as his advocate. (Get it, the Devil’s Advocate?)

There is a tremendous amount of banter in this movie, all of it fast and all of it funny. I was laughing quite a lot during the flick. Couples films of today should use this as a pattern.

Miss Jones makes the Devil cum (a flaming special effect that should make Pachard proud) and in return, she gets to go back to earth for an eternity of lust. The rest of the film is spent between earth and Hell as the Devil tries to keep tabs on Miss Jones, as he is falling in love with her.

Much is made of King Edward who abdicated the throne of England, and parallels are make between he and Lucifer.

Ron Jeremy (in a brief autofellating role), Sharon Mitchell and others have small roles throughout the film playing hell’s denizens. R Bolla stumbles upon Ron fucking some young lass, he stops as if caught, and says “Don’t worry, boss, I won’t cum…”

Meanwhile, back on earth, Justine is thrown into the body of high priced call girl Jacqueline Lorains. YUMMY!

Highlight of her scenes is a great scene between her and a meek john, Bobby Astyr. Playing an older version of the nerd perfected by Eddie Deezen (think Eugene in Grease) he is kinda embarrassed by his fetish.

“Spanking?” she asks. “No, Miss Roxanne…” “Golden Showers?” “Oh no, Miss Roxanne…” “Dress up?” He smiles. “You promise you won’t laugh?”

“I’m a professional. Just give my 500 bucks and tell me your fantasy”

“500 bucks!” shouts the Devil, remembering that back in 1982, 500 bucks actually was a chunk of change.  Shit, it’s a chunk of change now.

Bobby Astyr comes out of the bathroom in his costume. He is dressed as the devil and has a Satan head french tickler on his cock. She is laughing hysterically, he is self-conscious, and the Devil is irked. A brilliant scene, worth the rental price alone.

The rest of the film has justine being popped from body to body, Private Benjamin (Joanna Storm – YUM!) (look for Pachard as her drill sergeant), tupperware saleslady, nun and finally back to call girl. All the while, she is watched by the smitten Jack Wrangler who is missing her more and more.

The movie ends with a great little scene between Joey Silvera and Jacqueline Lorains. All he wants is for her to say she loves him when he cums. It is an obsession of his, and she can’t quite bring herself to do it. She finally does, put then gets the feeling she’s being watched. She’s spooked and yells “Cyrano is that you?” Cyrano walks in, stoking himself, and then shooting flames as he cums.

“I abdicated” says Jack Wrangler. “I didn’t quit or resign, I abdicated.” Those lines are delivered with a truth rarely seen in adult films then or now.

On the Imperial scale, this gets a 4.00 It was made before 1984 so it’s not so rare, but MAN, run out and get this or watch it on VOD.

There isn’t any crazy stuff in it — not even any anal — but it is a movie that both entertains and arouses.