Today is Legends Day on Spice Radio’s YouPorn and Serena will be on the show with Christy and Ginger, so I’ll be on the show beforehand (around 2:30 Easter, 11:30 Pacific) talking about Taxi Girls, Jourdan Alexander’s 1979 light sex romp.
The plot is breezy enough – mostly – cops round up the city’s streetwalkers, so they decide to open a taxi service as a cover. They run into a bunch of roadblocks along the way, along with a rape at the end that really monkeys with the film’s tone.
There a shitload of people in this movie and all pop in and out. This is Nancy Suiter‘s movie from top to bottom (and what a bottom!) and she has a lot of really really short sex scenes (the 16 scenes we list are less “scenes” and more “pairings”; some of the scenes are 60 seconds long; some are part of a larger sequence.)
At the top of movie under the credits, we see the town’s hookers being carted off to jail. Once we’re in the cell, we take care of Scenes 1-3 in our breakdown which takes about 15 minutes. We see our heroine, Toni (Nancy Suiter), intently studying a newspaper while her cellmates –Amika Giortano, Nancy Suiter, Pat Manning, Hillary Summers and Nancy Hoffman – work on getting the guard Mitch Morrill into the cell so they can fuck him and use his keys to escape.
With the cell door open, Stacy Goldman goes to the sergent’s desk and fucks a reluctant George Mitchell (under the desk!!) who has to deal with a ringing phone and a complaining old lady. The old lady is a riot. They move into the cel where it’s easier to fuck.
Hillary Summers and Nancy Hoffman keep to themselves and engage in some fisting which you won’t find in the modern releases of the movie. (I had to go back to the dubbed, Dutch subtitled VHS copy Peter sent me to see what was cut.) They girls do some obscured 69 before Nancy Hoffman slips her hand into Hillary Summers.
Pat Manning does most of the heavy lifting with Mitch Morrill, tho she does allow Amika Giortano to get some licks in. Nancy Suiter‘s involvement is limited to Mitch eating her out while she continues to study the newspaper. Mitch eventually cums on Pat’s face, all while keeping a finger in Suiter’s twat.
A bunch of girls walk out of the cell (far more than had the sex) leaving the two cops and Nancy Suiter who is exclaiming “I got it!” as she’s reading the paper. She discovered the ad for “Drivers TAXI MEN/WOMEN” and has found her calling.
We see Toni driving the cab and a fare asks her “What’s a nice girl like you doing driving a cab?” and she says with a leer “I do other things, too!) and we cut to him holding out a $100 bill and he undresses while making small talk about her stand-up comedy aspirations… “But just want people to like me for my head” and he says “I want to like you for your head too!” and she drops to her knees and takes him into her mouth… AND THEN WE’RE DONE! (WHAT?!? There should be much more of a blowjob scene here, but alas, there is not… )
Back in the cab, two guys (Unknown Male 5505-D and Unknown Male 5505-E) are in the backseat discussing stocks and another (Unknown Male 5505-F) is in the front getting his limp cock jerked three or four times as they’re driving.
We cut to another passenger, Alan B. Colberg, who works a dildo into Toni’s twat as she’s driving. The overdubbed audio here is horrendous. Most of the overdubbed levels are awful on the VCX VOD version I was reviewing at HotMovies; the Arrow levels are correct… so if you have pick one to watch, go with the Arrow version.
These scenes – 4-6 in our breakdown – take 90 seconds for the lot.
Toni sees some of the girls on the street and shows them the wad of cash she’s made in the afternoon. Toni says she’s going to get some cabs, and the girls (Aubrey Nichols, Amika Giortano, Serena andStacy Goldman ) go over to see Teddy (Mike Ranger) , the taxi owner, to convince him to give all the girls jobs… and by convince, I mean have sex with. We start with Toni blowing him and then Aubrey gives a little 69 action before Toni mounts him. Aubrey stays on his face as Toni makes out with her and sucks her tits. Serena plays with his balls and jerks him off (with a little lick at the end) to finish him off. Amika and Stacy are there naked, but don’t really participate
Toni asks for 10 cabs, but Teddy says no deal, and they vow to run him out of business.
Toni and some more girls head to the bank to get a loan. Candida Royalle asks the loan officer (Unknown Male 5505-G) if they have a “lawaway loan — you know, lay now, pay later?” Some cute stilted, double-entendre dialogue (and a quick no-finish blowjob from Stacy Goldman) later and they adjourn to see his boss, John Seeman.
The usual four sex girls (Aubrey Nichols, Amika Giortano, Nancy Suiter and Stacy Goldman) take on John Seeman (wearing thick glasses and a silly chin beard.) Amika starts things off with a blowjob, then they lay him on the floor, but all he can think of is collateral. Aubrey rides him as Toni makes out with him. Aubrey jumps off and jerks him off to pop and Amika comes in and helps her clean him up. Poor Stacy is left out like the runt unable to get to mama’s teat. He signs off on the loan amid promises of being driven around anywhere.
The girls show up on a car lot and find a car to get the company started. The car salesman, R.J. Reynolds, doesn’t really want to move on price, but the girls say “If you go down, so will we!” and the pack of girls leads him into the office, but our Gang of Four (Aubrey Nichols, Amika Giortano, Nancy Suiter and Stacy Goldman) tend to his needs. First up, Aubrey blows him, taking him effortlessly to the root, and the other girls are on the couch and ask if he’s like to see a blond, brunette or a redhead, and he says he’d like to see them all — so Nancy and Stacy attack Amika; Nancy handling above the waist and Stacy tending to downstairs. R.J. really plays up the sex talk and eventually makes his way over to the couch (much to Aubrey’s dismay, she has a priceless “what I’d do wrong?” look on her face) where the throws a few humps into Amika before pulling out and blowing his load on her bush.
The girls chisel R.J. down to $2200, but in the next shot, we see a fleet of Red Ford Fairmonts pull up next to a cab line and steal a whole bunch of customers.
Next, we meet Harold his wife, and she’s fighting with her dog and he offers to take the dog for a walk. He ties the dog to a fire hydrant as Toni’s cab pulls up, he jumps in asking to go “where my wife won’t see us” and off they go.
We see another guy riding in the cab and he flips on Little Orphan Dusty (also directed by Jourdan Alexander) where he briefly watches Rhonda Jo Petty blow Turk Lyon (RIP) before asking Toni for “the real thing” , but she demurs saying she has to be on stage in a half hour and he should catch one of her other girls.
We then cut to the comedy club where we see one of the comics finishing up, the emcee comes out and introduces Toni. She opens with “Any of you recognize me?” and then launches into her routine.
Afterwards, we get some odd flashback scene of someone leaving Toni with an echoy voiceover and then a scene between her and John Holmes. This is probably the most “conventional” scene in the movie as it takes place on a bed between only two people. He starts by going own on her and she grinds her hips into him as she cums, the he slides into missionary for awhile befre flippeing her over doggie style where we really get to see That Which Made Him Famous. He finishes by climbing on her and sliding his dick into her mouth and then jerking off onto her tits.
Cut to Tommy’s taxi stand and there’s a revolt among his drivers. Seems the girls are taking their business and he has to lay them all off. This pisses the drivers off and they vow to exact revenge.
Meanwhile, the girls are still doing their thing, driving around a corporate bigwig while he’s being blown by two girls in the backseat. It’s a pretty good BJ scene.
Next cab fare has a guy complaining about the sex doll he has to fuck — he only has 20 bucks after all… so he fucks the sex doll. More funny than hot.
Back at the comedy club, John Holmes is waiting for Toni, and we get a glimpse of Svetlana doing part of her set on stage.
At the end of a dark street, Bud Wise and Jamie Gillis kidnap Serena and take her to a warehouse to rape her so hard, her ass “will be too red to sit down in a cab.” Gillis fucks her from behind as Bud Wise shoves his cock down her throat. There’s a lot of yelling, and more guys show up and eventually they drag Toni in with them.
Holmes takes a competing cab ride home and gets wind of something going from the other driver. Once home, Holmes calls into the girls’ dispatch and has everyone meet him up at the address he heard in Tommy’s guy’s cab.
“It’s not so bad is it?” Jamie purrs in Toni’s ear. She also manages to capture the dead eye look as he’s fucking her. Way Creepy.
Finally, the guys cum on Serena and Toni’s faces, as the other girls come in carrying crowbars and billy clubs , and they attack the male cabbies, beating them senseless and rescuing their own. Toni has her wits about her, but Serena is all fuck-drunk, looking like she’s been through a war.
Toni’s apparently got herself arrested and she’s getting dressed for court. She promises Holmes that she’s done.
She gets to court, and the judge is Harold! The guy with the dog! The defendant pleads guilty, but the judge insists on seeing her in his chamber, where he quickly disrobes and has her “serve her sentence” (I mean blow him.)
Like most blowjobs in this movie, this one lasts 20 seconds and – unlike the other BJs – is interrupted by the “THE END” title card.
[UPDATE: Well, that was … something. I was dropped into the middle of an Abbott and Costello routine with a heaping dose of Marx Brothers. Lots of confused wordplay, gender mix-ups, and hysterical misreading of the review.]