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Today on Radio Sex: Candy Stripers (1978)

candystripersposterSo we’re back on the radio again around 2:40 Eastern after a week off  — Radio Sex is now Sirius XM 102  – – and we’ll be talking about Bob Chinn‘s 1978 classic, Candy Stripers.

This movie is notorious for having two fisting scenes in it, and one of the scenes is actually a double-fisting.  The uncut version of the movie hasn’t been released on DVD or VOD for fear of prosecution over the fisting, but you can find the uncut movie online (cough, xhamster, cough).  HOWEVER, the fisting scenes are hidden on the DVD (copped from Greybeard’s review of the film over at Adult DVD Talk):

Now to the Easter Egg stuff. … Here’s how to get to the scenes: After the Arrow Trailers, the following message is shown: “Easter Egg! To find the deleted scenes, start at the Main Menu, and from ‘Play Movie’, click a combination of four arrow buttons to access this Easter Egg.” … the correct combination of buttons once you are highlighted on “Play Movie” is: Right, Down, Right, Left, Enter. You can also simply play Title 2 using your DVD player’s navigation buttons.

The original running time of the film is 84 minutes, but with the cut scenes, we’re down to 73 on the DVD/VOD offerings.

We list 16 scenes, but that’s a bit misleading; many of the scenes are intercut or are very brief.

The movie doesn’t waste any time, starting out with Cris Cassidy (billed here as Montana) and medical intern Joey Silvera banging in her bed; but the coitus is interrupted by a phone call from Cris’ friend — but she asks her friend to hold on a minute so Joey can finish up.  The whole scene is about 90 seconds.  Cris then finishes talking to her friend, setting up the rest of the movie.

Roll opening credits.

Stock shots of ambulances pulling in to a hospital and Cris getting out and going in to work while a wah-wah laden theme song plays.

The credits tell us we have three Candy Stripers — Cris Cassidy. Amber Hunt and Nancy Hoffman — and they’re there to deliver newspapers and provide comfort to the afflicted.   There are also some nurses, Lauren Black and Mimi Morgan watching over the hospital’s patients; and those patients include Paul ThomasRock Steadie and Phaedra Grant.

The plot, such as it is, concerns Nancy Hoffman‘s last day as a candy striper and her shenanigans.  No one knows where she is, so the head striper, Sarge (Sharon Thorpe), searches and finds her in the linen closet blowing a doctor (Richard Pacheco).  It’s a brief blowjob scene with him telling her to not “get any on her uniform!” when he cums on her face.  There’s lots of silly puns and musical stingers.   Sarge has an Alison Brie vibe going on, and I won’t be complaining about that.

The stripers then head out to see other patients – Amber (in cliche’d 70s rose colored glasses) goes to see Rock whom she has pee in a erlenmeyer flask and then she cleans him off with her mouth.  He goes on to tell her how he fantasized about her the night before while he jerked off.

Cut back to the nurses station and Sarge is angry that Nancy has gone missing again, but we know she’s under the nurses station eating out nurse Lauren Black.

Cris goes back to see Phaedra with a delivery of giant bananas.  They tease each other about Richard Pacheco‘s desire to get with Phaedra, and Cris leaves, promising to return soon.

Cut back to Rock and Amber in a 69.

Cut back to the Nurses Station where Nancy is now eating out Nurse Mimi Morgan.  (It’s a throwaway gag)

Cut back to Rock and Amber where he’s eating her and then he gets her doggie style and works most of his fist into her.  She then rolls onto her back where he can really work himself upside her.  He doesn’t move a lot when he’s up there, but she bucks her hips like crazy and pulls his wrist deeper into her. It’s a long sequence; almost five minutes.

Then we meet patient Paul Thomas and his guest Eileen Wells.  He has her finger herself and let him taste them.  Nancy Hoffman walks in on them and is invited into the action.

Sarge busts into Phaedra’s room, interrupting her banana masturbation session, and Cris comes into give her a sponge bath and finds the banana sticking out of her snatch.  Phaedra is mortally embarrassed, and Cris lends a loving hand.  She teases that Phaedra would live Dr. Hart to be there, but Dr. Hart can’t do this — as she rotates the banana all the way around and then Cris goes down on her.

Back to PT, Eileen and Nancy and Nancy is eating out Eileen (this girl eats a ton of pussy in this movie!) and they strip down, and then Eileen tells Nancy to stick a finger in, then “stick them all in” and we have our second fisting of the movie.  Eileen massages herself while Nancy keeps herself steady, gently rocking in rhythem with Eileen’s hips and then thrusting a bit more.  PT warns Nancy “Don’t lose your watch!” and then after a few moments, an unexpected turn of events – Nancy slides a second hand into Eileen.  (Granted, Nancy was a small girl, but still.) PT gets into the action, leaning out of the bed to suckle on Eileen’s left breast and to massage her clit.  They also make out a bit.  ancy then is throwing her whole body into the endeavor, smiling like its Christmas morning. Finally its over, and Nancy slips herself out and goes back to eating before a cut where Eileen is in bed with PT while he’s fucking Nancy doggie style. Then he fucks Eileen doggie while Nancy is under them and he cums on Nancy’s face.  (She doesn’t do a great job of dodging his balls while he’s banging  Eileen – looks like it could have hurt…)

Cut to a really nice overhead shot of Cris and Phaedra in a 69 as they wrap up their lovemaking.

That gets us thru the first seven pairings of the movie, and there’s only a half hour to go…

amber_csAmber (in her heart shaped rose glasses) goes home to bang intern Joey, and while she wishes it was a little more romantic, she has no trouble stepping out of her uniform to reveal her naked form.  There’s a cute bit of them in bed and she complains about his socks being on…

Cut back to the hospital and everyone is getting ready for Nancy’s going away party. The operating theatre is decked out in streamers and everyone is there – except Amber and Joey who are having their own party  – and Sarge.  But then, speak of the devil, there’s Sarge! And she’s sad that everyone thinks she’s a prude, so she downs her drink (vodka?) and tells Nancy to “eat [her] out and get the party started!”

Back with Joey and Amber, he makes the confession that he wants to suck her asshole, and she treats it like the most romantic thing ever.

Back at the orgy, we get the rest of our scene pairings out of the way all at once.  We find out that Sarge’s name tag is “Virginia O’Neil”

Nancy is literally dripping wet as Sarge eats her out.  Everyone gets a little  action, and orgy is well covered.  Shots linger just long enough to build excitement and you can tell who everyone is.  The only newcomer is Don Fernando who is brought in to make the pairings work out, and he and his shaggy hair bang both the nurses, Nurse Lauren Black and then Mimi Morgan in mish and scissor before she jerks him off. (The credits say that David Clark was in the orgy, but I can’t pick him out.  Anyone?)

The orgy winds down with PT blowing his load on Eileen’s face and she and Cris clean him off.  Meanwhile Richard Pacheco nails his patient Phaedra Grant bring their story to a close as he cums (no hands, John Leslie style) on her belly.  Since Don turned his attentions to Mimi, Lauren went over and finished her story off with a Rock Steadie blow job until he came on her face.

Cut back to the apartment, and Joey and Amber are humping away in mish until he cums on her box.  (Man, her hip bones are PRONOUNCED.)

Finally, we’re back in the OR and Sarge is laid on the table and all the nurses, patients and remaining candy stripers service her, while Sarge eats Eileen.

Finally, we’re back at the Nurses Station the next day and chesty new Candy Striper, Bron White, is starting her new job.  The nurses drool over her large chest and as Bron walks away, she drops a folder and bends over to pick it up, giving us a nice shot of her ass thru her panties which stays on the screen as the credits roll.

For an excellent analysis of this movie and the comedy within, please check out one of my favorite reviews on the movie: We Have No Bananas: Joke Structure in CANDY STRIPERS (1978) over at Exploding Kinetoscope

Bob Chinn is one of my favorite directors of this era (Hot and Saucy Pizza Girls, Let’s Get Physical) and this is one of my favorites of his.  It proves you don’t need a real plot – just a scenario to hang things on.  “Three Candy Stripers will do anything to make their patients feel better.”  Done.  Easy peasy.  Everyone at one time or another has had a doctor or nurse fantasy, so we got that going for us here too.

The girls are all uniformly attractive — and hairy, this was the late 70s after all — and seem to enjoy what they’re doing.  They’re partners in the proceedings as opposed to so many modern set ups where they are treated like props.

Since I know I’ll be asked, best scenes for me were the Cris Cassidy / Phaedra Grant and the Amber Hunt / Rock Steadie pairings.  And for Ginger – 4.5 out of 5 dicks.

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Hot and Saucy Pizza Girls (1977)

[UPDATE: I had mentioned a Facebook group on the show, Adult Movies 1968-1988 that has a lot of presence from the talent from back then. Join us.]

Tonight on Playboy Radio’s Night Calls (SiriusXM 102) we’ll be talking about Bob Chinn’s 1977 classic Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls.  (Due to a pre-existing obligation on my end, we’ll be starting a little earlier than usual — 7pm Eastern, 4 pm Pacific.)

At the Club 90 panel discussion the other night, the panel was asked what their most favorite moment was during their time in the industry. Candida Royalle wasted no time and said her happiest memory was learning to ride a skateboard with Desiree Cousteau and Laurien Dominique for this movie.  So, I figured that was as good a reason as any to re-visit it.  And, boy, I wasn’t disappointed.  What a fun movie this is!  It just exudes charm and good times out of every frame.

VCX’s blurb does it justice:  “This is a comic look at the fast food business and rates one of the best films ever. John Holmes operates a pizza delivery service that adds very special toppings provided by the delivery girls – Desiree, Candida, Chris and Laurien. But Paul Thomas and the fried chicken people enlist the aid of the infamous San Francisco Night Chicken to drive the pizza operation out of business. The sex scenes are exceptionally ludicrous in the very entertaining adult movie.”

The script is jokey but not in an eye-rolling way.  The movie opens with Desiree (playing a character named Ann Chovy) interviewing for a job at the Country Girl Pizza Parlor, and John Holmes is having a hard time reading her application.  The writing is very small in the box marked “sex” because she wrote “only once, in Alabama” in an effort to be completely honest and forthcoming, because this pizza place doesn’t just serve pizza, they serve a little sex with their pies, and Desiree is looking to be hired as a delivery girl.

This interview leads into our first sex scene, where John buries himself in her bush, both orally and then (um) dick-ily.  After a little fucking, he has her drop to her knees and blow him (“We don’t have all day!” he says) as he blows a great shot into her mouth and down her chin.

SPOILER ALERT: She gets the job.

Next up, we see the bumbling Inspector Blackie spying on the girls as they leave for their delivieries; he’s accompanied by something that sounds eerily like The Pink Panther theme.  He reminds me of my friend Alan.

Next up, we get three scenes intercut of the girls making their deliveries.

First up, Candida Royalle (who could really pass for iCarly’s older slutty sister here) hooking up with Richard Pacheco.  Next, Laurien Dominique hooks up with Paul Thomas until he gets his friend Spender Travis to join in.  And finally, Desiree Cousteau talk and talks and talks to Carl Regal who is having a real hard time eating her out with all the talking she’s doing about how cunnilingus is illegal in Alabama.

We don’t spend too much time on any of the couplings, and they’re all pretty standard.  Candida and Richard go at missionary; Lauren has PT under her as she blows Spender, (who cums on her chin; ans PT on her ass).

We then cut to Vicky Lindsay as an old horny housewife, whom we meet as she masturbates with a carrot while she’s waiting for Christine DeShaffer to show up.  And Chistine walks in, drops the pizza box on the ground, confirms the order and vigorously eats her out for all of 20 seconds and then leaves.  I think the whole sequence was 90 seconds long.

Then we’re back and forth between Desiree getting eaten out and Pacheco humping away until Desiree finally gets to her knees and blows Mr. Regal.  Cut to Pacheco banging away doggy style, but we don’t stay with it very long so we can cut back to Regal’s blowjob which ends with him jerking off onto her tits and she cleans him off.  (The reaction shots “cross the axis” in their pairing, which is visually a bit jarring.).  Finally, Candida tells her customer “Hey, cowboy!  Time for the round up!” and after a spirited round of pumping and chorus of She’s Coming Round The Mountain, he pulls out and cums on her ass as she rolls her eyes.

The whole sequence, scenes 2-6 on the IAFD listing was 13 minutes long.  The one thing you could count on about classic porn, there was no time to be bored.  On the other hand, there was no time to really build up a rhythm and linger on a pairing you might really like.

More slapstick from Inspector Blackie, who is unable to close the antenna on his walkie-talkie, and he chases Candida and Christine down on his own skateboard with a hand-held siren/megaphone.  They talk their way out of it (“You need to catch us on the way out, not on the way back in.  We already delvered our ‘pizzas!’)

Lauren gets paid by PT and Spender who sit and chat with Pacheco about their failing Fried Chicken franchise; so they hatch a plan to get the girls off the street (“Cheap, hot pussy… how are you going to compete with thaaaaat?”) and protect their investment. So, they hatch a plan to call in the “Night Chicken” some sort of rapist… because rape is funny….

So, as Christine is skateboarding at night, we hear some ominous music and chicken clucks.  As she goes to investigate, she is pulled inside an alcove and feathers literally start to fly…

The next day, John and his partner (played by director Bob Chinn under the alias Danny Hussong) are making pizzas and taking orders when there’s a scream in the back and Christine cops to being raped by the Night Chicken.  John and Danny explain that they’ve been after the Night Chicken for 10 years and they want their revenge.

Cut to Christine, Candida and John sitting naked and talking about the Chicken, and then Christine starts sucking John’s cock, but Candida is pissed by this, so she rips Christine off of John’s cock, and spins her around to force her to give HER head while John fucks her… the girls move to a 69 so John can take Candida from the rear, and then John pulls out and cums on Christine’s mouth and chin.

PT gets off the phone with the Chicken who assures him that the girls will be off the street before the next day… but the boys are thinking they might want to fuck them one more time before they’re out of business…

Next up, Desiree runs into her neighbor — who just happens to be Inspector Blackie!  (and he has an awful feminine headboard on his bed…) After some discussion about how he’s never had pizza,  they strip, she blows him then rides him.  She is a cute little thing with really great tits (that may or not be fake…)  They go at it doggie style, then missionary and finally he cums on her bush.

So PT ordered a pizza and Christine delivers it.  When no one answers the door, she lets herself in and we cut to PT verifying his order (“You must be the special stuffed mushroom, deep dish surprise!”) while she’s sucking his cock.  From there, they go to doggie and she gives up the ass, which he cums on 5 minutes later.

Skating around at night, Laurien hears the clucking down the alley, and again there’s feathers flying.

Laurien goes back to the pizza place and bitches that John didn’t offer any protection at all, and he starts to apologize when Christine walks in, spitting feathers out of her mouth.  John and Bob go looking for the Chicken, but come up empty.

Another pizza order comes in from Vickie, so Christine goes out and once again attacks her, this time with a giant dildo that has a crank on it.  This scene is just as short as their other pairing.

So, now, it’s all over except for the plot.  Inspector Blackie stumbles around in the dark and Desiree, walking down the street, hears the clucking but luckily her neighbor, Inspector Blackie is there to save her; so they run off to Niagra Falls as John and Bob run in to the alley to confront the Chicken.

The end is silly, as they come out of the alley with a tape recorder, and you can pretty much see the wink, Bob says “You don’t think it was Inspector Blackie, do you?” and we cut to his car driving away, with the license plate BAHK.

Roll credits.

This is a movie that doesn’t ask anything of you, other than to sit back, relax, and let it play over you like a school play.  There’s an genial easiness to the whole endeavor that you can’t take it seriously.  There’s some fine sex in it.  It’s not modern day porno sex, it’s classic porno sex.  Just like  rock music today isn’t much like rock music from 1977, same goes for porno.