Category: Radio

Today on Spice Radio: Ten Little Maidens (1985)

Whatever Ginger wants, Ginger gets…

At Ginger’s request, today on Spice Radio XM103’s YouPorn, we’ll be talking about Ten Little Maidens, a semi-hard to find John Seeman film from 1985.  The film is loosely based on Agatha Christie’s And Then There Were None (later remade as Ten Little Indians) where a group of people are sent to Indian Island and accused of murders.

Our movie starts on a more light-hearted note, with Kitten Natividad as a mail carrier going on her appointed rounds.  She stops at Harry Reems‘ house and she can’t but notice that he’s eating Ginger Lynn out on the couch.  Kitten can’t help but try to hit them with their mail as she peeps through the mail slot.  (Who could resist?)

Harry is eating Ginger out as he gets hit with the mail, then moves to a quick bout of fucking before Ginger returns the oral favor.  Lots of smiles from both parties throughout the blowjob.  Ginger is in her prime and Harry can’t shut up during the scene — “Look at that little mouth!” — but she gets him hard again before she lowers herself down on his cock for some cowgirl.  She gyrates her hips around before going face down on the couch so Harry can take her side-saddle doggie style.  There are some odd cuts of Kitten’s eyes peeping in intercut throughout. Ginger lets out these great little squeals as she’s getting fucked and finally Harry pulls out and jerks off all over back, hitting her hair.

They have a little snuggle afterwards and then Harry starts going through the mail — all bills — until he reads a letter offering an all-expenses paid trip to a “little ole island paradise” “You are herewith cordially invited to an all-expense paid erotic orgy to be held on Bacchanale Island on the weekend of May the seventh …  In anticipation of your acceptance, I have enclosed airline tickets for both of you and a friend of your choice.  Upon your arrival, a boat will be awaiting  you at Marina del Sol for your passage to my island of sensual pleasures.  I, my wife and my staff look forward to your joining on this most auspicious occasion.”

And they’re off!

There’s a sailing montage as they get to out the island of Harry and Ginger snuggling on the boat as a female vocalist sings on the soundtrack.  Harry and Ginger ooze an easy chemistry, with a lot of smiles and good vibes.  Eventually the snuggling and good times heats up as Ginger pulls out his cock and starts giving it a sucking as the captain tries not to look too interested in the proceedings…  there’s a lot of good eye contact in the blowjob, but it comes to an abrupt end as they approach the island.  Renfro (Jamie Gillis) approaches in a Zodiac, boards the yacht and welcomes them by name to the island.  Harry is somewhat taken aback as he didn’t pass along Ginger’s name, but Jamie explains the master of the house likes to know who his guests are.  Jamie grudgingly carries the bags up a steep hill, and when they arrive at the house, they are introduced to  the maid, Tabitha (Nina Hartley), who shows them to their room.

Harry asks Nina about the other guests, but she doesn’t know about any other guests.  This strikes Harry as odd.  They find some other folks lounging and swimming by the pool, but ominous chords on the soundtrack and a mysterious person pulling down a window shade let us know something might not quite be right.  Ginger excuses herself to take a shower as Harry goes out to get the lay of the land.

More peeping as we see Ginger, naked in the bathroom, through a peephole.  She lathers herself up in the shower when Janey Robbins comes in and grabs her ass.  She thinks it’s Harry and gasps when she turns around to see that it’s not.  She puts up no fight when Janey climbs in the shower with her, and soon the two are really getting to know one another.  This is a quick scene with no real payoff.

Cut to the kitchen where Nina is putting some chickens into the oven while Jamie tries to eat her ass.  To give him something to do, she gives him one of the chickens, and Jamie fucks it while staring at Nina’s ass.  Nina keeps swatting him away, and he finally cums on the chicken, much to Nina’s amusement as she puts it back in the oven.

Ginger is getting dressed for dinner in a costume provided for her, and shows Harry this dildo that she slides up inside her and pulls her panties up over.

As everyone sits around the table in strange costumes that reveal quite a bit of themselves, a mysterious hand presses PLAY on a cassette deck and we hear the voice of their host, Mr. U.N. Seen apologize for not making the erotic gathering after all, but, rest assured, that they will feel his presence as festivities progress, and in his absence Tabitha and Renfro will be able to sate their every thirst.

There are ten statues of naked women around the room, “you know, the Ten Little Maidens, from the erotic nursery rhyme!” says Amber Lynn to Eric Edwards as she is grazing the inside of his thigh.

Ginger asks Jamie for some salad dressing and he offers creamy Italian, which of course, he takes to the kitchen and jerks off on the salad.  Everyone around the table starts to get turned on by the food, and it turns into a giant food orgy.  The couples seem to be Harry and Ginger, Paul Thomas and Amber Lynn, Richard Pacheco and Janey Robbins, and Eric Edwards and Lisa De Leeuw.

Harry starts giving Janey the eye, and PT and Amber start eating in a viciously seductive way, taking bites of their chicken, and then the orgy begins.

Ginger starts sucking Pacheco while Eric and Lisa are going crazy over a corncob.  PT starts in on Amber’s tits, pouring wine all over them.  Janet shoves Pacheco’s cock into a peach and then gives him head while Amber fellates a cucumber.  Ginger is trying to suck Harry to hardness, while Lisa does the same to Eric.  Jamie and Nina come in and join the fun.  Jamie starts sicking a pig’s snout as Nina dives into Lisa’s bush.  Jamie goes back and forth licking the pig, then licking Amber’s ass.

Nina is eating Ginger while Pacheco fucks Janey while she blows Harry.  Ginger is also masturbating with a corncob.  Harry, on the table,  leaves Janey and turns his attention to Amber who is sucking him while PT fucks her.  Jamie takes amber off the table, lays the sucking pig on her back and starts fucking her and shoving grapes into her mouth as everyone else cums on their partners.  Jamie then eats Amber and licks the pig, finally cumming on the pig’s snout and Amber’s twat.  Harry them cums on Amber’s tits.

After dinner, Eric toasts his host and hostess in their absence, and the mysterious hand press play on a tape from an envelope marked “After Dinner”

On the tape, Mr. Seen announces that no one will leave the island alive, as they’ve all led evil, erotically charged lives, and it is time for them to pay for their crimes.  Right after the tape is over, Pacheco collapses, and PT determines that Pacheco was poisoned by arsenic.  Janey is nonplussed and heads off to bed and Eric follows her up.  Harry and Ginger follow suit, leaving PT kneeling over the body.

Up in their room, Janey has Eric tied spread-eagle onto a bench made specially for that task and is blowing him.  She swallows him down to the root a few times, then climbs on reverse cowgirl, her nipple piercings swaying with each bounce.  Eyes appear behind a painting, and there’s a knock at the door.  She dismounts and lets Amber in as the eyes continue to watch through the painting.  Eric makes his dick stand up when Amber comes in, which makes her happy, since it’s polite to stand when a lady enters the room.

Amber sits herself down and Janey grabs a banana and inserts it into Amber, who then takes over and uses it as a dildo as Janey covers Eric’s cock with whipped cream, and then sprinkles some nuts on it, which seems redundant.  Janey then instructs her to stand over Eric so he can eat the banana while Amber eats his banana.  (Symmetry!)  Eric is mostly soft through this scene, but Amber does her best to cover up that fact.  Janey then covers Amber’s buttcheeks with whipped cream and she goes to town cleaning it off, while Eric focuses on Amber’s snatch.  Janey makes Amber sit up, freeing up Eric’s dick so Janey can ride it, while putting whipped cream on Amber’s tits which she licks off.  Finally, we cut to a dick cumming, but it is very difficult to put the dick in context.  It looks like it is in a bunch of whipped cream, but it’s abstract at best.

The next morning, Nina is sweeping the pool deck when she discovers Jamie’s dead body with a rubber duck stuck on his cock.  Harry deduces he died of strangulation based on how tightly the duck is on his cock.  He and Ginger make their way to the dining room where the find a broken statue.  PT hatches a plan to find their assailant.

We next see Eric pulling Amber’s body out of the pool.  “Oh no!  Not Candy!  What a waste!” (He grabs a skimmer) “Come here little fishy!”

PT and Nina finish searching the house, and PT does his best Cary Grant into a mirror prompting Nina to exclaim “What a great Peter Lorre!”

Her grieving is over as she determines the best course of action is a siesta seducing PT.  Nina’s marvelous ass is on nicely on display here as she blows PT; but we see someone looking at them thru a one-way mirror.  The cocksucking is brief, but only so she can dance and show off her ass more and its wonderful tan line. She rides PT briefly on the canopy bed before he takes her doggie style. They have a brief but vigorous shag, and he throws her off the bed as he jerks off.  He collapes on the bed after he cums, and the canopy falls on him and kills him.

Cut to Nina cleaning up the remnants of another broken maiden.

Nina is scared to be alone, so she and Janey go up to her room and have a go at things. Janey ties a bandana around Nina’s next and puts a cowboy hat on her and has her enter a cage and ride a white fur spring mounted saddle with a dildo attached.  Janey wraps her breasts around a pole and plays with her nipples so the rings clink together; and then we see someone else peeking in through a hole in the wall.

Cut to Harry and Ginger releasing some tension in the sauna.  Lots of kissing here as Harry massages her breasts.  I don’t know if Ginger ever looked better.  Harry slides a finger down to her clit and makes nice while making out with her.  He works his mouth down there as she lays back and enjoys it.

Back to Janey and Nina, and Janey now has a snake wrapped around her, as she makes Nina ride harder and harder so she can cum.  As Nina’s riding, she begins to notice the snake wrapping itself tighter around Janey…

Back in the sauna, Ginger is blowing Harry, and in the bedroom, Nina and Janey have moved onto the bed, and the snake is nowhere to be found., but they do find a double dildo-vibrator which they use… until it electrocutes them.  (D’oh!)

In the sauna, Harry has Ginger in a standing 69 that doesn’t last nearly long enough, as a hand sneakily turns the thermostat up, causing steam to rise as they’re going at it doggie style.  Steam obscures the frame, and we hear a cat meow… since we hear the cat meow after every death so far, we have to assume that our leads are dead…

Lisa bursts into the bedroom where Eric waits out an electrical storm handling a gun.  When there’s nothing to do but wait, the only thing to do is fellate, and Lisa goes to town on Eric’s cock.  No wood problems here.  She takes him off the bed, opens her robe, and lies back on a chair.  He massages her great tits for a bit before moving downtown.  He gets a weird taste, as he remembers a story PT told about how the French women in WWII would put arsenic on their genitals killing the man who eats them out.

Lisa knocks over a maiden and has a glass of wine when Harry and Ginger burst in, much to Lisa’s dismay.  She blathers for a moment about how they’re all immoral and deserve to die before she drinks some poisoned wine and offs herself.

Harry and Ginger jump in the Zodiac and head back out to the yacht which takes them back to the mainland.

The End.

To be honest, I was hoping for a bit more from the movie.  All the sex scenes seemed too short and not particularly paced well.  There were moments in all of the sex scenes which were good, but they never really lasted.  Thus the problem shoehorning 10 scenes and plot into an 84 minute film (more like 80 when you take out the credits.)

This could be considered a parody, tho I think it more of an homage.  It sticks pretty close to the story laid out in And Then There Were None, tho with sex and a bit more humor.

We were a little rushed this week, since it was my first time on with Christy, so next week, we’ll be on at 11:30 AM Pacific / 2:30 PM  Eastern for a half hour chatting about  Christy and my favorite movie of hers, Comeback.

Today on Spice Radio: I Like to Watch (1982)

So, today (27 June 2012) kicks off our new classic movie review segment on YouPorn on Spice Radio, SiriusXM 103.  We’re scheduled to go on at 11:40 AM Pacific / 2:40 PM Eastern with Christy Canyon and Ginger Lynn. To kick things off, I figured we’d talk about I Like To Watch, Paul G. Vatelli‘s 1982 classic, since, well… we like to watch.

The plot of the movie is centered around a famous lingerie designer, Leticia, played by Pat Manning.  She’s getting ready for a fashion show, to be headlined by Linda (Lisa De Leeuw), a  famous model.  Helping Leticia her get ready are niece Laura (Bridgette Monet, in her debut) and her assistant Kim (Little Oral Annie). Along the way, we meet a bunch of models, Laura’s boyfriend Michael (Mike Horner, credited here as Don Hart) and some comic relief by way of the staff.

The movie opens with Laura peeping in as her Aunt Leticia is getting nailed by boytoy Phillip (Hershel Savage).  It’s a pretty standard “fucking on bed” scene, but has some nice reverse cowgirl in it and ends with a pretty good pop shot as Leticia jerks Phillip off so he explodes onto her face and hair. This leaves Laura pretty turned on with nothing to do about it.

Some plot happens as we get properly introduced to Laura, the housekeeper Gretchen (Anna Pierce), Kim and Linda.  As Laura is doing a fitting for Linda, she comments that the lace is a bit conflicted with the rest of her underthings, so Linda suggests she just drop the panties right there, laying the groundwork for some future fun…

But first, Kim has to help Mark, the plumber (Kevin James), fix the furnace… so off they go to the boiler room and then to a bypass valve in one of the fitting rooms where Kim jumps all over the Plumber, swallowing his cock with ease.  This is one of my favorite Little Oral Annie scenes, as she looks fantastic — there’s something about the bra she wears here that really shows off her swinging boobs and gives them a little shape — and she really gets to show off her sword swallowing.  There’s a shot from underneath of her taking Kevin’s James down to the root and pulling back, leaving strings of spit like spaghetti, which she then sucks back in — just awesome.

Gretchen, the housekeeper, was dispatched by Leticia to find Kim since they need to stay productive as deadlines are looming, and she spies Kim swallowing Mark , which turns her on greatly, so she takes a brief siesta and touches herself (over her clothes) while the two go at it.

Since Annie was also a bit of an analist, we have to cover that base, so she looks over at Mark and matter of factly says “I want you to fuck my ass now” and then they go at it, with some nice shots of him getting balls deep in her ass; this all finishes with a blowjob ending, with Kim jerking Mark off into her mouth… and Gretchen making a noise, revealing herself outside the door (which is one of the great “D’oh! We’re caught!” moments in porn, with Annie stopping mid-jerk to see who’s there…)

Laura and her boyfriend, Michael, head out to the park for a heart-to-heart — “Why aren’t you fucking me, Michael?” she asks, and he says he’s been trying to be a gentleman about things.  He offers to pick her up at 8 and she storms off with a “Not tonight!”  Leticia checks on her niece who doesn’t really want to talk about it.

Kim is reading a book as Gretchen is tending to the fire.  Kim calls Gretchen on her peeping, saying she’s not angry, that “it can be better with a woman” and she leans in for a kiss.

Meanwhile in the other room, Laura grabs the panties that Linda dropped during her fitting and holds them to her face and inhales deeply.  She rubs them all over herself.  She pulls a breast out of her dress and plays with her nipple.  Bridgette has REALLY GREAT TITS. She fantasizes about her Aunt’s tryst with Herschel Savage as she hikes her skirt up and starts to rub the panties on her lady bits… and then her phone rings.  It’s Linda, calling to see if Laura wants to come over for drinks.

Pan over as she hangs up to reveal Montag (Dave Cannon — Bridgette’s real life SO) sitting in a robe.  Linda leans down to him and teases “We’re going to give you such a show…”

On her way out, Laura sees Kim and Gretchen getting it on in front of the roaring fire.  (And they say porn is cliche’d!)  Kim sucks on Gretchen’s nipples a bit (nice!) before moving down for some rug munching.  Gretchen seems to be enjoying herself, cupping her ample breasts while Kim dines out.  Next, she’s being taken doggie style by Kim who is wearing a strap-on.  The scene kind of ends as Laura heads over to Linda’s; but not before getting stopped by Michael who vows to “wait here all night for you!” as she blows by him.

There’s a fireplace at Linda’s too, and Linda puts Laura in front of it.  They have a drink and Linda puts the moves on her, leaning in for a kiss that Laura doesn’t fight. The two girls kiss and as the camera moves in, we dissolve to them in their lingerie, kissing and falling back on the couch.  We see a camera mounted overhead, and Montag is watching the sapphic loving on a TV.  Linda pulls Laura’s panties off to the side and starts eating her out and Montag sits and smokes.  Laura flips Linda over and returns the muff diving favor, bringing Linda to orgasm as she grinds Laura’s face into her pelvis, and then pulls her up for a kiss.  Linda asks if is Laura trusts her and reveals that they’ve been watched the whole time and Linda brings Montag down to have his way with Laura as she looks on.

He starts by kissing her and them moving down to eat her out as Linda narrates a bit.  Bridgette is in the same type of bra that Annie was in when she was fucking Kevin — it’s a satiny sheer number and really looks nice.  Linda and Laura exchange looks with Bridgette looking right into the camera.

FILM GEEK ASIDE: I can’t help but think Vatelli tipped his hat to Bergman in one shot of Lisa De Leeuw, which had to be an homage to Liv Ullman in Persona.

He spends some time kissing on her breasts and nipples and then he brings himself forward to drop his cock in her mouth.  Linda keeps playing with herself and watching.  There’s some good high camera angles over Bridgette/Dave as she sucks him to full erectness and whispers “Make love to me, Montag!”  He kisses her as he slips his cock inside her side-saddle, which just intensifies Linda’s enjoyment of the coupling.  He swings into missionary, and there’s a lot of kissing going on as he’s pumping away.  As Linda brings herself to another shuddering orgasm, Laura jerks Montag off onto her belly.  “See, Montag? I like to watch, too!” Linda pants out between orgasmic spasms.

Michael sees two models, Cinnamon (Linda Shaw) and Honey (Elaine DeSantis) approach Leticia’s house.  Ever the gentleman, he rings the door bell and Gretchen comes to let them in.  Michael makes the introductions and Gretchen shows the girls to their room as he waits for Laura to come back.  The girls hatch a plot to get lucky and make some noise to draw Michael down a dark hallway and into an area filled with mannequins.  The girls pose as mannequins and them jump out and grab his junk, he complains it’s not his day and suddenly Cinnamon is sucking him off as Honey is french kissing him.  They swap spots as Michael  makes out with Cinnamon’s tits as Honey sucks him off. The mannequins like to watch too.

Honey moves into a 69 position as Cinnamon joins her down at Michael’s dick and they suck him and make out with one another as he buries his tongue all up in Honey’s honeypot.  Cinnamon mounts him and Honey sucks her tits as she’s riding Michael’s face. Leticia comes home, sees them fucking and goes upstairs to bed.  Now Honey’s getting it doggie style as Cinnamon lays (lies?) under her; and then they both suck him off and he baptizes them in a fountain of cum.

Next up: A MONTAGE!  Sewing machines working overtime getting ready for the big runway show; mannequins being fitted with lingerie, and then we’re at a TV studio, getting ready for the show.  A house mother (Beatrice Bowan) yells at a model named Gloria (Mary Evans) for not wanting to wear her assigned lingerie.

Two stagehands, mustachio’d Fred (John Ogden) and balding Harry (Lou Vincent) peep into the girls’ dressing room.  Fred is drooling over the girls: “I’d walk through five miles of a minefield in snowshoes just to hear her fart over a field phone.” (Really has to be heard to be believed) and Harry bets him $50 he won’t just walk in there.  The janitor (Dirty Ed Lachmann) drops off a laundry cart that Fred jumps into and then pops out of to bite Gloria on the butt.

Back in the control room, Michael bursts in and demands that Laura see him after the show in the studio.  She seems taken aback by his forcefulness and agrees.  Leticia makes another date with Phil and he wants to take it onto the next level.

Once the show is over, Laura finds her way into the empty studio and Michael bosses her around, making her sit on a couch. He’s pissed that she’s made him feel like a fool and he’s not going to stand for it anymore, especially if she’s going to stay out all night.  She’s about to confess to her threeway, thinks better of it, and then asks him simply to make love to her, right there on the couch.  She opens her dress, lets down her hair and they go at it.

On a meta-level, this scene is most notable because its one of only a few times in her career that Bridgette Monet had sex with someone other than her husband.  This is one of the longer scenes in the movie.  Michael eats her out for a bit, then she sucks him to hardness and sits reverse cowgirl on his rod.  They grind a bit as he kneds her breasts and then they move onto side side as she lies own the couch, with her eyes closed.

In this scene, in the empty studio, there is no one there to watch — just us.  But she opens her eyes for a moment, and, like the other characters before her, sees who has been watching her — she looks directly through the camera out to us, the only ones left who are watching.

They wrap up fucking doggie style and she sucks him off, jerking his load out explosively onto her shoulder and arm (stupid gravity) and she orally cleans him up afterwards.  (There is a briefest of moments when the jizz on her shoulder catches a light and it makes the most fantastic starburst…)

They share a post-coital snuggle where she tells him it was wonderful and he laughs that he’s a pretty good lay… ROUND TWO? he asks as we fade to the closing credits.

There’s not a bad sex scene in the bunch here.  The movie manages to fit in seven scenes into its 77 minute running time along with the thinnest of plots (getting ready for a fashion show, lovers not having sex, voyeurism) and some laughs as well.  (That picture of John Ogden alone makes me smile.)  If the concept of people watching other people fuck gets you off, you won’t find a better movie covering that interest, and the girls in it are all natural and all hot.  Really great stuff.

Imperator said this about it:

 This is an 1982 Swedish Erotica release that is very notable for containing one of those rare scenes between the gorgeous Bridgette Monet and someone other than Dave Cannon. The lucky stiff in this case is Mike Horner. Dave does get his chance with wifey in another scene that immediately follows a very nice Monet-Lisa De Leeuw (this name will kill me! :-)) girl-girl. Other than that, the film is a typical Swedish Erotica thingy, with lots and lots of screwing with little plot aspirations. This doesn’t mean “I like to watch” is a bad film. I sure like to watch Ms. Monet in every opportunity and this film also features the lovely Little Oral Annie displaying her trademark accomplishment as well as her willingness to do anal. If only she had picked a less silly nom de porn :-). Rating: 3.10. A must for big boobs fans (Monet, DeLeeuw and L.O.A. are all very well endowed as everybody knows)

I’d probably rank it higher, a 3.60 or so on the Imperial Scale.  It’s a keeper.

The Imperial Scale: 0 to 4, with a precision of 0.05:

  •  Anything below 2 rent at your own risk, ‘cos it sucks
  • Between 2 and 2.50, rent only if you are an ardent fan of the particular star/genre featured
  • 2.50 to 3.35 are all good to great rentals
  • 3.35 to 3.50 are good for purchasing if you can spare the bucks
  • Anything higher than 3.50 is a keeper
  • 4.00 is impossible for anything later than 1984 :-)

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Tonight On Playboy Radio: RIP Nightcalls

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end..”

I was away this week, but got an email from the always delightful Sexy Lexi, associate producer of NightCalls, saying that word came down and the show was cancelled.

This made me sad.

I liked the show and I liked being a part of it.  I liked chatting with Debi and Nicki every Thursday night, and the giuest hosts they’d have on every so often.  Never got a ton of feedback on my appearances, but occasionally I’d get a tweet or two about it, so I knew someone was listening.  I also liked revisiting the adult movies from my youth — or the ones I liked anyway.

Rest assured, there’s a silver lining!  Lexi also passed on the good news that (a) she was promoted and now she’s the Producer of YouPorn on Spice Radio (Sirius XM103) and (b) she’d like me to continue doing the classic adult reviews I was doing on NightCalls over at YouPorn with Ginger Lynn and Christy Canyon.

Needless to say, I jumped at the chance.  So, we’ve got ourselves a schedule change — instead of Thursdays at 7:40EST on XM 102, I’ll be on Wednesdays at 2:40PM on XM103.  One day and five hours earlier, and one channel higher on your satellite dial.

We’re starting next week, the 27th.  I have no idea what we’re going to talk about — I suspect it’ll just be a “get to know you” session.  I was lucky enough to be on YouPorn back in January at AEE, and I look forward to making it my new regular gig.

(And really, I get to chat every week with Christy and Ginger?  It’s (almost) like my 16 year old self just won the lottery… )

So, look forward to “Today on YouPorn…” coming soon.

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Hot and Saucy Pizza Girls (1977)

[UPDATE: I had mentioned a Facebook group on the show, Adult Movies 1968-1988 that has a lot of presence from the talent from back then. Join us.]

Tonight on Playboy Radio’s Night Calls (SiriusXM 102) we’ll be talking about Bob Chinn’s 1977 classic Hot & Saucy Pizza Girls.  (Due to a pre-existing obligation on my end, we’ll be starting a little earlier than usual — 7pm Eastern, 4 pm Pacific.)

At the Club 90 panel discussion the other night, the panel was asked what their most favorite moment was during their time in the industry. Candida Royalle wasted no time and said her happiest memory was learning to ride a skateboard with Desiree Cousteau and Laurien Dominique for this movie.  So, I figured that was as good a reason as any to re-visit it.  And, boy, I wasn’t disappointed.  What a fun movie this is!  It just exudes charm and good times out of every frame.

VCX’s blurb does it justice:  “This is a comic look at the fast food business and rates one of the best films ever. John Holmes operates a pizza delivery service that adds very special toppings provided by the delivery girls – Desiree, Candida, Chris and Laurien. But Paul Thomas and the fried chicken people enlist the aid of the infamous San Francisco Night Chicken to drive the pizza operation out of business. The sex scenes are exceptionally ludicrous in the very entertaining adult movie.”

The script is jokey but not in an eye-rolling way.  The movie opens with Desiree (playing a character named Ann Chovy) interviewing for a job at the Country Girl Pizza Parlor, and John Holmes is having a hard time reading her application.  The writing is very small in the box marked “sex” because she wrote “only once, in Alabama” in an effort to be completely honest and forthcoming, because this pizza place doesn’t just serve pizza, they serve a little sex with their pies, and Desiree is looking to be hired as a delivery girl.

This interview leads into our first sex scene, where John buries himself in her bush, both orally and then (um) dick-ily.  After a little fucking, he has her drop to her knees and blow him (“We don’t have all day!” he says) as he blows a great shot into her mouth and down her chin.

SPOILER ALERT: She gets the job.

Next up, we see the bumbling Inspector Blackie spying on the girls as they leave for their delivieries; he’s accompanied by something that sounds eerily like The Pink Panther theme.  He reminds me of my friend Alan.

Next up, we get three scenes intercut of the girls making their deliveries.

First up, Candida Royalle (who could really pass for iCarly’s older slutty sister here) hooking up with Richard Pacheco.  Next, Laurien Dominique hooks up with Paul Thomas until he gets his friend Spender Travis to join in.  And finally, Desiree Cousteau talk and talks and talks to Carl Regal who is having a real hard time eating her out with all the talking she’s doing about how cunnilingus is illegal in Alabama.

We don’t spend too much time on any of the couplings, and they’re all pretty standard.  Candida and Richard go at missionary; Lauren has PT under her as she blows Spender, (who cums on her chin; ans PT on her ass).

We then cut to Vicky Lindsay as an old horny housewife, whom we meet as she masturbates with a carrot while she’s waiting for Christine DeShaffer to show up.  And Chistine walks in, drops the pizza box on the ground, confirms the order and vigorously eats her out for all of 20 seconds and then leaves.  I think the whole sequence was 90 seconds long.

Then we’re back and forth between Desiree getting eaten out and Pacheco humping away until Desiree finally gets to her knees and blows Mr. Regal.  Cut to Pacheco banging away doggy style, but we don’t stay with it very long so we can cut back to Regal’s blowjob which ends with him jerking off onto her tits and she cleans him off.  (The reaction shots “cross the axis” in their pairing, which is visually a bit jarring.).  Finally, Candida tells her customer “Hey, cowboy!  Time for the round up!” and after a spirited round of pumping and chorus of She’s Coming Round The Mountain, he pulls out and cums on her ass as she rolls her eyes.

The whole sequence, scenes 2-6 on the IAFD listing was 13 minutes long.  The one thing you could count on about classic porn, there was no time to be bored.  On the other hand, there was no time to really build up a rhythm and linger on a pairing you might really like.

More slapstick from Inspector Blackie, who is unable to close the antenna on his walkie-talkie, and he chases Candida and Christine down on his own skateboard with a hand-held siren/megaphone.  They talk their way out of it (“You need to catch us on the way out, not on the way back in.  We already delvered our ‘pizzas!’)

Lauren gets paid by PT and Spender who sit and chat with Pacheco about their failing Fried Chicken franchise; so they hatch a plan to get the girls off the street (“Cheap, hot pussy… how are you going to compete with thaaaaat?”) and protect their investment. So, they hatch a plan to call in the “Night Chicken” some sort of rapist… because rape is funny….

So, as Christine is skateboarding at night, we hear some ominous music and chicken clucks.  As she goes to investigate, she is pulled inside an alcove and feathers literally start to fly…

The next day, John and his partner (played by director Bob Chinn under the alias Danny Hussong) are making pizzas and taking orders when there’s a scream in the back and Christine cops to being raped by the Night Chicken.  John and Danny explain that they’ve been after the Night Chicken for 10 years and they want their revenge.

Cut to Christine, Candida and John sitting naked and talking about the Chicken, and then Christine starts sucking John’s cock, but Candida is pissed by this, so she rips Christine off of John’s cock, and spins her around to force her to give HER head while John fucks her… the girls move to a 69 so John can take Candida from the rear, and then John pulls out and cums on Christine’s mouth and chin.

PT gets off the phone with the Chicken who assures him that the girls will be off the street before the next day… but the boys are thinking they might want to fuck them one more time before they’re out of business…

Next up, Desiree runs into her neighbor — who just happens to be Inspector Blackie!  (and he has an awful feminine headboard on his bed…) After some discussion about how he’s never had pizza,  they strip, she blows him then rides him.  She is a cute little thing with really great tits (that may or not be fake…)  They go at it doggie style, then missionary and finally he cums on her bush.

So PT ordered a pizza and Christine delivers it.  When no one answers the door, she lets herself in and we cut to PT verifying his order (“You must be the special stuffed mushroom, deep dish surprise!”) while she’s sucking his cock.  From there, they go to doggie and she gives up the ass, which he cums on 5 minutes later.

Skating around at night, Laurien hears the clucking down the alley, and again there’s feathers flying.

Laurien goes back to the pizza place and bitches that John didn’t offer any protection at all, and he starts to apologize when Christine walks in, spitting feathers out of her mouth.  John and Bob go looking for the Chicken, but come up empty.

Another pizza order comes in from Vickie, so Christine goes out and once again attacks her, this time with a giant dildo that has a crank on it.  This scene is just as short as their other pairing.

So, now, it’s all over except for the plot.  Inspector Blackie stumbles around in the dark and Desiree, walking down the street, hears the clucking but luckily her neighbor, Inspector Blackie is there to save her; so they run off to Niagra Falls as John and Bob run in to the alley to confront the Chicken.

The end is silly, as they come out of the alley with a tape recorder, and you can pretty much see the wink, Bob says “You don’t think it was Inspector Blackie, do you?” and we cut to his car driving away, with the license plate BAHK.

Roll credits.

This is a movie that doesn’t ask anything of you, other than to sit back, relax, and let it play over you like a school play.  There’s an genial easiness to the whole endeavor that you can’t take it seriously.  There’s some fine sex in it.  It’s not modern day porno sex, it’s classic porno sex.  Just like  rock music today isn’t much like rock music from 1977, same goes for porno.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfdXWDNWzbQ]

Tonight on Playboy Radio: Miami Spice II (1986)

Tonight on Playboy Radio Nightcalls with Debi Diamond and Nicki Hunter, we’ll be talking about Miami Spice 2, the follow up to the movie we discussed last week, Miami Spice 1.

I’m travelling today, so no extensive blog posting…. I’ll just quote Imperator’s review:

That’s how high-budget flicks looked like before the advent of the pretentious plague (ya know, Blake, Grant and his ilk :-)). Not that this means that these 1986 flicks are that great either. The are a must-rent since they are the last films by the great Svetlana (“800 Fantasy Lane”, “F”, “Bad Girls”, “Sex Boat”) but she’s certainly but a shadow of her former brilliant self. Still, we get a great cast: Starring in both flicks are Amber Lynn, Sheri St. Clair, Candy Evans, and Danielle. In Part 1 they are teamed with Barbara Dare (brunnette variant), Blondie (and Tony-fucking-Montana of course), Porsche Lynn, Jeanette Littledove (she of the zeppelin silly cones), Eric Edwards, Randy West, Robert Bullock. In Part 2 these people are replaced by John Leslie, Stacy Donovan and Jennifer Noxt. We also get a good editor, sound mixer, good camera work etc etc. These are the real benefits of high budget production, not the presence of a Countach or a couple of speed boats.

Part 1 is IMHO inferior to the sequel. There is this famous “underwater blowjob” scene with Sheri, Amber and (of course) a fella (Randy West), but it’s mostly a freak show and bored me to death. Though the sex ain’t half bad, resources are being blatantly wasted throughout. Part 2 has Stacey in it, which by definition (my definition at least :-)) makes it more interesting. She is shagged in several occassions and from several angles, most satisfying of which is, yet again, the ol’ spoons. There is a very nice 3some with Joey Silvera, Stacey and Sheri. No anal for Sheri (there’s a surprise) but quite a bit of RC. Another highlight is a mini orgy with John Leslie, the delightfully cute Candy Evans, Stacy, Jeniffer Noxt and Danielle. Very nice, if you ask me. Amber is a bit underutilized compared with Part 1 which is a waste,. as she is one hot lady. But one can’t have everything. At least we get a 4-guy-on-Danielle gangbang to conclude the film.

This ambitious effort manages to generate quite a bit of heat, particularly in Part 2. One can’t help to think however of what might have been had Candy been featured more prominently, had Sheri done her usual raunchy stuff, in general had all resources been utilized to their maximum potential and to the level one would expect from Svetlana. Still, both movies are worth the rental, and Part 2 is even a very marginal purchase. Ratings: 2.90 –3.20

We’ll be on around 7:45pm Eastern, as usual.